Help me I am being honest here. My OW had walked out on me last Saturday. My wife had gave me a final ultimatum and I had been tired of my affair, so I decided to talk to my wife. I changed my cell # so my OW called my home. She wanted me back but I said no. I kept no contact. My wife called me Sunday night but I was depressed and "waiting" for OW to call, and didn't answer her call. She called OW and told her that I never really filed the divorce. OW visited me Tuesday, we talked and had some physical contact. She said she was ready to let me go try with wife. Meanwhile, my wife refused to talk to me all day Tuesday, and almost gave up (she went to court to get papers). Talked to me that night, we went to counselor tonight, he is setting the rules. It is a shaky bet if reuniting will work. I have been in daily contact with OW. Now the truth is out with OW, but the lies continue for my wife. I know I am screwing up, can someone help me please?

Blah34, yes, I have some good advice. Sit down and tell wife the truth! Totally! Because it hurts to know you are lying all the time and there can be no trust left!
Then tell the Ow to buzz off in front of your wife by phone!
Yes, you must let your wife hear this! For her self esteem and to believe you.
You can rebuild your marriage and make it good, but you have to be willing now to pay the price.
You cannot have it all your way anymore. OW is out! NO letters, no phone calls, no emails, no personal talks, no coffee not even a wave passing in hall or anywhere. You must develop a demeanor as if Ow was dead and buried!
As a BS myself, I'd want to hear my H tell OW she was crap compared to my wife, and not worth the pain caused to wife. And I do not love you!
I love my wife!
Are you willing? Or do you think that would hurt ow feelings? Well guess what. Your spouse has had her feelings hurt much more by the slut and you!
You want a marriage, you can't have both! And it will only work if you are in it 100% and wife has to be number 1, first and last!
If you can't do this, then your wife may never heal and get closure. You did it to her, now you owe it to her to replace what has been taken from her.
OW feel they're better than the BW. They think you love them more. And the only way for me to heal is to hear my H say he can't stand OW and she's [censored] in his eyes. Even if he has to say it to her face or by phone with me listening in.
No, you can't do this in private! You've had your privacy and abused it, and you don't need anymore time to work out OW.
Daily contact? Better stop all contact if you have to change jobs, move states, etc.
Either that or give your wife a divorce and let her find a man who will love her and not hurt her anymore. And support her too.
LOULOU

can someone help you do what?...
I can't understand what it is you want?

ark

Blah34....as a BS, I couldn't agree with Ladylou more. Your W is the victim here. The OW, well, she was in it for the fun. Remember, your relationship is built on deceit; the fun and excitement comes from not being "found out". It is the elusiveness of the OW that makes the A seem so much more "rosy" than marriage to your wife. However, keep in mind that your W has shared the ups, downs and in-between. The OW is getting just the very "best" of you. My WS other woman has never seen the violent aspect of his temper. Oh, he can hide it...but how long. My WS OW has never seen him save money; only spending it, never even putting his hand in his pocket. You should be remourseful and hope that your wife calls you, not your mistress. Trust me, coming from a W, we can all put on our very best to get men to pay attention to us as well. We know how other women move in and manipulate our spouses to think that we're mean, abusive, fat and slovenly, too wrapped up in the children, etc., etc. Just keep in mind Blah...that OW get PMS too, and before it is too late, don't swap a real "love" for something as sinister and false as a fictitious love, born out of an affair.

I feel so terrible about saying goodbye to either one, I have been having suicidal thoughts lately. I know that it is good to mend my marriage, I am struggling with if I am really committed to growth with HER or not. We have had a long difficult history. I know logically that the way I have lied and cheated both women, I deserve to be alone. What makes it hard is that neither one wants to give up, and its my fault that I started this mess.

Lou lou,
I dont know if I am willing, I feel numb.

Blah-

Hey, you're making the right moves by posting on these forums for advice. I agree with the others that you're probably addicted to the high of the chase (I don't know - I'm a BS). IMO it's simple really...giving up the OW and stopping ALL CONTACT COMPLETELY is the right thing to do.

