First post but have been reading for quite a while. In a misguided attempt to protect my WW's reputation I have basically sat on my hands waiting for her to bring the relationship to an end. She is a teammate in a bar league that meets once a week and had a EA/PA with one of the members. That was 16 months ago. Wife is 41 other man 30. My reasoning had always been that this guy is a player and is not at all interested in my wife, just another married woman that he can say he had. So I really don't see him as the pursuer my wife would like me to believe. But from my wife's side I feel she continues to fantasize which hurts me deeply. While I am in the guys company from time to time I have bitten my lip to, again keep this from making front page news as everybody knows everybody etc.

This was a mistake by me that has allowed the one sided EA to continue. I have come to the conclusion that I have to go to the guy involved and tell him what I know and then tell my wife that I told him. I know the guy will feel like crap for all of 2 minutes and then move on. But my wife will be devasted that I ended her fantasy that she describes as only a friendship.

I know what I have to do but I want to be prepared for my wifes reaction. So anybody who has had their balloon broken may have some insight.

Hi Walking,

Sorry to read of your predicament, it's a tough one. I found myself in the same position before my d-day last November. You are a patient man, to say the least. Sounds like you (and WW) have some major FOG issues to cope with.

I often wonder why one spouse has no compunction about ripping the other's heart out, and at the same time, the rip-e is worried about the other's reputation. Confront you must, but how? You can do it quietly with just WW and tell her to Plan A, WW and OM, or if that doesn't work, expose the A to the group and let reputations fall where they may- WW and OM are obviously not concerned about them. Why should your WW have it both ways, while you suffer in silence?

You owe it to yourself, WW, your M and any children involved to get this out on the table and DEAL with it, IMHO. You can't get the elephant out of the livingroom if you don't acknowledge that it's there, if you get my meaning. You need to work on yourself and your M, and work together to do the very best you can to reconstruct, from scratch if you have to, the M you both want. This site will help you so much, I hope you and WW will avail yourself of its many benefits and wisdom.

If WW doesn't want to work things out, then she needs to accept responsibility and go her own way in the world, and let you find your path to happiness without her manipulation.

Please keep us posted on your progress. Best wishes for the recovery of WW and your M.

Blessings!

Is the EA ongoing? That is, does contact continue outside of the group, and how often does she see him with everyone else there?

Or has she quit the group and is she trying for NC?

SS

It is ironic that you are worried about your wife's reaction to being exposed as a adultress. Somehow it suggests that she may punish you in some way or leave you. The fact that you waited so long to blow the whistle suggests that you have a fear of your wife leaving you if you upset her love life. Better to accept being treated like a wimp than to take a stand and suffer the consequences. Don't you think your wife is aware that you are a conflict avoider and that you probably know about her affair. She is counting on your fear to allow things to go on as they are. My advice, if you intend to tell the OM and the wife, is to make sure that all your assets are protected with the help of a good lawyer. In fact, close any joint saving and credit card accounts just in case she decides to empty the accounts out of malice. She needs to see you not as a doormat but as a man who will not accept being treated in a disrespect way.

EJosef some very good points. The indifference to my feelings does amaze me at times. But I am very aware of how difficult this is for her. She still sees the OM once a week for this bar league. Yes I have shown tremendous patience but I can see that it is now taking a toll. But in fairness if I ever told the other man this was an EA he would fall on the floor laughing. My wife is 42 this month and his girlfriend is 26 and gorgeous. I am certain he gets nothing from this relationship and wouldn't even come to her funeral. Conversely if something happened to him she would be dispondant for months. I know that withdrawal is ahead and I am prepared to handle that stage. So I suppose this is a unique situation and I hope I'm posting in the right area. So if anyone ever wondered if there is such a thing as a onesided EA I can assure you their most certainly is. It's a question of bursting this balloon as opposed to the air slowly running out of it. I'm just tired of waiting for what is inevitable.

So to answer Tomaz, there is no need for a lawyer or any protection as this relationship peaked 16 months ago. I hold the key to this fantasy because I have not said anything to OM. Again, trailer park hope, sells pot and boasts 10 married woman now. This is simply what he does and moves on.

Finally we have 3 kids ages 16, 14, 10. My wife has on a occasion brought the entire team to our home including OM. I have been OK playing the fool in front of him in order to now punish her for this mistake. I have seen Jen Brown's story for many months and I think it is inexcusable the way her husband punishes her. So if I am a doormat I am very proud of my handling of this situation. We've all made mistakes (no I've never cheated). Married 18 years.

Good luck.

One question though. I wasn't sure what you are planning to do or how you planned to accomplish your goal of clearing the fog. I guess not really a question - just an expression of a desire for understanding.

I do think your goal is good, but I wasn't sure how talking to OM was going to help.

est, thanks for reply. I feel very sure that this will add tremendous weight to this fantasy. Once I tell this guy I know what happened I'm sure he wouldn't even look in wife's direction again. It's just not that important to him. So while it ends the fog it means that I've ended it and I had always hoped that she would end it. Just as I've read here you can't force the situation to end it has to be her choice. But putting the light of day on it certainly will rush it along. My concern is that I've waited this long and I through all that away by finally blowing it up. I am concerned about resentment. Will she leave? of course not. My goal is to open discussions, talk about EN etc. She offered SF today and I declined suggesting a huge need for Affection. She doesn't get it because her need for Recreation, Admiration, Conversation are all met by this OM and then SF at home. I've never verbalized this to her but that's how it is now working from where I sit. Here's a key omission; she calls this guy on cell phone on a fairly regular basis (4 times a week). Always brief just to confirm he's coming out for the league or something like that. Telling him I know would reduce the number of calls to 0.

