PS –
WW is really cool and detached now. Like the whole thing is an out-of-body (or rather: out-of-mind) experience for her, and she is just an innocent, accidental bystander to it, being a bit bored and only slightly interested by what she sees.
She wants us to have a civil, kind, friendly relationship – as if nothing happened, as if we are to separate by mutual agreement, as if that’s most natural thing on earth. She really can’t understand why it’s so tough on my and why I just can’t “accept it and get over it”. Like in the classic line of “why can’t we just be friends”. She wants me to feel guilty if I don’t do like she wants (“stop bullying me”, “can’t you see, it’s for the best of our child”, “if there isn’t any love between us, that doesn’t mean we need to destroy each other”). Even more – I think she is afraid of and wants to deny my feelings (which are an intense mixture of hurt, sadness, anger, frustration) and doesn’t give a toss about it – hell no, why should she? She’s got nothing to do with it, doesn’t she, nothing at all.
She sees our story like: we’ve grown apart, it’s not her fault, it’s not my fault, their simply wasn’t enough love, she couldn’t give me what I needed and I couldn’t give her what she needed. So, why keep up the façade? We’re still young, able to make a fresh start, and oh, it’s very tough on her too, you know. Have a nice life, thank you very much, and good-bye.
I just have immense problems following that logic and buying into it. I keep on re-iterating and protesting: It’s NOT what I want. NO. I DONT want to separate but I have to, otherwise it will grind me down completely. I could forgive her affair (if she would show a bit of remorse, and would be earnest in dropping contact and starting to be honest), but I can’t forgive her for destroying our family, and certainly not for her continuing to choose him over me. Never.
Sorry for the rambling. Hopefully I’ll get better once I shack up at my new (own) place – another week or so….. counting down…..
