After all this time, my H is still spewing bitterness. I thought he was past it. I was wrong.

Sunday, he mentions that he may have soccer practice on Monday evening. I assume that meant I would have to pick up D. No problem, I say. I had done last Wednesday night. Monday night, I get to the train station. It's raining hard. I call my MIL. I ask, "Should I come?" Kindly, no malice or intent to hurt...she angrily calls out to H, "Should she come?" (Well, I didn't know they had already been arguing about something else.) H grabs the phone and starts yelling at me. "If I didn't call you to ask about coming here, why would you assume I was going to soccer?" I calmly respond, "I was just checking to make sure." "Yeah right, now my parents think that my first priority is soccer because of you...blah, blah..." I quickly hung up.

I arrived home. H and D were already there which means his parents probably told him to leave.

I ignored him. Silent.

Today, he calls and leaves a message at work spewing more of the "how I've ruined his life..."
Hateful stuff...

Recovery??? Oh yeah...that's a joke.

Terri,
You must have the patience of a saint.

He had absolutely no right to yell at you for confirming plans. It doesn't appear you were assuming anything, rain can change outdoor plans.

YOU WERE REASONABLE. He is not.

His life is ruined because he is one angry, immoral, buttheaded bully.

Blaming it on you doesn't change the fact of what and who he is right now.

If you can stand it, I don't think I'd deign to reply to his rant. Let him stew. If he notices, or asks or yells about it again, just say "stop it right now. I want you to leave." Go get the phone. If he's on the phone tell him you aren't listening to his rant and that you'll talk to him when he's calm. Hang up and unplug the phone.

You don't have to listen to this abuse. He doesn't have the right to force it on you.

He's in restraining order territory with his behavior toward you.

I rather hope your MIL, the proponent of "civility" was aghast by his behavior to you.

I'm just so sorry he's so awful to you.

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Terrified}}}}}}}}}}}}}

I have to agree with Lor, your husband is nothing but a bully and you are his punching bag. Good that you hung-up when he started yelling, but the fact that YOU allow his behavior in your home, in front of your child is damaging to say the least. And please don't say she was in the other room and didn't witness it once again. Children are not stupid. You want your marriage, fine, we understand that, but at the cost of your emotional well being as well as your child's emotionaly well being, well he is not worth it. NO ONE IS! Not the person he is now. PLAN B is WAY OVERDUE! Hopefully one day soon, you will get out of the "PITY, WOES ME HE IS SO CRUEL TO ME STILL", and realize YOU CAN CONTROL HOW YOU ARE TREATED! We here at MB are all keeping our fingers crossed for you Terrified. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Hi Lor, Thanks for your reply. I'm no saint but this anger of his makes me feel low.

Why does he continue it, Lor? I've made NO demands. He's out of the house. Why can't he JUST STOP? How do I help to stop it?

My MIL was crying...there's an out-of-town wedding this weekend (my H's cousin) as I had mentioned. Since it's mother's day on Sunday, my D is not attending with them. This, of course, is sad for everyone. I've said nothing. Haven't had to...my MIL knows and feels it.

Hi Trying, Thanks for your reply. This time around, when I called, my D was at my MIL's. What she did witness was the argument between H and his parents.

It's not pity, Trying. I need to understand the WHY...I need help in trying to deal with this behaviour and STOP it.

hugs

Terri,
Stopping his behavior is not in your control, but how you react to it is.

I don't know why he's so mean.

You talked about giving Steve H. a call, did you? I think it is time to have another review of where you are. His behavior is draining your lovebank, and I wouldn't be surprised if you woke up one day hating his blooming guts.

If it is dangerous for you to stand up to him...then you need to take precautions that you don't come into contact with him.

T--
He's just trying to share his joy with the world. He wants everyone to feel as happy as he does!

Just let him self-destruct T. His anger only belongs to him. He's made his choices, he obviously does not feel good about them...nor does he have the support he envisioned. OW must not be doing such a good job of making his life joyful. Oh what a shame.

