Hi Friends

I had said I would no longer post as I felt that I had reached a point where there was little to say- yet I find myself wanting to let those who have walked this journey with me know where I am at now.

Last weekend I received the date for my decree nisi to be heard in court- 23rd May- so unless a miracle was to occur the dv will be absolute around July 14th.

Then yesterday I had the visit from the fostering people to assess me and the family for fostering. I have been turned down as a possible foster parent. The agency felt that while I have all the necessary experience and strengths for the task, as the pivotal parent with my children it would be wrong to introduce other children who are hurting and possibly disruptive into the family at this time. I can see their point and have accepted it. They did commend me for the way I have my own children through the last 2 years- which helped a great deal.

Then last night I heard that my dear friend had finally succumbed to the cancer. I will miss her, even though I now live more than 200 miles from her but I also know she is at peace and pain free at last.

Today my h came to spend time with the children and for the first time since Christmas we spent time together as a family. It reminded me why i had stopped doing so. There is still such a strong connection between us and I find it hard just being friends. I thought the hurt and pain had ended but I realise it is still there to surface at such times. I have just emailed him with some extra information about our friends passing and her faith , and posed some questions for him to answer for himself about his own position before God. I have no idea whether they will help but felt very strongly led to do it. Time will only tell and it may be in eternity when I learn of the outcome!!

I hope all my friends here are well.

Jante

Dear Jante

I am sorry that your experiences are not so positive currently. As we both know my Nisi will be following on closely behind yours. It is a very hard time, especially as you feel that you were led to that place rather than wanting to go there. I understand totally about "being friends" - I have plenty of friends, I wanted an H.

With all this, the fostering news, and on top of that the death of a beloved friend - well, no wonder you wanted to stop by here just to put some words down. I have always found it a place to say whatever you feel or want, and that in itself can be of value.

Take care of yourself for the rest of this weekend. Are you planning anything for tomorrow? If not perhaps you should. Perhaps you should celebrate the life of your friend.

Thinking of you.

Lisa

Hi Jante,
For some reason, my fingers have an easy time typing that name.

Hi Friends I had said I would no longer post as I felt that I had reached a point where there was little to say- yet I find myself wanting to let those who have walked this journey with me know where I am at now.

Thanks for the update, it's good to hear where you are, and you can come back as often as you like. And just so you know, you were never boring.

Last weekend I received the date for my decree nisi to be heard in court- 23rd May- so unless a miracle was to occur the dv will be absolute around July 14th.
I am sad for you, I never thought this would happen, I am not sure now what those feelings meant. I am happy you will be free from the burden you have lived under these past two years. There's always more to this than I can find words for.

Then yesterday I had the visit from the fostering people to assess me and the family for fostering. I have been turned down as a possible foster parent. The agency felt that while I have all the necessary experience and strengths for the task, as the pivotal parent with my children it would be wrong to introduce other children who are hurting and possibly disruptive into the family at this time. I can see their point and have accepted it. They did commend me for the way I have my own children through the last 2 years- which helped a great deal.
I am not sure what to say - I believe you need more to do. If you had a H ( if T had never left) you would be doing many things for him still. You need to love, and serve others - did you realize that? Probably you do know it. Fostering would fill that need in you to help others. Look after your own sons, and lets see what happens for a year. You can stand it for that long.

Then last night I heard that my dear friend had finally succumbed to the cancer. I will miss her, even though I now live more than 200 miles from her but I also know she is at peace and pain free at last.
Someday you will see her again, and she won't have cancer then. You will be free from your pain too, if you continue doing what you know is right.

Today my h came to spend time with the children and for the first time since Christmas we spent time together as a family. It reminded me why i had stopped doing so. There is still such a strong connection between us and I find it hard just being friends. I thought the hurt and pain had ended but I realise it is still there to surface at such times. I have just emailed him with some extra information about our friends passing and her faith , and posed some questions for him to answer for himself about his own position before God. I have no idea whether they will help but felt very strongly led to do it. Time will only tell and it may be in eternity when I learn of the outcome!!

Continue to follow those feelings, I believe they come from God. We always do well to do as he leads us. I have no worries for you right now, but I continue to pray for you.

