hello all. I do not usually post here, but i thought i might get some "new" ideas.
here is my cliffnotes::
my husband cheated. it was an EA for four months, then turned PA for two months before I ever knew anything. When i found out, i only found out the EA part.
he continued to lie. they quit sleeping together for 7 months, but the affair continued. then the PA part came back for another 6-7 months, then he got 'busted" for the whole thing.
I have been through a plan A, a false recovery, and a short lived (very short) plan B-of sorts.
That was in January. Since then Husband has done well. He seems remorseful for the first time. He hates what he has done to me and our children. We have been in IC/MC and pastoral counselling since Jan. he seems to have regected all thoughts of OW. He has called the OW's husband and sincerly appoligized for the pain he caused their family. In many ways we talk more now than we have our entire 13 years together. Overall, recovery is going as well as one can expect after only four months of recovery.
So here is the problem.
*I do not trust him, at all.
*I accuse him of all sorts of things, that for the most part are not founded.
*The pain and hurt of his betrayal seems to have gotten worse the last month or so, and I can not figure out why. (????)
*I have changed into a freak-show. I do not recongnize myself. I have lost my self-assured attitude. I am insecure. I am jealous. I am paranoid. ANd no fun to be around. ANd, i blame him.
*I also went off my anti-ds two months ago. (just thought I would mention that)

Do you ever trust at all again? DO you ever get through the hurt of a betrayal this big? I realize that all affairs hurt. I am not going to try to minimize what anyone has been through.
However, my husband was one of those people that NO ONE would ever think could have done this. AND the false recovery thing is killing me. For a year I thought we were working on our marriage. I thought I was going crazy when i would doubt him. He would accuse me of not letting it go. "we would be fine if you could just forgive me!" "what kind of Christain are you, you can't forgive!" "I am not seeing her! I am not with her anymore! Let it go!"

The affair i think I have forgiven him for. The betrayal that lasted a year 1/2. i can not get past.

Is this normal? WIll it get better? Have any of you been through a false recovery for that long? It is debilitating. Makes you doubt yourself/. I do not believe in him. Will I ever?????

help
tsc
<img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />