I am suspicious of my W activities and I need to know how I should approach her with it. She has never had an A but I have had suspicion's in the past that I have never proved nor have I approached her on them. However, I have come to the point where I need to confront her with my suspicions. Things have been great the last few months and any confrontation is going to damage the relationship so I want to do it right. If I am wrong then it is damaging due to lack of trust and suspicion, etc. I pray that she is not but without talking to her about it I cannot find out for certain.

Basically to this point I have been checking cell phone logs and voicemail, e-mail and found a nice bracelet gift that did not come from me and not the type of thing one of her girlfriends or family would give her. She has not shown me the gift nor has she wore it so as far as she thinks I do not know about it. I don't know exactly who it came from but think it came from the same person she has been talking with alot lately.

I have not found anything conclusive other than lots of calls at odd times to the same person. I have never met him nor do I know him, she corresponds with many men through her work but this one just doesn't sound right. I just get a very funny feeling about this.

Do I confront her based on what I have or do I wait and see? It has been very difficult to not say anything yet and she has noticed a difference and keeps asking me what is wrong. I told her this morning that we needed to talk but that then was not the right time since I had to take kids to school and go to work. She works nights and I work days so we don't get much time to see each other or talk so the timing needs to be right too.

What do I do?

It certainly sounds suspicious. You will find on these boards that almost always your gut feeling is correct. You may wish to put a key logger on your computer and or a tap from radio shack on your phone. The fact that you had this feeling before and now again with this other person probably indicates a strong possibility. You need to confront and tell her that she understands what the consequences of her actions will be.
More than likely she will deny it even if it is true but at least you warned her so she cannot claim ignorance if and when she gets caught later on down the road. I wish you luck.

stillhope:

Bryanp is right. You need 2 do something about this before it gets out of hand, assuming it hasn't already. Even if it has, waiting isn't the right thing 2 do. Read all the articles about infidelity on this website. There's a lot of useful information there that can help guide you as 2 what 2 do now.

Also, consider getting in2 counseling, both individually and with your W.

And remember, whether she's having an affair or not (either an emotional or physical affair), first and foremost she is your W, and you love her, right? This relationship likely started out innocently enough, they almost always do. Just make sure you treat her with the respect that you would like from her, as you work through your problems (both of you are responsible for the problems in your marriage, though if she's having an affair, that's entirely her choice).

All my best,
-2long

If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck it probally is. If it were me, and if you could afford to, I would hire a private investigator to follow her for a week or so. Hopefully by then you'll get your answer. If you ask her now all she will do is get mad and deny it. If you have proof she won't be able to deny it. Prepare yourself because you need to figure out what you are planning to do once you get your answer. It may not be easy, but if it were me I would want to know!

Is it normal for W to be acting like we are in the best state of our relationship if she is having an A.? I still do not have proof that she is having an A and I have not had the opportunity to talk to her about it but tonight’s the night. I mean things have been great the last couple of months, very attentive, very enthusiastic about us and plans for the future. I mean she does not "appear" to be a person involved in an A but again I have never been through this so will rely on some of your past experiences to help me with this. The activities I am suspicious of are not just in the last couple of months but go back a couple of years. We have talked about A's before when we have heard of friends or others and she is as dead set against them as I am - so she tells me. I have told her time and time again that I would not stand for it. Am I just being naive here and is she acting "normal" to cover herself? I always thought that if she was having an A there would be more signs and I would be able to tell – this is why I am hesitant.

