I would like to get your advice on whether/how to approach my husband on taking on family responsibilities. By way of background, we have now been separated one year. I am in Plan A. There is no sign of either reconciliation or divorce in the near future. For the entire separation, I have been taking care of dropping off and picking up children at childcare/school every day (two kids at separate places), household responsibilities, taking our son to soccer practice and games, all doctor’s appointments, all school activities, PTA and teacher meetings, homework, arranging for childcare when I have to travel (he doesn’t take them), and full custody of our baby (now one year old), all while working full time at a very responsible job. He takes our son for one day every two weeks and does not take any responsibilities aside from that, although he does give me a modest support check every month. He does show up at soccer games and practices when it’s convenient for him and sometimes takes our son during the week to do fun things. If he's by the house, he'll help out with little projects, but I don't ask him to do them.<P>He has been having an affair for more than a year and I think his ability to avoid any family responsibilities is helping to keep the fantasy alive. I am considering talking to him, in a non-lovebusting manner, about helping out some. I am periodically resentful about having to shoulder everything when I am the abandoned one, but for the most part I’ve got things handled, so my motivation isn’t primarily about managing the work. I sometimes get tired of the run-around, but for the most part it's OK. I do not lovebust. So my motivation towards making a change is primarily about what is “right” and also to see if I can accelerate the “reality” of what life is likely to be like in divorce.<P>A second issue has to do with the amount of support he’s providing. When we initially talked, I agreed to a small amount thinking this was a short-term deal. He’s giving me $1,300 a month for two kids. Daycare alone runs $1200 (infant care is $800 alone). In reviewing childcare law and running calculations from the support calculator (at 95% custody), he should be paying me around $2,000 per month.<P>It seems like both of these issues could be rude awakenings to the fantasy. But I’m afraid to bring them up and as I said before, I’m managing OK under the current arrangement. Should I or shouldn’t I tackle these subjects and if so, how should I do it? <BR>

Distressed-<BR>We're not separated or divorced, but wanted to add my 2 cents.<P>If you are legally entitled to more money, I suggest your go for it. He won't like it, but if its the law.....<P>The additional funds may help you to "purchase" some household services to lighten your load. For example, if you pay someone to clean, you have more time for homework, etc. If he is doing so little now, I don't anticipate that he will be enthusiastic about taking on more. You should certainly ask him, but you may be disappointed.<P>Good Luck!

Tell him he can either PAY more or DO more.<P>(or does it even work that way?)<P>

Distressed -- This is my take on this subject. It may not be worth squat, but what the heck.<P>First a little history. . . When my W left me, she took our daughter and filed a restraining order against me. I was only ALLOWED to see our daughter 4 hours a week, 70 miles from my home. At one point my W sent a letter, through her sister, to me telling me that she wanted child support. This was never done through court or her attorney, it was just something she wanted me to do. I did nothing about any type of support. We are now back together and everything seems to be going along very well.<P>So what was my point? Simple, in my case I did not have the options that your H has. He is not being restrained from seeing the children in anyway. He is making the decision not to be involved.<P>In my opinion, if that is how he wants to do things, then I don't think you have any alternative but to ask for, through a court order if necessary, EVERYTHING that you are entitled to. If you are doing OK financially now, then use that extra money to take yourself and the kids out somewhere special. It really doesn't matter what you do with it. Your H is responsible for those children just as much as you. If he won't "help" you, then force the issue.<P>Just my opinion.<P>God Bless

I appreciate these responses. It seems like the consensus is I should talk to him about giving/doing more, but to keep my expectations low. Yes Maya, I don't expect enthusiastic agreement, as POJA would dictate.<P>One of my frustrations in dealing with my husband during this affair has been his unwillingness to negotiate. I refer to it as conflict avoidance negotiating, or the no-response response. Specifically, whenever I bring up a subject that needs to be addressed, his responses are reasonably predictable. I get one of the following: 1) false agreement, with no intention to follow-through, 2) "I'll think about it", never to be mentioned again, or 3) "I don't like that suggestion", with no alternatives offered. He's negotiating by not negotiating, a very effective strategy if you don't care about the long-term relationship. He gets his way every time by giving me nothing to work with.<P>I mention this because I think there's no way I can get him into a POJA type of discussion on how to deal with this problem. He'll just use one of the avoidance techniques I've listed. I really DREAD bringing up these topics because they seem like such losers to me. Since I don't need the money and I'm managing OK, my inclination is to just live with it, even though I know it's not right and is no basis for a marriage. I often feel my best bet is to wait for the affair to die out and see if I can deal with him effectively then.<P>Still, I feel like such a wimp sometimes. Ugh. I guess I'll have to think about this some more.

Distressed,<BR>Gee, did our H's learn the "no-response response" from the same manual? My H has "negotiated" like that for a long time, even before the affair, while every once in awhile adding 4) going along with what I wanted, and then adding it to his resentment list. The "no-response response" is also a great technique to use if you want to drive your spouse nuts, especially if she is not a conflict avoider.

I agree with Empty Shell....get a Court order and get what you are entitled to. The kids are his responsibility too and it sounds like he has it too easy....

You all convinced me that I need to do this. He is coming by tonight to talk about these issues. I sent him a message about a week ago so he knows the topics. He didn't seem to be avoiding this at all and got back right away with a quick date.<P>So, now the tough part. How to deal with these very difficult issues without lovebusting. I know I can control the anger and demands, but it will be difficult to bring up such personal and sensitive topics, like the parenting style used for the kids, without implied criticalness of his behavior.<P>I have prioritized my issues. By far the most important is his becoming an active parent for both children. Second most important is paying me the correct amount of support. The least important is helping me with domestic (food, clothes, baths), child transportation (childcare, athletics, birthdays, friends), and financial management responsibilities (I still do all the taxes, insurance, investing, etc.).<P>So, my current plan is to approach him with a "what's in the best interest of the kids" discussion.<P>I'm sure I'm not the first to deal with this problem, so please let me know what you think would work well. Thanks for the help.