What you need are strategies to remove yourself from his path. PLEASE??????

Its way past time to let him feel the true depth of his choices T. I know Plan B is absolutely impossible for you, but can you please please please think more about the 180's. Make your side of every interaction show peace and contentment. You are living your life according to your principals. You do have the love and support of many people. Don't you feel like your life has many possiblities and opportunities? I wish you would start to feel some excitement about your future -- that would really define your relationship with him T. He (and everyone else) would see that. That you will be stronger and better....and he's going the opposite direction.

Stop meeting ANY of his needs (especially the need to come and play Daddy at your house).

His anger is his own. You don't own it, and you're not responsible for it. Let him point it elsewhere.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It's not pity, Trying. I need to understand the WHY.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">There lies the problems.....
1) Your only focus is on WHY your WH is treating you the way he does. Come on Terrified, you have been here long enough to realize that NO ONE CAN TELL YOU THE EXACT REASON WHY SOMEONE IS BEHAVING! We can throw out some "maybe's", but when it comes down to it you have to see it for what it really is. He abuses you because HE CAN. Because you continually allow it. So what are you going to do about it?
2) </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I need help in trying to deal with this behaviour and STOP it. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Stop it? How are YOU going to control your WH's actions? NO NO NO, you have no control over him what-so-ever! And you will never be able to STOP his behavior, but you can NOT BE THERE TO TAKE IT. You CAN control your participation! What are you going to do about your behavior?

T-

I have learned how to stop similar behavior. I know how hard it is. YOU can control how he gets to treat you.

I hope we can talk. I will try to email you from home tonight, and can call if you have time.

I can totally relate, and it has stopped- although it could relapse... BUT, as long as I keep doing the right things to keep it from happening to me, I can.

I really want to share my ideas/actions with you later... at work , gotta go.

Hugs,

H

Checking back in on you....

I will give you a few ways I have slowed the anger.

1. Prayer- for him and for me and our children, that we may have wisdom, peace, serenity, ability to be calm although we are all hurting, etc. GOOD BOOK- Power of the Praying Wife, also Power of the Praying Parent (I think that is what it is called, the parenting one).

2. Always follow through on your pre-planned course of action for his abusive actions. Start by making a plan, stick to it. YOu know his abuse is usually verbal- he also uses manipulation, but this is usually verbal- he may use coming in the house and playing daddy, and this should stop I would think as an added consequence. Something has to change, and it can be you. By changing your reaction to his behaviors, even if he doesn't change, the situation can change.

3. If he verbally abuses on phone or in person, you get off phone or leave. You can just do the action, you don't have to tell him why. If you are very firm on always having him leave, or always getting off the phone when he is in the least bit abusive, then you will stop it. You can control what happens to you, what you allow him to do can change.

4. By now I know I have mentioned the book Boundaries to you. I strongly suggest you set some strong Boundaries.... read the book, work the workbook, then reread the book 5 times.... lol I am intending to reread it myself, I have worked through the book in a group setting , read it, as well as boundaries in marriage - well parts of that one... but it is all helping tremendously. We can change what we allow in our yards. Think of your boundaries as a fence, like that around your yard. You have a gate, and you get to choose what you allow in and out. You are in charge of keeping what you want in your yard, you own your yard.

Strong consequence, even if unexplained, just leaving, asking him to leave, even if politely... even if you just say... you need to go to the store for milk to get him out of your yard... do so!@@@!

I am sorry he is still doing this to you Terr. I do think part of the reason he does, is that he gets away with it. My WH did too, and may at times, bc I am not at all perfect- but I have reduced the outbursts and elevated the respectful behavior between the two of us.

Hugs to you. Don't give up, b/c he is still fighting what he is doing, he is very ashamed it sounds.

Most WS do want to blame the BS, right? If they can get away with putting the blame on us, they will.

Enjoy your wonderful D, and don't let these precious years get hurt too much more than they already have. You can draw a cocoon of safety around you and D- even if she goes to visit her dad some and grandparents....