I am beginning to think that she is not so much as having a PA but rather involved in playful activities that she keeps from me so I don't get upset. She is also the type of person that could come across as flirting or interested when she is not. I mean she can make men interested in her without even trying and it is all because of her personality - she makes people happy and want to be with her. She does not dress provocatively or is a supermodel but she does have a certain appeal that draw men to her and half the time she doesn't even notice it. She has always, ever since she was a young girl had as many close boy "friends" as girl "friends" and I knew this before I got involved with her - in fact that is one of the things that drew me close to her. Her best friend at the time was one of my close male friends and he brought us together. Because of this, I fear that she may have come across to someone as interested and as a result received this gift. I know I am reaching here but I know my W pretty well. If this is the case, I know I need to confront her - but how? Do I talk to her about my feelings and my "theory" or do I just come out and ask her about it? Again, if I do it the wrong way and my suspicions are false then I have damaged our relationship. Proving someone is having an A is easy but how do you prove someone is not having an A? I know I am not making much sense right now but hopefully you are able to follow my logic or illogic.

Anyway thanks for listening nonetheless.

Well I confronted W about the gift and my concerns. She did not deny the gift but did say this a "problem" that she is trying to deal with. She never went more into it than that as we were interrupted by kids needs and I was not able to get back into it with her after they went to bed. We did talk at length before that leading up to asking about the gift and she knew I was upset about something that had to do with a friendship she had. She talked about how great things have been going and that she has not done anything wrong or anything to hurt me. I know exactly who he is due to some sleuthing but she does not know I know. I plan to discuss with her more tonight about it and hopefully get some more answers from her. She did deny that she has done anything wrong and I think for the most part I believe her. I know that she has not broken off this friendship and he certainly has some intentions of taken it to the next level. She was upset with me that I did not talk to her about this 4 days ago when I found the gift and that I let it ruin my weekend and Mother's Day. I told her that I wanted to confront her with it appropriately and not come at her accusing her of an A if it really wasn't. She really did not have any response. I am concerned with a couple of things, she did not apologize for anything yet and she called him as late as yesterday afternoon. Now if she was trying to deal with this - why is she calling him?

Tonight I plan to ask her to explain the whole situation and then I am going to ask her to put a stop to this or I will.

Any thoughts on this are greatly appreciated. I know most of you are thinking "yeh right" she is having an A but I am not convinced yet. I know my W and if she truly was having an A she would be acting different and she would have done a better job of covering up.

I am going to proceed with caution so any advice is greatly appreciated.

stillhope,

Gosh, how to say this without discouraging you or sounding pessimistic? There are 27,570 members of MB today, the vast majority of us dealing with infidelity. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> Most of us were shocked to discover our spouses had been or were being unfaithful. A "secret friend" is also a form of infidelity called an Emotional Affair. In a good healthy marriage there shouldn't be "secrets".

Your comments---" Is it normal for W to be acting like we are in the best state of our relationship if she is having an A. " and " Is it normal for W to be acting like we are in the best state of our relationship if she is having an A. "---are so true for many of us. Read this forum for awhile. You'll begin to recognize the patterns.

" We have talked about A's before when we have heard of friends or others and she is as dead set against them as I am - so she tells me. "
And she probably is dead set against it,,but she sees HER situation as "different". <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

" I have told her time and time again that I would not stand for it. "
Yep, my words too! In no uncertain terms--"Cheat on me ONCE and I'm gone."

" I always thought that if she was having an A there would be more signs and I would be able to tell &#8211; this is why I am hesitant.
I was hesitant (a much better word than I considered myself--blind and gullible) for years allowing his affair to go on and on. The VERY few clues I had were explained away and the entire matter pushed under the rug. Real discovery (and admission) occured only when I had indisputable positive undeniable proof. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

My best suggestion for your talk is for you to ask your questions and LISTEN!! Do NOT get angry, lash out or attack her. Let her talk. Allow her to explain. And LISTEN, listen, listen. Take the time to THINK about her answers,,,and if they don't make sense, if they don't seem ENTIRELY feasible, if they still leave you with an uneasy feeling,,,,go with your gut. Your gut feelings are rarely wrong.

Wishing you much luck and hoping I'm wrong!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I hear what you are saying and I hope you are wrong too. My gut tells me there is something going on but not a PA or even an EA. I think she likes friends but doesn't want to hurt any feelings when the friendship starts going in other directions and is non-confrontational and hopes problems just go away.

