I guess I am officially in plan b. I usually post on pregnancy/child board, as my WS had A that produced a child. D day was two years ago.

WE now are officially separated, since H continues to see OC against my wishes and lack of joint agreement and has some contact with OW. He also admits to caring about her as well. I don't think he is still sexually active with her, but with his lies, who could know for sure.

He finally moved out last night and I filed in court for legal separation two months ago. Now we will be finally dealing with financial ramifications of child support and custody. I want full custody, he does too. I doubt he will get it.

My question is- I was advised by Steve Harley to file given H's lack of caring for my feelings and his continued lies and lack of making me feel safe and secure. I was beginning to hate and loathe him. I think plan B is probably indicated.

He has been out of house two days now, and my children, two under 10, are constantly calling him. He of course wants the calls. The problem is that children then want me to talk to H-to work out whatever we have to work out so daddy can come home. H told kids I asked him to leave-I then told them H had done some hurtful things to me, and unless he changed some things, he cannot live here. IF he does, he is welcome back.

NOw, what is plan B exactly? no contact with H except when he talks about kids and plans to pick them up and see them? nO email, phone, etc? What is my role here? I have appointment with Steve this week, I hope, but don't know what to do in meantime. I still hope for some reconciliation if H and I can ever agree, but right now it seems remote. What are your suggestions? I need help!
And thanks!

Hi unhappy,

I have never been in Plan B but have done a lot of reading about it. As I understand you are giving your H the toughest love you could ever imagine by having no contact to him, so he really will realize what life will like be without you in it. It will either be a wake up call for him or then not.

If I could suggest something, it would be to check out the site web page and check out the principles of doing a full "180 degrees" by living your own life for you and your kids. I think that the principles on that site would be best served in a Plan B strategy, but this is only my opinion.

And of course providing that you still have hope for your marriage.

I wish you lots of inner strength, which will enable you to show your outer strength and the attractiveness of yourself to the world around you. If you can do that, I think that it may be the wake up call you have been waiting for...

Best wishes
-queen-

I guess I am officially in plan b.

NOw, what is plan B exactly?
You can't "officially be in Plan B" if you don;t know what it is.

Have you read, "Surviving An Affair"?

ALso, read What Are Plan A and Plan B?

Keep doing Plan A until you get some direction from Steve.

Hi unhappy wife,

It seems you and I are in similar situations.

I have 3 little ones who's whole lives have been lived under the cloud of H's problems.

They are younger than yours, so in a way, it was a bit easier to explain things simply, although I know that as the reality of the situation sinks in, they will have more questions.

I told my kids that me and Daddy were having a kind of quiet fight/disagreement, and that he would be sleeping in an appartment close by, and that they see/talk to him often.

H and I rarely "fought" openly in front of the kids, so it's not like they understood right away what I was talking about. They did not really have any comments, but as the days go by, (it's been about 2 weeks), they are asking : where's daddy? I remind them of the facts, and encourage any questions...but there have been none so far...

When H is around to deal with them, we are very cordial, polite etc. The thing is, in my case, I am not angry at H. It's easier than ever to be ok when he is in the house with the kids. I think the kids feel the "peace"...and are doing well, considering the circumstances.

I think the confusing and sad situation for the kids can be made a tiny bit better by "getting along" with your h, even in plan b. Keep the chit-chat about stuff other than the kids and other technical issues to a minimum, but do make the interactions that occur friendly and free from confrontation.

As for how to do a pure plan B with kids...well, I am new to this too, and just finding my "groove" with it...you will have to strike a tough balance between non-communication with H, and good co-opration re:kids.

E

ps: the more I figure out myself, the more I will try to share it with you.

uw,

Seeing that he just moved out this week, I wouldn't worry too much about Plan B until you speak with Steve. You have the gist of it correct: no contact with your spouse. If you do have contact, it should be brief, business-like, and pleasant. Contact should not be a lovebuster-fest, nor should it meet any of the other spouse's needs. Plan B often begins with a Plan B letter---and Steve can help you with that.

I'm sorry you've come to this point, but I completely understand. And it's time for you (perhaps even past time). Until you have your session with Steve, I'd suggest that you keep any contact between you and your husband brief and as pleasant as possible.

