Okay, need input. I have been married for 24 years- since I was very young- (cause I certainly am not old <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I listen to friends and acquaitances and hear what they do with their spouse.

I would like anyone to answer these questions for me.

How much time do you "really" spend talking to your spouse?

Does your spouse listen to what went on with your day?

Does your spouse help you with any of your household chores? If so, what?

Does your spouse contribute monetarily? If so to what percentage?

Does your spouse "take you out" if so when and where and how often.

Does your spouse make time to spend with you (in other words- are they out in the shop working for hours and then come in and go straight to bed)?

I know these sound corny and I have read His Needs, her Needs, twice in fact. From the above posts you may guess my needs aren't being met- but I really would like to know what the "normal" marriage is like.

Does your spouse make plans to go places without you?

Does your spouse make plans and then let you know at the last minute- and then get upset if you get upset about the disrespect shown?

Does your spouse call the shots on where you go as a couple, what you do etc. (with the exception of "where do you want to eat?"

Any responses would be appreciated-

How much time do you "really" spend talking to your spouse?

A short while in the morning before he leaves for work, a few short conversations if something comes up during the day and a little bit at night. If something important is going on we usually spend a good deal of time talking about it though.

Does your spouse listen to what went on with your day?

Only if I can pin him down or if it's something important with the kids or what not.

Does your spouse help you with any of your household chores? If so, what?

Laundry, dishes, claning up sometimes, garbage and the animals

Does your spouse contribute monetarily? If so to what percentage?

Yes about 75%

Does your spouse "take you out" if so when and where and how often.

we usually do a movie and/or dinner at least once a week. We do special things for birthdays, anniversarys and some times just because

Does your spouse make time to spend with you (in other words- are they out in the shop working for hours and then come in and go straight to bed)?

Sometimes but not often enough

Does your spouse make plans to go places without you?

No never but sometimes he wants to see a movie I don't care to see and I say go ahead or he'll go to a baseball or football game alone because I don't want to go

Does your spouse make plans and then let you know at the last minute- and then get upset if you get upset about the disrespect shown?

No

Does your spouse call the shots on where you go as a couple, what you do etc. (with the exception of "where do you want to eat?"

No I would say it's wqually decided

I'll take a stab at this one.
Background:
No A at our house, I found MB wanting to improve our M. We were probably like lots of "happy" couples that weren't as happy as people think they are. I know we were not as happy as we wanted to be. I don't think there is such a thing as a "normal" marriage. I have been reading at MB for over a year, and watching others marriages since that time, and some people that are very happy have marriages just like yours. I don't think they know any better, so they are happy things are not worse.

How much time do you "really" spend talking to your spouse?
Before MB maybe an hour a week. Now, an hour a day or more.

Does your spouse listen to what went on with your day?
Yes she does. And she helps me get over any bad times. I also listen to her and help her.

Does your spouse help you with any of your household chores? If so, what?
She helps me if I need help in the garden sometimes but more often I help her with dishes, cleaning, ( I do bathrooms, and scrub the floors sometimes) and so on. If she is still working, then I ought to be working too. If she rests, then I will rest. Both of us work outside the home, so it's not fair for me to come home and sit and watch her do the housework. I cook sometimes if she has something going on but usually she does it because she works part time and comes home 3 hours before I do. More and more instead of her doing some things and me doing others we work together on them so we can talk. It took some time to get to this point.

Does your spouse contribute monetarily? If so to what percentage?
We both work and put all our money into our common account. We both get an allowance that we can spend any way we want. We get it in cash and are not accountable for how we spend it. If we need to use a charge card for our "personal" stuff, we deposit our personal cash to cover it. We POJA how we spend all the rest of the money. If we can't agree, we don't spend it.
Pre MB, we had problems spending and were in debt, now we only owe on our home.

Does your spouse "take you out" if so when and where and how often.
We trade off doing dates. One week it will be my turn to take her out, and the next her turn to take me out. It is nice to do it this way because we are not under pressure to think up something every week. We do lots of things from walking together to movies to going out to eat. Often we pack a picnic and go to some nice spot to talk. There are free community art displays, window shopping, and many things that don't cost much. It's the time together that is important - at lest more so that what we do.

