Cali's story...
In January 2001 my H started being very strange. Innocent talks would turn into fights. A woman co-worker, who I had also once worked with, was suddenly all over the place. They were lunching together. OWs name kept coming up in conversation. :shrug: Near the end of the month, there was a barbeque @ her house. I remember my meal sticking in my throat, feeling very uncomfortable, but not being able to figure out why. She hugged me @ the end of the evening and I remember thinking, "How weird, we aren't THAT kind of friends... close, ya know?" And my H gave her a spontaneous invite to our middle son's birthday party the next day. She did come. She, her kids, and she brought a friend... she didn't mingle... set away from the main party, though I did ask her several times to join us.... but I was busy w/ the party and didn't think too much of it.
February. Kind of vague. But I remember being sadly disappointed that the Valentine's basket I made him went untouched. I had spent so much time and thought over it. He seemed to be getting more and more distant and SHE seemed to be EVERYWHERE.
March. He has a new cell. $200 phone bill. He is MAD when I question the 100+ phone calls. I actually call his mom and ask HER if I should be concerned... there were more phone calls to her than I... at very odd times... He, of course, HIT the roof. OW calls me @ work. Tells me she is VERY in love w/ her H (H #4... married 2 years... have a new baby) and that she and my H are JUST FRIENDS (red flag!) and they just talk to each other about their marriages. She hopes things won't be awkward between us and encourages me to NOT boycott her daughter's 1st birthday party that next weekend. Gullible me feels relieved. And I go. On parade for her 'friends' who are in the know.
April. Daughter's birthday party is okay. Kinda weird, but not memorable. We left the next day for Spring Break in San Diego. H is awful. I'm in one room of the vacation condo. He's in another. He is uncommunicative and we fight over why he is doing NOTHING and why he isn't participating in the vacation... oh, and he has to find a couple of reasons to call her... AND be
on the internet... later I find out to go their 'home' page and chat w/ each other and send each other lovey-dovey emails.
April 25. We have had several fights. This morning he says we need to separate. I am blown away. This is the man who TRULY believes what God has put together MAN should not separate. He was the poster boy for "work on the marriage until you work it out." I just KNOW. Later that night I go hunting. It wasn't hard. Being a computer teacher, I just followed the email trail. It was clear.
He came home. Admitted it. I fell apart. I didn't go to work the next day. I told everyone that I could think of... including OWs H. She was more than pissed. She kept haranguing him because he 'couldn't control me.'
I immediately went on a quest to figure things out... 'cause that's what I do.
Two things had happened over this time line which are totally unrelated to his affair... or maybe not... I'm beginning to understand that God lets you in on things when you are ready and when you need it. Anyway. I came to the realization that I was treating my family terribly. I came from a home, in my adolescence, which was colored by alcoholism and anger. Lots of rage. And, I was using my anger inappropriately in my family... not physically violent... but I WAS very verbally angry and could throw a mean tantrum. I knew it... but wasn't sure what to do about it.
Secondly, I also realized, through a survey @ work, that I used collaboration and cooperation to get along w/ my co-workers... but at home I used control and aggression.
It wasn't a pretty picture.
Armed w/ self-discovery and looking for stuff on infidelity, I found MB. Read "Surviving an Affair" and about 20 other books. Learned to fix myself and did a pretty decent plan A... with a few DOOZY lovebusting sessions.
The summer was filled with angst as he moved out the end of June, though he still managed to be around everyday. And, we had LOTS of rockin' sex. ALWAYS a good connection w/ us... and unabashedly I used that connection. I asked that he be with us as a family one night a week, take me out one night a week and begin to go to church again. (We lucked out...or were God led <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ... to a great church).
At the end of the summer, he moved back. (We are teachers and measure the year as a school year... the summer was a long YAWN for me... filled with so much fear... but so much growth). In August, he takes his wedding ring off... which causes a lovebusting session or two.
I continued to read EVERYTHING I could get my hands on and the changes have been obvious... to many. A former co-worker saw me a couple of months ago and asked if I was pregnant... not because I LOOK pregnant... but she said I had 'that' glow.
The fall was so so. He was home, but he didn't want to be. He didn't want to be married. And, though they were now teaching @ different schools, there was still contact between them. PLUS, he was talking to someone else... someone much younger. I tried to blame OW... I tried to excuse his behavior as a mid-life crisis... but that was the wrong tack... finally, I began to detach and TRULY work on ME and NOT us, even began individual counseling without telling him (which really shook him up.) It became my goal for ME to get healthy so that I could go on... marriage or not.
January 2002. Not sure what happened, but H calls me near the end of the month to tell me that he's 'never calling that b*tch' again. I thought I would faint right in Wal-Mart. We have his wedding ring re-done and he puts it back on.
February-April 2002 I negotiate the get the 'young 'un' out of his life. Which I still beleive she did on her own... we came back from spring break and there were some very ICKY phone messages... he tried to say that ANY student could have found our number and called... but I doubted that they would leave POINTED messages in EVERY family member's mailbox... I proved my point by putting a BLOCK on unnamed phone numbers and the messages and hangup calls STOPPED immediately.
May / June 2002. H and I are saved and are baptized in June, together, on Father's Day. (A far cry from the previous Father's Day when we got tattooed together). He finally, a full year later, says he loves me. really, really loves me.
We spend summer 20002 househunting and move into a new home late fall. It has been a hard journey, but GOD in our lives has made ALL the difference. I feel blessed that when it came right down to it, he truly couldn't depart from the way he was raised.
Good luck to you... it is a long, hard journey... but make YOUR growth the priority... make the journey about YOU and what you need to do to become WHOLE and HEALTHY and you can't go wrong.
Cali