I don't know maybe my head is just in the sand but I am not going to jump to any more conclusions until I have more proof.

Is it normal for W to be acting like we are in the best state of our relationship if she is having an A.?

Yeppers my wife was telling my sister and brother in law what a great husband/father I was over the last July 4th holiday. That was the second year of her affair.

Keep in mind the vast majority of spouses having an affair tend to live dual lives keeping the two worlds apart. In essence they compartmentalize thier actions.

Stillhope, I do not want to STEAL your hope but you are on the right track.

The only reason my H didn't confront me (besides not wanting to face the ugly truth) was I had always been a "good" girl--never could lie. I did live a double life...something I cannot believe now that I allowed to happen.

Interfere! This is YOUR wife. This man that is interested in her romantically has NO right to her! Let him know.

I don't know if this is your sitch but I wanted to be rescued--sick, I know but I honestly felt trapped and didn't know how to escape. I lived the lie for 6 months..6 months I can never retrieve and although forgiven, in some ways will always pay for the rest of my life.

Don't worry about making her mad. If she truly loves you, when the dust settles, she will see you acted out of love and commitment to her and that there is absolutely no need for HER to solve this "problem" without you by her side. She is precariously on the edge and I can tell you when it's gone that far, it doesn't take long for an almost EA/PA to slip over the edge.

Fight for her immediately.

My prayers are with you.

freshstart, I am glad you responded to me since you helped me sometime ago when I was using the alias givenuphope.

I am fighting for her. We talked quite a bit tonight - she cried, she said she was sorry and she said that this is completely a one sided thing and that she has no interest in this person and has not done anything wrong or to provoke this. It is someone from work that thought she was interested. She also told me that she is going to deal with this very soon. I told her that she has one week to deal with it or I will. Since it is work I don't want to go off the handle and ruin work environment for her since she likes her job, her job likes her and she helps a lot of people. I told her that once she deals with it that she let's me know and I am updated regularly. I also told her that things will be different.

She was very sincere with her thoughts and words. She did not get mad at me and I wouldn't let her since I did nothing wrong.

I believe you are right and that she could be close to the edge but I honestly believe that it has not gone beyond that. I am fighting for her and she has told me nothing has changed between us and that WE are still fine and she loves me.

I pray for myself and her. I know I am tight rope walking but I have to believe my W since she has never done anything to ruin that trust. Again, I could have my head in the sand. But I have not suffered from the once bitten, twice shy rule. I did reiterate that I would not stand for an A - which I wouldn't. At this point, I will try to keep my finger on the pulse and keep her from stepping off the edge.

Any thoughts?

Thank you again for your help through this, I would have reacted and acted much different without the advice and things could have ended up different. I did listen and did not get mad but I was still very stern.

I think for now we have dodged the bullet and time will tell.

Stillhope, that is good news...your W was honest and sincere. How wonderful that she knows you care and are there as her protector.

It will help her keep her focus when this man makes his advances. She can realize you are there and your commitment to her is strong.

I'm sure it was hard to confront her but I'm so glad you did and that you weren't mean but you let her know you have some valid concerns. You've opened the door of communication and that is awesome!!

Let's hope you both keep talking more now and that your M will be spared the agony of infidelity and that you can work together on improving the health of your M.

My youngest D and I have a little communication signal since she tends to be very quiet and withdrawn. When she feels like she needs to talk and doesn't know how to let me know, she comes and says she has a "code yellow" (we picked it up in a counselling session that happened in a hospital setting). I'm not suggesting you treat your W like a child but maybe if she knows she can signal you in some way that she is worried about issues, it will help keep lines of communication open.