Does your spouse make time to spend with you (in other words- are they out in the shop working for hours and then come in and go straight to bed)?
We both used to be this way. Now we are better but she still wants to watch the news every night and it drives me crazy. You can get more news reading the paper for five minutes than you can get in 45 minutes on TV. Anyway, we still have a problem with this one sometimes. I don't watch the lobotomy box ( Qfwfq's name for it) much. I think it's more her than me.
I know these sound corny and I have read His Needs, her Needs, twice in fact. From the above posts you may guess my needs aren't being met- but I really would like to know what the "normal" marriage is like.
Like I said, I donl't think there is a normal marriage. All of us are different. It has taken us a long time to get to this point. We have been married 26 years this spring. We both have worked to make it better, one can't do it alone.

.Does your spouse make plans to go places without you?
Yes, she is going with a friend to my parents cabin this weekend to do some sewing projects. She and her female friend walk every morning together and they like to sew but the kids keep them from having uninterrupted time, so they do these getaways a couple of times a year. Most of the time I and the friends husband meet them the last day and eat dinner with them and help bring all the stuff home. I do camping trips about once a year with some of my old HS buddies. My W helps me pack just to get rid of me for a few days.

Does your spouse make plans and then let you know at the last minute- and then get upset if you get upset about the disrespect shown?
Oh, don't get me started. This is one of the things I have the most problem with. It has to be a great emergency for me to do it, but she does it often. We are working on it, and it's improving.

Does your spouse call the shots on where you go as a couple, what you do etc. (with the exception of "where do you want to eat?"
She says I was really bad at doing this. In fact, it was a big problem for her and I didn't even know it.
Now we both do dates and I find I like to do things that she likes, and she likes to make me happy. We don't always do what we like ourselves. We were working on this before we found MB but has improved even more.

I am male, 47 W is 45.
8 children. Married 26 years.

SS

How much time do you "really" spend talking to your spouse?
At least 2 hours a day, Saturdays and Sundays, probably 3-4 hours each day

Does your spouse listen to what went on with your day?
As far as I can tell <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Does your spouse help you with any of your household chores? If so, what?
Some times are better than others, he keeps the yard/animals/85% of the garden/auto maintenance and repair - inside he takes care of the trash, sweeps, mops, vacuums, cleans the tub, helps with dishes, and helps with kids - sometimes more than others on these items.

Does your spouse contribute monetarily? If so to what percentage?
yes, 65% of income, 100% of benefits, ex. health insurance, investments etc.

Does your spouse "take you out" if so when and where and how often.
At least once a week. We dine out and then either shop (not the serious grocery shopping, but for something like a new dress, suit, electronic item etc) or watch a movie at the theatre.

Does your spouse make time to spend with you (in other words- are they out in the shop working for hours and then come in and go straight to bed)?
If he came in an went straight to bed, we wouldn't get our 2 hours of conversation in! We both work at creating time together. Sometimes I go out in the yard where he's working to be with him, and sometimes he comes in to be with me. Pretty much 50/50 on this one.
Does your spouse make plans to go places without you? Absolutely not!

Does your spouse make plans and then let you know at the last minute- and then get upset if you get upset about the disrespect shown?
Negative on this one too.

Does your spouse call the shots on where you go as a couple, what you do etc. (with the exception of "where do you want to eat?"
He has never turned me down on a request. However, since I still want to be "dated", he more often than not makes the plans for our outings.

How much time do you "really" spend talking to your spouse?

We talk for the two hours before work while the kids and we are getting ready for the day.

We speak on the phone at least a couple of times during the workday.

After work we watch the news, cook dinner together and hang out with the kids (Though now that they are teens and smarter then we are the kids often leave us alone.) Then we spend the evening either doing things together or doing things in the same room. Either way we are talking most of time. A good part of it just one on one.

During the summer months we tend to work on our garden together evenings and weekends.

He often reads books, poetry, magazines and entire websites to me. Especially at bedtime. That is something I really like.

We spend a lot of time talking about family, raising kids, current events, politics, religion, MB posts and anything else we can think of.

Does your spouse listen to what went on with your day?

Yes he always asks and then listens. I do the same with him.

But I do have to say that he is really bad about going into his own little world when he is working on something. The joke in our house is that the entire house could blow away around him and he’d never even realize it happened. Our kids have even skipped school with him at home… they just had to tip toe when they walked past him.

