I have been thinking about to post this for days now... I don't know you, but what I want is...

Start having fun again, since dday my life have been a constant pain.

Hope for weekends as I used to hope, not for work days as today just to keep me busy.

Stop this nightmare once and for all... like waking up and realize this is the worst dream I had.

Been loved again and cared.

That my mind stop thinking about this issue and stop overthinking ALL and all over again.

Not to feel lonely.

That each day would be different not the same boring one and have hopes.

Forget H and the 9 years we been together.

Turn off the switch that says pain, hurt, anger.

To be able to trust someone again.

That my friends where here.

Enjoy the things that I used to enjoy.

Not to cry while I post this.

Fullfill my dream some day (family).

In short be a persona again, not this hurt zombie I turned out...

<small>[ May 07, 2003, 03:42 PM: Message edited by: matilde ]</small>

Matilde
You express your aspirations beautifully. I too would like the same. I only disagree on forgetting about the 20 years I have been with WW, they were a different, happier time.
I pray we all can be really happy again. We need to work on ourselves first by learning to be ourselves and not requiring someone else to make us happy. Reading the posts on this site I know it will happen.
NS

dear matilde-time will heal you. lots, and lots, of time. i didnt think it would ever happen for me, but it has. not perfect, but much better. i know the pain you speak of---i no longer feel it 24/7. only once in awhile. but it took alot of time. be patient and work on you--hang in there

What do I want??

A bag of those Salsa Rio flavored Doritos and a six pack of ICE COLD Ruby Mountain Pale Ale's...

But they don't make the chips anymore, and I don't live in central Nevada, so I can't readily get a hold of Ruby Mountain...

So, I'll take my M back! Got a lot to fix first, but that's what I think I want the most.

-2long

matilde,

Knowing what you want is the first step of self healing then you are ready to move on w/ or w/o H. WH becomes the passenger not the driver.

-rh-

(((matilde)))

Awwh, honey, this makes me sad to read.

You don't know it, but you are making great progress. You are growing and getting stronger!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> That my friends where here. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'm sorry you are lonely. I wish you were closer. But, then again, you would probably think I'm too old to hang out with! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Keep your chin up! I'm here at least, if you need me. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Suz <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

<small>[ May 07, 2003, 05:23 PM: Message edited by: Susan ]</small>

Newsunrise

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> You express your aspirations beautifully. I too would like the same. I only disagree on forgetting about the 20 years I have been with WW, they were a different, happier time </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well here there where also, I said that because although I know our past is something that shapes us in what we are today, it's too painfull to remember now.

Nikko

I know time will heal, even if I don't do nothing it will. I just have to practice patience a lot.

2long

A regular bag of them and a 6 pack of Bud's might do hehehe, products are not eternal. I guess I want the same of you my M back but seems today that I'm not going to get it. I TRULY wish you better luck than mine.

Redhat

Maybe you are right, the problem is that some of the things that I want are not into my control to have them <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> , I whish they where but they are not.

Susan

I still don't know if I'm making progress or convincing myself on that (there is a difference right?).
Either way I'm not willing to make and walk my life again in sand or muddy basement.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I'm sorry you are lonely. I wish you were closer. But, then again, you would probably think I'm too old to hang out with! </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I know you do, I wish many things now... And Suz you are not too old to hang, also you are more fun that a lot of my contemporany friends, so if age is a problem for you is not for me.

Thanks I will try to chin up, and again thank you for always being there.

I just wait for the day to be able to help people here aso much as you all have helped me, but I know I'm learning right now and sometimes can not give the best advice. I would love payback time when and if I get better.

Thank you all

And I will also would like to know what you all want.

<small>[ May 08, 2003, 11:45 AM: Message edited by: matilde ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by matilde:
<strong>Redhat

Maybe you are right, the problem is that some of the things that I want are not into my control to have them <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> , I whish they where but they are not.

And I will also would like to know what you all want.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Isn't life wonderfull ?. If it is not worth getting it is nor worth keeping let alone persuing <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> . We do our best ... we try, we adapt, we get some, we loose some ... but the harder to get it the more precious it become <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> . Hmmm must be from Tsing Tao I drink during lunch... LOL !. Anyway what do I want ? .... I want a lady that will take my love for her and treasure it <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> and definitly not my exW <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> ... I want to retire before I am hitting 55 yr and enjoy my living with her. Before Dv it is possible but I have to restart where my settlement is going to be <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> ... property is already cut in half. However I am still in limbo ... Emotionally, I am ready for new R but financially I still have some bagages from Dv. So I am livin like a naughty bachelor <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" /> and wait&see what the judge decides this May 21 (my court date).

