Well I was posting at ENS, and well never seemed to get any where so I am hoping to get some help from here, from real adults.
I am in a bad sittuation and I am not sure if really walking away from it is the best idea.
See I had an affair with my friends husband, he and I were just friends and then became real close, and yes it was wrong of me, but it is over. Any how my husband has been gone for 4 months now and for the past 2 months this is when my emotions had changed. I am 8 months pregnant with our second child and I cant seem to figure out what it is i am going through. My husband no longer wants to be with me, or even try to work things out, I was wrong but is it really fare to me for him to just give up the 5 years we have had together?
I noe realize what I have and he is a caring guy, he has been there for me and does love me, and in the end this is how I treat him.We have our differences, he never seems to think he is wrong, or he always acts like he is better than me, and always shows off in front of his friends, walks away from every problem we have, and well I do not see that being a marriage.
I have made our marriage a bigger issue than it was to begin with, now what do I do to make it better?

First understand that his self esteem, ego, pride whatever you want to call it, has been beaten pretty severely by your A, and your pleas and cries are having the opposite desired effect. Be remorseful but not needy, because no matter who you are, BS or WS, a needy person always repels a spouse. If he tells you that he wants a divorce, consider telling him that you love him and wish that he would reconsider but if he truly wants a divorce then you will give him one. Why would you say that? Because if he is using the threat of divorce as a weapon to punish you for your A, then acknowledging that you'll give him a divorce, will call his bluff. If he truly has love in his heart for you, he will reconsider divorcing you. Especially if you give him the impression that you are emotionally strong enough to survive losing him.

My husband no longer wants to be with me, or even try to work things out, I was wrong but is it really fare to me for him to just give up the 5 years we have had together?

You will do best if you deal with realities instead of what you wish for. There are some harsh realities in your situation. They could be over come but I always find that the best way to do that is to face the harsh realities and then chip away at them. So please don’t take what I’m about to say as my being hard on you.. it’s just a look at reality.

Is it fair to you that he does has given up after 5 years? What is fair for you to give up on him and have an affair? Life is not fair so don’t even go down that road, it will only drive you nuts. The truth of the matter is that once a spouse has an affair it is up to the BS (betrayed spouse) to decide if they want to continue the affair. Infidelity is often an allowable reason for a divorce. Even religious law allows for the marriage to end due to infidelity.

What is not fair, even in this very unfair world, is that you have two children who now have a broken home. That is where you may want to put your efforts right now. And perhaps your husband will come to see that braking up his family is not helping anyone.

By the way, don’t know if I should ask this. But are you sure that your husband is the father of this child? The dates of your affair make it seem that paternity could be in question.

I noe realize what I have and he is a caring guy, he has been there for me and does love me, and in the end this is how I treat him.

Have you told your husband of this realization? Does he realize that 98% of all marriages recover from affairs?

We have our differences, he never seems to think he is wrong, or he always acts like he is better than me, and always shows off in front of his friends, walks away from every problem we have, and well I do not see that being a marriage. I have made our marriage a bigger issue than it was to begin with, now what do I do to make it better?

While you totally responsible for your decision to have an affair. You and your husband are both responsible for the poor state of your marriage when the affair started. You both had unmet EN’s. You both hurt each other to some degree even before the affair.
Have you read the MB books? If there is any way you could get him to read the book “Surviving an Affair” there is a chance that he might see the your marriage could be rebuilt if you worked together. Also read the books “His Needs, Her Needs” and “Love Busters”.

That is the place to start is to Plan A him. You will have to win him back and that is how you do it.

This must be very hard to be going through while you are pregnant.

<small>[ June 05, 2003, 07:17 PM: Message edited by: Eleonora ]</small>

Thank you for being honest.....
I would like to say that yes this child is my husbands, we got pregnant long before this affair had started, and so is the other child.
I guess I need to make it clear on when this affair started, which was last month and ended last month.....we were only together for 3 1/2 weeks, while he was trying to leave his wife, and told me I am better than her, and I am what he wants, when the whole time this was going on i was very confused on what was happening and what I wanted.
Now that it is over it has opened my eyes on what I did and every one that I hurt in the proses.....which is my friend, husband and children.......now I am the bad guy and all fingers are being pointed at just me.
I would like to say that my husband may not have had an affair but he has hurt me, if he would have listen to me to begin with then I am not sure I would have felt the way I felt...I do everything for this man.......take good care of our one son, the house, finacal needs, and

