It's been two months since I found out about my H's A. The A had already ended 3 mos prior but in the 3 mos afterwards, H was never contributing to M or family so I asked for counseling. Counselor brought up His Needs Her Needs (this was back in March) and he was interested and said he wanted to do it. I was excited thinking that we did have a chance. The very next day, I found the e-mails that were never deleted from during the A. Explicit e-mails at that. Anyway, he said he left her because he realized he made a mistake and wanted our marriage to work (but hadn't been working on it at all prior to this). I told him he had a funny way of showing it. Anyway, he has NOT been to a counseling session since. He has NOT participated at all in the EN's. Filled out the questions w/me and we talked about it and that was it. He doesn't make time to talk to me, doesn't help out at all. He just gets up and goes to work and comes home (after we are all in bed) and watches a little TV and goes to bed. He has Fridays off and doesn't even ask me to take a day off to work on marriage or even just meet for lunch. Always uses the excuse of being tired. Uses the excuse of not hearing the alarm to get up for his 1pm counselor appt. when he wakes up to it every other day. He missed every appt. in the month of April. I read how all the other WS's who post here try so hard to win the BS back and my H isn't doing anything. I have no idea where to go from here. I am losing hope. At this point, I think if I could afford for us to live separately, I would ask for us to go ahead and separate. He has us in a financial mess (I actually make more than he does) and we need both our incomes together just to live paycheck to paycheck right now. This doesn't seem to bother him much.
How patient am I supposed to be? I cannot afford phone counseling w/Harley. I have been praying for guidance and now I am wondering if all these subtle hints from H (by not doing anything) are my signs of guidance that he just isn't interested in doing what it takes to make a marriage work.
I would appreciate input any of you can give!

Has your H gone to see your family doctor to see if he's depressed? From your brief description of his actions, it sounds to me as though that is the case. If he is diagnosed with depression, going on medication can help immensely (speaking from personal experience).

As for you, you cannot make your H do anything. You only have control over your own actions.

Here's an idea:

You say he has Fridays off, but doesn't invite you to take time off from work and do something with him. How about if YOU be the initiator of doing something?

Can you take next Friday off? If so, then you can plan to do something with your H. DO NOT SURPRISE HIM with this. It's still VERY early since your d-day, and surprises can inflict more hurt when the trust issues are still so sensitive (yes, even good surprises). It is Dr.Harley who suggests no surprises, b/c it's necessary to work on radical honesty, and surprises are "secrets".

It may not be that your H isn't interested in how to make things work in your M, it could just be that he really just doesn't know HOW to do it. Some guidance by you might be what's needed.

Karen

Karen,
He is bipolar and on medication. I went with him to his psychiatrist and told her I thought he was depressed even on the meds. She asked him if he was and he said no and that was that.
Yes, I have initiated -- TWICE. It ended up being a waste of two vacation days. He slept through both of them. He sleeps to avoid talking. He got up the first time and went to lunch but wouldn't really talk. The second time, he wouldn't get up at all so I just started washing clothes and cleaning up and then went to pick up the kids (waited until 3 pm I think it was for him to get up).
We are moving in two weeks (I have gone over and over in my mind whether or not we should move together). We are having to move into a place half the size because of all the money he has spent and the financial mess he has put us in. So we are moving into a 2 bedroom apartment with two kids. He hasn't helped with the packing at all.
He is not willing to admit that depression is an issue -- he says everything is because he works hard (this has been the excuse since we got married and I accepted it UNTIL he had the A because obviously he had time for that, didn't he? -- it lasted 3 months).
I just don't know what to do....

Karen,
He is bipolar and on medication. I went with him to his psychiatrist and told her I thought he was depressed even on the meds. She asked him if he was and he said no and that was that.
Yes, I have initiated -- TWICE. It ended up being a waste of two vacation days. He slept through both of them. He sleeps to avoid talking. He got up the first time and went to lunch but wouldn't really talk. The second time, he wouldn't get up at all so I just started washing clothes and cleaning up and then went to pick up the kids (waited until 3 pm I think it was for him to get up).
We are moving in two weeks (I have gone over and over in my mind whether or not we should move together). We are having to move into a place half the size because of all the money he has spent and the financial mess he has put us in. So we are moving into a 2 bedroom apartment with two kids. He hasn't helped with the packing at all.
He is not willing to admit that depression is an issue -- he says everything is because he works hard (this has been the excuse since we got married and I accepted it UNTIL he had the A because obviously he had time for that, didn't he? -- it lasted 3 months).
I just don't know what to do....