It wasn't too long ago that you , WH, and your D were out to some functions together - right? I think he probably still wants that, and you are bucking that fantasy, as well as the one of wife and family while he lives away... the passes at you, the dropping in and being a dad for an evening... the fact that he doesn't expose D to his apartment... UGH.

Anyway, protect you and D. Leave the door open, just in case. Remember with God's help, everything is possible.

Pray, and give this to God; let him help you through this.

Hugs again, Honey

Hey terr,

I think Lor nailed this one already...
His life is ruined because he is one angry, immoral, buttheaded bully. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

OK I realize that doesn't help but it sure feels good...

I'm gonna ask you somethings...just to help me understand how you feels about some of these things...

see in my understanding you actual question here is actually three different things...

1. I need to understand the WHY...
2. I need help in trying to deal with this behaviour
3. and STOP it.

Here are my concerns about you...tell me how far off i am..

1. I am concerned that you avoid any type of confrontation from you because you believe that it is a LB and really would be a reason for not reconciling with you.

2. I believe you are deep down afraid of any real actions that HE may take that involve any real legal action in dissolving your marriage...so you avoid any type of confontration that would "force" him to seek legal council.

3. I believe that you are willing to give up some of your freedom and independance in the belief of protecting your daughter from him and his reality...

4, I believe you are clinging to this need to understand all his anger and believe that if you can understand why he is angry then it will go away....but I think this is a catch 22...because there is no real need to understand his anger...there is only the need for you to diminish what of it you allow in your life...and wanting to understand it...makes you a person that continues to be part of it...so that you can study it....
perhaps you believe that the emotional outbursts with all their hate and anger will also include emotional clues to "why" he is angry/hurt....but they won't because the anger and hate are as childish as they come...and a defense mechanism that barely keeps his head above water...they lack any real meaning and depth...and the longer you continue to participate in viewing his oustbursts and accepting...the longer you two are stuck in the same old pattern....

the more times you let him tell you you have ruined his life by just taking it...you may be re-affirming his belief since you obviously don't disagree....see the irony and the catch 22ness of it....

I could be way off....so I think it helps people to know what you really believe about all of this...

terrified i think you will much better served in trying to understand the
why YOU do what you do....then why he does this or that...
face your fears...find grounding in your thoughts/beliefs/actions not his....and move from that point....

this guy has kept you under the belief that you were inadequate well along the "good years" of your marriage...and continues to do so....but that is YOUR issue...he can't control, abuse, manipulate without you consenting....

Where's the terrified that went on holiday?
that strong independant happy WOMAN who is smart, capable, funny, and a GOOD PERSON???

Let go of why's about him...
look at the why's about you....that's where your mind needs to be...not this tired, person he attempts to keep in her place....

ark

Ark said what I am trying to say! He put it in a nicer way than me!
Ark, next time I will email you my reply and then you can translate it for me! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

bumping...
cause it is my duty on these boards to stalk Terrified...

also curious to know how your mother's day was...\
curious to know how you are ...
curious to know where you are headed...
curious to know if barry mannilow has stopped by lately??? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

ARK

Hi T-
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">"Unjust criticism is usually a disguised compliment. It often means that you have aroused jealousy and envy. Remember that no one ever kicks a dead dog." (Dale Carnegie)
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You know, your H has a way of trying to make you miserable when he is the one who seems to be a prisoner of his own misery.

It sounds like he is jealous of your life and he wants to make you miserable because he is miserable and has no one to blame but himself and he just can't face it that he has screwed up his own life.

How to stop it? Wear ear plugs! He has chosen to be miserable and he has chosen to blame you for it. Wear ear plugs. It won't drown him out, but it will muffle his voice so that his yelling and venom won't pierce your eardrums so violently.

How to get him to hear you? Be a broken record. Just calmly repeat yourself over and over in a monotone voice and say it again and again. Let him yell, let him get it all out and then say whatever you need to say again and again in a very calm voice like a broken record.

