I posed this question on another thread, but didn't get too much response back. So, I'm hoping by dedicating it's own thread that I can get some more people who have done this to respond.

My wife wants to separate and begin dating each other so we can get to know each other again. I agree that this would be good for us, but neither of us really have any idea how to begin, or what to do.

Any help or suggestions are greatly appreciated and welcome.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My wife wants to separate and begin dating each other so we can get to know each other again. I agree that this would be good for us, but neither of us really have any idea how to begin, or what to do. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Funny how they think isn't it. Well maybe not if you agree dating your wife would be a good thing. My wife used the same thing on me. To which I kindly refused. Not only did I not know where to begin in the dating game, but in my view this would give her a feeling of entitlement to date others as well. Otherwise why seperate?

In the end we stayed together. I "dated" her so to speak while we were together. Looking back at that time I do not see that it helped at all. It did almost put us in the poor house tho.

Read the links in my signiture line. Especially the first one. Moving on was the only thing that seemed to help. 2+ years after d-day and we are still together and doing better each day.

jd

TM94,

Jdmac1 said it better than I could. In the BS world, dating means working on the relationship, getting it all back. In the WS world, it means letting the BS down slowly, getting them off their backs in a way that feels right. My wife, when we separated, wanted to meet once a week and date. Then I found out later from a friend of hers that she had moved out, not to get her head straight, but to be with the OM. the dating proposition with me was her attempt to let me down slowly.

I dont buy this dating thing. Sure, my wife and I have to "date" each other. learn about each other. Get comfortable again. But you must understand that "dating" means one thing in the BS world, and something entirely else in the WS world. you may find yourself waking up one day with your wife saying "well, I said we were dating. Just because you now have found out that what I meant was that I want to date others too doesnt mean I lied."

JDMAC1 is right. This will not help. If you do this, it will just open the bakery. and all you will see is icing on her face (from all the cake eating)!

In His arms.

<small>[ May 01, 2003, 02:19 PM: Message edited by: Mortarman ]</small>

I didn't know it was such a popular concept! My WH told me in Feb. that maybe we should divorce and then start fresh - he wanted to "erase" what he had done instead of being honest and facing it .....at the time he hadn't even told me about OC. I honestly think he just wanted it all to go away. Unfortunately it can't.

Why do you need to separate to date. That would make it very expensive. But dating is good. When I realized we needed to do something it seemed that to go back to some form of dating would be to bring back love. We loved each other very much when we were dating.

Dating to a woman represents being cared for, wanted, desired, intimate talk between a man and a woman that shows that you want to know about how she feels and he feels,and the making of wishes and dreams to come true. It's symbolic after you have been in an old marriage that you want the beauty of yesterday. But knowing it is fresh today.

My advice is to be in the moment. And remember how you once fell in love and how important she was to you. Get out of old rituals and bring in the new habits and relish your spouse.

Don't be shy. Have fun.

Dating your WS is as ludicrous as selling ice to eskimos.

The true purpose of dating is to learn about the person you're dating. Would you date somebody who you knew beforehand was exactly like your fog minded WS? Of course not, and you probably find any excuse to never get involved with such a person.

'Dating' while separated achieves absolutely nothing as far as marital recovery.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> 'Dating' while separated achieves absolutely nothing as far as marital recovery.

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">TMCM: I disagree. If recreational companionship is high on your spouses list of EN's then dating is a must whether separated or together.

TM 94: I'm assuming there is no EA / PA going on here. I'm confused as to why your WS feels it's necessary to separate?? Can you not try to meet this EN while together?

My WS and I were separated for several months. After the initial separation we had a much needed cooling off period of NC. After about 6 weeks we started talking and dated for about 7 months s before he chose to move back home. When we started dating, we had rules.....no relationship talk, no staying over, sharing expenses, sharing responsibility for setting up the date, etc. It was uncomfortable at first but gradually we became familiar with each other again and learned to enjoy each other's company. Eventually, we got to a point where we could share out goals, and expectations with each other again. We also learned about boundary setting. In our case it worked well, but there was no third party involved. Well into recovery, he understands that dating is high on my list of EN's and no longer discounts the value of 'dating.'

Of course, if there is a third party involved you need to decide are you going to Plan A or Plan B? While there is room for dating within the scope of Plan A, there is not within Plan B.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by T00MuchCoffeeMan:
<strong>Dating your WS is as ludicrous as selling ice to eskimos.

The true purpose of dating is to learn about the person you're dating. Would you date somebody who you knew beforehand was exactly like your fog minded WS? Of course not, and you probably find any excuse to never get involved with such a person.

'Dating' while separated achieves absolutely nothing as far as marital recovery.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">ROFLMBO!!! I love that explanation!!! Go coffeeman!

TM94:

Just read back a bit and your signature line. I agree with you. Does sound like your W is out of the fog and trying to plan A. Perhaps dating her way of asking you to spend some Q-time with her (without the kids). You sound skeptical, perhaps afraid of rejection if you agree to plan A. You don't want to be hurt, so your immediate reaction is to withdrawl yourself.