So when he’s in that mode, I have to make sure he’s snapped out of it and looking at me or he does not hear a thing.

Does your spouse help you with any of your household chores? If so, what?

Left to his own devices he’s not lift a finger. But with the help of MB we are getting somewhere.

He does his own laundry (everyone in our home does their own laundry) and the sheets and towels)

Feed the big cat and the dog.
Puts the trash on the curb on Fridays.

We have slit the house chores between family members (thanks to www.flylady.com). His job is to scrub and mop all of the tile floors in our house .. a pretty big area. He does this about once a month… not enough by my measure but I don’t say a thing. At least he’s doing it.

He is still unemployed so he is now making dinner almost nightly.

Does your spouse contribute monetarily? If so to what percentage?

Before his layoff he earned 50% of the income. Right now he’s bringing in unemployment.

Does your spouse "take you out" if so when and where and how often.


We bowl a league once a week so that’s one outing.

We go in cycles; sometimes we go out almost every weekend. Then we go into a cycle where it’s about once a month.. we in a once a month cycle right now. We have the problem that even though our kids are teens we cannot leave them alone nor do we have anyone to watch them for us. So we spend most of our time together at home. Lots of really romantic ‘dates’ in our bedroom suite.

Does your spouse make time to spend with you (in other words- are they out in the shop working for hours and then come in and go straight to bed)?

Used to spend all his time in his office, which is downstairs in the garage. Months ago we made an office for him in our bedroom suite (my office is there too). So now he is always with me. We spend evenings together and go to bed together every night.

I know these sound corny and I have read His Needs, her Needs, twice in fact.

Not corny at all.. very good questions in fact.

From the above posts you may guess my needs aren't being met- but I really would like to know what the "normal" marriage is like.

I’m not sure there is such a thing as a normal marriage.

Does your spouse make plans to go places without you?

No. I don’t without him either.

Does your spouse make plans and then let you know at the last minute- and then get upset if you get upset about the disrespect shown?

No

Does your spouse call the shots on where you go as a couple, what you do etc. (with the exception of "where do you want to eat?"

No not really. He’s pretty sensitive to what I want. But he will not go to a ‘chick flick’ at all. Will not even watch them at home. Lol

I am usually the one who comes up with the ideas of where to go.. he’s happy to let me make the plans. At first this bothers me. Now it does not as he still takes the lead from time to time.

----
The things I’d like to improve on is going out more regularly and getting him to do more in and around the house. I’m pretty happy with our marriage now and the amount we interact. It took some work but thanks to MB we are making a go of it.

<small>[ June 05, 2003, 07:14 PM: Message edited by: Eleonora ]</small>

Wow, sounds like you have spouses who "really care" about what goes on with each other's lives.

I guess it's only fair to answer my own questions, here goes

We probably spend 20 minutes a day talking-

I listen to any and everything he has to say about his day He on the other hand told me two years ago "that he didn't know the "kids" at my job (work with short people) and that my job bored him. He didn't like our conversation to be about what went on at work- kind of put a big wet rag over me- it's who I am, do you know how it feels to come home have a really crappy day and not be able to tell your significant other about it? He will ask "how was your day?" but I promise all he wants back is "fine". I have tried to get him involved with a conversation about what goes on with my job and he will literally walk away and change the subject.

Does mine help with any household chores? No, I think the last time he cooked was three weeks ago. He will not run the washer and drier, once a month he may help me fold laundry (cause it's on the couch and he wants to sit) other than that it's pretty much my responsibility.

Contribute monetarily? Well, he pays his credit card- his vehicle payment. I pay my car, gas, electric, telephone, cable, Dr.s etc etc etc- our mortgage is paid so that is not a problem. I also carry the insurance for the family, medical, dental, vision and life- needless to say a huge hunk of mine is gone each pay day. He does send three to four hundred dollars my way about every 5 or 6 weeks.

Does my husband take me out? We haven't gone dancine- which I love in months, don't go out to a movie and about once in three months he takes me out to eat.

Does your spouse make time to spend with you? No, he goes straight out to his shop and works till it's time for him to go to bed. (which we don't do at the same time)

Does your husband make plans to go out without you? Mine did, pre affair, now it's not as often. But I harbor a lot of anger and bitterness toward the way he used to treat me. He of course has said "the worst thing about the affair was it cost him the freedom to come and go as he did" DUH!!!!!!!

