Hi all. 2long here (fka, Qfwfq).

I talked to my W on the phone a little while ago. She's having all kinds of things coming to a head at work this week, particularly today, that I told SC about on the phone a bit ago.
We had a very level-headed conversation about what is going on in her mind these days.
*Her "reactions" to me lately becoming more "distant" (even though most of what I say is just stating my feelings without LBing, there's certainly been some of that),
*her continued desire to talk to Rat Meat (she had just talked to him on the phone), her secrecy (albeit not as "serious" as SC's W's, she clearly has been secretive (she talked with RM about their R, but though she told me he invited her to live with him, the news made it clear this level of personal contact has been going on without interruption all along).
*my growth - I feel more at ease about this than any of my recent posts would seem to indicate.
*my love for her isn't enough to hold her, even though I made it abundantly clear.
*she said that she told our daughter that if we divorce, I'll probably remarry within six months or a year. My dad did that after my mom died, and that was what she was alluding to. I told her I'm not my dad, and she apologized for judging me based on his behavior.

She said last night that she needs to do things for herself for a change - I certainly agreed, but she didn't elaborate. Today, she clarified. She needs to decide whether she wants to move away, either to her research property or New Mexico (where RM lives), or someplace else to go back to graduate school. She insists that she will always have RM as a friend even if they're not together, but she also needs to decide whether to resume her R with him. I said that I respect her decisions as hers to make, but I don't agree with them. I told her that I will love her if she stays, if she leaves, or whether we stay M'd or not.

But I have lived now with this polygamous relationship, where I have not had the benefit... No, the beauty, of a monogamous commitment from her for the past 12 years while this EA/PA with RM has been ongoing. I have knowingly given her "time" since January 19, 2002, and have taken that time to learn and grow to be a much better man and husband than I ever was capable of being in my entire life prior to D-day. I literally have learned far more in the past 15 1/2 months than in all my previous 48+ years of life.

I am not willing to enable her fence-sitting any longer, and so I plan to tell her soon that I will file for a divorce.
I have no intention of dropping off the MB forum, as I hope to continue to grow, and certainly don't want to go into the next relationship (or a new one with my stbxw) as ill-prepared to make it the best it can be as I was this last time.

Thanks for the love and support. I expect to continue to need it for at least another 30 years or so.

-2long

I just sat for quite some time, don't know what to say.

I care.

SS

2Long,

I just sit here, instead of working on our favorite planet, and think. What to say? To you I really have nothing to offer. To your W, I would say: "You are really going to regret this selfishness." RM isn't the man you think he is, but I know it would fall on deaf ears.

2L, I am sorry it has come to this, and I hope that somehow this thing can change directions and come to a stop. But, only she can make the decision, and frankly her decisions have not taken you into consideration for some time, it seems. Not a good way to live.

2L, take care and hang in.

JL

SS, JL:

No, RM is not the man she thinks he is. I think her subconscious tells her that he's not worth it, which is why she's saying she needs to figure out what she's going to do on her own, not necessarily with him.

No, he's not the man she thinks he is. He's a "man" that will cheat on his W with a woman 11 years his senior and pine for someone that looks like Angelina Jolie and is 26 years old (11 years his junior), and TELL her that.

He's also a "man" who's been working on a PhD for over 10 years now. I would not predict he'll ever finish it.

Having said all that, I'm really not angry here. Well, maybe a little. More, I feel an overwhelming sense of pity for my W, and possibly some for RM as well.

I won't be miserable any longer.
-2long

I would like to hear some thoughts as to whether I should say anything to RM after I've told my W of my intentions.

-2long

2L,

No! Upon further consideration: No!

He isn't your concern. He may be your W's, but not yours. Your children are your concern. You W maybe your concern, but RM????? No.

JL

2long,

I am so so sorry, last month things seemed quite hopeful. Was it just last month you were in Houston? I am so sorry.

I was impressed by you in person as a man of integrity, honor, and commitment. Seriously, you seem to be very deserving of a loving, committed wife- what could she be thinking?

I am very sorry that things are rough at home. Is it really so bad? I haven't read the other thread, but it seems you are sure of continued contact with lies about it.... Why and How could she? I guess they are cake eaters.

I am sorry for you and your daughter, but you do have her, and you have yourself.

Be strong.... you can get through this. Yes, we do get to a point of the whole thing being unacceptable. My D day was over 19 months ago- I am still shocked, but I understand much more how I got here, and why. I too am grateful for my growth.

I know you will come out on top no matter what. However it works out it will be the best for you.

Hugs from Texas.

As for contacting Rm, if you decide to D the wife... I am not sure. I know I have spoken to ow on numerous occasion, and found it hard to carry on a conversation with a despicable human being who has no respect for marriage, family, honest values... etc.

Anyway, I am very tired from a long night last night and a hard week. I will read your other thread soon and ck in on you. Glad you have mb.

One thought- don't go too fast into filing.... give it every last try. I am seeing progress, with lots of patience and time, although my situation has it's own tricky turns. ??? Only we can know what we must do.

Hugs, Honey
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I just talked to my W on the phone (was on with SS, and had to hang up).

