Just received an email from WH this morning at work and I'm stunned, not sure what to do next, so I'm writing to ask for your help and advice.

WH moved in w/OW 12/31/02, I've been in strict Plan B since early Feb. Contact has been limited to a short note from me in April re signing tax forms and a few other financial details, and a request from me (via MIL, our go-between) last week re buying a used car from our joint accounts for our D(22), which WH agreed to do. The email from him this morning pertained to financial stuff, his offer to communicate re maintenance of the house and his wanting me to get my own car insurance. He signed the email "I remain in neutral".

Aside from the shock of hearing from him after all this time, I'm feeling fearful of the financial stuff. We have no separation agreement, I haven't seen a lawyer yet, although I contacted one this morning and am waiting for a call-back. A friend at work, who is Dv'd, said that in his opinion once a separated spouse starts talking about splitting financial stuff, he's already made a decision to Dv, and WH is not really "in neutral".

Our D graduates from college in 2 weeks, I'm sure he's got some anxiety about that, and he hasn't spoken to our S(24) since Christmas. Our D says WH told her last week he rented his own apartment but hasn't moved in yet.

This morning I woke up realizing that I have lived with a very sick man for many years and that he has never dealt with his issues. He was sexually abused as a child and was neglected by his father, who incidentally cheated on his mother for 20 years before she Dv'd him. This is WH's third A. I'm tired of playing the rescuer to his victim, and will not try to reconcile our M, even if he wanted to, unless he admits he's got personal problems and wants to help himself. I've started to feel I'll be better off without him. It's hard to let go, though, we'll be married 25 yrs. this weekend.

I'm a little calmer now just writing this, and any feedback will be really welcome.

Lablady

Me BS 48 tomorrow
WH 48
M'd 25 years
S 24, D 22
OW coworker/widow 44
Dday #1&2 Oct 90
Dday #3 Jul 02
Summer/fall 2002 WH goes back and forth btwn me and OW, I take him back 8 times
WH moves in w/mother Oct. 2002
WH moves home for Christmas
WH moves in w/OW 12/31/02
Letter from WH 1/29/03, says he still loves me, wants to get own apartment, sort things out
Plan B 2/4/02
Email from WH re financial stuff 5/6/03

One thought: It's good to get the financial stuff separated. It makes emotional issues clearer, and when you do come around to discussing emotional issues, you won't have big, nasty arguments about money hovering over your head. My financial go-between told me that a good financial separation would pave the way for either reconciliation or divorce, and make either option cleaner.

You didn't mention any A...resistance is futile, but it's good to slow things down to let the A die down. In the case of my H, his behavior has been sufficiently wild and erratic that it felt right to have some financial protection from him.

<small>[ May 06, 2003, 11:34 AM: Message edited by: A.M.Martin ]</small>

Not sure I really have any advice as I seem to be in similar situation, except for Plan B.
I haven't filed anything either, Financial situation plummeting and still I hold on...
This is my WH's 2nd A. 1st, 2yrs ago ended after 3 weeks and WH seemed very remorseful.
Just had 19th Anniv. and it was a sad day. I took the day off, knew I would be emotional, but i kept busy with yard work and at least got something accomplished and then a friend came over in the evening.
I hope you can plan ahead for your day, spend it with friends or doing something you enjoy. You will get through it!
I'm sorry you are going through this.

A.M.Martin - I think you're right about the financial stuff possibly coming up later as an emotional issue unless I/we take care of it separately from any other possible discussions. I've been reluctant to take any legal action because, as you say, I wanted to slow things down, hoping WH would realize he'd made a mistake and come to his senses, but it may now be time to do something about the finances. I can live on my individual income, although our old house needs renovating, and it will take longer if I do it myself, but if I give it up I'll spend the rest of my life looking for the same place all over again.

learnin - I've read your posts, and I think you're in a tighter spot than I am right now, mostly because you have kids to deal with, especially TEENAGERS! It was really hard to know when to let go and when to pull the reins in when my kids were going through it, even though they didn't really get into trouble and are now wonderful young adults. It just takes so much time to parent teenagers, and those years are often stressful for a family. Just keep the lines of communication open if you can.

Thanks for you encouragement and suggestions about my anniversary, I'll be spending the day with family, and you're right, I'll get through it, just as you did.