Sorry was not finished, do not know what happened.
So yes I also give him all that he wants. Alot has happened to me in the past....as far as being pushed around by other men, and sexual asult, not having a father around, and now that I am married and have a kid my dad is now in my life. So I think to myself am I the way I am because of men....but I want and need to change. My husband and I have had good times and I want to make it up to him all the hurt I have caused him, but I also do not want him to think that he is in the clear for the times he has not been there for me.
Yes I am reading a book called Love Busters, and well I actually considered getting the other book for my husband.... all I can do now is keep praying and hoping that we will get through this together, and I cant take back what I have done, only move forward and change my ways, and show my love towards him.
Well hope you all can help.

You must keep in mind that the natural tendency for a person that has been deeply hurt by a trusted spouse or friend (recently), is to lash out at the betrayer. They are in an extremely and emotionally driven mindset, and words of remorsefulness, will most often have either no effect or make the person more prone toward further lashing out.

You are right in pointing out that your H had not been meeting important EN's but chances are the same probably can be said of you. You remind me of another WS presently on the board with the username of remorsefulhusband (you might want to check out his thread). I recomend you read Lisa in London's reply to remorsefulhusband as well as trying2_4give's reply to remorsefulhusband for what they said to him can equally apply to you.

DB3120,

Aren't you the poster whose thread was deleted because you and the OM's wife (srswiger) got into a "posting" war with one another over the WS? It was R00-something if I remember correctly. It got quite dirty if I remember right.

You and the OM pretended to not know each other and posted in a very generic way to one another until the truth came out.

~~***Just giving a courtesy heads up to the people that might post to you, so that they know that your thread...his thread...and his wife's comments were considered suspect on the EN forum. Your thread and his thread were both removed. Things were less than honest on those threads. Vital pieces of information were being left out. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

committed

<small>[ May 02, 2003, 10:54 AM: Message edited by: committedandlovingit ]</small>

Yes that was me and the other group from ENs, and yes it did get very immature.
Well I now know what I want and know what it is that I need to do.
Also yes things, and might I say alot of what happened between me,OM, and his wife was not all told, there is alot missing out of what really went on, but I would like to say that I am moving forward and no longer want to dicuss them, what is done is dine and I want nothing to do with them.....I see it as if you are going to tell a story tell it all, not just the parts that are going to make you look better....and well I know I am the first to say I made a big mistake and have learned from it, and my husband and family mean more to me than having so called friends.
I did speak with mu husband this afternoon, and well he really confuses me....he now wants to give it a try, as long as before he gets home I am over the OM, and well I just have to say that I am glad he does want to work on it but what if his mind changes,do I really deserve a second chance....I am a good person, and I am working on getting myself better, and to start facing what it is that is wrong with me....I need attention and alot of it,I like things to go my way, not all the time but yes, and I would love to be pampered, also I want positive attention, and only from my husband......I know it will take time before we are both close again, but I do miss him, and want us to be a happy family...I do not want to be anything like my folks, I have alot of issues and just within my self, but it does not help when I am 8 months pregnant, taking care of a 16 1/2 month old boy all by myself, and having all these other problems to go along with it, and no one to hear what I need or talk to about why I am the way I am.....granted I brought this all on myself.
I never wanted my life to go down this road, and all I want in life is to be happy, and have every one around me happy......I am so tired of things being the way they are...it always seems to be negative crap...well hope that this will work from advice from you out there who do like to help others.
Thank you for listening. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Remember that perseverance, faith, work, and patience are essential in achieving anything worthwhile in life, including a happy marriage.

Well I am not sure but it just hit me.......why I did what I did to my husband is wrong,yes very wrong, and I am not sure if I can even look past how selfish I was, and the more I think about it is was like me and OM were looking to give eachother what our spouses couldnt, and to even have gone down that road makes me sick, to even think that I was friends with this guy and his wife and then one thing lead to another, how selfish of me.......I should have never got involved in the OMS needs and tryed to help him get past his wifes affair, nor should I have let him in my way......I can not even look at myself, this is so not the person I am, I made a fool of myself....well enough of the pitty party but it just bothers me that I am now realizing that I lead myself to believe that the OM could actually give me what I want, if I can learn to be paitent then my husband will come around in due time...... <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

DB,

I am glad your H is reconsidering working on the marriage. I thought I would comment on something you said earlier. </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My husband and I have had good times and I want to make it up to him all the hurt I have caused him, but I also do not want him to think that he is in the clear for the times he has not been there for me. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Resentment! There is a man who posted here a long time ago and is posting now. His signature line had the following quote.

Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die.

You appear to be caring a lot of resentment and it will kill your marriage. It clearly changed how your viewed your H and your marriage, and your family. You went looking else where and found... trouble, pain, and alot of other bad things.

Please do some reading about two aspects of the MB site if you read nothing else. The concept of "radical honesty" and the Policy of Joint Agreement, POJA. If you had used the POJA and been honest with your feelings WITHOUT the LB's, it is very likely you would have gotten what you needed from your H. Resentment comes from perceived injustices, and the interesting thing is that your H may not even be aware of them.

Sort of like the test women like to give men. They expect a certain behavior (flowers and dinner on a special occasion), but the don't tell their H's. He is supposed to know, so if he brings candy, he loses and has failed the test. That in turn leads to resentment (rightly or wrongly), which KILLS. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

So think about this, consider losing your resentment by talking with your H in a positive but productive manner. But, more than anything read about radical honesty and the POJA.

God Bless,

JL

<small>[ May 02, 2003, 06:13 PM: Message edited by: Just Learning ]</small>

JL....thank you for your comment, and yes I will do some reading on that.....I do hold alot of resentment, and I am not sure how I will over come it.
Last night I all I could do was think of my husband and all that I could have done for him. The thing is that confuses me the most is way before the affair with OM was that my husband and I were fighting every day......when I would ask him what it was that I could change or make better for him these were his words...."I do not want you to change, I love you the way you are, you do nothing to make me unhappy". So now what was he just affraid to tell me his true feelings, and also when ever we do have a disagreement he always seems to go the other way, never wants to talk about anything, is this his way of being macho?
He did say once that he just does not like to argue with me, he rather hold me and be okay......I think this is why our marriage is the way it is......he never wants to solve our problems....we always wait till our son is in bed and then that is when what ever happened that day it all comes out at once.....he works nights and he always likes to procrastinate, so then he just walks out the door and we stay mad at one another till it gets resolved....which could be days....weeks....I do not understand.
I love him, always have and always will and I want to grow old with him,I am affraid to lose him, I just want to be able to feel his touch again, I am very lonley.
Besides reading what else can I do to make things better and get past what I did?
<img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Besides reading what else can I do to make things better and get past what I did?

Please do not push the reading aside. We are suggesting books to you because those are the books that taught us what to do. They are the books that my husband and I used to save our marriage. The books teach.

Here is my suggested reading list is the order I think would help you the most. These are MB and Divorce Busting (DB) books. The two concepts are different but actually work together very well at least they did for me. MB gives the framework for building a very healthy and passionate marriage. DB gives very good ideas of what to do on a day to day basis.. it fleshes out the framework.

“Surviving an Affair”

Getting Through to the Man You Love

“His Needs, Her Needs”

“Love Busters”

Either “Divorce Busting” or “Divorce Recovery”

Also, read all of the material on this web site.

Most of these books are quick reads and you can start putting their concepts in place as you read them. It’s better that you get the information from professionals than from us. There is too much material and we are not professional counselors or marriage coaches. Then, once you’ve read them. We can discuss the concepts and how to make them work.

Now what to do starting TODAY? Read up on Plan A (there I go suggesting you read more) and start doing the best Plan A you can. The classic Plan A as described in the MB material is something the BS does, but the WS can do it too. While in Plan A the BS is negotiating for the WS to agree to give up the affair and work on the marriage, when the WS Plan A’s they are negotiating with the BS to give the marriage another chance.

Actually there is a similarity in your situation and mine. When I found out about my H’s affairs as far as I was concerned our marriage was over. I did not intended to stay with him.. But I did not leave right away for a few reasons: I was in shock and could not have done anything.. it made me ill (literally) for at least a month after d-day. The house we live in is my house, so he was the one who had to do the moving but he was traveling a lot and therefore not around to move out. So that gave us some time together. In the mean time I’d purchase “Surviving an Affair”. My H read it before I did. He started Plan A’ing me and won me back.

