Can anyone suggest how to do no contact with my OW? We have been on and off for 1.5 years, we've broke up with no contact and returned a few times. But this time she is moving away, so I am more sure about ending it since technically it is already over. She already told me she wants to be friends, I am entertaining her for the moment, but I want my wife to know and be involved and for OW to know that my wife is the one that I love and the only one who deserves all of my love and more after what I have done. OW is still a threat now because as long as she is in the area and available, the sex is a strong attachment for both of us.

Originally posted by blah34:
Can anyone suggest how to do no contact with my OW?

Orchid: Send a No Contact letter written by you and reviewed by your W. Let OW know this is your decision.

We have been on and off for 1.5 years, we've broke up with no contact and returned a few times. But this time she is moving away, so I am more sure about ending it since technically it is already over.

Orchid: This is your resolve, not OWs. Whether she moves or not let this be your decision. U must end it and remove all doubt. The techincally not ending it because is it already ended excuse is baloney.

She already told me she wants to be friends,

Orchid: So? She also wants to rip your family apart.

I am entertaining her for the moment,

Orchid: What does this mean?

...but I want my wife to know and be involved and for OW to know that my wife is the one that I love and the only one who deserves all of my love and more after what I have done.

Orchid: This will be clarified in the no contact letter.

OW is still a threat now because as long as she is in the area and available, the sex is a strong attachment for both of us.

Orchid: This is one of the vulnerable and weak points in your shield right now. Knowledge of this is key to survival. Put a thought abou the OW in your mind that will help you repel her..... for example: OW has aids, she smells, she wants you on for your $$.....etc.

Right now from your prior posts, it appears more like you want to know how to hold onto both women. U really should be wondering if your W will really want you after all this mess. You don't sound ready for recovery yet.....why? Because you are not showing remorse more like you know better but...... Work on this point.

L.

<small>[ May 04, 2003, 03:36 AM: Message edited by: Orchid ]</small>

Blahm

24 hours ago you were complaining she wouldn't return your calls. It sounds to me like she's "playing" you like a fiddle.

If you truly do not want to continue in this charade, tell your W about it! You and your W should write a NC letter. She will help you maintain NC.

You wrote:
<strong> the sex is a strong attachment for both of us.</strong>

The truth of the matter is she is using the strong allure of the illicit sex to keep you coming back!!

I repeat: She's playing you my friend.

Break it off now before you end up losing your home and family AND ow.

BYW, after reading your first post, I got the strong suspicion that ow keeps a lot of stuff hidden from you. For instance, didn't you say you don't know where she lives? Did it ever occur to you that she's M'd, and doesn't want her little secret to come out to her H?

Where's the future with someone so secretive? This is all about sex, that's all. This ow is smart. She keeps it infrequent enough to keep it "interesting." If this became a daily, "normal" relationship, it would lose all excitement.

Trust the wise ones on this panel. They are giving you good advice.

Send the NC letter. It will hurt you, but will be so liberating.

Someone wrote 'it seems as if you want to hang on to both women'....I think this was true for me. I liked what both men offered me. Now that I'm concentrating just on my marriage, I'm finding that my husband is changing and filling in the 'gaps' that the OM filled for me. It is happening gradually....and I'm having to do lots of initiating, but it is worth it.

I made my decision to stay with my husband, and thought I could remain 'friends' with the other man. Reading this message board has helped my realize that is not fair to my husband, myself, and the OM either. Her wanting to remain friends with you is probably a way to hang on to you by a thread. I think that is why I wanted to remain a friend with the OM. I didn't want to totally give him up. It is hard to cut off contact with someone I cared about.

So, send it...you might feel sad but you will feel RELIEVED! And then make sure you start letting your wife know what is important to you, while trying to show her how much you love her! Diane

Blah,
I've been posting here since last September. I'm still hanging around here for support . I came here to MB far too late in the whole mess I made with my life. My exHusband wants nothing to do with me. To think that I left a good marriage for an affair with a serial cheater is a horrible burden to bear. You're going to be in the same position if you don't snap out of it! There's an irony in life. I started the A due to my self-proclaimed loneliness, and now I'm more alone than ever. You're going to be in the same boat, if you don't simply stay away from OW.

Again, as I told you yesterday, you need to first of all acknowledge how LUCKY you are to have a woman who forgives you-- your wife! Write the letter to the OW, share it with your wife, and mail it. If she calls you, hang up. If you need to, change your number. (I had to hang up on OM a few times--after a four year A. He'd been my only emotional support for years.) I'm not prone to dramatics, but when I ended it with OM I remember falling on my knees and praying to the good Lord for strength. I also foolishly thought that my exHusband would forgive me. He didn't. Nonetheless, I feel better for doing my best to make my life a life of dignity, again.

You mentioned on your other thread that you're a recovering alchoholic. Please return to the meetings. GO daily if need be!!! Isn't there a concept in AA that people have to hit rock bottom before they decide they need to quit drinking. Perhaps in this situation with your wife and OW, you haven't hit rock bottom, so you are still sitting on the fence. The problem is that in the situation of infidelity, it doesn't work quite the same as in alcoholism. That is to say, I didn't end it with OM until I hit 'rock bottom'. By then, it was too late to save my marriage. With affairs you have a spouse who's involved in the whole mess. With drinking, YOU alone can determine when you can get help and mend things. With an affair, you'll need your spouse's support to rebuild your marriage. You STILL HAVE HER SUPPORT. You may not have it, in a month, let's say--if you choose to hit 'rock bottom' in this mess. Your wife will be gone, the OW will be with a new conquest-and you'll be alone. Just my take on it...

Send that letter. Wait, you have no address where to send it, right? If not, make the call in front of your wife- hang up--and then if she calls back hang up on her. IF need be, change your number.
These people give up surprisingly easily. Trust me. There's always fresh conquests around the corner.

Take care,
H_P