gotta question for you all. seems like almost all the people on here that have a ws are willing to give them a chance even 2nd chances. the ea was done immediatley when she found out along with massage parlor.ive made my self available when ever she wants. i have tried to introduce to this sire even printed out some material.she thinks mc is a waste of time and already "knows" they are a waste.she wants to move on she says. she has said at times she wanted to work on it but only we both were cyring togther. she said that she gets that way because she emotionaly attatched and thats why we must seperate.i keep telling her that she can do what ever she wants but im not giving up!! she says just accept it and move on . i know shes hurt and angry but i just cant believe that she wants to just move on.

Keep in mind that this site has many BS willing to forgive and give second chances and try rebuild marriages with their FWS because this is a marriage building site. I too was very frustrated when I came here and saw so many BS fighting for their marriages and willing to take their FWS back.

I've since learned that everyone's different, and just because lots of people on this site are able to try to forgive their WS and try to work on repairing their M together, including going for MC, it doesn't mean that my H will magically behave like them.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> i keep telling her that she can do what ever she wants but im not giving up!! she says just accept it and move on . i know shes hurt and angry but i just cant believe that she wants to just move on. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Substitute some "he's" for your "she's" here, and it is like I am talking about my H last June shortly after d-day.

I too ended my misbehaviour but fast, but my H still wanted to be separated, still wanted me out of the house, still yelled at me that he didn't love me any more and to accept it and move on. Since then things have only changed somewhat, with him saying there's a chance he may still want to get back together, but I still haven't been able to persuade my H to do so. Part of the problem is him shutting me out of his life for the most part.

It seems like some people just are predispositioned to cutting their losses and moving on when they get hurt, rather than being able to take a blow to their pride and go the route of forgiveness.

So try not to fall into the faulty belief that your W (or my H) will ever be like so many of the forgiving BS here at MB. The fact that this is a marriage building site tends to attract people who are forgiving and want to work on rebuildig their marriages.

I wish I could suggest something else for you to do to persuade your W to change her mind, and give you another chance, but I can't really. Just keep out of the massage parlours, remain accountable for your whereabouts, and hopefully she'll notice the changes and eventually come around. But also don't get your expectations too high.

My heart goes out to you because I've pretty much been right where you are.

Take care,

Jen

thanks jen i appreciate the response. sounds like we are in the same boat with the exception i have a 5yr old daughter.which has made it worse. guess ill move out and see what happens.

I don't know if moving out is the best idea though. If I could go back and suck it up and live at home so I could plan A my butt off, I would. Once couples live apart, the chances of reconcilliation decrease from there. And having a darling little girl at home....I don't know how you can leave.

I moved out b/c my H told me he wanted me out, and I thought I'd be happier living away from someone who was so intent on telling me they didn't love me and who avoided me at all costs except for sex. I thought absence would make the heart grow fonder. It apparently hasn't worked. Only three weeks to go until one of us can file for Dv.

Has she said anything about wanting to move out herself? What are the plans for custody of your D if one of you moves out?

Jen

well jen i wish it was a matter of suckin it up. she wants me out. she said again last night. isaid no and i wasnt giving up. i later said i would so it would be less stress on my daughter. yes she said friday night that she was going to move out and in with gf sunday;she changed mind.she says she will file for custody and there isnt a court or judge out there that would grant me custody.so yes i m lookin for a place. we are going to do a mutual seperation. i dont why she finally agreed to that except for an easier way to get me out of the house

Remorse how long since discovery?

To be honest I don't think most betrayed spouses are prepared to handle the enormous issue of an affair immediately upon discovery.

They haven't thought anything through and are acting on raw emotion.

We are at step 1 when we first find out.

In contrast the wayward spouse has thought about the whole thing since they lived it. So they are way ahead of in the process of leaving an affair behind.

Think about it. You worked through the steps that led up to the affair. You worked what it took to keep the affair going. You certainly considered ending the affair if you did not already. And finally while you may have not thought it thru enough you at least subconciously knew there would be consequences should the affair be found out.

So expect her to be behind the curve in all of this.