She was concerned how I'm doing, and I told her honestly that I'm not "fine" by any means, but I have come to the conclusion that I'm done with this. She asked me if she should come home, and I simply said that she should do what she wants to do. I think she was expecting me to throw her out, but I didn't. She also doesn't want to argue, and is afraid we will if she comes home. I meant I wouldn't argue when I said I'm done with this, but I also meant I'm done fighting to save our marriage.

I'm going to set up a cot or something in my workshop (garage) for now while we figure out what we'll do. I think she believes we should separate. I believe we should DV.

-2long.

2long

I've never posted to you, but have learned much from your posts to others. Thank you for being such a generous caring person here at MB, as I know you are in all areas of your life.

I feel the sense of deep sadness and loss that you feel coming out of your posts on this thread. You sound despondent, exhausted...in short, done. I would not be surprised if your WW finally notices this change in you, sees that her days with you are numbered and, at this late date, decides to get her act together.

But might it be too late? Tragic how some WS do not see the light before it's too late..your love is drying up fast no?

Take care of yourself very very well right now. DO not slip into a depression.

You don't know me, but I will be looking for signs that you are doing ok.

E

Eleanor:

Thanks for your kind words.

I love my W. I wish her well in whatever she decides to do. But I really have had enough of this nonsense. I will be glad to entertain saving our M if she promises NC, but that will have to be her choice entirely. I won't demand it.

She can ask me, of course, what I need to save our M. She has never asked me what I would need her to do, or even what I think we need as a couple, to save our M, because I don't think she wants our M. I would love to think that my W might be one of thse WSs that can swallow their pride, recognize their selfishness for what it is, and choose to stop a DV from happening. I don't plan to bring it up unless it comes up in convo tonight. But if it does, I'm prepared emotionally.

It really has been 2long.
-2long.

I'm not usually on much on weekends, but I'll check up on you a little bit.

There are a lot of people around here that care what happens to you.

SS

I care 2...don't think my thoughts mean much right now so I'll just cross my fingers and think good thoughts for you. Take care of yourself right now 2long.

2long,

Editing for moderation. This morning my post did not appear as supportive as it was intended to be.

I support your decision to act a little more agressively. You have been as loving and tolerable as any H or W could be.

Whatever you persue(your M or D), I wish you luck.

ba109

<small>[ May 03, 2003, 09:10 AM: Message edited by: ba109 ]</small>

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{2Long...}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

I wish there were something I could say.... <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

BB/BS-42
sbxH/WH-43
DS-18months
Status: Ditto <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

2long,

I am sorry that you are so sad. Take care of you the best you can right now- do things that make you feel better.

I am very sorry that your W is in fogland. A seperation, and even a loss of some of her marital benefits might be helpful under the circumstances. Consequences speak louder than words.

Hugs, Honey

2L;
Words cannot express...I really thought M would come through. I really did.
I'm sorry, my friend.

Here for you always.

Dear 2Long

I am so very sorry that you find yourself in this position after trying for so very long to work things through with your W.

DV is a horrible process, and I know this is not a decision that you have taken lightly. Of course it really is not possible to reconcile whilst RM is still on the scene - even if it is "as a friend" - gosh what nonsense is that?

Take care of yourself and your D, do things for you and her and let your W take whatever path she has to. If it leads her to RM, more fool her.

Wishing you well and thinking of you.

Lisa

P.S. No, I wouldn't contact RM either.

2L -

This is my first visit to MB in over a month, and I certainly didn't expect to read what I did in your post. So sorry to hear that your M is going in another direction right now.

Of all the MB'ers here, your situation most parallels mine in so many ways: long-term A, NC issues, etc. Your posts gave me hope on those days when I couldn't muster any on my own. If there's anything I can do to reciprocate, please let me know.

I really respect your integrity through all of this, your obvious love and devotion for your family, your loyalty that never faded even when mired in the swamp of betrayal. You're a good man, 2L, one that deserves to be happy and at peace. I'll keep you and your family in my prayers.

~Q~

Interesting ..... "she said that she told our daughter that if we divorce, I'll probably remarry within six months or a year." ..... FOG ..... this would justify her affair for 12 years.

Note to Q's wife ---> NICE TRY SWEETHEART. Homey don't buy it!

It is actually common for a recently widowed man, who was happily married for decades, to want to get re-married ASAP .... NOT because he did not love his wife, but because he DID! He loved his wife. He loved being married. He'd learned to love, and trust, and enjoy the company of a faithful wife by his side .... based on past experience.

This has Nutin' to do with a divorce situation.

I think she WANTS this to happen with you, so she can feel less guilt. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

I do disagree with you, however, on the cot in the garage idea. I say .... you STAY in the marital bed. You are not some dog who's being punished by sleeping in the garage.

STAY in your rightful place. If this makes her uncomfortable, then so be it. If this makes YOU uncomfortable, then work through it. Teach yourself to endure the uncomfortable closeness and to come out stronger, not weaker.

Even if you do end up divorcing, you will have to tolerate being together whenever the kids are having a ceremony, or some other big moment.

I guess you decided the slow leak was no longer endurable.

Take care buddy.

Pepper

Hello 2long,

I've read many of your posts and replies. I'm sorry for where you find yourself but it may be this very strength that helps you to recover your marriage and your WS's love.

I wish you well and pray that God gives you what you need to get through this tragic time.