i just cant seem to get throught this,its so hard because one day im feeling good, strong and pretty happy with myself, that im able to do it without him, you know, im ok i dont need him hes the one who is goonna loose out,hes gonna b sorry.
but these two days i just feel so bad!im mad at him for leaving us (5kids) im mad he is not here at night to hear them cry!! and have to try and say nice things to them about him,hes just confused, he doesnt mean to hurt you, you know he still loves you. when in my mind im thinking how could he do this to them if he loved them at all he would not b destroying there life!! and mine!!FOR SOME OW!! here he has a sure thing, and hes throwing it all away for something that i know will never b what we have!! sometimes i just want to call and yell at him or ow,i just want to yell and scream!!he cant realise how much this hurts! i just dont get it we didnt have a bad marriage,we had fun, we shared everything, he still says im his best friend! so how can he just leave so easy!!i dont get it!! and that is what hurts the most we did have it so good, and he seems to have forgotten everything! like those 18 years together did not even exist!!i just want to call him and say stop being so stupid and selfish and come home you know all you gotta do is come home and we will b ok, but i know it wont work!! he doesnt hear anything i have to say its like talking to a wall!!

Malcswife...how long since DDay? Unfortunately, BS all share that horrifying vascillation during the healing process. It takes a while, so ask God for the patience, and ask him to grant you stability. When my WS OW divulged the A (my H was too much of a coward to admit the truth), I was horrified, moritified and downright hurt. I loved him, how could he do this...but mostly, I looked at my children and wept openly. My children were my saving grace. Look at them each day and recognize the fact that they will get you thru this. They will make you happy and proud and your thoughts about your H will be put on the back burner. It is very difficult to say this to you, especially if your wound is new and very raw. I am now into month 7 after DDay, but I've been in the position are you now. My H is now playing games the other way; I want to work it out, No, I don't want to come home...back and forth. Just recently, hmmm, say the last week or so, I recognized that this behavior has to stop. Now, he is NOT going to stop it, but I will. I will not give him any of my time. In the beginning, all I did was call and beg him, threaten him, throw out the guilts, etc. It didn't work and it never will. Unfortunately, your H has to come out of the fog himself and realize what he lost; you telling him will not work. They (WS) will only go as far as you allow him to go. Don't dwell on the negatives of him leaving you (I know it's hard, but try), but rather on the positives of what you have in store for you and your children. It does work...but you must, no matter what, ask God's help.

I know what you are feeling. I don't get it either. I'm pretty much in the same spot.
Especially when it comes to the kids. How can they just walk away?
And the good day, bad day thing. Same here. I really appreciate the good days and there can be several in a row sometimes and I think, wow, I must reaching a new phase, letting go a bit. And them all of sudden it hits me again! The pain, the sadness, the anger. But overall I do think it diminishes somewhat with time.
I thought we had it pretty good too. Was I that blind, what didn't I see? I think about this all the time. But really, it was good,but mid-life crisis is real. He has issues he wants to hide from, financial, etc. And OW is the quick fix.
I'm trying to be patient, right now I'm being good at not calling him. Although I did call on our 19th ANNiv. last week. But then I didn't hear from him for 5 days and he calls me at work, for nothing important! What's he missing me, couldn't wait till that night to ask about the mail or to tell me has strep throat? What did he want, sympathy?
I think it helps when I don't call him.
I don't volunteer much about the kids, if he wants to know, he should be here, at the games, at the Doctors, at the play, whatever it is.
We just need to go on with our lives, they will regret it at some point and who knows what can happen at that point. Until then, we need to be strong, live our lives to the fullest especially for the kids.
We need to keep thier lives as normal as possible. The pain is real for them too, we can acknowledge it and be there for them and then show them by example how to carry on. It's all we can do really.
It's so hard not to show the anger though. But it doesn't do any good to be angry all the time, it eats us up from the inside out! I have to work at it all the time and I think I'm getting a handle on it.
Be strong! I'll be thinking of you.

d day was in nov, he said they are just friends at firstand he was starting to have feelings for her, now he says he loves her! but it is not a pa yet. i dont know if hes waiting to divorce me first before he goes that far, or if he is still trying to make up his mind, he did say he wants a divorce but he hasnt done it yet, he said because hes scared to go do the papers. i try not to call him and actually i hardly ever do he is the one always calling he spends time with the children every weekend, actually he spends all his time here, it is confusing for me and the kids,my d was crying the last time he left cause she acked him if he was going to stay but he said no, she said it hurts me when your here and then you have to leave again, he just said i know, so he has been trying to stay away more, he said he would see them on tues and thurs at t ball practice. i really feel bad because i feel that if i could have been stronger and let him see ow it was only lunch date and phone calls he would still b here. i feel like i drove him away, because i couldnt handle all the lies,and broken promises.
i too had been having a few great days but yesterdayi was out doing laundry and i saw him coming from ow house he takes her home everyday from work, and that just really hurt, i was so mad, he keeps telling me she has nothing to do with the way he feels, bull!! i just feel like why do i do this why do i have try and b understanding when he doesnt seem to give a darn about anyone but him and ow!! i was so mad but i didnt say anything i just bit my tongue and kept quiet for the few minutes he was here.he just doesnt realize how much damage he is doing to me and these kids, i wrote him a letter, about all the plans we had for our future, being old toghether, having granchildren come and play, planning our childrens weddings, taking long trips together after the children are gone, all the christmas mornings he is going to miss, fathers day mornings, birthdays,when they graduate he wont b able to say i helped with that, i told himall my dreams for the future and told him i know you wanted these thing just as much as i did, dont give up on us dont give up on me. just come home and we will start working on our future, i know its not as easy for you as it is for me but ill help you throug this, together we can do it! dont let all these dreams just dissapear. come home.
any way thatswhat i said i figure itcant hurt at least it is worth a try, right? what do you think? <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