Hoping for nothing but the best for both of you!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I am concerned with a couple of things, she did not apologize for anything yet and she called him as late as yesterday afternoon. </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">she cried, she said she was sorry and she said that this is completely a one sided thing and that she has no interest in this person and has not done anything wrong or to provoke this. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It looks to me like she is lying. Men who are told to buzz off, usually do. If not, they are harrassing her and there are laws against it. She IS encouraging him now, even if she did nothing to provoke him to start things. Why would she wait to "deal with it"? I am sorry to be the bearer of bad tidings, but she is AT LEAST involved in an emotional affair, because he is meeting one or two of her most important emotional needs (which is a Harley-esque definition), which is WHY she is having trouble breaking it off. I would be she is also having one according to the criteria in this link: Emotional infidelity.

You got a code RED here, buddy!! (in my best robot voice: "Warning Will Robinson!") Now is not the time to be timid. Kind, calm, not angry, but don't let her avoid the questions. If she won't give you a straight answer about something, it is because she is putting him ahead of you in importance, which should NEVER happen.

one thing to remember with A's are lies ,lies and more lies.lies are used to cover up other lies.its a big circle.

her statement about she is not doing anything wrong,by whoes standards?what she may concider as ok you would say is wrong.affiars are fantacies,how could a fantacy possibly be wrong?

the issue of her not being interested,,,well my wife told me (when confronted with hard evidence)it was a guy that was stalking her.silly me.

we(bs's) want so bad to believe that this is not happening that we almost go into a fantacy world of our own.

and its very common for a ws to portray everything as "just wonderful".if she is keeping you happy then you have no reason to doupt her and she can continue on with her double life.

STILLHOPE

My wife has a similar affect on other men (usually older men). She is very friendly and open and pretty and tends make friendships with men in general. I personally feel that her own issues with self-esteem make her flirtatious and she loves the attention she gets from these men that get interested in her because they feel like she may be interested in them.

I always ended up "helping" her handle "bad situations" with those men that came on too strong and she didn't know how to tell them to back-off and go no further, when in my mind it should not have gotten there in the first place. She sets no clear boundaries then looks to me to bail her out. It gets tiresome, my friend. She ultimately decided to have a PA with one such older man even after she told me she interested in having a 3-way with him and I, which I flatly refused to get involved in. I thought it was a settled issue until a year later when she told me she went ahead and had the PA w/him anyway.

My wife has been adamantly against affairs of any kind and has told me she would not tolerate any such thing from me at all and it would be over between us if that happened. She also is known for telling the truth all the time for she doesn't believe in lying or hiding things, which actually made it all the more easier for to lie to me because I "trusted" that part of her character so much. And, to top it off, she is so damn spiritual on top of that!

Believe me, every person, no matter the background, education level, religious beliefs and practices, or character, is very capable of having an affair, bar none.

Do not take anything at face value or take anything for granted. I, too, had the strange feeling, but kept dismissing it after some initial questioning, but I took her at her word and I was so, so wrong to do that, sad to tell you.

Your wife may need to find out why she puts herself "out there". Does she enjoy the extra attention? If she was truly clear with all of her boundaries and made it clear to those that she is "friends" with, you would not have to step in and help her get out of some weird entanglements, except in the worst cases where the dummy guy just won't take no for an answer and has crossed the line into stalking or harassment, but that would be the rare case.

I find it strange that she needs to wait to handle it "just right". I personally think she either led this man too much and feels bad about how he is going to be hurt and angry, or she allowed herself to get more involved on some level than she intended and the situation grew more involved and larger than she thought it would. Perhaps Playfulness started to turn much more serious and she did not know what to do with it. Or, worst case, she had the affair and regrets it, but now has the ugly duty of breaking it off with the OM as delicately as possible.

Keep your mind open to all possibilities and good luck.

<small>[ May 16, 2003, 07:59 AM: Message edited by: Blind Sided ]</small>

My .02 worth (to throw a little doubt in the ring)

I think there is more to this than she is letting on. A man does not give an expensive gift for nothing. That's what sticks in my mind. The gift shows that there is more than just friendship there. And even if she made it sound one-sided...she accepted the gift.

