I hate my H and then I love him. I went to my cousins for a couple hours tonight and my H and his gf were calling me and harrassing me about not being home with the kids. I had a babysitter. Then his gf called saying what a rotten mother I am. My H and his gf said I am denying my H from seeing his kids, which I would love for him to take them, but not with his gf and the kids don't want to go with her. All the time I say for him to take the kids he says him and his gf will take them somewhere and then I tell him no take them by yourself and then he never does. I am here with my kids, I feed them, I make sure they go to school, take care of them when they are sick, cart them here and there so how can I be a rotten mother. I am here and they know I won't dessert them. My H and his gf keep on blaming me for him not seeing them because I don't want them around his gf and they don't want to be. I have made mistakes in the past and I wish my h had it him to forgive me, but he said he doesn't have it in him to be like me, all the times I forgave him the 1st 5 years we were married and before getting married, all the times I bailed him out of jail, and stuck by him with his drinking rages, cheating on me, smashing the house and not coming home at night, he even got to the point where he was wetting the bed when he was so drunk. Why can't he forgive me for what I did, and the few times I talked to the guy on the phone. The only person I will ever love is my H and I will ever want to be with is my H. I want my husband back no matter what and hope his gf has a rotten life. That is bad but, she told me I messed up her life and now he is with her and she doesn't have to work, because my H is supporting her. Then she said my H is off this weekend from work and he is spending the weekend with her and her daughers. They are always together, I always thought my H wanted to spend some time alone by himself to go hunting and fishing. I gave him a lot of freedom to do what he wanted. I just wish he would come out of the fog one of these days. What are the chances though if they have been seeing each other ofr 10 months. To think we were getting ready last year to go on a cruise May 17ths and 2 days after we got back he started going out with her.

<small>[ May 01, 2003, 06:16 AM: Message edited by: goldielocks109 ]</small>

Goldie,
Although I cannot help you with what to do, I would recommend not involving yourself in his life as long as he is neglecting and hurting you. You take care of yourself and the kids and don't worry about them, they are in their own world.

I am similar to him except we have no kids and I stopped drinking before i met my wife (15 yrs now). But I really identify with the "talking to the guy on the phone" making your H turn his back. Same story for me, and I got so mad that I smashed all my wife's perfume collection on the floor. She was so upset she asked for divorce (3 years ago) I had a one night stand to revenge. I almost filed but she begged me not to, then we tried to work it out (been in counseling since we met). I just got tired of trying and one day (1.5 yrs ago) I went out on her. I have been back and forth with my wife and this woman several times, mostly with the OW. I refiled for divorce 3 months ago but I didn't send the petition. I am currently unsure if I even want to keep the marriage or the OW.

Goldie,

repeat after me...from this moment forward I will say nothing or listen to anything the OW says....
say it again and again and again again...

now get out your number two pencil..and write
I wll say nothing or listen to anything the OW has to say.....

write it 100 times...
NOW act on it...from this moment forward...not a pip, a peep, a squeak, a chortle, a vowel, adjective, adverb, misspelled, missguided, missworded peice of semblance to english language that she whose name can no longer be spoken...speaks....will you listen to...

she can say what she wants but you are not to spend a nano-second worrying or listening to ANYTHING she says...

The only person I will ever love is my H and I will ever want to be with is my H. I want my husband back no matter what and hope his gf has a rotten life. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Ok what you meant to type was I want to learn to become a person that I love and then share that love with someone of whom I am worthy of and he is worthy of me.....
I want my husband at no cost of losing or selling me short and to establish a respectful intimate relationship with him....
gf who???? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

hang up the phone...
go home if you have to ...to leave your cousin and anyothers out of their and this chaos..
phone off hook
phone turned off...
whatever it takes so that you are not part of their cycle of childish behaviour....
YOU must remove yourself from the equasion...NO MATTER what they say...

ark

Goldie ~

Have you been to Al-Anon? I think you will find the best support there. Please run, don't walk to your nearest meeting!!

A couple of thoughts...as long as your husband is in the grip of his addictions (gf, and booze), he can't be your husband. He certainly can't have been meeting your needs - I am NOT giving you a pass on your affair, but I also understand that if your needs were not being met, and your husband was lovebusting with huge stuff like drunken rages and wetting the bed...well...its kinda obvious why you were left feeling vulnerable and needing someone else to make you feel better about yourself.

So I'll ask you this....what is there to love about your husband...AS HE IS TODAY? I realize he was lovable at some point, or you wouldn't have married him.

I think your love of him is based more on what you imagined him to be, or hoped he wouldu be, rather than who he is. How do I know? I'm from family riddled with alcoholism, and I'm married to an alcoholic. I know the script by heart!

Now this doesn't mean you have to dump him, but my concern is that your love of him is an emotional dependency - which will keep you clinging to a man who is clearly destructive to you.

Goldie...can you file for a restraining order? Keep a journal of these calls, tape them if you can. Call the police everytime they bother you.

Why? Because what you type here makes me afraid for your safety and for your children's safety. I am afraid that you will put yourself and your kids at risk for fear of "lovebusting" and losing your marriage for good.

RIght now, there IS no marriage to save. All you can do is hang on, take care of your kids and yourself, and let him crash. Only then will he have a chance to seek recovery for himself, and then be capable of being the husband you need.

Let me be very clear. You did NOT cause your husband to have his affair. Or to drink..or any of this other stuff. You are NOT dealing with a typical BS/WS scenario. You are dealing with an out of control alcoholic! Your affair did NOT drive him to do ANY of this, got that?

Do you have a women's shelter you could call for advice? You might find them a valuable resource for help while you step out of the path of your husband's self-desctruction. That's right, he's self-destructing, and you are headed down that path right along with him. Step aside, let him go. Be there when and IF he comes back, but don't go with him...

The thing is he quit he went to rehab and was sober for 6 1/2 years and I cheated on him when he wasn't drinking. He always had a rotten attitude, but minus the drinking.

Now today he called me from work and asked what the boys were up to. I told him I got released from the dr's to go back to work on Monday since my car accident in December, but I lost my job in January so I am jobless so we talked about that, then he said I better go and I told him I loved him and he said I know and I said I know you aren't happy with her and he said I'm not happy anywhere. I asked him to straighten up and come back home and he said I can't come back home. I made a mistake by asking right?

The thing is he quit he went to rehab and was sober for 6 1/2 years and I cheated on him when he wasn't drinking. He always had a rotten attitude, but minus the drinking.

Now today he called me from work and asked what the boys were up to. I told him I got released from the dr's to go back to work on Monday since my car accident in December, but I lost my job in January so I am jobless so we talked about that, then he said I better go and I told him I loved him and he said I know and I said I know you aren't happy with her and he said I'm not happy anywhere. I asked him to straighten up and come back home and he said I can't come back home. I made a mistake by asking right?