<small>[ May 13, 2003, 07:23 PM: Message edited by: BINthereDUNthat ]</small>

To be stalked by the likes of Ark...I am truly blessed!! Thank-you for checking in after getting through another huge hurdle...your concern, well...it means everything (unless of course, George Clooney was looking for me and he would definitely make me feel like a woman again!

Seriously, just had a good morning turn into a bad one. Had to bring my D into work...my IL's are still in Montreal (for that family wedding) and my mother is not well. So...decided to give my D a treat, bring her in on the train and make her feel like a big girl. She was so excited. Anyway, my darling H calls this morning and calls me crazy because of the SARS scare in Toronto. Well, the Toronto SARS scare has been lifted by the WHO and...I would never put my D in danger. If I'm coming in every day...oh well, it's no use.

He told me in a voice mail that "I'd pay for this" because I wouldn't listen to him rant and rave. I hung up. Said nothing. I will not allow his abuse in our life.

Did want to thank all of you for your replies.

Lor, </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Stopping his behavior is not in your control, but how you react to it is. /QUOTE]

You're right. I am trying to control my reactions every step of the way. I am forcing myself to almost not react, not respond...nothing. Hello, Goodbye...I no longer encourage conversation or initiate it. NOTHING.

I have set up an appt with Steve H. for May 22nd.

I think the best way to stand up to him is to show NO emotion.

Lex, You make me laugh. [QUOTE]He's just trying to share his joy with the world. He wants everyone to feel as happy as he does! </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Or he wants the world to know how very much it's my fault for whatever unhappiness everyone is experiencing.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Don't you feel like your life has many possiblities and opportunities? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Generally, I don't think it does. Everything I do reminds me of what I don't have anymore. ALL of our close friends are MARRIED. My social life revolved around THESE friends and their families. I've know some of these people for over 35 years. Just in a state of transition as to where we FIT...

H has a family wedding in Montreal. His family attends. Leaves Friday with nieces in tow. I felt orphaned with my D. I don't have the size of family that H has always full of activity and excitement. I talk to my IL's every day. My MIL was so emotional that we cried every day we spoke last week. The problem is that my IL's are my family too...so how do you let them go?

Hi Trying, I am trying very hard to change my behaviour and my reactions. The only thing I see that is starting to force more courtesy from him is NO reaction and NO emotion from me. I have to stop myself each time I see him...but I am definitely working on dealing with him and minimizing my encounters.

Honey, Wonderful ideas in which to change my behaviour...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Prayer- for him and for me and our children </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Always.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I do think part of the reason he does, is that he gets away with it. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You're right but sometimes you don't see yourself as letting him get away with it.

It is up to God. Your words are comforting. I hope this finds you well.

Ark, For someone I've never met, you certainly have a handle on me...you sure you don't know my OLD H?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> 1. I am concerned that you avoid any type of confrontation from you because you believe that it is a LB and really would be a reason for not reconciling with you. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Absolutely.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">2. I believe you are deep down afraid of any real actions that HE may take that involve any real legal action in dissolving your marriage...so you avoid any type of confontration that would "force" him to seek legal council. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Quite frankly, I'm TERRIFIED of legal action. My stomach sinks when I go to retrieve the mail each day.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">3. I believe that you are willing to give up some of your freedom and independance in the belief of protecting your daughter from him and his reality.. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes, I fear for my daughter's mental well being. She's so aware of FAMILY being dad, mom and children. That's all she wants to do of late...draw pictures of families in chalk, in crayon, in paint...how best do I confront this fear?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I believe you are clinging to this need to understand all his anger and believe that if you can understand why he is angry then it will go away....but I think this is a catch 22...because there is no real need to understand his anger...there is only the need for you to diminish what of it you allow in your life </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I used to believe that if I showed him I was different, I did believe I would wake up and it would go away BUT not anymore. I do feel stronger in ways and at times, I don't know if I will ever allow him to come back in after what he's done...my real challenge is to diminish what I allow.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">not this tired, person he attempts to keep in her place.... </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am ALWAYS tired. Do not feel anticipation of any sort.

