Ok, I admit it. I screwed up. While on a business trip, I had a one night stand with a co worker. I can't believe I did it. I am disgusted with myself, and it makes me sick to think about it.

But it happened. Now, I need some advice. Should I tell my wife. I have been reading marriage builders and looking at this forum, so I know what is generally said. But, in my case I think it would only hurt my wife, for no reason. By that I mean, I have read here that most affairs are caused by something being wrong with the marriage, or you would not have had the affair. In my situation, that is not the case. I am married to a wonderful woman who meets my needs in every way. Basically I was just too immature and a little bit drunk and got carried away during a party after a business conference. It will not happen again and I think to tell my wife about it would only cause unneeded pain, since there is nothing I would want her to work on.

So what should I do? I feel like telling her would only serve to alleviate my guilt, and would serve no purpose from her point of view other than to hurt her.

Thanks,
RTC

RTC,

With all due respect, you are really the last person who is qualified to determine what is in her best interest. She already is hurt, but she just doesn't know it yet. Continuing to lie to her about it won't alleviate that. She has a right to know what is going on in her own marriage and to whom she is married. Lying is not the solution to adultery, honesty is.

It's not that she needs to know so *SHE* can work on anything, she needs to know so she can protect herself from you and so that she can insist that YOU take steps to correct your problem that led to this. That is, if she chooses to continue the marriage.

Here is what Harley advises:

“From my perspective, honesty is part of the solution to infidelity, and so I'll take honesty for whatever reason, even if it's to relieve a feeling of guilt and depression. The revelation of an affair is very hard on an unsuspecting spouse, of course, but at the same time, it's the first step toward marital reconciliation.

Most unfaithful spouses know that their affair is one of the most heartless acts they could ever inflict on their spouse. So one of their reasons to be dishonest is to protect their spouse from emotional pain. "Why add insult to injury," they reason. "What I did was wrong, but why put my spouse through needless pain by revealing this thoughtless act?" As is the case with bank robbers and murderers, unfaithful spouses don't think they will ever be discovered, and so they don't expect their unfaithfulness to hurt their spouse.

But I am one of the very few that advocate the revelation of affairs at all costs, even when the wayward spouse has no feelings of guilt or depression to overcome. I believe that honesty is so essential to the success of marriage, that hiding past infidelity makes a marriage dishonest, preventing emotional closeness and intimacy.

It isn't honesty that causes the pain, it's the affair. Honesty is simply revealing truth to the victim. Those who advocate dishonesty regarding infidelity assume that the truth will cause such irreparable harm, that it's in the best interest of a victimized spouse to go through life with the illusion of fidelity.

It's patronizing to think that a spouse cannot bear to hear the truth. Anyone who assumes that their spouse cannot handle truth is being incredibly disrespectful, manipulative and in the final analysis, dangerous. How little you must think of your spouse when you try to protect him or her from the truth.

It's not only patronizing, but it's also false to assume that your spouse cannot bear to hear the truth. Illusions do not make us happy, they cause us to wander through life, bumping into barriers that are invisible to us because of the illusion that is created. Truth, on the other hand, reveals those barriers, and sheds light on them so that we can see well enough to overcome them. The unsuspecting spouse of an unfaithful husband or wife wonders why their marriage is not more fulfilling and more intimate. Knowledge of an affair would make it clear why all efforts have failed.

After revealing an affair, your spouse will no longer trust you. But lack of trust does not ruin a marriage, it's the lack of care and protection that ruins marriages. Your spouse should not trust you, and the sooner your spouse realizes it, the better.

The Policy of Radical Honesty is one of two rules you must follow to protect your spouse from your self-centered behavior, which includes affairs. The other rule is the Policy of Joint Agreement (never do anything without an enthusiastic agreement between you and your spouse). If you were to be completely honest with you spouse, and you were to follow the Policy of Joint Agreement, an affair would be impossible, unless for some reason your spouse wanted you to have one.

If you knew that your affair would be discovered -- that right after having sex with your co-worker, your spouse were to find out about it -- you would probably not go through with it. And if you were honest enough with your spouse so that YOU would be the one to tell him or her what you did, your honesty would be a huge reason to avoid any affair.

How the victimized spouse should respond to the revelation of an affair is a subject of a later column. I do not have the space to treat it here. But a spouse is twice victimized when he or she is lied to about an affair. Truth is far easier to handle than lies.”

P.S. And I wonder if you could explain something to me. How will it alleviate your guilt to notify your wife of your act? I don't understand that. Do you quit feeling guilty for your wrong acts just because you tell the victim?

For me, I think I would not only continue to feel guilty, but I would feel MORE guilty once I saw the devastation of my victim.

Can someone explain the logic behind that thinking to me?

