I haven't heard anything fron the WS's. I have always been curious about how it starts, what drove the A and how you get by with that sort of deceit. I would feel so guilty I don't think I could function.

dear hope-most ws's post on recovery i think. we do have quite a few

Hope,

I am a recovered WS...and yes there WERE days when I felt terribly guilty...and still do.
My dear H has played an immense role in my healing, and I in his. One thing that helped was that I made the decision to to come clean to him about the A, when instead, I could have gone on forever in keeping the 'secret.' Thank God he sees and appreciates the courage it took for me to tell him. 3 months after d-day, we are closer now than I ever thought possible, and I love and appreciate him more than ever. And my thoughts of the OM are fading away more with every week. I'm finally past the withdrawel stage. I am definately over the OM. It's been a long haul but we are getting there.

I just wish the price weren't so high (for my A) as I *did* lose a piece of myself to the A and the OM. It also has taken a toll on my health. I've had anxiety disorders, stomach ulcers, colon problems and yesterday I underwent a biopsy for breast cancer. I think all of this was caused by the huge amount of stress and guilt caused by having an A. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> (((

breeney

How it starts? Depends on the situation. In short it would appear that the OP effectively meets needs of the WS that the spouse isn't meeting any more, or doesn't meet as often. Throw in things like the WS spending large amounts of time in the OP's presence and temptation is there. Then throw in some alcohol to reduce inhibition, and voila, someone who meant their marriage vows when they said them loses all sense of reality and what's important to them, and the affair begins.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I would feel so guilty I don't think I could function. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Honey you have no idea the impending amount of guilt that I live with. I'm not saying that the amount of guilt I feel excuses my infidelity, but that you are guessing right, the guilt is HUGE.

You're right. There aren't many WS or FWS here. There are a few though!

Jen

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Jen Brown:
<strong>
Honey you have no idea the impending amount of guilt that I live with. I'm not saying that the amount of guilt I feel excuses my infidelity, but that you are guessing right, the guilt is HUGE.

Jen</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">you hit it right on the head. Daily the guilt I deal with is like a weight upon my shoulders. Sometimes I have to slap my hand away from buring a A on my forhead for the world to know what an adulterous slut I am.

Hope,
I've been posting here on GQII since September. I'm a former WS, and I'm divorced now. We separated during the A, and exH found out about the A after separation. We were divorced exactly 3 months short of our 21st wedding anniversary.
Your questions, followed by my 2 cents...
"I have always been curious about how it starts"

I think that Harley addresses this very well on this website. It starts very innocently, for many, and then takes on a 'life of its own'.

"what drove the A"

Curiosity, selfishness, and wanting to have your cake and eat it too. Sounds cliche, but that's it. Everyone has needs that aren't met in marriage, most people don't cheat despite their needs not having been met. For me, it was a combination of a midlife crisis, curiosity, selfishness, loneliness, and confusion--mixed in w/depression.

" how you get by with that sort of deceit."

You know, I hate to say this. I'd never lied before in my life. The first time I lied, I found it was quite easy. I couldn't believe that a person could lie, and get away with it so easily! It was astounding to me. I think I thought I would be struck by lightning, or something like that..to tell such a lie. It was easy to get away with , but not in the end. I've lost my nuclear family over this, and I still can't believe how low I stood on the rung of humanity.

"I would feel so guilty I don't think I could function."

I'm sad to say this, but I think that many of us who have A's are able to compartmentalize, for a time. I guess I was compartmentalizing, to a degree. I remember that OM wanted to talk about his wife with me, and I didn't like to talk about my husband much. IT was too awful, to sit and talk of them. HE seemed to 'enjoy' it. The guilt did bother me a lot then, and now it is 100 times worse than it was before. It was a rotten thing to do.

A friend of mine is now with her former OM, after divorcing her first spouse for the OM. They've been married now longer than she was married to the first one. She said she still feels horrible guilt and pain over what she did to her first spouse. She said she'll never get over it. I know I won't , either.

I think you live with the guilt to a degree the rest of your life. It's not good at all, to know you've done this to another person.

Just my take on it,
H_P

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by hopeful_person:
[QB]Hope,

"what drove the A"

Curiosity, selfishness, and wanting to have your cake and eat it too. Sounds cliche, but that's it. Everyone has needs that aren't met in marriage, most people don't cheat despite their needs not having been met.
[QUOTE] </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I greatly respect any FWS who says this. I think it is the key to what a lot of people "don't get" - I feel like as a BS, a few people looked at me, and said well you should have done this, or that, when in reality- no one can meet all someone else's needs all the time...