Now, if you do that and things don't work out with your wife, then the right thing to do is get a divorce before you get involved with someone else. But you must be honest with your W because regardless of how the M has gone to this point, she deserves the truth. If you keep up this contact, your conscious will continue to haunt you. Good luck and god bless......

hmmmm
I am still not clear on what advice you want..
how to fix your marriage?
how to fix things with your OW?
how to make all of this go away?
how to not say goodbye to both of them and not feel terrible?

getting all entangled in all these emotions...is really just a diversional tactic to avoid yourself...in my opinion....

You my friend are standing at one of those defining moments in our lives...when we put aside our feelings...and realize that it is our actions that define who we are and what we believe...

You need a plan that gets you away from the person you are right this minute to becoming a person that you yourself can like...and then have others in your life like you as well...

It's easy to love people..(love is way over-rated) .it takes a lot more energy to like them.

So you start by looking at your own actions and try to see what they say about you....

You can continue to waffle and let this all be out of control..which is really just a continuation of your hurtful actions...or you can decide that YOU are going to get in control of this chaos you have created.

You need to start somewhere...or you will continue to drown in your sea of misery...and play the victim...and make all these grand statements...about mending your marriage or not mending it...when you sir are so far away from even having much say in the outcome of your marriage at this point...that how you can even see far ahead in the future of renconciling with anyone when all you continue to do is act out in the total opposite direction...of any sort of healing for you or anyone else...

you have to start within...being honest with you...
do you like who you are?
do you like how you treat people who you claim to care about?
do you want your actions to continue to define YOU in such a sad and disrespectful way

Is that who YOU are???
start there...decide who you are...but also decide what type of person you WANT to be...and begin to move towards becoming that person.

then maybe you will see clearly enough to know what you want...and quit playing the what if it doesn't work out game....

ark

Blah34, Time to go see your doctor. Psychiatrist best. Get some antidepressants to help you get back to thinking rationally. I've very serious!
I've been there and had the suicidal thoughts. The depression is horrible but you have brought this on yourself. Now you must take positive steps to improve yourself.
You don't want to say goodbye to either one?
Hogwash! The OW has to go! Today!
Forget her feelings, she's not worth it or your life.
Your wife is another subject here. You can only start to straighten out problems you've had in the marriage when you admit both need help. And that starts with counseling for past, and current problems.
You want my diagnosis? here is is. Whatever is making you this unhappy and undecisive is in you. No one else. So even if you left wife and went to OW permanently, you're going to take that with you. And that relationship will fail badly.
You are unhappy because you are not commiting to a one on one relationship and building it into a happy one. You are adding to your problems.
Give up OW and work with wife Find out where you both need to improve in depositing points to your love bank.
I have putA authors name wrong in the post many times. Let me correct this now. Buy the book by Willard Harley. Titled "His Needs/ Her needs".
Start to apply his advice to your marriage. Both of you.
Then you will see the love grow between you and Wife.
Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. One you created and one you can uncreate.
You feel numb because you are unwilling to do the things to make it better. Inaction will not solve anything. Drag yourself to a doctor!
Get meds to help you and counseling. I once though life wasn't worth living either anymore.
I can't even explain the hell daily life was for me. I could go nowhere or run nowhere to rid myself of it.
I sought counseling, took meds and read voraciously. Pikced myself up and said no way will I give in to satan!
I will win this battle and the war because I choose to do right regardless of who is hurting me, and allow God to guide me.
You know exactly what you have to do. You should do it and let the burden go.
If your marriage doesn't work out, then you will still have a life afterward.
OW is a parasite on your back, just like any other addiction.
Get to work and do something about it.
LouLou

I want to thank you all for your replies, I need hear from others to realize that I am not alone in my struggles. I have gone to the end of the road in both relationships and these women are both ready to say "forget him, that two-timer". I was always so virtuous, and then I lost it all when I decided that casual sex and infidelity were my priorities, rather than facing marital problems and directly resolving them.