My poor daughter asked my MIL tonight what she thinks of what her son is doing?
MIL told her, I have thoughts, but won't share them with you, and when you are older, you will know why your dad did everything he did.
Like, me, the mother/wife made him.

I will be the first to say, I could have been a better wife. I have told anyone who would listen that, including my H. But, ADULTERY??!

This woman has preached to me for 18 years, and to my daughters since they were old enough to talk. And she is condoning what he is doing?
He has had two affairs that I know of, and had a over night guest at his mothers home two weekends ago. And this is my fault???

I'm a little upset.
My poor daughter (12) is trying so hard to understand why her dad has left.
I don't understand why this has happened, and her adult, born again Christian grandmother says, when you are older, you will understand why your dad has done everything he has done.

Does anyone have in-law problems? I know it's natural for parents to take their childrens side, but this is a little too far.

Thanks for letting me vent!
KEB

KEB,
I did not tell my family about my Wh's affair for months. He told his parents immediately. This is because he never really learned to leave them and cleave to me. He wanted help from them. Well he got it. I talked to his mother and after about 10 minutes she told me "well, you did make him walk on eggshells..." Ouch. Her son has just confessed adultery with a married woman with a small child, that he knew for 3 weeks, and I made him walk on eggshells. Yes, maybe I did. But he did many things too, and I felt that my needs were not met any more than his were. And I have learned through this that only Christ can meet all our needs, and to depend on another person solely to do that, you will be disappointed. However, nothing I did MADE my WH go outside our marriage. When he moved out and in with his parents his mom did his laundry, bought him clothes, cooked, took his car that I wanted him to sell since he had sex with her in it, and spent $300 of her money for it to be serviced, etc etc etc. She never attempted to contact me in any way to see how I was doing, and neither did his dad. His dad was kind and made it clear that WH was responsible for his actions, not me, but he didn't try to help me either. Knowing that my family did not know and I was in a house alone dealing with everything that happened, plus the responsibilities. It was totally devastating to me and I have had to really work on forgiving them and moving on. His 31 year old sister lives at home with no goal of leaving- why should she? She has also never attempted to contact me. I know that blood is thicker than anything else and I don't expect them to disown their son, but I did think that they would show more love or concern for me- and when the going got tough they got going just like he did. It hurts...but I will make it through that just like I do everything. God is my ultimate Father and my parents love me, so my in-laws just disappointed me greatly, but I can't let that past affect my life forever...I think in your situation it is tougher since you have a child who is having to listen to a grandmother who is teaching her the wrong things about marriage, in her own actions and words.

I think it was WAT that posted here once.??

Blood is thicker than mud

and its very true.. take no heed of your MIL.. though I would suggest you calmly ask her not to interfere in your marital problems and that it is not her place even if asked by your children to give her take on the situation... her job is grandma.

and thats it! Love her grandkiddies all she wants all she needs to , but she has no right to place judgement on you especially around your own children... no matter what.

Dino

<small>[ May 11, 2003, 09:27 PM: Message edited by: dinotopia ]</small>

KEB,

Maybe you read too much into this. Maybe MIL is just trying to say that it's innappropriate for her to try to explain it to your D at her age.

Probably, when she is older D will understand ... that her father did all that because he was selfish. Maybe she will "understand" more than that - that all men are unreliable and they will cheat if they get the chance. It would be a pity if she comes to that conclusion.

-AD

KEB, I have had in-law problems all our marriage. In fact, it was these issues and WH avoiding confronting them that set the stage for his A.

His mom started it all when i became pregnant at 18. She wanted me to have an abortion. I kept baby. From then on, she tried to be very heavily involved with our kids/H while rejecting me. H never stood up to her,but he often accused me of 'being awkward' when i didn't do as she wanted.

When i told her about WH A, she spoke to my H. She said, "it takes two," and, "it's not what i wanted AS SUCH," She always told H our M wouldn't work, so i think was secretly pleased this had happened. She offered H to go round and 'talk' on his own. Usually, in past, that meant she would try persuade him to do what she wanted.

My H left for a week on dday (to a friends) but we have been in recovery since. At counseling, H learnt about his controling parents. He saw more clearly through nearly loosing me how he had treated me. He has stood up to her since. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

You're MIL was well out of order what she said to your DD. It was not her place to make any such comment. Tell her firmly that you will handle any Qs from DD not HER.

I'm sorry about your situation. It's so sad when grown men act like momma's little baby <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />
I always recommend 'toxic in laws' by susan forward. It gives some great tips on confrontation, even without spouses support.

I hope things improve for you, take care, ad x

Yes, The worst kind. My MIL told my husband to divorce me when I was pregnant with my second child.(I was very ill at the time-Gee whiz, I wonder why?????) She told him I trapped him with this second pregnancy. (If I would of been THAT smart, I wouldnt of even married into this family in the first place.) It seemed my MIL hated children. I think thats why we only had two. I always wanted more. Everything my husband thinks, feels and does, seems to be handed down from what his mother thinks, feels and does. (no touching allow, dont have children, if you have a problem with your body, get it cut out..etc. etc. etc.)

