T.T.H.O.

One "trick" that may help - is to realize that you may just be better off without him - that you will survive and may even thrive without him.

Once I came to the point that I realized that I didn't really care which result I got, it was easier for me to be calm about it. I know that I will be OK without my W - and in most ways will be happier. Maybe in my case it is easier because there really aren't many good memories to fall back on.

If you can come to that way of thinking - that you have lost your H - and really it is not so great a loss - that you are relatively neutral about the question of whether you will get him back, it is a lot easier to avoid emotional outbursts.

-AD

TTHO and others in the same situation will be ok. It has been tough on you but, you have been strong. If you could see your future in a year or something I am sure it will be far better than this s-crappy moment in time.

I think so, because you care. You did not do the thing to him, to your credit. He is a fool and lossed to it. But you are not him and when you were happy with him you were not an extension of him. You are still you. Special, caring, devoted to your family and a working woman. You can set your mind to ease by taking care of those things you need to now. Get your bases covered and move ahead.

God love you and others in this together.

HI,
Mother's Day was fine. Kept very busy with yard work, got a LOT accomplished, so I feel good about that.
Kid's gave me a cute candle gift w/a card. My 16 yr.old S bought it. He's been very thoughtful and supportive.
WH called to wish me a Happy M's Day and to tell me I'm a good mother and have always been there for the kids.
I kept it short(I was getting emotional), told him I appreciated him calling and saying that. When he said, "you're working hard on Mother's Day"?, I could've responded with "yeah, who else is going to do it?", but I didn't. When he said, "you're a good mother", I could've said, "yeah, but just not a good enough wife?", but I didn't.
So I guess I did ok by keeping it short and sweet.
Not much chance to Plan A. Just trying to keep myself from calling him.
He hasn't seen the kids since April 24th. He let our 18 yr.old S take it back here so that he can get back to work. WH is still laid off. But he doesn't even call to talk to them. What's up with that? I blasted him a week ago for that, but it hasn't improved.
We don't have any regular visitation schedule set up. I really don't want them down there. The first and only time he took 4 yr.old D for a visit(11 yr.old wouldn't go), he left her at OW's apt. to watch a movie w/her kids while he went to grocery store!!! OW is a perfect stranger to our D! UUGGH!
That's all here.

Thanks for all the support and suggestions - It's been really hard but wflower is right - I will be fine. I will also try the other suggestions. I know in my heart that our marriage could have worked if he wanted it too also - but he didn't.
So I just need to get that through my thick skull - I will try the psychiatric patient thing - that's a good idea - also the agreeing with everything - he is the most stubborn person I know.
Thanks Again
TTHO

Any thoughts for me? Or is my situation just too, too minimalist?

A.M.Martin,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by A.M.Martin:
<strong>Any thoughts for me? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">AD, looking back over his shoulder, looking a little bit lost, writes "You askin me?"

Sorry, I'm a bit behind...

Well, since just a week ago I had my big blowup, I don't know if I can advise you very much. You seem to be handling things pretty coolly (sp?).

I'm not sure what you could have done with the opportunity to interact with your H in a public setting. Nobody expects you to be a magician - but I know it must have felt bad to be so close and unable to do anything. It seems clear that your H felt uncomfortable with this other guy giving you a hug - maybe that was a good thing - maybe a bad thing. I don't really know. Maybe your H was just trying to pretend with this friend that everything is fine.

The official plan A thinking is try not to LB and try to fill needs. Creating jealosy is not part of the plan. "Plan J" has it's fans <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> - but I think it can backfire. If it hurt your H for you to hug this guy, that makes it an LB - and so, under the PlanA banner, you shouldn't have done that - but I know that some people are just huggers and you have to be quick to get away from them without creating an awkward moment. A lady I used to work with - who's daughter was a flower girl in our wedding - hugged me at the wedding rehersal! My W-to-be was not happy! I heard about that for a long time!

Don't beat yourself up. I think it's tough to do much constructive MarriageBuilding with a separated spouse in a public group.