<small>[ May 05, 2003, 07:48 AM: Message edited by: MelodyLane ]</small>

It is good that you are thinking about it in this way. If you tell her just to alleviate guilt, it won't come across as well. You should get it through to her about how you value your life together and that there is no one else that you love. Is that true? You need to straighten out your values. What are values? When I went to college, we did study it to a minor degree. Values are important in all of our interactions. They need to be delineated and defined. The values need to be declared somehow publicly, by what you say and what you do. It helps to know and state what they are so that you can protect them. When you value your wife and others know that and it is not just a show, there won't be mistakes like you just made. We are just human and we too often just want what we should not, especially when you are drinking alcohol.

Loose morals are in our face. We hide the truth from ourselves and need to confess. We hide that we delight in evil desires. The act of hiding enables us to repeat the evil. And it is insidious because you can make yourself believe that it is ok. You can make yourself believe that you deserved that chance of having an affair.

Pray, learn, stop drinking, give her honesty, love honestly and help yourself to help her. To tell will be hard, but to tell her is to show her that you need to work on things and you need to change some of how you do things. Respect this woman you say you love by being forthright with her.

If you don't you will prolong the inevitable. More than likely things will show that you did wrong. If you tell her up front, you can start healing sooner. Not easy, right? So, since when was life easy and clean and perfect all of the time. Read and get advice. Stop drinking. Never associate with the woman you had sex with again. Think of her as a stupid cow that you boinked under the influence of doping alcohol.

You can get a lot of support here, get a counselor, and dig in. I pray that you will do this because she deserves the truth. If she truly loves you, do you doubt that?, she will learn along as well.

stay in touch here ...!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by MelodyLane:
<strong>P.S. And I wonder if you could explain something to me. How will it alleviate your guilt to notify your wife of your act? I don't understand that. Do you quit feeling guilty for your wrong acts just because you tell the victim?

For me, I think I would not only continue to feel guilty, but I would feel MORE guilty once I saw the devastation of my victim.

Can someone explain the logic behind that thinking to me?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">MelodyLand,
I once read something from a WS which I think applies to what you are asking. This WS said that telling their spouse will not relieve the guilt of having betrayed the BS, but would only relieve the guilt of continuing to live a lie.

RTC,
you wrote:
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It will not happen again and I think to tell my wife about it would only cause unneeded pain, since there is nothing I would want her to work on.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">How do you know you will not do it again. Especially if you get away with it this time. As a BS, I can tell you, it would have been a lot easier if my WW had told me herself. It would have been a first step toward rebuilding trust. To no tell the BS shows an incredible lack of respect for them. She may not want to be with someone who would cheat. But shouldn't that be her decision to make....not yours?
Michael

I completely understand your dilemma. You see,
I am a former WS. I made the choice to tell my H of the A, after MUCH deliberation. Now 3 months after D-day, I can honestly tell you that I made the right choice.

I strongly urge you to follow the advice given here. It's the best possible route you could take. I could have gotten away with keeping my 'secret' forever, but I know that in doing so, I would not have the closeness with my H that I do today. If you choose not to tell her, there will always be an invisible wall between you. You will be hiding a part of you from her. You'll be choosing FOR her instead of allowing her the opportunity to know, recover and forgive.
"Patronizing" said it all.

You made a mistake. Coming clean and delivering that pain will be the hardest thing you've ever had to do. But, as in my case, my H sees and appreciates the amount of courage that it took
and that helped his healing. (and mine)

I'm not saying the road ahead of you will be easy, but the alternative is to never be known completely by your wife....and in my opinion *that* is the greatest burdon of all to have to carry.

Good luck and keep us posted. You have come to a wonderful place for support.

breeney3

Another disadvantage of not telling is that the factors that may have made you vulnerable to a ONS are still going to be there. For example, IF one of your most important EN(emotional needs) is SF(sexual fullfilment) and your W(wife) is still not meeting it, how is she going to know its importance in your life? or IF one of her top five EN's is affection and you haven't been meeting it, are you going to risk waiting to find out if and when she has an A(affair) of her own?

Don't fall under the false beleif that many WS(wayward spouses) do in thinking that your spouse is incapable of having an A. More than half of the BS(betrayed spouses) DO end up having an A of their own a few years down the road. Unless you are a philanderer who willfully and knowingly goes out of his/her way to engage in sex with others, the vast majority of WS do not start out looking for an A, but end up in one because they put themselves in dangerous situations (i.e. a secret friendship with a member of the opposite sex who serves as confidant for the WS). If the WS has unfullfiled EN's, the OP(other person) starts to fullfil those EN's and before long, an A is in full swing.

You have been given great advise by BS and WS alike. I suggest you take it.