Stop the world, I want to get off.

okay...bad memories here. I have to get back on track.....

I love my husband, I love my husband, I love my husband. He cant help it, He cant help it,
He cant help it. There, that should do it........................UGH!

I am going to change, I am going to change, I am going to change. No longer need to believe lies. Onwards with my life.

Hang in there.....

deleted/repeated <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

<small>[ May 12, 2003, 05:30 PM: Message edited by: gina_in_love ]</small>

good grief! 3 times! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

<small>[ May 12, 2003, 05:28 PM: Message edited by: gina_in_love ]</small>

My Ex MIL sends out a hideous little Christmas letter every year. I say hideous because if it doesn't belong in her XMAS letter, it is taboo to talk about any other time or place.

Essentially, my XW comes from a family where any topic that is emotional or involves interpersonal relationships is to be shunned. They are the most dysfunctional family I have ever known, but if you read her XMAS letter, "everything is fine and great and everyone is doing soooooo well".

When Ex SIL's husband cheated on XW's sister, the XMAS letter said, "Ken decided to leave the family". I haven't seen a XMAS letter since our breakup, but I'm sure it didn't say, "XW decided to break up her family".

Basically, the family of the side that cheated, their $h!+ doesn't smell.

This has been very difficult to get used to, particularly from a family that loves to talk about everyone's woes outside of their family.

Keb I'm with AD, maybe your reading too much into what she said. Maybe it was all taken out of context.

Of course I'm one of the lucky ones. My MIL is my best friend and the whole family supports me, so my perpective is that of "half-full".

In either case don't let her engage you. You know the truth! And besides is the ENTIRE truth a burden you want your kids to carry around? Maybe when they're adults but not now.

I have an irritating SIL. She has this </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'm better than you</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">attitude. When my son was being potty trained we had a hard time. He would go pee in the potty, but would crap all over the place. He was 4 at this time. She suggested we stop spanking him and maybe he'd go. Um, I never told her I spanked him and I don't know to this day why she made that assumption. I could care less, but I have this thing where I cannot stand anyone to tell me how to raise or give me advice on raising my son when they have no kids. . I like at least for the person to have some experience.

The other annoying thing she does is she'll ask us to help her with something. And you better not be lagging, it's got to be able to get there RIGHT NOW. We ask her to sit for us or help us with something, we have to wait a week for a response or answer. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

I finally got fed up after she had called my H, (her brother) to come and break up a fight between her H and herself for the fourth time. I told him he couldn't do it anymore because
1. it was dangerous! Cops don't go into a house where there is a domestic fight, what makes you think you are super natural <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> ? and
2. she can't come running for us at the drop of a hat, so let her solve her own problems.
Fee

I most definitely have problems with my IL's! GRRR!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

During my M with their son, we separated on numerous occassions. He was always the one who left, and my IL's were always there to help me out.

THIS time, I was the one who left (for an abused women's shelter actually), and I turned in some child porn cd's I found to the police (and H was arrested, and the trial is pending... it won't be until spring 2004).

And now my IL's are being ignorant and rude to me. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

What makes me the most mad about it, is they have specifically told me that they want to NOT get involved in our situation... yet they turned around and volunteered to be the VISITATION SUPERVISORS for the boys!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> If THAT isn't getting involved, then I sure as he!! don't know what is!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

I"m doing my best to grin and bear it in front of the IL's and my boys. However, whenever i get the chance to vent about them on here or in counselling, I still jump at the chance. I want it, and them, out of my system.. but so far, it's not gone yet. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Karen

I appreciate all your replies.
I have also read that, that blood is thicker than mud.
I don't expect my MIL to take up for me, but, you would think morales would fall in there somewhere.
She is so thrilled that my H is so happy. She sees him smiling, and living it up. Well, yeah. He is 40, has a house and an SUV, two daughters to boot. He is now living with a 22 year old guy, with a 27 year old girl friend, and no repsonsibilities. Of course he is smiling and happy.
I would really like to believe that she had good intentions behind the comment, but, I have been married to him for 18 years. I have never felt the warm and fuzzy from her. She has 3 boys, and not one of us DIL's measure up to mom!
We have all disappointed her somewhere along the line. If we would all step aside, and let her take over our homes, it would be much better.

Thank you again for your posts.
Its comforting to know I'm not alone.
KEB

oops...I tried to reply to your post but I don't know where it went! I think I may have done a poll by accident!

Anyway, here goes:

To the MIL I would say, "He did what he did because he lives in spiritual darkness" That should shut her up.

I am a born again Chrsitian as well--and I can't imagine that she would condone his behavior--no matter what kind of wife you were. Please don't blame yourself or allow her to blame you. Christianity teaches that we are all responsible for our own behaviors--this includes her son.