Now as to whether one spouse can forgive another that is a deeply personal choice but Jen is right most of BS's here are looking for ways to at least understand what wrong if not actually looking ways to fix what went wrong.

Now on divorce forums obviously you are going to see a much greater percentage of spouses who would or could not forgive their wayward spouse.

STUNNED IT WILL BE A MONTH ON THURSDAY.I HAVE NO IDEA IF THIS CONSIDERED SHORT TIME, LONG TIME OR AVERAGE TIME.SOME SAY LEAVE AND SOME SAY STAY. IM SO CONFUSED!!????

Rem,

U R confused because there is anger. Your W is very angry at you for your actions. Justified? Probably. Only you can prove how you will be going forward. Right now she does not trust you, do you blame her?

Now the question to you is how long are you willing to prove yourself to restore her trust in you and retain your value to your family?

The father - daughter relationship must be maintained regardless if the M does or not. It may be restrained a bit if there is a separation or D but it can still be maintained.

As for her anger? It could last as long as the A or even double the time. Recovery generally is within the amount of time of the A so don't expect any open arms right now. What your W does not realize is that you 2 are in a much better position if you are sincere about the recovery. However when this happens the BS' anger then takes center stage.

So if she is angry at you, then let her have her space. You can still be a loving parent and H from a distance. Others will wonder why she is acting so angry at you if you are truly repenant and show it. Then she may try to make you look bad but you will have to suck it up because in reality that is what you were doing to her.

I understand this is hard but this is also a standard part of recovery.

Hope this experience will be remembered and not repeated.

take care,
L.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Jen Brown:
<strong>

It seems like some people just are predispositioned to cutting their losses and moving on when they get hurt, rather than being able to take a blow to their pride and go the route of forgiveness.

So try not to fall into the faulty belief that your W (or my H) will ever be like so many of the forgiving BS here at MB. The fact that this is a marriage building site tends to attract people who are forgiving and want to work on rebuildig their marriages.

Jen</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think that one can be forgiving, but choose not to continue the marriage. The two things are not mutually exclusive. For me, I was willing to forgive but just had no interest in continuing my marriage.

Frankly, I was completely turned off and repulsed by my H when I found out about his affair. My love for him was very connected to respect and I just no longer felt either anymore. Sure, he was sorry and I was willing to forgive, but that didn't mean he was someone I was interested in being married to. I, too, just wanted to move on but ended up staying and falling in love with him again after alot of work. However, I only stayed so I could say that I could say "tried" before I gave him the bum's rush. And here I still am!

<small>[ May 06, 2003, 09:59 PM: Message edited by: MelodyLane ]</small>

THANKS FOR MORE INSIGHT.THIS HAS REALLY HEPLED. I KNOW I CAN PROVE MYSELF TO HER IF GIVEN THE CHANCE. AS FOR NOW ILL MOVE OUT AND GIVE HER SOME SPACE AND SEE WHAT HAPPENS.ILL WORK ON US BUT IF ITS NOT MEANT TO BE ANY MORE THEN ILL HAVE TO MOVE ON AS SHE INTENDS.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> STUNNED IT WILL BE A MONTH ON THURSDAY.I HAVE NO IDEA IF THIS CONSIDERED SHORT TIME, LONG TIME OR AVERAGE TIME.SOME SAY LEAVE AND SOME SAY STAY. IM SO CONFUSED!!???? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Man that is a nano-second in the recovery period.

For that matter you are also too emotional to go out and make a decision to stay or go.

No matter what decision either of you make giving it some more time can only help. If you stay together then it was a positive. If you don't at least the decision will be made under calmer conditions which is also better since it is not a rash decision made under intense emotional conditions.

Give some time at least 90 days to see if there is improvement. NOTE I didn't say recovery only IMPROVEMENT. Most experts say 2 years and that seems to be the time most of us are going by. So give it three months to see if things are going better before rushing any decision on your part. And ask your spouse to do the same.

Expect a rollercoaster of emotions. Don't be shocked if she seems alright one minute and enraged the next.

If you truly love your spouse and do indeed want things to work out then you will buckle up and weather the rollercoaster ride.