But I am really trying to change ARk.

Hi Trying, Ark is a "SHE"...one I'm luck to have "met". And she does say it right, doesn't she.

Ark, I'm so glad it your duty...and I haven't played Barry in a long while but I do love the latest Santana CD!

Hi BTDT, Nice to hear from you.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You know, your H has a way of trying to make you miserable when he is the one who seems to be a prisoner of his own misery. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He believes I've created his misery and by divorcing me, misery will disappear...is it more WS fog?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> It sounds like he is jealous of your life </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Do you think so?

Thanks to all.

Hi again

<small>[ May 15, 2003, 07:38 AM: Message edited by: Terrified ]</small>

I'm just gonna say I find some irony in the fact that I am afraid to post this to you because I don't want to hurt you....and make you feel worse...but when I read about the hurt your husband sends to you it makes me crazy....but what makes me even crazier than what he does is YOUR reaction or lack there of....(total issue avoidance day after day)....and yet I am so afraid to point this out to you...for fear of your reaction to me...when you don't even react to him....see how crazy that is??????

Terr,
you know that regardless of what hubby does/doesn't do that I believe in you../
I believe you are worth more than this..

I believe that even if you were the worst wife on this planet which you weren't that at some point HE needs to realize that for the sake of the relationship and mental health of your child that he needs to realize you catch more bees with honey than vinegar...and he has'nt yet
I believe that you MUST stand up for you and your daughter....

I believe that it is time for YOU to take control of your destiny, future, and happiness...and than means major change and growth...on your part...

It means letting go of the known and facing the unknown and your fears...

So many of your fears are just not true...

1. I am concerned that you avoid any type of confrontation from you because you believe that it is a LB and really would be a reason for not reconciling with you.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Absolutely.
absolute poppycock!!!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> is what that is...
reasons for not reconciling with you are in line with he's not worthy of you..or anyone else right now.... that he stepped outside of marital lines and had an affair...how easy it is for him to convince you that he was a victim in this...ugghhhhh

Yes, I fear for my daughter's mental well being. She's so aware of FAMILY being dad, mom and children. That's all she wants to do of late...draw pictures of families in chalk, in crayon, in paint...how best do I confront this fear?

The truth is what frees your's and her fear....he needs to quit with his hate and venom and just be truthful with you and her...it is the least he should be doing....
You and your daughter are going to be fine....but you need the truth...whatever it is...to mourn what is lost and to see what is gained....

And I'm still not talking divorce but I am talking enough of his bu11crap in your life...

I'd pay for this" because I wouldn't listen to him rant and rave. I hung up.

leave him a voice mail..in your sweetest voice...
ummm actually dear I think it is you who will be paying...my lawyer fees, childsupport, and i will be sure to send you the orthodontist bill when it comes sometime in the future...... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

what exactly would he say if you said something like that...????
how about putting some fear in his little world of the mailbox....
what would he do???
what could he do???

what does he do when you do confront...or do you just not ever???

you need a new network of women/men who have stood where you stood...who have been stagnated by their own fears to...and who have moved on and away from such pain....

happy families blowing sunshine out their butts are boring... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> ....OK OK that's just a joke..I couldn't resist it..
seek out parents without partners...even at your church...there's tons of people out there to help you terr...seek them out....

ARK <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> who only wants you to be happy....

Terrified,

I think you are doing pretty well on the Plan A track (from what I've read on this thread). I would have to respectfully disagree with the previous poster. You can't change your H, only yourself. Cutting off the conversation when H is disrespectful seems like a fine response, but looking for things to threaten him with - or other men to associate with is not.

