i was snooping in his car yesterday, i remembered he had some things that ow had given him, so i wanted to throw them out!! while i was looking for them i found he has already gone to the court and got the papers to file for divorce!!! i never tought it would get this far! i cant believe he actually has them!! im thinking mabeys hes just waiting till he has the money to file? or he still tring to decide? he keeps saying that ow has nothing to do with the reason he left,and he cant blame it on a unhappy marriage, because we had a good one! and no im not just in denial. do i believe him when he says its not ow? if i have no reason for him doing this it makes it so much harder to understand? what do i do? this is the third week hes been gone, and it seems he gets a little farther away each day, he doesnt come around as much,but when we do see him he seems more misserable each time, and our friends are telling me he keeps calling around looking for someone to talk to, anyone because he is so lonely! what do i do? still stay with plan a or do i try that divorce buster stuff? i dont want a divorce! and i know he is not thinking clearly, hes not even the same man, and i know he will b making the biggest mistake,and he will b sorry for the rest of his life! WHAT DO I DO?? SOME ONE PLEASE HELP ME?? PLEASE??? <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Malcswife,
I wish there was something I could say to help you out of this desperate feeling, but I can't.
I feel the same way, it's a helpless, hopeless feeling!
Let's both just try to calm down, even if he files, it doesn't have to mean final! Alot can happen in the meantime, I see it in the posts here everyday!
It's early for you, it may take some time, but for now I'd stick with Plan A.
It's not easy...I just lashed out this weekend, couldn't contain it any longer. But I'm trying to get back on the Plan A wagon!
My Wh just called me at work...says "I HATE you!, how can I believe that! Should I believe it? I'm with you, how can they change so much?
It's hard, I'm here, others are here, hang in there OK?

and i know he is not thinking clearly, hes not even the same man, and i know he will b making the biggest mistake,and he will b sorry for the rest of his life! WHAT DO I DO?? SOME ONE PLEASE HELP ME?? PLEASE???

This is the answer. HE is not happy. HE is making a mistake. HE will be sorry. It is hard if not damn near impossible to show or tell him these things. He will have to come to these realizations himself. He is hurting...let him hurt.

You can let him know that you love him and you are willing to work on the M. That you will be here/there for him for as long as you can.

God Bless

im so glad someone answered,i hate the fact that someone else is out there hurting as much as i do,i didnt say anything him about d papers and im not going to, when i do talk to him i try not to say to much,and i know even if we do d he will never really let me go,he cant.he thinks if we divorce then everthing will magicly get better that all his guilt and pain he is causing will go away!we will always b a part of each other,we have kids! i just hope he wakes up before it is too late!i know the kids and i will b ok, eventually. but for him things will neverget better, hes just going to keep falling. right? i never gave him the letter, do you think i still should? its weird cause i thought he was starting to see the new me and then i found the d papers, now i dont know what to think? thanks for the help, i feel a little better <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Ask your H out for coffee. (Do not go to a bar)

Go somewhere nice, but not overly crowded.

Once you have been served .....

Inquire: "Husband, how are you doing (pause for effect) inside?" .... look him straight in the eye. Keep your facial and voice expression neutral.

If he says ,"I'm fine.", ask him , "What does fine FEELS like?"

Let him talk. Keep eye contact with him. Smile. Nod.

No heavy talk from you.

For this meeting, you are simply interested in HIS well-being. For this conversation, you are NOT there to work on the M.

.... itty-bitty-baby-step.

This is like giving him a taste of something nice .... but not filling him up. Leave him before he has the chance to say "I've got to go."

YOU say "I've got to go. This was fun. Thanks." .... and leave smiling!

Let him "taste" you, but don't give him his fill.

Baby steps.

Pep <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

The plan B is to protect your love for him from going away by keeping you from witnessing th A and hurting you more. Only you know where you are at in that regards.

Divorcing with this much anger and hurt between the two of you will make it difficult to be friends. It wont make things better but if that is what he wants then you can't stop it. Walking away and leaving a mess behind like this is his choice.

I pray he wakes up too. It seem you are already awake.

God Bless

pepper, i like that idea, but he will not go anywhere with me unless we have the kids,he says we are just best friends,i did show up at his work with lunch,and then left, told him i made some for my grandma too. ow is a co worker. he said if he divorces me he still wants me in his life,ill always b his best friend, cant see his life without me in it. wich is very confusing for me,why dont he want to b married to me? he doesnt see how much this is ruining our friendship that weve had for over 18 years,on one hand i wanna b his friend just to b in ow face, but then again why should i he doesnt want me, so why should i b his friend just because he wants it? why should i have to settle for less than what i want?

OK ..... so TAKE THE KIDS!

Ask the same questions.

Smile.

Eye contact.

Leave before he wants the date to end.

Does he ever take the kids without you????

pepper, yes he takes the kids without me,for the past two weeks he had them here i would spend the night with my mom. but this week i told him im not going to my moms anymore, if he needs somewhere to sleep he can sleep here,but he would sleep in the kids room. this week he didnt stay overnight, and this week he actually asked me to go with them to the drive in. i thought it was progress? he didnt want to leave he spend a hour here before he actually got up to leave. i really feel like he wants to b here, buti dont know why he cant bring himself to do it.

Wow! D papers huh! I'm sorry! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

One day at a time! Be nice, Be cordial and start working on yourself. Start doing things you like and keep yourself busy.

Remember they've gotta figure things out for themselves nothing we do is going to bring them back sooner. The only thing you can do at this point is be his friend even if you want to hate him, don't.

Patience!