It has been awhile since I have posted here, My H and I are 10 months into recovery after his affair, at first I thought that this was an eye opener and that things would only get better for us, but it has just been the opposite, He thinks I should already be over it and trust him again, but I don't trust him at all not even a little, we have overcome alot and we are closer in some ways, but it is like we are stuck in a rut and can't seem to get out, all I want is to be able to trust him again and believe the things he tells me, I suspect everything and I will not let my guard down for anything, this past year has been pure hell and I want it to be over, somehow now everything that we argue about is my fault because I can't get over this, because I can't trust him, he thinks that since he is doing things right finally that everything should be okay, but it doesn't work that way and I can't seem to get him to understand that, If anyone has any suggestions to any of this please feel free, I feel like I'm losing everything that I have fought so hard for.

We are only a month into recovery and my W is trying the same things. She thinks that she made a mistake and that should be the end of it. I don't want to dwell on anything, and I am not trying to make her feel guilty for cheating. I think all I want is for her to acknowledge the fact that she hurt me deeply and that she has to work at this too. Nothing was done to her, she may be feeling some pain, but it was brought on by her own actions. I told her that there arwe going to be triggers that will set me off, but I will tell her what those are if I know in advance. I asked her to acknowledge my pain and in return I would do my best not to dwell. I catch myself biting my tongue a lot, but trust me it is better if you can not get angry. The hardest time for me was at night. Things would go through my head and I couldn't sleep. I went to see my Dr and he took care of that for me. Good luck to you, and try to feel better.

txgirl3,<P>My wife and I are 16 months into recovery after her affair. I know exactly how you feel. I do trust my wife some, but I still suspect everything. But I will tell you one thing, I used to cry atleast two to three times a week, was depressed for days but somewhere around 11 to 13 months I stopped. I don't get depressed as often, I don't cry very much at all anymore. People say time heals all wounds, well I have to agree with them. I don't think there will ever be a day that i don't think about what she did, but when I do think of it, I don't hurt as bad.<P>I think one thing we both need to do is to be open and honest with each other without causing an argument.<P>One thing my wife and I have a problem with is that I am scared of her and she's afraid that I will leave her. We need to get past that kind of thinking, move on, learn and grow from the past. No matter how hard I've tried, I can't change the past, I need to move on, she needs to move on and we need to move on together.<P>It can and it will get better. If both you and your husband want it to work and work at it, it will get better.<p>[This message has been edited by Hopefull (edited September 14, 1999).]

Hi txgirl3<P>At some point you need to just let go. I find it hard at times but it mixed feelings from trust and wanting acknowledgement of the pain W has caused me. I feel so good when W goes out and calls before leaving wherever she is at. After many times of W being on her own I feel more secure. It is now at a point where I had to take a chance and just not care. My life is too important to think about where W is and who W is with. If W is going to cheat then really how can I stop it other than meeting her needs. Just keep your eyes and heart open and let go. If your H is going to cheat even though you are meeting his needs then there's nothing you can do. Dwelling on the trust issue is too hard to handle and degrade your life. Either keep the H and trust him or get rid of the H because there's no spouse worth keeping if you can't trust them at some point.<P>Good Luck<BR>_____________________________________________<BR>"Better to die on your feet than live on your knees"

txgirl<BR>I have been trying to look at things in a different perspective. I don't even spend too much time anymore thinking about whether or not I trust H. I probably don't and shouldn't. <BR>What I want more than anything is to feel safe. This is what I talk to him about.<BR>trusting is something I do. Safe is something I feel. So I concentrate on the feeling. Make sense? I'm tired tonight so I know what I'm trying to say but I'm not sure if it's coming out right.<BR>If I can feel safe then I hope the trust will come. It's a lot easier for him to make me feel safe than it is for him to make me trust him. Trust and safety are very closely related but I think one is easier to get to.