I never know what plans are until the hour before we are to leave, then if I get upset we don't go anywhere cause "he is trying and I am being unreasonable" hmmmmmm

We don't go anywhere unless it's what my husband wants. Period. I have begged him to go places with me- his reply "You are welcome to go ya da d a ddaaa"

Sounds awful huh? Top that off with him having an affair.

He says he is doing everything he can possibly do but he can't seem to make me happy anymore.

Ah well, such is life

Thanks for the responses, your spouses are very special and so are you- you realize that it takes work to make it happen. Mine I feel is emotionally unavailable- he truly has no clue.

Best of luck to you all

<small>[ February 05, 2005, 05:06 PM: Message edited by: hanora ]</small>

You did not ask for any advice. But I see so much in your post that I’ve struggled with at one time or another. So if you are interested, here’s some input that I hope is relevant to you.

He didn't like our conversation to be about what went on at work[I][b]
[I]about talking
There was a time when I noticed that our level of conversation was diminishing.. seems neither of us could think of what to take about. So I went out and bought several conversation starter books from www.amazon.com. I know it sounds weird but ti worked. I’d look through the books, come up with a few questions and the ask him. I asked him things about himself. He opened up, I found out more about him that way then I ever had before (hint guys love to talk about himself). Right now it does not matter what you talk about, you simply need to get the conversation going between the two of you.

Later, as he gets used to talking to you again, he will more then likely be willing to listen to your work talk. But be careful with work talk, many people do not like that. I tell my H very little about work.. Mostly because it’s boring. But he does listen when I have a need to discuss it.

Another thing that people hate is to come home and get hit with ‘work talk’. When you two first get home just give him the ‘fine’ and a kiss. Some people need some time to wind down. Then a couple of hours later, they may be more receptive.

Does mine help with any household chores?

Totally unacceptable that he does not help. One thing women often do is to set ourselves up for being the ‘housekeeper’. It needs to be done and no one else does it.. so we do it and then resent it. And if they do it and it’s not up to our standards, we take the chore back. Make sure you are not doing this.

One thing you could do is to tell him that you are over stressed and need to unload some things that you do. So he will need to do his own laundry from now on. Then on some nights just do not cook dinner. Take a break. If he leaves things laying around, get a box and just throw them all in the box, he can put them away if he wishes.

One thing I do with my kids is bargan. They will want to do x (something that takes my time). So I tell them that I’d love to but don’t have time because I have a chore to do. They usually help me finish the chore so I can help them. … Bargaining may work too.

There are some creative things you could do here. Also, take a look the web site www.flylady.com. She has wonderful ideas of how to make house work almost automatic.

A book that might help here is How to get through to the man you love

Contribute monetarily?

Why does he not help with all of the bills? At this rate you are better off financially divorced. Have you sat him down, showed him a list of the bills and your incomes? He has got to contribute.

As for taking you out, spending time together[I][b]

Have you taken a look at the material on the 180 from Divorce Busting? Your relationship with him needs a real shaking up… he is too sure of you, too comfortable. He is taking you for granted. The divorce busting site has a lot of material that would help you.. the book I already suggested, the book “Divorce Recovery”. Many here have had a lot of success with the 180. Take a look at the link to Carol’s thread on my signature block. It’s inspirational.

Is your husband still having an affair? If not how long ago did he end it?

[b][I]He says he is doing everything he can possibly do but he can't seem to make me happy anymore.

Well he’s obviously not doing everything he could do to make you happy and build a good relationship. He’s stuck in some depressing dance. But talking to him is just not going to work. The book about getting through to your man will explain a lot of why there is a communication issue here. And it explains what a woman can do to get through. We talk too much, men communicate through actions. Believe me it makes all the difference.

Hope this helps.

Thanks,

And yes, I was wanting advice as well.

The affair ended two years ago. As far as I know he's not in contact.

I think my biggest problem is My needs are not being met. He is who he is. And I can't seem to regain any speck of trust.

Wow, what an awesome relationship <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I know trust is critical to making this marriage work but I can't do it.