Some of the things he did besides the normal Plan A’ing. He made no excuses for his infidelity. On the day I discovered the affairs he ended them. He was wise enough to know that was step one (He was the BS in his previous marriage and so knew that was essential.) He told me he was the one who did it, it was not my fault in any way shape or form. I inflicted the hurt so it was his responsibility to help me heal. He has done all of the things MB suggests that a WS do to rebuild trust. I was impressed that he acted like a man, did not put the blame anywhere but where it belonged and the rolled up his sleeve and did what had to be done. I love him more today because, while the affairs showed a huge character flaw, he has shown that he learned from the mistake and is man enough to repair what he did.

Here is a description of Plan A

Well this is what my problem is..........I missed my husbands call today and now I am mad, why I am not sure, we have been talking every day and I e mail him, but never do we talk about what he wants to do.
I am confused on how hard I should make a change, to me it seems like he has this plan to leave me when he gets home, but over the phone he acts like he wants to be with me, and then later on the phone he acts a little different....is he playing mind games, does he want me to chase after him and put up a fight towards him telling him he can not leave?
I am not sure I understand him.
I have got to get some sleep, maybe I will feel different tomorrow, I have major issues.
Please some one help, I can not take much more. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

DB your H is going thru the notorious emotional rollercoaster and unfortunately it's part of the healing process. One moment he's fine and the next he's not. It's worse during the first few weeks and months after d-day but eventually it becomes less and less after the two of you start your recovery. Don't lose hope, if he truly wanted to leave you he'd probably be gone already.

I talked to my husband today and last night I had e-mailed him and told him how much I want to feel him again. He said today that it is going to take time which I do respect and will give him, but when ever I bring up sex, well he changes the subject, is it really going to be forever until we do get close again?
I am inlove with my husband and all I want is to make it up to him, I do not want to be pushed away. When I talk to him all I can think about is how I wish things could have been different, and staying here at his parents with all the pictures of us, and him, and the memories that I have when he did live at home when we were dating, it really gets me down, and he is so far away, I need him, and I am due in 4 weeks, I am not sure I can have this baby with out him, why do I feel so down?
I can not live with out him, I just want to beat myself up, how could I have been so selfish.....this is not the way I saw marriage.
I am going to just let time go by and do what I need to do and be here for my kids, they are number one in my life.
Plese just keep up dated with me...I feel alone.
Than you all for helping. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Was your A with the OM also a physical one (sex)?
I ask because, if that's the case, sex for your H MAY be a trigger or reminder of your betrayal. But don't lose hope because many women AND men eventually overcome this trigger, with TIME AND PATIENCE from their WS's. Don't lose hope.

<small>[ May 05, 2003, 09:19 PM: Message edited by: T00MuchCoffeeMan ]</small>

Good afternoon everyone......well not only am I having issues with my husband but with my family.....how much more can I take, and I know this is off subject but how do I enjoy my stay while I am here, my mom and sister are fighting and I want every one to be happy. Last night was the biggest mess.
Any how well there was sex involved with OM, and my husbands knows some details, so I know that when we do ever make love again he will picture OM. I am so over tired and can not seem to keep a straight head on, my husband has not called and our son is sick, and I had an appointment yesterday for myself, I do not get it.
I am slowly losing faith in every thing around me.
I am not sure I can take any more.......HELP!!!!!
<img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Sounds like you are emotionally fatigued.

Have you considered going to a doctor to have anti-depressants prescribed to you? Both BS and WS have been helped by their proper use, in dealing with the emotional ordeal that their A's bring to them.

Keep us posted.

<small>[ May 06, 2003, 12:48 PM: Message edited by: T00MuchCoffeeMan ]</small>

Well to answer your question.....yes I am on an anti-depresent, it does not seem to be doing much any more, and I was seeing a therapist back home, so now I need to do a transfer while I am out here visiting.
I still have heard no word from my husband or even a e-mail, it is like he wants me to be mad and chase him, should I? What all do I owe him... <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />
I need some sleep and something to help me accept myself, I want to throw up every time I look in the mirror......I do not even know who me is, and the sad thing is...is that when I am some where the OM comes to mind about all the things we did, and I wonder how things are going for him, and also I feel like the OM got back with his wife because I chose to be with my husband and had hope, why cant I get OM out of my head? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />
Why am I beating myself up.....I chose this path and now need to learn that you can not hurt the ones who love and care for you.....am I going to hell?
Thanks for all the help, just stay updated with me, and if you need to say something harsh to make me get the point then do so......maybe I need a big kick in the butt.
You all have been great...Thank you <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />