Previous updates here, full story here .
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Big Hello to everybody here at MB

I am back after almost a month of absence to report on the activities ;-)

Well, plan B started April 14. The letter I wrote was initially long, but after some trimming became a half a page document and was delivered in person. She started to read it right away but after the first two lines and a sarcastic smile stopped reading. She called several times after in regards to some financial matters and taxes, but I didn't reply. Several phone calls with no messages left after that.

A week after, there was a "misunderstanding" about the times and place she was supposed to pick up D and she ended up waiting for me at our house and me waiting to pick up D at her apartment. I knew they were not in the apartment because the car was not there. So I waited for 1 hour thinking that they went to a movie or something (it was Easter Monday). No big deal. I can wait.

Then I looked at the apartment window and saw that the light was on (it wasn't on before). I pressed the buzzer and nobody replied. I knew then that OM was there. No problem, I said to myself. I will wait some more until they come.
After another hour, OM comes down to me (first time I saw him in person) and tells me that they are waiting at home. I was calm on the outside, but boiling inside.

She went home with D being afraid to disturb the OM. Invents this story about the misunderstanding between us.

Needless to say that I came home furious, but trying to keep cool to find my D crying like I never seen her before. I assumed that she was told about the whole thing and that's why she is crying.

We had an agreement, that whenever we decide to tell her about the future, we would do it together so that she doesn't feel abandoned and lost. It looked that she did not keep her end of the bargain.

I went nuts. So I kind of helped her to the door and slammed it after. I picked up my baby and tried to calm her down. It took an hour. I called to apologize for I lost my temper (I have never done this before) only to be confronted by OM. He acted like Superman who just saved LL from a falling building or something.

I know that I LB-ed big time, and gave them the ammunition to justify their behavior, but it felt good nevertheless. I finally could tell myself that I can get off the roller coaster and never get back on. Let them ride alone from now on. I'll sit back and relax. Have a beer (could not have a drink before, as it would make me sick), go to a movie, work on some projects of my own, update my D's website (www.xenia.ca if you have a spare moment) and generally do things I like.

The plan B letter clearly asked to respect my privacy and she didn't make an effort to do it before that incident. Now she doesn't call, she doesn't enter the house at will like before. I don't contact her either. She REALLY changed towards D. They finally go places, cook, read, and have fun together. In her fog babble she blamed me for the fact that she doesn't pay enough attention to D. It makes me happier to see D more relaxed.

I still have my moments though. Some days are better than others, but overall things are improving. I got off the sleeping pill, don't miss any of my soccer games, eat well. I like the way I feel.

Waiting for developments. OM in our phone conversation that night said that they intend to marry, so we have to either sell the house or I would have to buy her out. I told them, any time, but I won't do the leg work. Let them deal with it. Plan B baby, plan B. The situation is not much fun, but beats what I was a while ago.

<small>[ May 05, 2003, 03:27 PM: Message edited by: BigStar ]</small>

I am bumping this. Please reply to the post. I need your opinion.

BS

Hi Polar Boy,

It sounds like you are off to a good start with your plan B.

It also looks like WW told your d about the plan B in a moment of feeling angry that you were finally pulling away. That's how I see it anyways. No more cake for her...and she's mad! It's unfortunate that your D got caught in the crossfire, but it also sounds like you are really getting your act together...feeling better about yourself etc. You will be able to help your D very well in the coming months, and the fact that WW is doing better with D must be a huge relief.

I don't know your full story, but I gather that WW is with OM, in deep fog etc. Plan B is your only option. Like all the MB'ers say, you have to let this thing with OM run its course, and burn out...and chances are it will, the stats reflect that fact.

Stay strong, and keep posting. I will be looking for signs that it's working. But, be patient.

E

wow polarboy....you, the webmaster, rule!

That's a really cool looking site for your daughter. She looks/sounds like a great kid. Keep up the amazing parenting job.

btw: we're not far, in Montreal.

ok, i know you are not polar boy...don't know what I was thinking...sorry <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Hello Eleanor,

Didn't have the time to answer right away. Busy. My week to be with D. Try spend as much time with her as possible. I miss her very much the week she is not with me. We did some yard work together, cooked, cleaned. She seems to enjoy her time with me.

Today, Sunday my D and I went to church. First time in her "adult" life. We didn't go to church before. I can't blame anyone for this, but can safely say that I didn't do it from fear to upset my wife. She is not a big church goer. This time I asked my daughter to go and she agreed as the nearest Russian Orthodox Church is Saint Xenia of St. Petersburg. Our D name is Xenia and she was born in St. Petersburg. How could she not have agreed? She liked it. Needless to say that I too need a lot of serenity and peace, so going to the church brought some of that, and as emotional as I am now, almost cried praying.

I must say that after I had the will to get off the roller coaster, some good things started to happen. The dancing lessons are a joy for me and our D. I will definitely go to church regularly from now on. We discussed this with D and she agreed. I started to score in my soccer games as before. Started to gain some wait (lots more to go in that department).

Almost had an A of my own, but backed out of it as soon as found out that there is a husband/bf trying to reconcile. Felt good to have a young (9 years younger than my wife) lady paying attention to me and saying nice words to you, but and A is an A and felt even better to acknowledge that I had the will power and decency to explain that this is wrong to the girl and actually contacted her husband/bf (he calls himself husband, she calls him b/f) with some advice. I didn't become the OM and that's great!

After the implementation of plan B, it's a waiting game. A game I am not good at. I want to fix things ASAP, troubleshoot. I did something and see no impact yet. This is very hard. I am learning to be patient. Everyone here helps me and I thank you very much for it. I will start to post in reply to other posts, as I feel that I have something to say, to comfort.

So long,

BigStar

Bumping this again for ark^^, Nick123, est, ForeverHers, MelodyLane and others who replied to my initial posts and helped me so much before. I would really appreciate your opinion. Please, tell me what you think.

Hi BigStar,

Sorry things are not going well for you, but I think its very promising that you and D are getting involved in some activities and building up your life together. Church is also a wonderful support system that you both need. Those are great developments.

As far as your W, I don't need to tell you that you messed up. As you know, you have pushed your W further into the arms of the OM and given her some fresh ammunition against you. Everytime you blow up at her, it gives her new justification for her shabby behavior. I think, though, that you have time on your side, because the fantasy of the affair will wear off eventually. Its important that she has someone to come home TO when that happens, hence the importance of no lovebusters.

The only advice I can think of is to be patient and to go out of your way to be as kind and civil to her as possible in future dealings. I know its hard, but in the meantime, you can work on building your life with your daughter.

Priviet -
I think you are doing quite fine, and I have to say I admire you for having found the courage to pull it all through like you are doing now (I'm still very much struggling and hopeless - update to follow one of these days). You clearly see from the reaction of your WW that she is p***ed off at you, and at the same time, that she can't really blame you anymore. That's why she tries to invent now confrontational situations, which give her the reasons and justifications ex-post for her behaviour. I think staying away from your wife is particularly useful whilst she is in a state of aggression. Keep it that way. The LB was absolutely understandable, but make sure that you are not sucked into playing her blame/aggression game. From your post I gather that things are pretty tough for you at the moment - understandably so! Hang in there, look at it as maybe the biggest test of your life.

Thanks Melody, thanks Nick,

I appreciate your feedback.

I know very well that I messed up, and I regret it. I tried to apologize, but all I got is - "You cannot be trusted." This comes right from the OM's mouth.
WW uses his expressions, when talking to me. I know because our English is not perfect and we use simple words to express ourselves. But ever since the OM entered our lives, she only expresses herself in English, uses new terms and her vocabulary has changed/improved. I guess this is a good thing, as she reaches new levels of proficiency. What I can't understand is that WW gave up on her mother tongue to talk to me. Talking about hiding from reality.

Another annoyance was that anything I do/say got scrutinized and every time the verdict was either "You're playing games.", when I did something good or "This is your true face." when I messed up. It is so frustrating, not being trusted and not being listened to, it hurts.

The saying goes: "Don't try to teach a pig sing, It frustrates you and irritates the pig." I was trying to teach the pig sing, but now I stopped.

That's why plan B is such a "relief". I stopped feeding their thirst for blame AND I stopped rationalizing her behavior. Although she seems to invent things on the fly to get right back in the game like Nick123 says, it is very difficult with no contact.
I am not proud of myself for what I did that night, bbeleive me, but I am very glad she stopped all attempts to contact me after. I acquired balance from plan B.

<strong>
Another annoyance was that anything I do/say got scrutinized and every time the verdict was either "You're playing games.", when I did something good or "This is your true face." when I messed up. It is so frustrating, not being trusted and not being listened to, it hurts.
</strong>

Been there, got the t-shirt. It's an attempt for her to make you fail, to get control over you, to justify her actions. just ignore it. I think you're doing amazingly well.

Very interesting what you say about her suddenly speaking English with you.... you know, I speak quite a few languages and I regularly observe that with the language comes a whole lot of baggage, behaviour, culture, etc etc. I guess what I am trying to say is when you speak another language, you automatically become a slightly different person. I mean, the underlying person is still the same of course, but the little nuances, jokes, how you behave etc are different in each culture. Now, for a foreigner trying to get this, is very very hard. I think your wife is trying to mimick some sort of cool western babe who is focused on having fun and being selfish. Am I right? Of course, this is just an 'interpretation' of hers how she ought to behave, based on a limited amound of data points, fuelled by OM. It's not her.

I would try to elaborate on what you said Nick.

You are right on the money when say that she is trying to look like a "western babe". I didn't realize it until I read your post. That's exactly how she portrays herself.

Where we came from, there was no milk and honey flowing in rivers. Abuse was an everyday occurrence. Looking back at how we lived, and what we had to endure makes me shiver. For her growing in such a world was very difficult. Needless to say, that when we emigrated (refugees), we felt inferior because of the baggage we had in our minds, we didn't speak a word of English. We behaved irrationally by any
standards. Luckily, this changed. In two years my wife was hired for a job in the field she was trained in. A big change from the odd jobs that we had to do. That first contract led her to be hired permanently about two and a half years ago.

We made quite a progress on the social scale. I don't feel isolated, or inferior anymore.But she was (maybe still is) looking for approval of her status as equal among peers. For a long time now, anything coming from back home irritated her immensely. I was not allowed to even mention the times we lived there, nor was I allowed to talk about anything happening there now, tell jokes that only we would understand, cook our foods. Of course I stopped when I saw that it irritates her.

In our conversations (before the A was in the open) she once said that she wants to find a man who would not know about her past, and would see her only as an exotic woman that she is. This alone gives me a reason to believe that she is still ashamed of her past and where she came from. OM is Canadian, born and raised here. Him by her side is the biggest proof that she IS accepted. I cannot compete with this. I have no credentials to do so. I am part of the world she is running from. She told me that if I disappear from her life, she won't have to think about the past anymore, that I am left behind in my development as a person and my continued interest in what is happening back home is the proof of that. It is very hard to stomach this kind of talk. I only justify it as "fog babble". I may be wrong though.

But if I am right, I can only imagine the hights she will have to fall from, when the A ends. It's very painful to even think of what she is going to feel like.

Thanks for reading all this,

Take care of yourself.

interesting. you got an email ads you can share?

radu@5united.com