-AD

<small>[ May 12, 2003, 05:34 PM: Message edited by: AD ]</small>

Update / Mothers' Day Weekend / Days 4,5 (and 6):

Since I updated Sat. Noon, I think I slipped a little. I spent a lot of time with W - trying to fill her needs but I didn't do everything I could have done. I was lazy. I didn't clean the kitchen last night - although W gave me a hint when we incidentally met in the kitchen about 1am - saying "I hate dirty dishes". I didn't feel like unloading/loading the dishwasher and I forgot to take out the trash.

There were a couple of issues that came up that I don't know how to handle in Plan A. I had asked W's nephew (20) to mow the grass at my old house (which W constantly reminds me I need to sell). He was in a bad mood Saturday - probably because of that. He had told me that he had other plans, and I accepted that - but he mowed anyway and was grumpy about having to do it. So, W was telling me that I should do it myself and that I am "not a good man-of-the-house" because I don't do everything that I need to do for maintenence etc of both houses. I replied that since N is a member of our household and I support him - pay his college etc. - even if I didn't do that, he lives in our home, eats food that we provide (and usually cook) for him - that he should pitch in and do some things. I think that's reasonable, but I didn't POJA it with her.

Also, she wants to a class or two in the summer. She wants to change her major to the same as OM (which also was same as me). I don't want her in the same building where he takes classes. Also, we don't have any extra money for that - and new furniture (just got off the phone with her - I agreed to go with her to a furniture store - probably next weekend) - and pay N's tuition September 1st (probably $4K+). I don't know how I should handle financial things in Plan A. Yes, we can do all those things - but only by sacificing yet another $5-8 thousand of my savings - which I accumulated long before marriage. We cannot long sustain that habit. So, although technically, we can do the things W wants right now, if I should lose my job or some emergency comes up - we would be in a world of hurt - and have to start hitting the IRA's and paying the 10% penalty + taxes + using the money we (or I) will need for retirement.

So, in Plan A can I still set financial boundaries and say "we must live out of current income?" If I do that will I risk the success of the plan? I know she's not going to be happy about it. If I sold the other house, that would be both financially responsible and would help us out of this bind. I might also get some settlement from my Mom's estate - but the point is that we cannot always be selling houses and I don't have any more parents to inherit anything from. Yes, I can sell one spare car (or the newest car to maximise), but we'll need a reliable car to replace W's in a year or so again - and if we take a road trip, we need to keep the new one for sure. In a stable marriage, I know what I would do, but maybe I have to buy the marriage back right now and pay for it later.

I made another mistake. W was reading a book called "Family Secrets" - which was about the destructive effects of having secrets in the family. W is adopted - and wanted to read to me the chapter about "adoption secrets" - because she was really hurt during her childhood by the way her parents kept the adoption semi-secret - and when it was acknowledge - told inconsistent stories about it. It was something really sensitive to her - and she said she had never read anything about it - that it was really affirming to read this auther explaining exactly how she felt - that anything kept secret must be "bad" - and if something about he adoption (or even the fact of the adoption) is kept secret it means that she (the adopted one) is in some way "bad". She really was beginning to get some healing from reading this affirming chapter. I listened respectfully and we discussed her family's habit of creating and keeping secrets. The author of this book showed how this practice of keeping secrets within the family (things known by some family members and kept from others) has very bad effects on children and tends to go on for generations and get worse and worse - leads to major disconnects in the family etc. I asked "Is there anything that we probably will keep secret from out child?" This was an explosive question - because soon W got the idea that as soon as our 2-y-o is old enough, I'm going to be telling everyting bad that W ever did. Truely, I just wanted to explore the question - to see what is the best thing for the child. It may be that the child would have to know about the affair early - so that the secret doesn't come out somehow later and really hurt her. As long as OM is around (in town at least), that is a long-term possibility. I don't think my W had ever thought about that. Anyway, I shouldn't have asked that question.

Mothers' day went OK - though I made a poor choice of resteraunt. We had a good time going to the botanical gardens with our child - taking pictures. W refused to go to church (as usual). We spent almost the entire weekend together. I still didn't get to do any yard work!

W slept til after noon both Sat and Sunday - and I was with our child until she got up - and then we spent time together so that I didn't get a chance to do anything else.

Today, I got to work more-or-less on-time - came home for lunch, took her car and filled it with gas.

I'm not working well - or I would't be on MB. I was supposed to "work" til 6 today.

Work is my biggest crisis right now. I'm stuck - distracted by the marriage situation.

Diet is also not progressing.

This evening, I need to vigorously do yard work - and not slack on the kitchen cleaning etc.

Thanks for reading.

-AD

<small>[ May 13, 2003, 12:59 AM: Message edited by: AD ]</small>

KIND OF A PLAN A

Well, then, can I take credit for what I DIDN'T do? I learned today that OW has probably been going through my mailbox, to which we both have keys, to pick up "his" mail. I no more want OW, who is truly odious, going through my mail than I would want her going through my underwear drawer.

I did not blast H with email or phone call. Though the circumstantial evidence is strong, I can't "prove" it. Boy, was I going through divorce fantasies! Anything to stop this long, continuous sense of rape. A friend convinced me to let this one blow over.

Then I got a long, needless but polite email from H, on a matter I said he need not reply, involving some mutual friends who need his help.

Go figure, as they say.

A.M.Martin,

I think you had great restraint not to "go off" about the mailbox. Get your mail forwarded to a different address - ASAP. You are in USA? The postoffice can do it for an individual person - and now there is no time limit to the fowarding. Just have to fill out the forms in the post-office. Give all of your likely names. I had my Mom's mail forwarded - I gave Mrs. Joe Doe, Jane Doe, Janey Doe etc.

-AD

Update - Day 6 (Monday):

I'll spare you the details. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I'm spending a lot of time with W - and I think that is working well. While there are not a lot of LB's, there are some which I have to elliminate.

One thing I have figured out about my conversation/confrontation style. I have a habit which is a form of sarcasm. W will say something which could be understood two ways - though I know what she means, I will turn it around to the other way. I have a hard time coming up with an example. I know (and she has said) that sarcasm really is a turn-off for her.

I don't know if this is a real example of it, but
last night we were out for a walk and W told me that Nephew bought some sneakers. I replied - "so that makes about 6 pairs he has now". She replied "Well, it's his money." I said, "Yeah, and the other five pairs are dirty.... well, I should break the news to him soon that he has to pay his tuition in the fall - so he'll save some money for that."

This was a big LB on my part. I should have said "What kind did he get?" etc. I should have saved the heavy financial talk for another time. I just need to sit her down and say "OK, this is the situation. This is the money we have. These are the expenses. This is what we have been spending. On this track, we'll have to sell one of the cars to pay N's tuition. He's working. I don't want him to feel that he is being punished, but we just can't have the money Sept. 1st". It will hurt and she will resent it - because she's afraid to lose face with her family, but the sooner I do it the better. I've tried several times, but she just says "You will too pay his tuition!"

So after my comment about the tuition, she told me "Go home!" (I was on a bike and she was pushing the stroller). I stayed a little in front of her for about half-a-minute 'til the anger passed and she continued a pleasant convo with me.

The money thing came up again late last night. We were looking at a book about home decorating and she was talking about what she wanted to do in various rooms - then said all she needed was about $XYZ K for the new house decorating and about twice that to fix up the old house and get it sold and etc.. Then she started talking about N's car - saying she was afraid it would break down and maybe cause an accident or something. I replied that I thought his car was safe. I'm sure she was fishing for me to give my old car to N - since it's in much better shape than his - and I could only get $2K or so for it. When she realized that that line of talk wasn't going to get what she wanted - but she just kinda went quiet. It was already 1am - so I said I had to go sleep and said "good night".

I don't want you folks to think that my W is a big spender. She most definitely is not. It's just hard for me to say "no" to her. It's hard for me to convince her that we need a "nest egg" to protect us against hard times - that we need to leave our savings alone and learn to live within the current income.

She has a point - a big point - that I need to sell the other house. She's got that one right. I could really fill some EN's if I would do that. It would make her feel more secure. It would demonstrate my competence taking care of things. It would relieve her of worrying about it. It would signal my committment to the marriage. It would greatly improve the financial situation. OK, I need to do that... but what if we end up divorced? That was always "my house" and if I sell and mingle the funds into marital funds ...

-AD

<small>[ May 13, 2003, 10:00 AM: Message edited by: AD ]</small>

Did you try apologizing for your sarcasm, and asking your W to help you work on it? My H and I (before his abrupt departure) were working on my "zingers." I can say things that sting when I don't mean to, and I'm not aware of it. He would just say, "THAT was a zinger." It wasn't a big issue, but it gave me something to work on. H has a lot of personal issues that I cannot work on.

I wish I had had the time (before his departure) to work on breaking off conversations with a "Let me think about that and we'll talk about it later" rather than getting trapped in the momentum of the moment. I tend to do that, too.

A.M.M.

Yes, I appologized - and often do - very often.

Our 2-year-old goes around saying "I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry." - just copying me, I suppose.

I don't know about asking her to help me with that. I think she would say "Just don't do it." And, yes, she calls me on it every time anyway.

-AD

Update - Day 8, I think.

The last couple of days have gone pretty well. I've made a couple of mistakes and LBed, but also I've held my tongue several times rather than reacting to something my W said.

I'm still a bit lazy with the Plan A. I could do more - and do it better.

Diet.

Work - is going very very badly. I shouldn't be online here - but today, I got in at 7 instead of the usual 8, so .... I'm wasting time on MB. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

We're spending a lot of time together. Sometimes she gives me spontaneous hugs. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> That's surprising actually.

We had a good evening yesterday. Nephew was not home and it was just the 3 of us. We went for a walk without the stroller or tricycle - so D was riding on my shoulders on the way home. W said "It's nice to see you carrying her on your shoulders'. It's a 'good dad' thing to do. I like seeing that."

W was saying that she thinks we'll still be married in 2 years. "You're not a monster, and it would be cruel to D to break up the family." She was talking about having a baby.

Last night, she invited me to sleep in "her" bed, and she held onto me all night. I had almost forgotten what that was like. Very nice. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> When I got up this morning, she thanked me for sleeping in her bed!

Plan A works! It is easier since I am already getting some of my needs met - although I don't seek that. I just try to do what I think will please my W.

Today at noon, I'm meeting a renovation contractor at the old house. W set up the appointment, but I'm going. We'll $ee what he $ays. $elling that would really help u$.

-AD

<small>[ May 14, 2003, 07:18 AM: Message edited by: AD ]</small>

Update - day 8 and 9

Yesterday morning when I posted, I had arrived at work at 7am (great!), but the day was not so good overall. I had a non-work lunch appointment - which ran to 2+ hours - so "worked" late to make up for it - but still didn't get anything done at work. My daughter fell asleep in teh car with W at 6pm and was in bed already when I went home - so I didn't see D all day <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> . We were both sleepy, but ended up staying up talking about war and politics etc - wasn't too ugly, but could have been - and was upsetting anyway and so we got to bed very late. W was back and forth between bedrooms - seems to have had a hard time deciding where to sleep. First, invited me to sleep in her bed - then said she was "afraid afraid of me" ??? - so I said "OK", and went to my bed - then she came there for a few minutes - waking me again, and left again. I thought she was coming back - so I stayed awake for a while. She didn't come back, so I probably fell asleep at 3am - missed the alarm, got to work at 9:45 this morning. Called W at noon and she was lecturing me about going to work "at 11 oclock" as she said it and reminding me that she needed me to be a good worker in order to respect me and that she was afraid that I will lose my job. So, I didn't go home for lunch today either.

Not good, overall.

But, I did meet with a renovation contractor at the old house yesterday at lunch - seemed to go well, but I'm waiting for an estimate. I would be a huge relief to get that house fixed up and sold.

Today again, I'm not working well. I'm really afraid for my job - not that it is right this minute in danger, but that I've got to turn things around or it soon will be.

W called - said it made her feel better to talk to me - was having a hard day with the 2-year-old. "Everything is sticky, nothing works, 2-yo won't listen to me, I'm hot, I'm hungry, I got lost driving, spent too much money." I felt sorry for her. I think today is "bring home sushi" day. She loves sushi. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Does anybody read this thread?

In general, I'm slipping on the Plan A. I've got to refocus. I've got to get my work situation on track. etc. etc.

-AD

<small>[ May 15, 2003, 05:27 PM: Message edited by: AD ]</small>

Does anybody read this thread?

Yes, and there are about 500 of us, but most of us don&#8217;t comment.

I&#8217;ll take a stab at some of this.

First, invited me to sleep in her bed - then said she was "afraid afraid of me" ??? - so I said "OK", and went to my bed - then she came there for a few minutes - waking me again, and left again. I thought she was coming back - so I stayed awake for a while. She didn't come back, so I probably fell asleep at 3am - missed the alarm, got to work at 9:45 this morning. Called W at noon and she was lecturing me about going to work "at 11 oclock" as she said it and reminding me that she needed me to be a good worker in order to respect me and that she was afraid that I will lose my job. So, I didn't go home for lunch today either.

I suggest you get on a schedule. Tell her that in order to do the &#8220;work&#8221; thing, you have to do the &#8220;go-to-bed-early&#8221; thing too. Ask her for help with it. See if you can do 9:30 or something so you can still get in the talks before sleep. No, I&#8217;m not kidding.

But, I did meet with a renovation contractor at the old house yesterday at lunch - seemed to go well, but I'm waiting for an estimate. I would be a huge relief to get that house fixed up and sold.
You can put the money in your own private account if you worry about her getting it. Or, a money market fund or something in your name. That actually may make you look good.

Today again, I'm not working well. I'm really afraid for my job - not that it is right this minute in danger, but that I've got to turn things around or it soon will be.
Have you talked to your boss about the stress you have been under and the A and so on? IF you haven&#8217;t, I suggest you do it, and ask for time to improve. Promise you&#8217;ll get better and then do so.

W called - said it made her feel better to talk to me - was having a hard day with the 2-year-old. "Everything is sticky, nothing works, 2-yo won't listen to me, I'm hot, I'm hungry, I got lost driving, spent too much money." I felt sorry for her. I think today is "bring home sushi" day. She loves sushi.

Continue to meet needs, It looks as though she will come around. I wonder if she keeps contact with OM &#8220;just in case.&#8221; Tell her you&#8217;ll work on yours if she&#8217;ll work on hers. ( LB&#8217;s that is.) Ask her if she will make a trade &#8211; you&#8217;ll do better if she will.

AD, this is not rocket science. Be nice to her and meet her needs. She has told you as much. I want you to be glad for what you are doing. You are getting better!
But &#8211;
( You knew that was coming, didn&#8217;t you.)
But, you have room to improve, keep after it.

Remember if you want to change the results ( what time you get up) you have to change the preparation ( what time you go to bed.)

SS

SS,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by still seeking:
<strong>I&#8217;ll take a stab at some of this. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Thanks! I appreciate it. You took my "feeling neglecting, and whining about it" bait. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>
I suggest you get on a schedule. Tell her that in order to do the &#8220;work&#8221; thing, you have to do the &#8220;go-to-bed-early&#8221; thing too.
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You're right, but...
Actually, about 10 I said "we should go to bed" - to which she replied by ordering me to go to bed. I headed that way, but she came in and started a conversation about war - tough subject - as she was born in a war. I can't in good concience cut off a discussion of this kind with my W - who at 5 years of age was a witness to such horrible things. If I can help her process all that, well, I can't say "sorry, I'm going to bed."
But you are, of course, right. I has been a recurring problem in our marriage, but she doesn't do it on purpose. She just gets worked up about things sometimes and my #1 job is to be there for her and listen to her. So, it is a dilemma.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong> You can put the money in your own private account if you worry about her getting it. Or, a money market fund or something in your name. That actually may make you look good. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes, the old house is mine - was mine for 15 years before I married her - and paid for long before we married. But, we need relief from our house-payment now, so I think I will refinance the new house when I sell the old one. It's a risk - and I've toggled back and forth in my mind about which way to go. I've been *very* succesfull in the stock-market over the last year, and I would not use a fund - but would invest it myself if not refinancing the house. I'm pretty sure, I could do alot better than what I would save on the house payment - but stability, safety are also important to my W... so I don't know....

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>
Have you talked to your boss about the stress you have been under and the A and so on? IF you haven&#8217;t, I suggest you do it, and ask for time to improve. Promise you&#8217;ll get better and then do so. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The problem is, this is my new job. I lost the old one a month after W moved out (2 years ago). The man who hired me knew about that - and I told him that I would not allow my personal problems to undermine my work performance. So now I'm it a tough spot. I don't think my poor work performance is my W's fault. I won't blame it on her. I have escapist tendencies which lately keep me from going after my job with full force. When I run into a snag, I waste time on the net rather than digging my way through the problem. It is absolutely terrible! I used to be incredibly productive - but that seems so long ago.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong> You are getting better! </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Thanks for the encouraging words.

I'm going home now.

-AD

<small>[ May 15, 2003, 06:32 PM: Message edited by: AD ]</small>

Update - Day 10 now.

Last night was not so good. W seems depressed. She things she is bipolar and I'm seeing a pattern too. For a few days she was having rather expansive thoughts, plans - signed up for summer classes at the U. Yesterday, she just wanted to sit and read - jumped whenever I spoke to her.

We had a hard time getting 2-year-old to bed. W was pretty frazzled and a little impatient with the situation. So, I lifted W into the crib with D and D decided she could lay down. After D was asleep, I lifted W out.

W decided about midnight that she needed to "go out for a drive" - then decided that she would go to Wal-Mart to look for plants. I went to sleep. She called at 1:40AM - to ask if N was home and if he was (so I wouldn't leave D home alone), would I come in the van to help her bring home some plants she bought. N wasn't home, and I had no car seat, so she said she would try to pack them in her car. She got home an hour later. I don't know why it took her so long to get home. I don't think she saw OM - was really just shopping.

Just as or before W got home D woke and was screaming. We worked for at least a half hour trying to get D to sleep - finally deciding to just put her in the crib and leave the room. That turned out to be the best strategy. So, I went to sleep at 3am again. I live on 4-5 hours sleep.

At least W was sleeping in my room.

-AD

No wonder you are screwing up at work! Sleep deprivation!

Started a separate thread under "Giving up?"

<small>[ May 16, 2003, 11:14 AM: Message edited by: A.M.Martin ]</small>

GLORY BE! My H telephoned today -- on something that wasn't even important or urgent. He hasn't telephoned in over a month. Mind you, the Black Widow answered the phone when I returned his message -- in her usual glum manner -- but still...

I was pleasant, cheery, slightly confused about the matter at hand about his computer(and some screw-ups for the car, I seem to be rather confused lately). No LBs. No nothing. We actually spoke for maybe 5 or 10 minutes.

Other than being trapped with him in a conversation two weeks ago by a well-meaning mutual friend, this is the only time we have spoken since he moved out.

A.D., I'm not sure what I'm doing even counts as a Plan A. It's so skimpy.

<small>[ May 17, 2003, 08:23 PM: Message edited by: A.M.Martin ]</small>

AD, I think it's great that you are doing your 100 day plan. I think that having a time bounded goal might be something I'd like to do too. I also like the idea of "accountability" of actually recording things each day.

I usually just focus on the EN board, but if I remember, I'll come back here to this thread!

I've noticed in your posts, that you are worried about performing well enough to keep your job, and that you are not doing what you should about weight. AD, these are easy things compared to the hard stuff you are already doing it. Are "building these things in" like you do the efforts to meet ENs?

You're saying that you aren't doing well at work... but this is under your control and you are already there, at the office. Can you start applying yourself, just for an hour at a time? Tomorrow, could you try to do your best for one hour in morning, and another hour in the afternoon? Just to see how it went?

Similarly, tomorrow, could you make a point of drinking at least 8 glasses of water, and walk a half mile, briskly? Just for one day?

You are making great efforts on your Plan A... and it says so much for you! I'm just wondering if you can start incorporating some small steps in the areas of career, and fitness?