I hope all my friends here are well.
I can't speak for all the rest, but SS is well, and I hope Jante, C, A, and D are well.

SS

Hi

Well today is over and the decree nisi filed. As H didn't contest it it should be a clear run to the absolute- except that H is dragging his feet over settling the finances. I only want to get a decent amount of child support, particularly as my own income at the moment is uneven, and nothing like as much as he earns at its best. Hoever I will leave it to the solicitors to sort out. Off to my sisters tomorrow to party!! Should be a fun time.
I met with a work riend today who new me first when I was in the throes of misery and depression over the separation. She kept telling me how much better and happier I looked today and how pleased she was for me. It really cheered me up on a day which could have left me feeling low.

Jante

ps
SS The boys are also all doing well and seem to be enjoying life.

blessings to you and your children Jante...
enjoy the weekend...

hope you get to feel the warmth of the sun on your face...

ARK

Dear jante -

God bless you - I wish you well. Do the boys know about the significance of today? I don't think my mother shared that information with us when it happened. It's good to know that they have settled down and are doing well.

Thinking of you today.
LIR

Thanks Ark and LIR- had a lovely time at my sisters and will now spend the children's half term decorating their bedroom. I did challenge H about the financial disclosure, but in a very calm way - he looked sheepish and said he done some of it!! This is so typical of our M life that I realise how well clear I am of it.

Jante

Hi Jante,

I actually read your post on Friday, and I started to write back, but something stopped me, and I began to think back on your history. It is good to see some of your other friends post to you, still wonder about that somethimes.

I had hoped that something would come to me, but find no big posts in my head waiting to get out for you today.

I can see you living life the best you can each day. I can see you praying, I can see God smiling down on you, happy with your progress. I still think about you, and even worry some days. I still pray for you every day. I pray that you will continue to find you way in an ever darkening world. I pray that you will be happy, that you will find someone that will treat you like you ought to be treated. I pray for the boys, to be like their mother. I still pray for T, but it is hard to pray for him with much faith.

The world continues to be a very interesting place. Life hasn't slowed down any. I hope your sister was able to help you be happy - or happier. I believe you are happy most of the time.

SS

Hi SS and thanks for replying- its always good to hear from you.

I had a good time at my sisters, and yes I am happy most of the time. i have a few blips along the way- today being one of them. I snapped a A when he asked why I tried to do the decorating myself instead of getting a professional on. The wall paper wouldn't stick and I was feeling fraught!!! I pointed out we didn't have the money for things like that which upsety him- he said I'd never been bothered about money in last 2 years but was all the time now. Hes right- with no definite employment I do tend to be over cautious about spending what I have. I really want to get back to a place of being able to treat the children without panicking!!

I did get over it and thnigs have been fine since. Decided to give up on the papering- the base surface wasn't smooth enought to paper on, and am now painting it again!!


Hope you have had a good holiday w/e

Jante

I snapped a A when he asked why I tried to do the decorating myself instead of getting a professional on. The wall paper wouldn't stick and I was feeling fraught!!! I pointed out we didn't have the money for things like that which upsety him- he said I'd never been bothered about money in last 2 years but was all the time now. Hes right- with no definite employment I do tend to be over cautious about spending what I have.

Our children often give us great insight into how we can be better parents. I am thankful when my own will talk to me and be honest about how I am doing. Laura sat with me for about an hour and a half Sunday night and we talked about her future and about her worried and fears. I try to interview them one on one often, and I keep a journal of what we discuss. I plan on giving it to them when they have children of their own to look back on and I believe they will find it interesting and helpful. ( Laura is 18 and just graduated from High School, I should send you a picture.)

Just so you know, I don't think you need any help, because over and over I have seen you do the right thing, I am just relating things for ideas, in case you haven't tried some of this yet. When the kids have fears, or concerns, it usually takes me a while to know what to say. I often think about it for a day or two before I talk to them. I try and explain why I make my decisions as I do, ( or why their mother and I do it like we do.) I give the reasons, and the background so they have a good idea what I consider when I tell them yes, or no to something. I want them to have the same skills that I have - only much earlier in life.