I've written letters too. He keeps saying "I Know how you feel about me".
I wrote another long one not too long ago, but I'm sitting on it for awhile because I'm not sure that it sinks in while they are in the fog.
I may ask Mortarman what he thinks. He can ask his wife, if those things made any difference to her while she was in Fog.

i would like to hear what mortaman has to say im thinking about keeping my letter too, for a while dont want it to go to waste if hes not really going to hear it,or get it i guess is what i want to say.

Mortarman replied. Check out his thread. He says to definately send it. I may reconsider and send my last one with a couple of additional lines.

learning, iread mortamans thread i love reading those storys were something is finally going good,i will definetly give him my letter and keep doing my best plan a,it seems like i notice little changes h has towards me but im always afraid to think to much of them. because he seems so sure it is over between us, although he cant stay totally away,and says im still his best friend even though he talks to ow more than me.i asked him about that once and he got very offended that i would even think she was his best friend, i even asked him what if she doesnt like it that we still talk he said too bad! im going to give him my letter today hes supposed to take the kids out tonight. good luck to you,

Malcswife

Ditto on all of it. I know what you mean when you talk about we had a good life WE were happy. We had fun together,as a couple, as family. Its like I told my H, come back we have all the incredients for a good life. But you know what, he has to find out for himself, and so does yours.

Its like they are on some journey and have to find their own way back. I don't think anything we say really makes a difference untill they are ready to hear it. As a matter of fact i think the guilt actually makes them more distant. I'm convinced that they do know how much they are hurting us but they choose not to acknowledge it.

As for the kids they are the true victims here because nothing will ever be the same, birthdays, holidays or even sunday afternoons. Everything will be different. But WE owe it to them to try and keep a positive outlook for them and not show them the negative, try and point out the positive always!

One of my students mentioned to me that while her parents were separated (later reunited <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> ) her mom made it seem so cool that she would have two houses she was actualy excited about sleep overs and visitation. Interesting huh.

Positives and patience, and like my mother in law(best friend) always tells me continue your life and if he's lucky he'll catch up with you!

Easier said than done, expecially on those rollercoaster dips, but thats what the rest of us are here for, hopefully we'll never be "dipping at the same time".

Chin up <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

It's on my busiest days, that I get stressed and have a hard time keeping the anger down!
Thinking of WH with nothing but time on his hands(although I'm sure he has plenty of guilt to process), and I'm running around like a chicken with my head cut off!
Which of course makes me short-tempered, results in argument w/teen S. Which results in apology later(along with guilt for me)
I just see the kids having to grow up too soon and deal with things that they shouldn't have to. It makes me sad and angry.
All we can do is try our best to keep life "normal" for them.
It's a lot of responsibilty, just wish there was "someone" to share it with.

crunchie, i know what you mean about h having to find outfor themselves, it was weird when he left i had a feeling of ok now this is he begging of the end,as much as i did not want him to leave, i knew deep down he wasnt going to see it unless he did go. everyone i talk to says when they see him hes not happy,a friend of ours told me he called her last night because he was looking for something to do,she said he sounded so lonely! i hope lonliness clears up fog! he called earlier well actually i called him first to tease him, he didnt answer, but he saw my # and called back, he said what did you want? i said you! he laughed and said really what did you want? i said i really want you,he was laughing, he said i cant im working.he laughed and i knew he liked it, i know there is nothing wrong w our marriage,its just all in his head.nothing that cant b fixed anyway.he asked me to join him and the kids tonight! he hasnt asked me to join them in so long,he said were going to the drive in do you want to go with us? i said i had a church meeting, and he sounded dissapointed, so i said well i can go and leave early, he said ok. it really made me feel good.
i understand about the short temper thing to ,learning. sometimes i dont even realise im doing it and the kids will say mom why are you yelling? and then it hits me and i wil just start crying and telling them im sorry,im trying to work on it, but it is so hard, when i think of him running around out there and im here being the responsible one!my 12yod asked me mom your always mad all the time why? i just cried and said im sorry, im mad at your dad for leaving us when he promised me hed always b with me, im sorry im not to strong but im trying to do the best i can.i have to remember they hurt too, iforget sometimes.