What to you want out of this relationship?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> 'Dating' while separated achieves absolutely nothing as far as marital recovery. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I've got to disagree with you here TMCM. I tend to agree more with Faith1060.

If you've been completely separated from your spouse for any extended period of time, from a woman's point of view, I feel I need to go out on dates with my spouse to get to know him again, and see if I can trust him to treat me well again. To move straight home would seem to be to be beyond foolish.

And indeed if Recreational Companionship is high on your list of EN's, you need to know you can have fun like that with your spouse, or else you may not want to stay with them if they can't meet that need.

Jen

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I've got to disagree with you here TMCM. I tend to agree more with Faith1060.

If you've been completely separated from your spouse for any extended period of time, from a woman's point of view, I feel I need to go out on dates with my spouse to get to know him again, and see if I can trust him to treat me well again. To move straight home would seem to be to be beyond foolish.

And indeed if Recreational Companionship is high on your list of EN's, you need to know you can have fun like that with your spouse, or else you may not want to stay with them if they can't meet that need.

Jen</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You are indeed correct in that dating your spouse falls under the need of recreational companionship and it is very important for marital recovery BUT ONLY IF BOTH spouses are doing it as part of comittment for rebuilding their marriage, otherwise it is nothing more than window dressing.

Jen, you tried to give your H SF (a very important EN) without a comittment for rebuilding the marriage, and what did you get for that? Is he working on rebuilding the marriage?. The same goes for fulfilling any other EN like recreational companionship without an honest effort on the part of both to rebuild the marriage.

I guess I assumed that no one would waste their time dating if they didn't both have the goal in mind to work towards recovering their M.

And we all know what happens when we assume things....

TMCM, how is it that you are always right? You're not really my H masquerading as a sensitive person are you? LOL

Jen

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">TMCM, how is it that you are always right? You're not really my H masquerading as a sensitive person are you? LOL</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Jen, I resemble that remark. Now if you'll excuse me I'm going back to my rocking chair for a cheap thrill. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

<small>[ May 02, 2003, 08:26 AM: Message edited by: T00MuchCoffeeMan ]</small>

Wow, I didn't expect this big of a response this quick. No time right now, but I will respond to everyone individually as soon as I can. Thank you all very much.

To quickly clear up some confusion:
My wife is still at home, hasn't left yet.
I have changed so much she feels that she doesn't know me anymore, hence dating to get to know the "new me".
Dating others has been discussed, she says absolutely not, but she wants me to date others to make sure she is the one I want to spend the rest of my life with.
I have been in Plan A since sometime in December, and it seems to be working very good. She now wants to rebuild our marriage "if we can get back to the way it used to be".

More later, I promise. Thanks again everyone.

Ok, so you are still married, and she still lives with you and she won't date other people but she wants you to, and she is the WS correct? Sounds like she is wanting you to date to appease her guilt. If you are married, and wanting to keep the marriage, no one dates other people!!!!!!!!!!
Who ever thought this would be a hard concept?

<small>[ May 02, 2003, 11:49 AM: Message edited by: adgirl48 ]</small>

oops double post

<small>[ May 02, 2003, 11:47 AM: Message edited by: adgirl48 ]</small>

TM94:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I have changed so much she feels that she doesn't know me anymore, hence dating to get to know the "new me".</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I doubt that 'you' have changed very much. Generally, core values remain the same. What's changed however is your behaviors towards your W, certain situations, etc.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> she wants me to date others to make sure she is the one I want to spend the rest of my life with. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Ok. Let me see if I understand this. You guys are still together and working on your marriage yet she is suggesting you separate so you can date so you can be sure you want to be with her???

Guilt? possible. But I think what your W is really trying to say is that she is afraid that after everything that has happened you are going to leave her. I have a hard time believing she wants to separate and wants you to date. What I really think is she is just looking for some reassurance from you that you want to be married and you won't have an A on her.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> "if we can get back to the way it used to be".</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I have a hard time with this. Personally, I think "getting back to the way it used to be" is a step backwards. It will never be that way because of the A. However, you live and you learn and you apply the lessons learned moving forward with a commitment to meet each other's EN's and there is the potential for the relationship to be even better.

Good Luck.

The only reason I can think of that she wants you to date other people is because of low self esteem. She goofed up and would feel better, (she thinks) if you did it too.

It is really true that the WS needs more help here. She must feel pretty crappy for what she did.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The only reason I can think of that she wants you to date other people is because of low self esteem. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That is true. And in women, low self esteem manifests itself in any number of behaviors.....affairs, guilt, self-sacrifice, anorexia, etc. What's key however is for your W to discover what's driving it. Most likely, unmet emotional needs.

TM94: Have you and your W taken the EN quiz yet? Do you know what your w's EN's are? Does she know what yours are?

Don't fall into the trap of beleiving her when she tells you that she wants you to date others and she won't. If you do, you will be helping her to accuse you later on only to allevitate her conscience and to justify her willingness to start dating others (you know she will). She did this before when she initially agreed with you in trying swinging with OM and his W, remember?

<small>[ May 02, 2003, 02:15 PM: Message edited by: T00MuchCoffeeMan ]</small>