Plan A means that, for right now, you forgo any expectation that your H will meet your needs and even accept (to some degree) that he will LB you - while at the same time, you do your best to avoid LBing him and try to meet his needs. It's hard, but it has a point - the point being to break the spell of the A - to gain enough time for OW to start being real and not a fantacy - complete with real flaws and her own LB's. Until you get to that point, your H may hardly understand that you exist. He's like a psych patient.

You want to project the image of being in control of yourself and your destiny - not begging, pleading - missing him, but looking forward in life - while at the same time avoiding hurting him (LB's) and trying to meet his needs.

Just my opinion.

-AD

T-

I think it sounds like you are doing great.

IMHO- I think your wh is himself terrified of the control he is losing over his DD. Therefore, the blame game. He feels bad himself for being at that wedding without her, and you too - very likely... the guilt. So, he blames you for your action in bringing her into the city.

Truly, if he was such a wonderful dad, would he leave his little girl and wonderful wife to act like a true you know what for the past year plus.

I hate that you are still in pain, but I am proud of you for being strong. Stay that way.

Detach with love, and don't allow his outbursts and accusations. Do show him true polite and even loving concern- but do not go overboard on any lovey behavior.. How could you at this point, anyway?

I think he just might reciprocate your approach if you teach him how to act.... he might catch on that you can be civil and kind in face of his insanity.

More late, still at work! You go girl! Enjoy the days you have and do not let him take happiness from you.. it is hard, but you can do it! I am actually starting to feel happy lately, with or without him! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

hugs, Honey <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

AD

Cutting off the conversation when H is disrespectful seems like a fine response, but looking for things to threaten him with - or other men to associate with is not.

I think you misunderstood my post...

I have only advocated anyone focusing on themselves...

Parents without partners is not other men to associate with...it is a usually a religious affilliated group of supportive families...seperated widowed or divorced..helping eachother through...especially effects on kids....
.not suggesting she date see anyone else....
my happy family sunshine comment was only a joke... I'm all for happy sunshiney families... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

And as hard as it for me to say I do believe terr needs to change her plan A tactics...that she needs more boundaries to protect herself...and just hanging up on him when disrespectful...will become her life...with nothing ever changing....(which in my opinion it has)

No good comes out of being so afraid to LB that one sets no real boundaries other than avoidance or ignoring...Infact...at one time if people ignored...heck i would just escalate louder and meaner...negative was better than nothing...

He's been out of the house for over a year...
things have settled into Terrified being nothing but the root of all evil and all that is wrong in this world....

It's difficult to watch someone you care about just continually be attacked and blamed...

I say confront some of his verbal garbage...
ARK

I don't post anymore on this site; I just lurk occasionally. But this story has been enough to pull me back in.

I think there is far more going on here than anyone on this site can help you with. I don't think it's an accident that your screen name is "Terrified." It's obvious that you are both emotionally and physically terrified of the man who is supposed to be your husband. You've hinted at physical abuse before, but are quick to gloss it over. What's really been going on in that house, Terri? What has your daughter really seen?

It's clear that you are absolutely terrified of standing up to this man in any way, shape or form. You are terrified that he will divorce you and equally terrified that he will knock you through a wall. He is a cruel, sadistic bully who obviously enjoys keeping you cowed and terrified so that he can enjoy his sick little power trip.

If you do nothing else, you have got to understand that THIS WILL NOT STOP UNTIL *YOU* MAKE IT STOP. Your husband is not ever going to stop this because he's got you right where he wants you. If you ever want some kind of a normal life for yourself and your child, YOU have to make it stop, and for that you are going to need help -- far more help than an Internet forum can give you and far more than any over-the-phone counselor can give you.

You need physical help right there where you live. I strongly urge you to call whatever agencies exist in your city that help women extricate themselves from domestic violence situations. If that means calling the police, then call them. They will help you. You are trapped and believe you are helpless, and above all you are Terrified -- and so is your child.

This has gone on far too long. Sitting and waiting and hoping that somehow your husband is magically going to change is only going to make your life worse and worse and worse. You've been doing exactly that for months/years now, and as Dr. Phil might say -- "How's that workin' for ya?"