I think it's real important for you to let your daughter know that you disagree with your MIL. She needs to know that different people have different values. If you want your daughter to embrace your values, you have to tell her what your values are and you have to tell her what you disagree with.

I have severe problems with my in-laws. But--I make sure my kids (15&12) know why I disagree with their behavior. It has opened the door to many discussions and eased my stress level a lot. This is a great opportunity to show your kids that you can disagree with someone and still love them.

Good luck to you and all of my well wishes.

Thanks Allforone!

I have let her know that I don't agree with MIL, for sure.
That is good, that he is in Spiritual Darkness, because he truly is.
He had great passion for religion once, but that has been long ago.
He is a new man since that time.
This is not the man I fell in love with.
Something has taken over inside him, and it's not good, or Godly.

I do appreciate your help.
I don't want to bad mouth my MIL, but I do feel my MIL is and has been out of line more than once where my children are concerned.

Tell me this, what do you make of this behavior?
This is from a woman, who every chance she gets wants to discuss who is saved, and who is not, as if she is the judge by behavior.
She has a pool.
When the grand kids come to her home in the summer, she encourages them (same sexed ones) to go skinny dipping together. My D's are 12, and 8.
I have a real problem with this. My H has not, but I think I have made a point with him about this.

Thanks,
KEB

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by KEB1205:
<strong>This is from a woman, who every chance she gets wants to discuss who is saved, and who is not, as if she is the judge by behavior.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I've thought about my own situation, and how my MIL would think of me if I were NOT her DIL. And I know for a fact, that she would be impressed at the strength of the mother (me), to remove the children from such an abusive situation.

However, since she is so involved, she cannot see the forest through the trees. I am not just "some mother", I am THE mother to HER grandchildren, and stbxW of HER son.

Most likely, my MIL just can't bear to deal with it, and CHOOSES to stick her head in the sand, as the ostrich does. I would bet that your MIL is doing the same thing.

I had a neighbour friend say something to me on the weekend which helped me understand my MIL's anger (and disrespect) towards me, more clearly. She suggested, that in MIL's mind, HER son was NOT "this way" when he lived with her. She did NOT raise such a vile person. However, he became such a person after being with ME for 7 years. Therefore, her "logic" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> is that it was ME who caused him to be the way he is!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Strangely enough, thinking of it that way, really helps me feel more at ease over her behaviours. I hope it might help you too.

Karen

When my H told me about his A (at his mothers house), SHE was the one who held me up and let me cry! She told me she would never abandon her son, but she would always be there for me and my kids... and she has been. My H and I are in recovery, and my MIL has been a big help to us. She went from being my MIL, to being my friend. She let me vent and cry, and told me that any decision I made was ok with her, and she would support my decision. I was not able to get support from my own family, so everything she gave me meant soooo much more!!!

Although she loves her son, she was able to see that what he did was WRONG!!! And when push came to shove, she showed her true colors, which are bright and beautiful!

I'm sorry that your MIL can't be the same way.

-mcnyh

I had a neighbour friend say something to me on the weekend which helped me understand my MIL's anger (and disrespect) towards me, more clearly. She suggested, that in MIL's mind, HER son was NOT "this way" when he lived with her. She did NOT raise such a vile person. However, he became such a person after being with ME for 7 years. Therefore, her "logic" is that it was ME who caused him to be the way he is!!!


Thanks for posting this. I think my MIL probably feels this way.

KEB1205,

I feel for you, I really do because my in-laws have been known to want to make a person jump from tall buildings!

But I have to tell you... one of the biggest steps toward self discovery I ever made was asking my MIL what she thought about our M. What I got was the truth. And one of the most important realizations I ever made was this...

The A was HIS fault. Period.

The state of our M was OUR fault.

I had to admit that I had done some things although not adultery, that made my H feel less than secure, less that a man, etc. I had failed to meet his emotional needs. I rationalized that by saying, "I didn't know... you never said anything.... blah...blah...blah". In reality, why should he have had to tell me to get better with the money, to take better care of myself, to be just a bit NICER to him? I should have known better, right? On the flip sid ehe carried on his A fully aware that what he was doing was wrong.

The truth is that we both had our eyes wide shut. And it wasn't until I asked my MIL for her opinion (woman to woman) that I was able to get a version of the truth from someone outside the box.

I DO NOT AGREE that she should be discussing this with you 12 year old. She has ENOUGH on her innocent little mind, and should be hearing from others that this is in fact between you and your H, that it's not her fault, and that her Dad loves her, even if he has a bad way of showing it right now.

IN HER DEFENSE, HOWEVER,

CONT...

(SORRY...STICKY FINGERS!)

In your MIL's defense I do agree that your daughter will one day understand (maybe not agree with) your H's actions. She maybe trying to encourage a spirit of forgivness and understanding rather than defending her son's wrongs.

It may not hurt for you to ask her what her intentions were. You may just end up with one of the most honest and supportive friends you've ever had. And if your H is all that close to his mom, it may not hurt to have someone influential in your corner.