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> She said she'll never get over it. I know I won't , either

I think you live with the guilt to a degree the rest of your life. It's not good at all, to know you've done this to another person.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I hate to hear you have so much pain. I will pray for your guilt to be released- God does forgive and He loves you....

<small>[ May 01, 2003, 11:00 PM: Message edited by: adgirl48 ]</small>

Hope,

I didn't address all of your questions in my former reply, as to how a person can cheat.
Hopeful_person hit the nail on the head when she said she compartmentalized. My unbelievable abilty to compartmentalize enabled me to live two lives, love two men, and keep both relationships separate from one another. (At least to a certain degree).

In the beginning, I was racked with guilt and had moments of severe anxiety over it. In seeing my distress, OM advised me to 'compartmentalize'. At the time I barely understood the term but as the affair continued,I not only understood it- but became quite avid at it. It became natural to do what I had to do. It was my only means of being able to live with myself and thus be able to continue with the A. The OM met some needs
and fulfilled a deep longing, so I went to great lengths to be able to continue. I became deeply attached to him and addicted to what he gave me. I went to great lengths to get my "fix".

Having this secret life wasn't AT ALL healthy. I have learned soo much about how we hurt not ONLY our spouses but ourselves by being dishonest. All along I planned to keep it a secret from my H, but it got to the point to where I JUST couldn't live with myself. I underestimated my need to
come clean. I was in hell. There were days I prayed for God to just take me.

((((The irony of that is, after wishing to die a few months ago, this week, much to my surprise, I had to have a biospy for breast cancer. Just when I finally get my life straightened out and want more than anything to LIVE!)))) sigh....
compartmentalize....compartmentalize....

breeney

My lovely wife posted some good stuff on here a while back. work_n_progress was her screen name. It might help. most are pretty long and detailed.

I am also a WS and have posted a bit on the how, why and the regret.

d_rose,
How could I find her old posts? I would love to read some of them? Diane

this should work

web page

I have been the BS, WS and now the BS again. I was friend with the OM through work, just friends, he then relocated to another state and we started talking through email at work. He always liked me when we worked together, but I never had any feelings toward him until a couple months before he left, but I never said anything until after he moved away that I did.

I only saw him a couple of times when he moved away, but talked to him on the phone and email at work.

My H started seeing someone in June of last year and is now living with her. He throws everything in my face all the time and doesn't not care how much I have forgiven him over the years. I hate myself for what I did and I will never be the same. I keep on wishing I could go back in time and change what I did. I have some much guilt for hurting the kids and my H.

I have been the BS, WS and now the BS again. I was friend with the OM through work, just friends, he then relocated to another state and we started talking through email at work. He always liked me when we worked together, but I never had any feelings toward him until a couple months before he left, but I never said anything until after he moved away that I did.

I only saw him a couple of times when he moved away, but talked to him on the phone and email at work.

My H started seeing someone in June of last year and is now living with her. He throws everything in my face all the time and doesn't not care how much I have forgiven him over the years. I hate myself for what I did and I will never be the same. I keep on wishing I could go back in time and change what I did. I have some much guilt for hurting the kids and my H.

goldie,

We are pretty much the same boat. I was the BS twice. The six months after I found out about her A's were hell. It made little difference to my lovely wife that I had forgiven her for them. She continued to talk, and email OM#2 during that time.

When she found out about my A, that was it for her. I regret having the affair every day but it happened. I regret hurting my lovely wife, my wonderful daughter, our family and our friends. By having the A we let ourselves down more than anyone. You are right, you will never be the same...you will be better. Think of what you have learned about yourself. i have read your posts and you are a very strong person. This isn't the end of anything for you or I. It is just another part of our life. I think 2oak posted something about this being like a roadtrip....we are just taking a more scenic route.

It doesn't matter that our spouses haven't forgiven us for what we did. They have made their choices, right or wrong, and so have we. You have to forgive yourself. I know I struggle with that constantly, going back and saying "if I had just done this or just done that." But I didn't. I made a horrible choice that might cost me my marriage. It doesn't matter what I was willing to forgive or what you were willing too. Sometimes I get upset thinking "I was willing to forgive and work on the M, why isn't she?" Maybe that is selfish of me. I don't know.

I have to kick myself in the a$$ most days to get me out of the past and into MY future. I hope and pray that it includes my lovely wife and I hope that your's includes your H if that is what you want. Life keeps happening so we need to keep living.

God Bless you

<small>[ May 02, 2003, 06:41 PM: Message edited by: d_rose ]</small>