Tomaz, you make a great point that when you say she need to see me as a man who won,t put up with
this as opposed to a doormat.

I see now. You seem pretty sure that OM will back off even though it doesn't seem like he would do the right thing for the sake of your marriage.

Do you feel the publicity of a "friendship" will be enough motiviation for him? I've often heard the excuse "she won't stop calling me" as a justification to change nothing.

Est, my wife means nothing to this guy. He is in the bar 5 nights a week. He doesn't need any trouble and would walk away. There is absolutely nothing here for him. I'm only concerned about my wife's withdrawal when he does go. In other words I had been intent on letting it die naturally when he leaves the team or the team breaks up and re-assembles somewhere else. That's typically how this works; players come and go and he is used to that. But to my wife it will be a big difference whether it ends naturally or I end it. That is my only concern, I have grown tired of waiting for it to end and I'm trying to gage the what the reaction will be if I'm the one who burst the bubble. Understand?
There really is no longer any affair, it's more an very disheartening fantasy in her mind.

As you know betrayed spouses become amazing detectives. So when I hear my wife signing along to a song like the Sweetest Thing on the radio I know exactly what she is thinking and though she'll deny it, it kills me and I have told her so. Her feelings are her feelings and what can I do? She is more careful as a result of all my complaining but with alcohol things that hurt still rise to the surface. Hope this further clarifies this problem. It may be miniscule compared to what others currently face.

I do not see how talking to OM is the key to ending the affair. Why haven't you told your W you won't tolerate her behavior? Making the OM disappear might work for a while, but what happens when OM#2 comes into the picture?

IMHO, setting boundaries for yourself and W is what is necessary here. If you think it is ok for her to call an opposite sex friend 4x a week, she is wide open for an EA at least. Why not discuss with her what is an appropriate friend and what is not appropriate? She is the key to ending the affair because she is the one pursuing it.

julia-hula you hit the nail on the head. I can make a huge issue over the phone calls and I would be right. But I cannot have her phone turned off or it would only force her underground.
But I see from your signature you have been down this road "only a friend". Telling the other man will put tremendous weight on this friendship. He will be a nervous wreck that I would go to his 26 year old girlfriend.

I guess the biggest thing I have gotten caught up in on this board is that it has to be the WS who ends the A. You can shine light of day on it but in the end it is her decision. Yes, I can set boundaries but what if they are ignored? I can accept or move on. Neither option is acceptable so I am delicately trying to navigate this difficult terrain. Married 18 years w/ 3 beautiful children, gorgeous home, own business. From the outside we have it all but she must be missing something and I haven't been able to identify what it could possibly be.

I know the weight of this situation is taking a toll on my wife. She goes to her MD on an almost weekly basis. Has been prescribed Zanex for anxiety along with numerous other medications for various ailments from IBS to TMJ. But recently the MD sent her to a Therapist. This has me very, very encouraged and is looooong overdue. Maybe I'm a conflict avoider but it doesn't seem as clearcut as it may appear to outsiders.

I understand your point that if you make trouble for OM he would walk away. I just wasn't sure what kind of trouble you would make for OM. That's mostly what I was wondering about. Some folks may not care that OM and your W had a relationship and even if they did, it's just "harmless" phone calls from her now. It's ok, you certainly don't need to spend the effort to clarify this for me. I do agree that it will make OM feel uncomfortable to be confronted.

It's hard to get a good handle on how your W may react. There has been much that your W has said or reacts that would give us a good guage as to how she'd react.

Anyway, good luck and let us know how she reacts, ok?

<small>[ May 07, 2003, 02:34 PM: Message edited by: est ]</small>

Est, last night was league night. Wife comes home early and I ask why. Tell's me who was there and OM's girlfriend was there. I said "oh that's why you're home early". She get's pissed off and tries to change the subject. After a brief argument I said I'm going to bed. She is drinking and it will only digress so I end it. Today she brings me coffee in bed knowing she was wrong. But she can never apologize, not in her vocabulary but shows it in other ways like the coffee. We don't talk much this morning and she knows I a pissed about last night. So I guess I'm textbook conflict avoider. Saw her this afternoon and asked how she's doing. She told me she's been depressed and I mention I'm not doing very well either. She tell's me she knows. This is somewhat encouraging because I know she can sense the toll this is taking on me and how patient I have been. I don't want to tell her to quit the league, I want it to be her decision. But I am willing to wait for that to happen I just don't want be in OM company and continue playing the fool. Without me involved in this mostly couples leauge the pressure will mount.

On Friday I told her there is more to a marriage than SF. She thinks as long as she's available to me for that everything else is fine. So now I have shown very little interest in SF. It has come somewhat naturally as I'm starting to resent things and that's why I feel like I'm getting to a fork in the road.

To answer your question as to how she will react.
What choice does she have? She can scream foul to me but she can't complain to anyone else because she doesn't want to face the truth of the PA. So it will be her and I dealing with this alone. Yes, of course we are married and that's the way it should be, but I wish she had a GF or some confident who could be honest with her. I hope she confides in her new therapist who I'm sure would give her a little glimpse into the pain I'm in and then maybe she could realize the damage she's doing. FOG is the operative word and I can really understand and empathize with people in the grasp of A. It's not at all what either one of us would have thought. I mentioned to her that affairs are the gifts that keep giving
(something I found on this board) and she responded affirmatively.

Walking-

It sounds like you've got a good idea of the dynamics of this affair but you've also made quite a few assumptions, and I'd be careful of being too sure about what's going to happen next. IMO, you should put a wrench in this relationship of hers ASAP as nothing good can come out of it. Good luck to you......