My first time doing this, so bare with me.

BS/39 yrs old
H/43 yrs old
2 daughters 11 and 14
married 15 yrs have been together 19 yrs
H had an A for 3 yrs

There's a lot to be said, but to make it brief, there were times I felt something wasn't right about our marriage. It came out when I was out with some friends from work. After a few drinks, questions started popping up in my head. One of my friends told me I wasn't wrong. The next day I asked her what she meant, and she told me to ask my boss.
Let me add at this point, one of my best friends who works with me, also works with my H at his job. She went through me and got a job with me. She up and resigned from both jobs very suddenly. The next thing I know, my H tells me he is on a suspension from work.
I asked my boss, who is also a good friend, if her quitting had anything to do with me, and said yes. Needless to say after asking a few more questions, I found out it was an A.
I came home and confronted my H. He didn't deny it but said it was only kissing. The following week I was finding out more from work, not him. He doesn't talk at all. I constantly have to ask questions. He eventually told me it was going on about 1 - 2 years, (only work said 3 years)and that he ended the "friendship" in Dec. 2002, but they are still friends. Bull. He is thinking of ending the marriage.
The situation I am in now and need advice on how to deal with is this. After leaving for a few days, he returned and said he wants to work things out. The only gliche is he DOESN'T KNOW IF he loves me or cares about me. He's been home for a week now, and there's tension, I can feel it. No mention about what things to work out. I know its finances, sex, house. I have had only 2 counciling sessions so far, and he going to his first one this week. I just don't think he'll say anything. I just need to know what I can do to try to get him to care about me first, but I'm afraid I'll push him away. I don't want to say or do anything to do that. The A aside, I still love him and want him. Am I crazy?

Sassie -

No, you are not crazy!

A few thoughts for you however - IC is a good thing for both of you, BUT you need to find a good MC! (one who believes in the MB concepts <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> )

Another suggestion, if the A is truly over, then there needs to be NC between your H and the OW!!! That is a MUST!!! They cannot be friends if this is to work for the two of you!

I can suggest Harley's book, Surviving an Affair and His Needs / Her Needs . They have both helped me and my H through my A. Read A LOT - read here, read about the MB concepts! They work great - you and your H just have to be willing to put them to good use <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I hope that gives you a place to start!
- Good luck -

Sassie - OK first off I want you to know that I don't have any great advice - My marriage ended in divorce - but I can tell you that you are not crazy - though you are going to feel that way quite often and probably for a long time... When I found out that my husband had his affair - I was devastated and completely fell apart.. Then I proceeded to kiss his butt which I believe further pushed him away - He said that I was trying to change and that wasn't me - I would have done anything to fix the marriage - but in his mind it was already over.. So my advice would be get him into marriage counseling - read everything there is to read... And believe me there are days when you are definately going to feel crazy.. I cried for like the first 8 months then I got on antidepressants and they helped me keep my emotions in check - Surviving and affair is a huge undertaking but I believe that you can get through it as long as you are both willing to fix it... It cannot be one sided... You both must be willing participants... Stay Strong...

Sassie,

So far you have been encouraged to do some reading. This is important. On your other thread the 2 persons posting to you are H's in a similar situation. Their advice and recommendations are priceless.

Right now you don't just need to talk, you need to read. Please go up to the concepts section and read that along with taking the Emotional Needs questionnaire. Ask your H if he will do the same, if not, no biggie but you take it. Then take it as if you are him.

Read the recommended books. That is a start, then when you talk, it will be with a better sense of knowing where to go and what to do. It will also resolve some of that inner tension, anxiety and pent up frustation from dealing with your H since he is NOT being truthful with you right now and you are expecting him to do so.

Then let us know how you are doing. If you can let us know the general area you are in and let's see if some MBers in that area are available. Remember this is a volunteer site, we are not professionals here, just people struggling like yourself.

Welcome to MB.

L.