How much other checking are you comfortable doing? Come home unexpectedly from work, check cell phone logs, check caller id at home, check email, put key logger on computer, I've even heard of people who tap phones...

One thing I've learned from this site...a married couple should never trust each other implicitly.

Well I found out a little more last night that reassures me a little bit. The person that I suspected that was the giver of the gift is not the person I thought. She did not tell me who he was in fear that I would end up in jail or get her fired - which is why she did keep this from me. He is actually a complete surprise and someone that I KNOW she has no interest in. This person is a known "walking hormone" and he just decided that it was time for him to hit on my wife. He is an MD and tries to sway his pray with expensive gifts in hopes that there is something in return. She did not "accept" the gift knowlingly or willingly. This now I do believe 100%. The reason she needs time to deal with it is because this is a co-worker that she needs to deal with delicately in order to not create undo stress for her at her workplace. She thinks she can do this and promises to keep me informed. Again, she won't tell me who it is but I am sure I will figure it out eventually and with God's help I hope I can control myself.

The person that I was suspect of is also not a threat. I was concerned by the amount of correspondance with this person via cell phone, meeting for coffe, etc. but come to find out that it is purely a working relationship and nothing to fear. This I also believe 100%. It was only when I thought that he could be the giver of the gift that I became suspect.

We have talked about the being honest and keeping secrets and have made some agreements there. We will both be able to question, check phone logs, e-mail, etc. of each other (two way street) at any time with no questions asked to keep each other honest and get rid of any doubts in the future.

One thing I have learned is that I don't make a very good Private I.

Thanks for all your help working me through this with both eyes open. This is a week I hope to not have to re-live ever again.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by stillhope:
[QB] Again, she won't tell me who it is but I am sure I will figure it out eventually and with God's help I hope I can control myself.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">We have talked about the being honest and keeping secrets and have made some agreements there. We will both be able to question, check phone logs, e-mail, etc. of each other (two way street) at any time with no questions asked to keep each other honest and get rid of any doubts in the future.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">She is not being honest at all if she refuses to tell you who it is. You have a right to this information as this is *YOUR* marriage and *YOUR* life here. She needs to protect *YOU*, the husband, instead of protecting the identity of the pursuer. It is outrageously disrespectful that an interloper would be entitled to information about *YOUR* marriage in which you are not privy.

uh huh. That won't fly.

You absolutely have to know who it is that is threatening your marriage so you can know who to protect yourself FROM. She must tell you this. No one has the right to the privacy to destroy you and that is what this person is attempting to do. His identity should not be protected.

<small>[ May 16, 2003, 04:29 PM: Message edited by: MelodyLane ]</small>

You are right but she is not revealing him to me so I don't storm in and kick the crap out of him and get her fired. She is not trying to protect his identity but rather protect the word getting out that he did this to her for her sake and not his. She is very well respected and needed where she works and she can avoid this guy by shift coordination and staying out of his way. HE is NOT a threat to my marriage anymore. Once I have calmed down and she has taken care of this, she will reveal to me if I promise not to cause problems, which right now I cannot guarantee. He is the problem now and not her and if she needs me to get involved then I will but for now I promised to stay out and let her take care of it.

I am OK with her not divulging who he is at this time since he is not a threat. The important thing for me is that I know who he is not.

if you dont know who this person is then how do you know he is a "walking hormone",a MD and sways women with gifts?is this info your wife gave you?the same woman that refuses to give up his identity.by protecting him she is hurting you.she is putting him over you.

if this person is truly bothering your wife you have a right to know.if something should happen to her,you would have no idea where to look or who to point at.the only pointing would be at you.that very same thought scared me.no one knew about my wifes OM.if she disappeared,well i would be a suspect.

you say you know she has no interest if him,how do you know this,you dont even know who it is.as you put it "you can prove they are but how do you prove they aren't"how can you be sure she isn't interested?her word?are you ready to accept that just yet ,knowing she's been hiding things.

i would not accept the lack of info.