Once we got out the money from the monopoly game and we put on the table the amount we make in a month. Then we divided it up in equal portions and gave a portion to each child.
They had lots of money and thought how nice it would be to spend the whole thing on whatever they wanted. After this, we had them each pay back a percentage of the house payment, utilities, food bill, and so on until the money was nearly gone. It was a real learning experience and they learned why I don't have money for everything they "want" each week. They enjoy the lights, the food, hot water, roof over head when it rains, and so on, but take little thought to the cost. It is good for them to see how it works. You can throw in some expenses for emergencies too, to make it more realistic. When the car breaks down, the money has to be there in the bank to pay the repair bill.

I try to give them enough information so they will understand what I am doing. I suspect A and D would understand, perhaps C is young still, but it couldn't hurt.

You are right to be careful with your money. Even if the boys disagree, you know what is best, and you have to do it the right way.

I really want to get back to a place of being able to treat the children without panicking!!
You can always let them choose - a very little money more often, or save it for a better treat later. It is hard for a mother to know the children want something, and not be able to give it to them. You know you would if you could. Please don't think it is somehow a failure on your part - you have done an amazing job of this, but you can't do everything.

I did get over it and things have been fine since. Decided to give up on the papering- the base surface wasn't smooth enought to paper on, and am now painting it again!!
I have never applied paper, but have painted quite a bit. I think I'll leave the papering to people with more skill, - people like you.

Hope you have had a good holiday w/e
We didn't do much because I worked Monday . I did visit my grandparents grave and leave flowers. I often think about what they did for me. They left me a very good name, and I hope I don't ruin it for those that come after me.
In the evening we had a family picnic and we had a good time with the girls. Your family is always invited, the boys would have had a good time. We drove an hour to the edge of a wilderness area in the mountains where there is a stream, and big pine trees. Even took the dog this time. Spencer got to drive on the dirt road part - he is young enough that he still likes to drive.

I said once that there is often much you don't say. Think about that sometime, when you have a minute or two. Did you feel close to T in the early years? Did you tell him everything, or did you hold some back? We are strangers, and you shouldn't talk about everything to us, but I hope you did share everything when married, and will again in the future. I think about you becoming almost a mother to your sisters, and it is lonely sometimes with no one your equal to share with. I wonder if there are things you can't talk about to your sisters, and your mother too. I don't want to get to personal, but I want you to think, so I ask questions. ( yet again.)

If you find yourself in love again someday ( and I think you will) don't' be afraid to share what is inside of you. I could say more, but perhaps I will leave you to think.

I never ask questions to be negative, only to help.
I hope I do help.

SS

<small>[ May 28, 2003, 03:02 PM: Message edited by: still seeking ]</small>

HI

My life has continued in much the same vein. some fraught moments with the children mainly over tv and computer time , but all came well in the end. had a long chat with A and C last night about how special they all were to me in their own individual ways, and also about whether I would be prepared to have their dad back if he asked. I said it would depend what he intended as I didn't want them hurt and upset again.

Today T came round to see the children. Before he left- when their were just the 2 of us in the room I did ask him if he was sure he wanted me to go ahead with the absolute- which he said he did. I then asked if their was anything i could have done differnt in the last 3 years would have made a difference. He said no as it was in his head and I wasn't to blame. End of conversation. no tears of begging on my part- just a quiet accepptence of what he said.

Well the day is coming closer when the divorce will be final and my future is uncharted water.

Jante

Jante,

If it any type of consolation, the scenario you wrote about in your last post was exactly what happened to me.

When all the anger had past, the 'revelation' was that I did not do anything to 'make the A' happen. He said I was a good W and even told the OW (which made her mad - LOL!!).

Then I told him to go ahead and get the D. So for all his 'supposed D work' (he really thought he had done a lot when in fact I had done more - me: visited lawyer, gone to courthouse met with family law court, got some of the docs, ordered the book - they were out of stock, etc..... WS: ordered the book and picked it up after OW gave him all the on-line quick D websites).

I so wanted this to be over and move on. Guess who started coming around and trying to hold me back. I remember even telling him to hurry up and leave.... he asked why? I said so I can go to bed.... I sleep much better now and look forward to getting a good nights sleep and maybe a few 'great' dreams. LOL!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> (always nice to put in a small dig).