Too many "keep him on a short leash, watch him closely- (from his friends)

Too many "what happened in the past is irrelevant, we have to go on with our future- and I wouldn't want to know if you had had an affair because it's in the past" (this from him)-

He used to tell me (years ago) that I needed to go out and get a little strange to spice up my low sex drive <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> Now I wonder if he wasn't telling me what he was doing.

He tells me that he is hiding nothing from me but I have found instances that I know he is- one of those catch 22 things- I found a phone number in his wallet- I had set this number (a female vendor from another state- one he recently traveled through- long story-

anyway- I found the number in his pocket and set it in a bowl in our room- next day it was gone- I asked him about it- total denial

I find it about three months later- in his wallet-where I shouldn't have been- so I can't say "I know you know what happened to that number- it has since disappeared again.

Small, petty little things really but amazing how much damage it's doing to trust issues

Kind of similar to specks of sand having the power to strip paint off a car- know what I mean.

What do you do to rebuilt trust when you feel there are things your spouse refuses to confess to?

Any reply definitely welcome

I believe you will need to do something to get his attention before you can talk to him.

Some have been able to do it by saying something like: " We have problems, and if we can't solve them, I am going to leave."

For others it takes moving out before the other realizes they are serious.

Others feel they have slow progress so they continue to work for years, and years ( which is what my wife did.)

Many times self improvement is very slow, even when one wants to improve. Sometimes moving out sparks the other to want to improve, but there are many re-lapses so you wonder if it was worth it.

When you force things you always take a chance, but we also take a big chance by not doing enough.

What do you need, and how quickly do you need it?

SS

<small>[ May 05, 2003, 10:25 AM: Message edited by: still seeking ]</small>

Okay, here's how my M was before my A and our ensuing separation. I thought we were pretty good at marriage actually, but as I answered these questions, I guess we weren't.

How much time do you "really" spend talking to your spouse? Early in our marriage, lots, at supper time. Then we started eating in front of the tv and it reduced to at bedtime or if we were out for a meal. Then we got into exercising and went walking together and talked lots. Then I let my job take over too much of my life and we stopped exercising together, and it was back to most of our conversations being just before bed. And then many times my H didn't want to talk before bed, he wanted sex or sleep, not conversation. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Does your spouse listen to what went on with your day? He used to. As the years passed by, I felt like I was more of a nuisance than someone he cared to listen to. It was like his day was more important than mine.

Does your spouse help you with any of your household chores? If so, what? He would have you believe he did most if not all of them and that I was a lazy sow. He cooked often, he vacuumed, he cleaned washrooms, mowed the lawn. I made lunches, cooked supper a little less often than him, did laundry, etc.

Does your spouse contribute monetarily? If so to what percentage? We both earn the exact same income, we both have the same job, same employer, same number of years experience. We contributed 50/50, and had joint everything.

Does your spouse "take you out" if so when and where and how often. We used to go out at least once a week, Friday or Sat. Dinner, movies.

Does your spouse make time to spend with you (in other words- are they out in the shop working for hours and then come in and go straight to bed)?
We had a bad habit of watching lots of tv together, but it was together time. Other nights one of us would be doing work (me) while he fiddled on the internet, or he'd talk on the phone with his stupid female friends.

Does your spouse make plans to go places without you? Rarely. We mostly did everything together. But he started doing more things without me in the year before our separation, including boys only poker nights.

Does your spouse make plans and then let you know at the last minute- and then get upset if you get upset about the disrespect shown? No, he rarely would do that, nor would I.

Does your spouse call the shots on where you go as a couple, what you do etc. (with the exception of "where do you want to eat?"
He often did, because I was the easy going one and he was the pickier one. But I got to choose sometimes too.

Thanks for asking those questions. It demonstrates how we weren't exactly a perfect couple I guess.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">What do you do to rebuilt trust when you feel there are things your spouse refuses to confess to? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I wish I knew. My H figures that since I cheated on him, now he gets to be dishonest with me, or hide or keep things from me. Oh yeah, he thinks that's part of being separated. Whatever. I suppose that since I've started being completely honest, you may want to try my H's tactics. Push your spouse out of the house, don't talk to him for months, then only let him see you occasionaly for secret sexual meetings, all the while leading him to believe that you're still not sure you trust him enough to take him back. It may make him honest, or it may eventually make him leave. Sorry, I'll stop my pity-party now.

Interesting thread, I hope you gain some insight from the replies.

Jen