Alright, I am pretty much convinced. I worry about how much this will hurt her, but I guess it is the right thing to do.

But how do I do it? Do I just come right out and tell her? Do I preface it with "I love you"? Any thing I could say seems so hollow in light of what I have to tell her.

Should I talk to a councelor first? Or my minister?
RTC

Alright, I am pretty much convinced. I worry about how much this will hurt her (I know, probably a bit late to worry about that), but I guess it is the right thing to do.

But how do I do it? Do I just come right out and tell her? Do I preface it with "I love you"? Any thing I could say seems so hollow in light of what I have to tell her.

Should I talk to a councelor first? Or my minister?
RTC

What is in your heart? Did you read all the things about what everyone wrote here? Write out stuff and sort it out. Do not defend just stick with facts, you were drunk and messed up big time.

You do need a counselor. Your wife will be distraught, and maybe you may want to talk to counselor with your wife. Insurance covers this many times. It is a big health problem in families. Immunity is built with a ton of work. And infinite love.

Tell the problems you have and the insurance co. can plug the issues in to her computer and find you some choices. Make your appointment with your wife if you can.

If you want to help the situation more get into the questionnaires here with her. You have new things to learn and she will too.

RTC, I would tell her alone. This isn't rocket science. Just tell her the truth and be as compassionate and truthful as possible. Answer ALL OF HER QUESTIONS, no matter how painful. That will help you get through this quicker. If you withhold, this will drag out, I promise you.

Just be prepared to deal with numerous questions and lots of hurt feelings. She will want to know what your feelings are for this woman because her #1 fear is the emotional attachment. She will also need to be reassured that she is very desirable and lovable.

And I want to commend you for caring enough to do the right thing. Character does not mean being perfect all the time, but rather is determined in how your handle your screw ups afterwards. It is not an easy thing to do, but having the courage to do what is right, rather than what is easy, is what seperates the men from the boys.

When you are done, please send her to us and we can help her deal with this. Take care and keep your chin up, RTC.

Well said, MelodyLane

Dear RTC- Yes, be completely honest. In my situation as a WS, when I told my H, I unfortunately made it sound like a one time thing, when in fact the A lasted a few years. I did this to soften the blow. Telling him everything seemed incomprehensible. (WRONG!) A few days later he asked me point blank if there was more. It was then that I put the guard down and confessed it all. It was the right thing to do but it was like I not only punched him hard in the gut once...but TWICE.

However, I do feel that some information (explicit details of the sex) may scar her and form lasting images in her mind...so you need to handle your disclosure of these facts delicately.
In the case of my H, he asked what he wanted/needed to know and didn't ask what he couldn't handle hearing. We were open about it and I respected his choice to not KNOW every little detail. (After all, what purpose does that serve?)

I can tell u this, it will not be easy and I say this to prepare you. With every answer to every question, it was as tho I was delivering blows...repeatedly...lashing away at his raw and bleeding heart with my honest answers. BUT it was necessary for our recovery and we wouldn't have the closeness we do today had I not been so brutally truthful.

MB has a section on disclosing an A to a spouse. It could offer you more insight. You may want to read it before you tell her.

I will add that in your case, I gather that you were not emotionally close to the OW and feelings of love and attachment weren't a factor. I could be wrong but I think that fact will help your W in her recovery. Best of luck.
Breeney

In addition to the reading here, I suggest buying and reading "The State of Affairs", by Mulliken. Most of Harley's stuff appears to be based on the assumption that unmet emotional needs cause affairs, i.e. that affairs are symptoms of bad marriages where emotional needs are not being met as they should.

However, unmet EN's do not cause affairs, they cause lousy marriages. If you read Harley thoroughly and carefully, he does not say unmet EN's cause affairs, either, though it is a so common a misconception among his readers that I would say he should do some re-writing of his material. Reading SAA, it can be easy to conclude that unmet needs are the reason for affairs. Not so. Affairs are entirely the responsibility of those involved, and the reasons vary.

Our MC worked w/ Bill Harley for 8 years, and one of his biggest dis-agreements w/ Bill was on this very issue, because according to him, in about 40% of men's affairs unmet EN's had very little to do with it. Yes, there were usually unmet EN's in their marriages, because no marriage is perfect. But, having the wife find out about and meet his most important EN's did not stop the affairs from re-kindling or stop the husband from having another. Harley is aware of this, which is why his plan for recovery is a lot more complicated than: 1.) Take the EN questionaire. 2.) Meet your husbands EN's. Our MC said that in his opinion, for that 40%, if the wife had been meeting the husband's top 5 EN's PERFECTLY, the husband still would have had the affair. If you want to learn more, read "The State of Affairs", particularly the chapter on "The Double Life Man".