So just to let you know, the ride is still going even when this stuff happens. It just gets a bit less bumpy and you can see light at the end of the tunnel. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

take care,
L.

Hi Jante,

I found myself wondering what you were up to and came by again. My thoughts have been along the lines of " am I helping her by comming round and saying Hi, or if she is trying to get off the boards, would it be better if I just stayed away?"

I haven't got a good answer, still thinking.

I had best go to sleep, I don't think well late at night. Wouldn't want a lecture anyway, on the evils of staying up late. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I keep praying that the teaching will continue, and that you will do well. I believe you will.

SS

Thanks for the prayers and the concern SS.

I still pop by to see how others are doing- but with no success to report find I have little to offer others in the way of encouragement.

I have a fullish week this week of teaching based on my previous job, and today one of the schools took my name to add to their supply list. That all helps to bring more work in.

My life seems to be in a holding pattern- i am finding it increasingly difficult to go to church from boredom when I am there, and so find it hard to encourage the children to come despite their own boredom!! Am praying and seeking to see if there is a church where we would fit in better.

Otherwise my life is fine- despite a broken down washing machine- am having to get a new one!!

I trust all is ell with your large family.

Jante

Decree nisi in the post this morning- soick feeling hit for a few minutes but I'm over it now. The end is in sight
Jante

Dear jante,

Just wanted to let you know I was thinking of you - I'm sorry for the pain this morning - do you think the boys are dealing with things reasonably well? I don't see that there was anything more you could have done, and if he doesn't even acknowledge the loss of his family, it is definitely his loss. I will pray for you that you find the spiritual guidance that you need. Thinking of you. I do understand about not coming back here to the forum too often - I also am trying to get on with my life in the real world, but like, you, I pop in to check up on people, although I don't always feel I have a lot to say. Just want you to know that if you need support here, that there are others still willing to listen.

Take care,

LIR

Hi J,
three boys can get clothing dirty quickly, and it's always a blow to the budget to have to make these large purchases. This would be a good time to show them why it is that you are careful with the money and don't treat them as much as you would like to do. New washing machines usually can't be planned for, but they are very nice to have around when needed!
I suspect you have already made good use of this teaching moment. I bet you have.

I think I have something for you too, but I am very slow getting back around lately. I need to look up some information and get back to you.

SS

<small>[ June 06, 2003, 01:10 AM: Message edited by: still seeking ]</small>

Jante,

I am sorry to hear of your pain. It comes through your typed words loud and clear. When I felt that kind of pain, one of the MBers here told me to do the following:

Put your left arm over your right shoulder and your right arm over your left shoulder, now squeeze your 2 shoulders.

That's a cyber hug from me to U. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

take care,
L.

HI

LIR, good to hear from you again. thanks for your support.

SS looking forward to what ever it is you have to share with me. The boys hardlky noticed the apearence of the new washing machine, and I must admit it all happened so quickly I doidn't say anything. However have had A woking for extra cash he wantedthis week rather than just giving it to him . D already is working off a fairly large sum he borrowed for his bike. I believe its good for them to start to learn the value of money by earning it.

Orchid, lovely to hear from you, you were the very first person to post to me over a year ago when I came here looking for help. thanks for the hug. The pain is diminishing daily.

Jante

HI all
Why is it when you think you are all sorted- the healing process is going along nicely and your new life beckons, do you find yourself feeling kicked again?

This is nothing that my H has done new, just the reverbarations of the past. Yesterday I had signed up to go on a course for work. Its title- Children's experience of Dv. I thought I was ready to handle it and that it would help both in my work and as a parent to understand what my children had gone through. It was supposed to be an all day course. I lasted an hour and then had to walk out. I feel like someone has kicked me in the stomach. It's not anything particular that was said , just the raising of memories which I thought had gone. I had to decide what to do with the day rather than spend it here at home as my ex had turned up to spend the day with the children. I just couldn't face him on top of everything else. I may well have lost it with him which is the last thing I wanted to do.

Instead I rang a good riend , had a lovely chat which lifted my spirits and then took myself to a lovely old town for coffee and an explore, then of into the derbyshire countryside for a walk.
It was great.
Feeling better today.
Jante