Also, he's pursuing full physical custody?? It's highly unlikely he'd get that unless you've been declared unfit as a mother. Do your children know of the affair and of their half-sibling???

thanks everyone for your responses.

K, I am so glad you replied.

I know you have followed my story for last two years.

I probably have waited too long to do plan B and separate. Steve tried to tell H his way of resolving this issue would not work, and now he won't even call Steve. His mother, his sister, me, Steve, they all believe he needs to heal us before he even incorporates OC in our life, or his life. Heck, his mother and sister think he shouldn't be seeing the child at all, ever.

But he won't listen. I did start to hate him.

He sees my lack of love, knows what he does hurts me, says that, and goes on and does it again.

I will talk to Steve later in week. I want to see what he has to say.

My kids do not know of A or OC. I hope to keep it that way. I see nothing to be gained for them but unhappiness, especially since I want nothing to do with the child. My H's parents agree with me. My H, however, wishes we could be one big happy family. I tell him that would distill his guilt for spending time away from our kids, and make him feel better.That our kids should not be burdened by his burden to bear.

I hate this life he has created for us, but I am o.k without him in home. And I hope I continue to feel strong and happy. It is much better than the tension we had in our home for last two months.Even my 6 year old said yesterday he thinks my H, his father, treats me meanly often, more me than him. Isn't that sad?

years.

uw:

Your husband is living in la-la land right now. Hopefully the separation will help to clear some of the confusion up concerning his ideas of integrating you and the kids with his mistress and her child into one big happy family.

Good luck with Steve. My guess will be that he'll tell you to write the Plan B letter, and then cut out non-essential contact with your husband. He needs to go without your support, and get down to a regular "visitation" schedule with his children (once every two weeks would probably be good) in order to clearly demonstrate how his decisions will affect him for the next several years.

Hopefully he comes to his senses before he no longer has a chance at reconciliation with you.

K,

You are so right. I am nearly to point that reconciliation with H is not on my agenda. I admit, I did cry a lot the day he left, and looked like hell on Mother's day.

But I realize now, I don't miss H. He treated me so shabbily, and +the day he left he admitted him seeing OC did hurt me , and he knew that, but he felt he had to be child's father. I said-even Steve H says it is never o.k to hurt your spouse.And you have done it repeatedly.

I don't miss him so much as being a family. Especially for our young kids.

My H wants OC incorporated in our lives.And I would be the happy friend or stepmother. I am definately NOT interested in this role.ANd I want nothing to do with the OW. She has been quite happy going behind my back to have H have contact with child. She believes I am out to hurt her, and oC-not true, although I don't care what happens to her as long as she stays away.

My H doens't even understand why I don't want to see, hear about, or discuss OW or OC. He says they aren't poison. Hello? They with you poisoned our life-and helped us get to where we are.
He really is dense.

You are right, K. Reconciliation may not happen, even if H desires it. He expects me to change my mind and accept contact with oC according to his desired frequency. At this juncture, he has so much to regain any interest of me to be with him that I don't even want to discuss this with him.
so sad.

We have been married over 25 years-and this is what it has come down to.

<small>[ May 13, 2003, 10:31 PM: Message edited by: unhappy wife ]</small>

uw:

Your job in Plan B is to attempt to protect what love you have left for your husband, in hope that he will come to you with a workable reconciliation plan. I know that you're extremely frustrated right now; this is part of the natural progression of a separation process---you're going to be as angry as you can be for the next few weeks. However, see if you can't get your husband to work out a good schedule to see the kids---so that he can continue to be a father to them. That's good for them, and it's good for you, too (a small deposit in your lovebank). Otherwise, keep contact with your husband down to nothing (bare minimum), to avoid this anger (you'll lose love for him, and I'm betting that you're not very pleasant for him to be around either...). Again, you'll probably be instructed by Steve to deliver a letter to him that lets him know that you still want the marriage, but he needs to make some real, concrete changes.

Hang in there. You'll start to feel better in a couple more weeks (hopefully). It will take your husband a while to recognize his loss, too. The hope is that it will spur him on to do something about it.