OK STUNNED I WANT TO STAY BUT.... WHEN SHE AND I DISCUSSED THE OTHER NIGHT SHE WANTED TO PUT HOUSE UP FOR SALE AND PROCEED WITH LEGAL SEPERATION. AT THIS POINT I AM SUPPOSE TO MOVE OUT ONCE I FIND A PLACE FOR A 3 MONTH TRIAL (?) SEPERATION. WE HAVE ALREADY CLOSED JOINT CHECKING ACCOUNT PER HER WISHES.IF I STAND THE GROUND MOST PEOPLE ARE SAYING -STAY THERE DONT LEAVE IF SHE WANTS TOO SHE CAN-I FEEL SHE WILL WALK AND THERE IS VERY LITTLE HOPE, IF I LEAVE THERE MIGHT A CHANCE BECAUSE SHE WILL HAVE TO TAKE CARE OF HOUSE BY HERSELF AND WORRY MORE ABOUT THE BILLS. OK NOW WHAT DO YOU THINK

Remorsefulhusband, don't beleive anything until you see proof in the form of separation papers being filed by her and served to you.

Talking about the marriage being over and actually taking the steps to make it so, are two very different things.

If your W does decide to take the legal actions to end the marriage, it is she that will carry the knowledge of having given up on the marriage and the burden of possibly explaining to your daughter why she never even tried to reconcile.

Everyone gave good advice, not much to add excpet one thing to "tomuchcoffeeman". I love that name. But it is no way her fault if she decides to leave this marriage. She was the one who was cheated on. It was not her choice to be lied to and betrayed. If she chooses to move on, it is the result of his betrayal. I just had to drop that in here.

One thing I would say, is get yourself to a counselor or call the Harleys. That would help. Be supportive of her and loving and let her know that you want her. Right now she feels like you tossed her aside, that she didn't matter at all, and she is not believing anything you say. I've been there.

REM,

She goes or you go....sounds like you have a decision to make. To me leaving is saying that you are giving up or at least a step in that direction.

double

<small>[ May 07, 2003, 01:17 PM: Message edited by: d_rose ]</small>

damn 3 strikes....i am out

<small>[ May 07, 2003, 01:18 PM: Message edited by: d_rose ]</small>

WELL SHE HAS BEEN TO A LAWYER AND HE CONTACTED ME BUT SINCE THEN (2 WEEKS AGO) I HAVNT HEARD A THING FROM HIM . MAYBE SHE STALLIN SO SHE CAN LIVE THERE WITHOUT INTERUPTION OF THIS SUMMER WITH DAUGHTER THERE.. I KNOW SHE WANTS HER TO GO TO SCHOOL THERE FOR K1 BUT ....MAYBE SHE DOESNT WANNA PULL HER UP , SO SHE DOESNT HAVE TO LOOK FOR DAYCARE?????I COULD THINK AND RETHINK ALL THIS AND STILL WONT KNOW WHERE SHE IS COMING FROM..

well folks im staying at least for now.im lookin for a place with one eye half closed.i will take it day by day. if she wants to throw it away she will do it alone.if she wants to sell the house she will have to do it. she she doesnt wanna live in the same house she will have to do something about it. im not being cold but im not going to make it easy for a divorce. in less than a month she has decided its not worth fighten for,got her own checking accont,contacted a lawyer and wants it to be over. yes i know shes mad but not thinkin to rationaly.

RH,
The best thing you can do right now is to stall.

Stalling is an art, and you need to think about is some. What you did hurt her deeply, it was a way of telling her that her feelings don't matter to you. After she says it's over, and you stay, those feelings continue. She feels like you continue to hurt her on purpose.

We know that these feelings on her part are probably temporary, and she will probably realize one day that it would be better to try and work things out. ( probably, not always.)

I believe you should quit telling her you are not going to move ( is this what you have done? ) and just stall. IF you have to, tell her you want some time prepare your self, that emotionaly you can't handle things and you need time. See if she will agree to a few months. Buy time. If you have to, beg for time. Try another direction and see if you can get her to leave things alone for a few months.

If you believe in God, pray. Admit your faults, don't argue, just agree when she says bad things about you.

I think what you need most is time.

SS