I am currenlty having an A with a major, major coworker. I of course had no intentions and never thought I would ever do something like this. I met my husband when I was 15 and he was the only boy I dated and we got married. We have 2 great kids, I really do not want to hurt my kids and I don't want to hurt my husband either, I haven't felt guilty, just sad. This OM tells me he just wants to have fun as he is married also and has kids of his own. He does not want to meet me outside of work, we haven't exchanged phone numbers nor e-mail addresses. He won't tell me if he has feelings for me or not but the way he acts and looks at me I can tell that he does. I know I have feelings for him and I am trying not to. This is all new to me and yes he is just probably using me but I find myself not able to stop. I don't even know if I love my H, I care about him but I don't know if I love him. My H tells me if I ever have an A he will leave me and take my kids and he won't even want to hear an explanantion or anything. I am finally scared because I know what I have..... yet I can't seem to stop but I am having doubts about the A.....I can't quit my job because we need that income and right now jobs are very scarce and my H knows how much I love my job and if I quit he will find out.....Please does anyone have any advice

<small>[ May 04, 2003, 12:31 AM: Message edited by: s888 ]</small>

s888, first let me say im just learning here myself, and dont know a whole lot but i read what you had to say, and you sound like my h right now,he cant stop seeing ow. all i can do is tell you how it feels to b the bs, IT IS HELL!! it hurts, it hurts just to get through the day i wake up every morning thinking, i hope i can make it without crying, if it wasnt for my kids i dont think i would even bother!I HATE IT! i hate the fact that my kids are here wondering what they did wrong? i hate night times when they cry at bed time cause daddy is not here! and they are constantly asking is daddy going to come see us today!! and i hate that they will go through the rest of there lives thinking they werent important enough to there dad to stay, no matter what he tells them, they are always going to feel like he didnt love them enough to stay, and i will always feel like the last 16 yrs together meant nothing to him, that every thing weve been through every happy moment we had, everything,just dissapeared the minute he chose to leave us!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> sorry i just got carried away.i just think you really got to ask yourself,is this om, one man? worth the lives and future of you your h and your 2 kids?
if im wrong in my response, some one please tell me to shutup! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

I am sorry to hear of the problems you have gotten yourself into. But you have come to the right place.

Here’s some quick input (it’s bed time):

My H tells me if I ever have an A he will leave me and take my kids and he won't even want to hear an explanation or anything.

Most of us say that but are surprised to find out that when our spouse has an affair we decide to work give them another chance. I’m not down playing his threat, but there is hope. Also if you do not leave your children, you husband cannot take your children away from your. There are custody laws that protect the rights of both parents. Nothing you have said leads me to believe that you are a danger to your children. If you divorce you will most likely get 50% custody, that is the norm these days.

Even if you were a danger to your children he could not do anything. The courts allow adulterers, drug users, alcoholics, child abusers, and prostitutes to maintain joint custody of their children. I know because the only thing in that list that my husband’s ex-wife is not, is a prostitute and we cannot legally protect the children from her. (Not blowing smoke here.)

Has your husband ever been physically abusive of you? Is this a concern when he finds out about the affair? Most BS (betrayed spouses do eventually find out). MB (marriage builders) advises that the BS must tell their spouse of the affair as it’s an issue of radial honesty and a marriage cannot really heal until both spouses learn to be radically honest. It is also much better that he hears it from you and not a different source.

Do you think that if you end the affair, you will loose your job since OM (other man) is a ‘major, major coworker’? This could be a legal issue for you will need to deal with.

My advice is that before you do anything you read the book “Surviving an Affair” and all the material on this web site. You can find the book it in the bookstore of this site. Then, once your husband is aware of the affair, ask him to read it. It’s the road map to recovering your marriage.

If you want to recover your marriage you will have to end all contact with OM. You know that your husband will not tolerate an on going affair nor should he. It is the only chance you have of recovering your marriage and family. You say you cannot seem to stop the affair… stop and think for a moment of the harm you are visiting upon your husband and your children? Are the selfish pleasures you are getting from this affair really worth the pain you are causing?

I have been through a lot in my life but the most painful thing that has ever happened to me was my husband’s infidelity. It hurt me more than loosing my twins at birth did. Why? Because the stillbirths of my twins were an act of nature/God. No one could have stopped it. My husband’s affairs were a conscious act by the very person who had promised to love and protect me till death do us part. I was physically ill (nausea, vomiting, insomnia etc) and severely depressed for months after d-day ( the day I discovered his affairs). Now two years later, I am still not quite myself though mostly recovered. I’m telling you this to put an image in your mind. Our children have suffered in many ways from confusion about what was going on to being down right neglected by me at times because I could not function. I lost a promotion because I could not function properly at work for over year. Every time you see OM, see your husband and your children going through that level of pain. I’m hoping the image will help ruin your affair for you and make it easier to give it up.

And keep coming here for support. There are many where who have been in your shoes, and many more who have been in your husband’s shoes. The MB concepts have saved my marriage after I discovered his affairs. We’d not be together to day were it not for “Surviving an Affair” and this web site.

<small>[ June 05, 2003, 03:18 AM: Message edited by: Eleonora ]</small>