-rh-

Matilde,

I remember a couple of years ago (wow....) here @ MB we had a thread similar to yours. At that time (was only about 6 months after d/d) I posted that I wanted to be swept off my feet and NOT with a broom.

Shortly after that H2Y was kind enough to send me on a trip to a lovely island where he threw a beautiful BBQ and served up a maitai for me on the beach. All here on MB. It left a pleasant memory and really helped me threw that moment of crisis.

Even though I never left the house for a minute, I knew that I was in the company of those who cared. The WS was out in la la fantasy land and far away from meeting any of my needs.

So I just wanted you to know that I know how you feel and let you know that I wish happiness for you. It is within your grasp.... just not always the kind of happiness or the way we expect.

take care,
L.

redhat
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I want a lady that will take my love for her and treasure it and definitly not my exW ... I want to retire before I am hitting 55 yr and enjoy my living with her. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I truly hope your dreams com true on that, I don't know your story since I'm rather new here, but I presume you have learned a lot from here and next time you'll be wiser in picking up a lady and you will know better how to work a relationship and what to expect from it. From me redhat I wish you the best...

Orchid

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Even though I never left the house for a minute, I knew that I was in the company of those who cared. The WS was out in la la fantasy land and far away from meeting any of my needs.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well this seems to be my situation right now, sadly but true and I'm slowly recovering myself. I didn't ask for this and although I beated myself much for this now I know it was his choice and I'm sarting to have doubts on if I want to keep M. Anyhow not like before that is for sure and H don't want that also, difference is I'm doing my best to address my issues and he is still evading so I'm not taking anymore of his BS...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Even though I never left the house for a minute, I knew that I was in the company of those who cared. The WS was out in la la fantasy land and far away from meeting any of my needs.

So I just wanted you to know that I know how you feel and let you know that I wish happiness for you. It is within your grasp.... just not always the kind of happiness or the way we expect.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I withdreww so much from family and friends I'm getting closer again and know they care for me... maybe I was at a stage that couldn't beleive anyone would love me... WOW how messy this can be right?

I'm looking for that happyness I just hope I'm not making myself wrong espectations and try to be calmer... Thank you for caring....

How about more ppl posting what they want?

M~

I'm way late in reading your post. I'm sorry you're hurting so much.

((((((((((Matilde))))))))))

K

Matilde

I hope today you are doing a bit better.

You said such kind lovely words to me, and then I read about your pain, and I wonder how any of us (me included some time ago), could do such terrible things. I hope that whatever happens between you and your H, he will come to realise that his choices and actions are those of a selfish cruel man, one who needs to turn himself inside out, whether or not you have a future.

But Matilde, only he can do that, make that choice. But you, well you can look at yourself and do things for you, be the best you ever. And what are you doing to help through the dark days? Are you taking care of yourself, exercise, good diet, sleeping?

You ask what other people want, and I can say, I truly want the same things as you. We all have that right. Do you know, I sometimes think that for me, it was harder coming to terms being the WS than it was the BS? I too withdraw from people - didn't want to talk to people who didn't know what had happened. But it does and will change with time. Believe me it does get easier.

Take care of yourself.

Lisa

Lisa in London

I still want those things, some of them will become true in my life again I know, just not now but I have faith.

I'm much better I think. I'm working on myself and trying to get away from H as much as I can.

Right this moment he doesn't do me any good, and although I know I was wrong in many things, I know deep in my heart and in my mind that yes we had many issues, but I always talked them over, yes we didn't fix it at the right time (didn't know at the time on how to and didn't looked for help) but ultimately I kept and stick to my vows, my moral grounds, in the things I beleived and my values.

Maybe the day will come that I'm going to be gifted again for that, maybe it will never come, only God can tell, but I stoped beating myself up for this and although I know I also did some wrong, the thing that keeps poping up in my mind and in my heart is that I could never did and will not do harm in a concious way to anybody.

If I was not good enough for H, and for him to remain faithful even after dday, and he think this M or I'm not worth fighting, that is his problem. In the mean time I'm working in myself and trying to be a better person.

Thank you Lisa and I hope that in time you find peace.