That said, checking on the state of your marriage through Harley's emotional needs questionnaire may be very helpful to you. We learned a lot in taking it, both about ourselves and about each other.

This is not going to be easy for your wife (or for you either). After you tell her and she has calmed down a bit, bring her over to the computer, click on the link in my signature line, and read it together.

One more piece of advice. My wife told me out of the blue. I did not ask. Beyond the fact that she told me without me asking, that she did so in complete humility, without making any excuses for herself, was a very powerful, positive force in our recovery. I suggest you take a similar approach.

As much as I dont want to do it, you all have convinced me. I will tell her. I'll be honest and direct, but I don't think I will volunteer anything more than the fact that I have an affair. If she asks more, though, I will not lie.
RTC

Should you answer all of her questions or just the ones you feel like answering. I think that it is best to not drag your feet on any one thing she asked because you have to gain trust back one minute at a time. She will sense you are hiding more.
She will ask you more questions. Like why, and how and when and if you did it before,...and about the OW.
Give her total respect and come out with it.

Have you looked at a list of counselors yet? You need to do this.

Best of Luck and may God be with you and your wife. wflower

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by johnh39:
In addition to the reading here, I suggest buying and reading "The State of Affairs", by Mulliken. Most of Harley's stuff appears to be based on the assumption that unmet emotional needs cause affairs, i.e. that affairs are symptoms of bad marriages where emotional needs are not being met as they should.

However, unmet EN's do not cause affairs, they cause lousy marriages. If you read Harley thoroughly and carefully, he does not say unmet EN's cause affairs, either, though it is a so common a misconception among his readers that I would say he should do some re-writing of his material. Reading SAA, it can be easy to conclude that unmet needs are the reason for affairs. Not so. Affairs are entirely the responsibility of those involved, and the reasons vary.

Our MC worked w/ Bill Harley for 8 years, and one of his biggest dis-agreements w/ Bill was on this very issue, because according to him, in about 40% of men's affairs unmet EN's had very little to do with it. Yes, there were usually unmet EN's in their marriages, because no marriage is perfect. But, having the wife find out about and meet his most important EN's did not stop the affairs from re-kindling or stop the husband from having another. Harley is aware of this, which is why his plan for recovery is a lot more complicated than: 1.) Take the EN questionaire. 2.) Meet your husbands EN's. Our MC said that in his opinion, for that 40%, if the wife had been meeting the husband's top 5 EN's PERFECTLY, the husband still would have had the affair. If you want to learn more, read "The State of Affairs", particularly the chapter on "The Double Life Man".</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Frankly I doubt very much that most married couples even know what an EN is, much less what their spouses top 5 EN's are OR how to even meet them. So this assertion by your MC appears (on the surface anyway) to be flawed. Those of us that are aware of the existence and importance of EN's, represent a very small percentage of the married population.

Here's a quote from Dr Harley from the Q&A section titled Coping with Infidelity: Part 1 How Do Affairs Begin?[/b]:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">"[b]Affairs usually begin with an attraction to someone you know fairly well, someone you spend time with each week."

"Affairs are almost always with friends and co-workers. That's because the people you work with and those you spend leisure time with are usually in the best position to meet your most important emotional needs. But in the world of the internet, total strangers can also meet your emotional needs through chat rooms and e-mail because they meet your need for conversation so effectively. Do you and your spouse talk as much and as deeply as you talk to people on the internet? If not, watch out. As you probably know, an affair through the internet is becoming one of the most dangerous risks of owning a computer."

"It's almost impossible to stumble into an affair if you follow the Rule of Honesty."</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Attraction to someone that time is spent with and Dishonesty to the BS about what is happening. These two are the principal ingredients that could probably also explain the paradox of why so many WS that have claimed they are (or were) happily married, fell into affairs in the first place.

<small>[ May 06, 2003, 12:41 PM: Message edited by: T00MuchCoffeeMan ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by RTCCT:
<strong>As much as I dont want to do it, you all have convinced me. I will tell her. I'll be honest and direct, but I don't think I will volunteer anything more than the fact that I have an affair. If she asks more, though, I will not lie.
RTC</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">RTC, the best plan is to answer her questions OPENLY and HONESTLY. Please don't hold anything back because you think she can't handle it. If she can't handle it, she probably won't ask. Even so, let *HER* decide what she can or can't handle and just take the hit and answer her questions. It won't be easy but it will be much easier than what will happen if you withhold. If you withhold, she will sense it and the questions will be ENDLESS until she drags it all out of you. You will both die a death of a thousand cuts if the information dribbles out that way. Your recovery will happen much sooner if you take the bloody blow NOW. That way, you can commence recovery and start the process of moving on.