I read one of the posts about KISA- I also read that you were doing well in recovery.

How? What changes happened in your marriage?

My spouse is the king of Knight in shining armor- to the point of neglecting me.

AND if I dare say anything negative about any of the "damsels" he goes into the protective mode.

Even tells the children, I know your mother doesn't like (a woman's name) but she (and then goes on to list the good qualities)

AAAAGHHHHHH <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

He's always been this way- I have never liked it BUT that was before his A. Now, I cannot tolerate it at all.

It boils down to the issue of trust. I have none. He is constantly "eyeballing" other females, he's a people watcher granted. But....

Please let me know how in the world you were able to resolve this "personality trait"

I responded some on your other thread.. have a nice hot bath waiting for me right now... so I'll respond further after I'm done.

Well, I am very happy that you seem to be married to a man who is actually "trying" to get things right.

I can't say anything about my husband's behavior without it causing a huge fight.

You see, I am wrong, he is doing nothing wrong. This is who he is, he can't change who he is. These women mean nothing to him.

He's always pulling crap like this- for example I have a neighbor who is notorious for "taking advantage" of my good intentions. She is now having to work late evenings and needs help with her two sons. I made it a point- deliberate- NOT to say "don't worry about it, I am right next door if they need anything" (I am not a mean person, just tired of being taken advantage of) What does old [censored] do (husband) well he tells her that anytime she needs to leave the kids not to worry Cause we're home. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

I wish there were a book on appropriate relationships with members of the opposite sex without getting your dingalings cut off by a fed up wife. Know what I mean?

Thanks for the reply, I guess we have far too many problems for it to ever begin to work. Sad thing is- he thinks he is doing so much <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Here’s my take on it.

Since your husband is so out spoken about the women he tries to be a KISA for , I think he’s using them to needle you. Why else would he be telling your children such things?

Keep in mind that these are not necessarily wonderful women. If they were they would not be taking the time of a married man. But it’s a game some women play and many men fall into. Your husband likes being a KISA because he gets a lot of benefits from it.. Admiration is no small part of it.

I am lucky in many ways because my H has listened when I explained how it all works. He was amazed at how easy it was for him to get all those women when all he did was talk to them and be a friend. I explained that a woman will always fall for a man who listens to a woman and gives her support, especially when he always agree that she is right and wonderful. It is much more seductive then any lounge lizard come on. He unwittingly seduced them by being a shoulder for them to cry on. It took a while but he eventually understood what I was telling him. Now he can see it coming a mile a way when a woman starts to play up to him that way.

One thing is that before I married my husband I made sure he was the type of guy who would actually listen and talk about stuff like this. Have been through too much with a hardheaded ex-husband who would not listen to me.

What I seen in your situation, is that you need to take a very good look at his KISA tendencies. They are screaming something at you that you are not listening to. Admiration is one of your husband’s greatest needs.. it may be #1. This is the case for just about every man who is a KISA. Remember Plan A? The idea is to meet his needs as much as you can so that he will start to come around.

Here is what I did. I pay a lot of attention to your husband. I complement him on everything. I thank him for everything he does. These are not bad habits to have anyway, they help to build a strong marriage.

A very good exercise is to stop and take some time to see the world through your husband’s eyes. His point of view has some validity too. Women have a terrible habit of assuming they are always right and their husbands are just clewless dumb a$$es. This is just not so.

If he says some woman is wonderful, agree with him.. maybe a simple nod (you don’t have to go overboard). Then change the subject to him and how wonderful he is. The more you try to show him that he is wrong, the more he will stonewall you. So don’t even go down that road.

You are stuck in a very negative frame of mind. I’m not saying I blame you, it does not sound like he is giving you much to work with. But one of you has to stop the ‘dance’ that is going on. You are more in tune and you are the one here, so I assume it’ll have to be you.

I also assume that you have read the MB books. Does not sound like your husband is the type to read the books and do the work. So you will have to come from a different angle. You know that you want to follow the MB road map but will have to lead the way without him knowing right now that you are taking things that way. To accomplish this I suggest that you read the books (in this order) ”Getting Through to the Man You Love” and then “Divorce Recovery”

<small>[ June 05, 2003, 03:16 AM: Message edited by: Eleonora ]</small>