I hope that some of you can forward your feedback on that question to the thread on the recovery board titled To BS's, did you fantasize about having a revenge A? by SecretSquirrel in which he made the following comment:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>"I'm angry that my W had her jollies, and I can't."</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Did your A bring you 'jollies' or emotional turmoil?

I don't really need your answers, but he most certainly does.

Thanks.

since I am a FWS, I'll post here about my experiences. First, it was an EA, never got physical (except in my fantasies). I would say that my experiences were a mix of good and bad. Good because I had re-connected with an old friend from high school, good because we managed to clear a lot of air between us over a fight that lead to our parting ways some 20 years ago, good because he and I had the type of friendship that we could say anything to each other without reprisal. We were always totally honest with each other about everything from "does this make me look fat" to brutal honesty about our other shortcomings. Initially during our first few meetings, I just reveled in the fact that I could still count on him as a friend. It was when I was away from him that my thoughts would turn to other *things*. Without going into a lot of detail, I will admit that I realized something about my feelings for him that I didn't want to admit some 20 years ago--that I cared for him and loved him deeply. When I made that realization, then I knew I was cooked. I tried to treat it non-chalantly by telling myself that it was just my ego trying to feed some old fantasy, that it was all on my part, not his. But then, in one of our moments of brutal honesty, he told me he still loved me, had always loved me, and loved me even more as a woman (who'd had 2 children and packed on the pounds) than as a school girl. Well, then things went into a tailspin for me. Here I was married, mother of two, and yes, I loved (and still love) my husband, and then I also had feelings for another man, not my husband. My fantasy wheels went into overdrive at this point. I knew it was wrong. I knew I couldn't be with two men at the same time. I knew I didn't have it in me to break my moral code and sleep w/ him, no matter how strong I felt about this old/new boyfriend. I also knew I couldn't break the heart of my husband and our families. I made the (alcohol-induced) decision that I had to end it w/ him (OM). My only reasoning that stuck w/ me was that he and I managed to get thru life without each other this far, we could continue to do so. So, I met him one last time, and told him that we had to step back from this situation, that it was too full of fire for both of us, and we couldn't afford to get burned by this. He reluctantly agreed. He and I knew it was the right thing to do. He didn't want to be the cause of the demise of my marriage, and I knew that if I went to be w/ him our relationship would collapse under the weight of my guilt at how it all started (or re-started).
So, I try to follow the old saying of "don't cry because it ended, smile because it happened and carry the lesson with you."

JobieMom.

I think that many of us BS's beleive, like SecretSquirrel, that it was all fun and games for the WS and we don't realize that is not simply the case.

Thank you for sharing your story with me JobieMom.

<small>[ May 09, 2003, 09:20 AM: Message edited by: T00MuchCoffeeMan ]</small>

Also a FWS, I can say it was THE STUPIDEST THING I EVER DID..... in a life rather frequently punctuated by stupidity.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Fun? Yeah, right..... maybe in a sick and twisted way, but 7 years later all I remember is the pain and the emptiness I was trying unsucessfully to fill. The guilt? Now that never leaves.....

C

wow that is really close to me what happened. ok now no pa. ea well its hard for me to say that people dont have ea's more often. i think they do they just dont tell or get caught. while i believe it was wrong to a certain degree!! i didnt wanna sleep with them nor did i. so why ha smy wife deciced that this hurt is beyond mending and is leaving? or she just wanted out.

Cerri I'm so glad you chimed in. Now if you could possibly set SecretSquirrel straight, I think he may change his mind that there is a very high price to pay for having your 'jollies' as he puts it.

<whining> can't you just send him here to read what I wrote..... <more whining>

Ok fine.... but do I need to go to EN?? Am I gonna have to fight and argue and explain?? <sigh>

You know the real penance for having an affair??? Becoming obessessed with restoring marriages and preventing new affairs!!! LOL <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Ok I gotta answer two more pressing emails and then I'll try to get back here.... but don't start in on me about the NL!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

C

Thanks cerri, the Goddess will be pleased.

The jollies my husband recieved during the affair.

weight loss
stress related back pain, and sciatica
Sleep disturbances
anger.
drastically lowered work performance
dope addiction.. so he could sleep and apparently function better ( see above)

And the jollies now

A fear Im just gunna pack up and walk
guilt
shame
a sense of worthlessness
a sense of being a failure

As hard as I try to comfort him he suffers incredibly for his deeds of the past. I wish there was more I could do for him.
I leapfrogged him a few months ago on recovery....I hope he can soon start his own self forgiveness.

Dino

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by T00MuchCoffeeMan:
<strong>Thanks cerri, the Goddess will be pleased.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Oh, very good...... sucking up will get you anything.... LOL....

Alright, been there, posted.... writing now overdue NL... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

C