How's it working for your child?

Your husband may have been a decent man once, but, for whatever reason, that man is long gone. That was his choice, not yours, but you cannot change it through wishful thinking. The man that remains does not love you and does not respect you. Love doesn't treat people with hatred and cruelty, and respect doesn't intimidate them by punching them, slapping them and throwing them around.

Please stop holding on to a fantasy and get some real help before it's too late. I know this man has beaten you and there's no reason for you to try to cover that up here.

There is one thing worse than getting a divorce, Terri. That will be the day your grown daughter confronts you and asks why you put her through hell by making her watch her mother get physically beaten and emotionally abused for years, never once standing up for herself.

Please -- take responsibility for yourself and your child instead of waiting for your very sick husband to do it. Get off the Internet right now and call someone in your city who can get you out of this Now. Today. Don't wait another minute, or you may find you don't have one.

Hello all and thanks for your thoughtful replies,

Ark, I will not be hurt by whatever you may write because I know it comes from someone who care and is wanting to help. Yes, you're probably right. Avoidance is not the answer.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">and yet I am so afraid to point this out to you...for fear of your reaction to me...when you don't even react to him....see how crazy that is?????? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Always tell me what you think because I believe in your wisdom , Ark... and I also believe you force me to look at truth.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">he needs to quit with his hate and venom and just be truthful with you and her... </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">What is the truth according to H? He's left, is never coming back and wants a divorce. Is this the truth you speak of or is the H we don't see hiding at an apt that no one visits because of the deceitful life, the phone bills, the letters...that will be revealed?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">how about putting some fear in his little world of the mailbox....
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'd LOVE to be able to do this...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">what does he do when you do confront. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I do sometimes confront him, much less now than before but what is fresh in my mind is yesterday evening. He came with a package he had sourced from his EAP provider that came in the mail to his apt. A package of info relating to separation and parenting. "Here you go, thought you might need something like this."

Then he says something about our car/home insurance renewal. He was contacted by our insurance agent last week who recommended to him that he should be separate from our policy because he no longer lives with us. Of course, this separation of policy amounts to 20% more for both of us so I asked him, "When were you going to tell me about this? I understand the policies have to be separate but no one told me expecially since it's so much more money?" He backed down a little saying "you don't care about money, do you???"

And then, after all of this, COMES ON to me really bad. I don't get it. I told him to go home and take a cold shower.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">you need a new network of women/men who have stood where you sto </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I have tried out one organization but it was too hard for me. The two people I came in contact with were already past where I was and divorced. Indicated that once someone leaves, they generally never come back. Some of these ORGS just don't believe in MB principles.

AD, Thanks for your kind words. Just so that you know, Ark is very supportive of my struggle...and doesn't support pursuit of other men...just wants me to believe in myself again.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Plan A means that, for right now, you forgo any expectation that your H will meet your needs and even accept (to some degree) that he will LB you </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think I'm there and have been for some time but you're right.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> the point being to break the spell of the A </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Since the OW is overseas and not part of his present reality, I really don't believe this can ever happen unless she comes to this country which would be disastrous for all of us but perhaps he's playing the waiting game...in his mind, his affair will blow over and people won't care anymore.

Hi Honey, Thank-you.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think he just might reciprocate your approach if you teach him how to act </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Maybe...if he ever stops poking holes in me enough to "see" me again...instead of being blinded by the fog.

I'm happy for you Honey, that you are starting to feel happiness without H. A great place to be...

Ark, I know where you're at and what you're trying to do for me.

And I agree that something has to change in order to things to move forward one way or the other.

Hi Psycho, Thank-you for checking back in to my story.

Believe me, I am truly terrified of divorce, of letting go of family and friends whom I've loved for more than 20 years.

I am not terrified of my H.

H has been no different than my WS's that are described on this board.

I am not attempting to defend him. Believe me. However, he is not what you describe.

That's all I can say.

Thank-you for your concern. I know you mean well.

Hugs to all.