Hi. I've not posted to this group before but was directed here by someone from another group. I've read the basic concepts and reviewed many of the infidelity topics/articles. My story is long, so please bear with me.
My H and I have been married 3.7 years, 2 kids. We are both in our early twenties. To spare lots of details from the beginning stages of our marriage, and after reading the symptoms of a falling marriage, I now know things I could have done/not done prior to our separation that would've dramatically changed things. Having said that, here's my situation...
Five days after our 3rd anniversary in October, he sat me down and told me he needed to leave. Said he wasn't happy, I probably wasn't either, he wanted to spend time alone, and he didn't "feel" in love with me anymore. This hit me hard, but looking back now at the problems we had, it shouldn't have been unexpected. I was in pieces, but ultimately told him if that's what he felt he needed to do, then I would support him and stand by him. He left and moved in with his brother - and I stayed at the house (which is my parents, whom have since moved back in)Thanksgiving Day I found out he had been talking to his old friend from high school (known her for 3 years back then, but hadn't spoken to her since we got married - yes, they had been together sexually prior to us meeting). I was devastated just from knowing he was talking to her because she had affected our lives before we were ever married. He insisted they were just friends, he had no one else to talk to, blah, blah. Meanwhile, I had family/friends telling me "you know he's sleeping with her". He began spending tons of time w/ her and none with me and yet he still insisted they were just really good friends. My gut told me different, but my head wanted to believe him. I understand, even now, that people can have friendships w/ people of the opposite sex and it be platonic - but not her, and not during this time we were going through.
Needless to say, I got fed up w/ my money being depleted because he'd go off w/ her to the movies, etc. and her taking priority. I told him I was going to call my old friend that I hadn't talked to in forever (and we had never been together sexually, much less even kissed). He told me this was fine and it would probably do me some good. Well, it didn't. I was very vulnerable and this guy had the worst of intentions. The second night he came over to talk, we slept together and also the next day. I felt horrible. He knew what I was going through and yet I listened to his lies and acted on feelings and not level headed. Of course my H already knew. I was late to work and he had called and he just knew. He was very upset. He came home that weekend and was back in full force to work things out with me. We slept together once. Then, he went home. A month later, I find out he plans this trip w/ this girl and I flip out. I split our finances/accounts/everything. Ready to end it all and get divorced. A week later, (details left out) I end up at her house, and he's there and I see evidence they've been together. We talk and he says he did it out of revenge against me. They had not been together before this.
We go almost a month barely speaking. Only when we switch the kids for visitations. Then, my bday rolls around and near this time, he wants to try to work things out w/ me. He decides that I am the one he wants to be with, but also, he's unwilling to let go of her. He had told her that he loves her. This really breaks my heart. She gets really upset at him for wanting to spend any time w/ me at all and we spend the next couple of weeks fighting over his indecision and my distrust of him. He was expected to go to reserves boot camp for 17 days and I told him BEFORE he left that I could not continue this after he got back. He needed to make a clear decision to let her go before we could ever begin to work on us. He left and now he is back. I did not immediately bombard him with questions, but it has come down to the point of discussing it.
When he called from boot camp, he had asked me if I had talked to the guy anymore. I told him no (which is very true). The one time that I did talk to him in the past 2 months (which H knows about already) was when I told him I couldn't talk to him anymore because I was trying to work things out w/ my H. Yesterday, I asked him if he had spoken to/seen her since he had been back. He said once on the phone. She called him and they spoke for 30 min. How can he even think he has any right to question me if he is going to continue doing the same things?
I feel like at this point, I know she is an addiction for him. They were really good friends before and they have been for the past 7 months, but I am his wife and I need to be his best friend. I feel she has taken my place and if he truly wants to be with me, then he needs to tell her that and let her know he cannot talk to her anymore. He is afraid to hurt her. She is also married (but supposed to be getting a divorce) and has one child. Honestly, though, I don't think he really does want to be with me. I don't feel as though we were ever really good friends like that, nor can we be because he's had a good friendship. I'm afraid that in months/years down the road, he may come to me and say he wants her or has always wanted her and have to go through this all over again. I'm afraid that he will see her/talk to her behind my back and I won't ever know. Their relationship is more emotionally concentrated rather than physically. I think that they share tons of interests together and can support each other. I'm almost afraid that had I not come into the picture 4 years ago, they would've been the ones to get married because they do support each other on so many levels. I couldn't tell you one thing that I feel that I do for him that would prove that I deserve to be his wife.
Now, when we are together, whether in person or on the phone, there's hardly anything to talk about. We've created two completely separate lives now and I don't know where either of us fit into each other's anymore. I feel it's been too long already and it's time to stop the indecision. I know it's hard on him, I understand that, as much as it hurts me to know that I am not his addiction, she is. I would love to be able for us to start to work on "us" and the problems we had before all this started, but how do I do that, while feeling insecure about him seeing her or talking to her. If one thing doesn't jive with what he's told me, my mind starts wandering and I get panicked. I hate feeling like this and I would almost rather end it before I get so depressed like I was before he left. While he was gone, I felt great. I wasn't on an emotional rollercoaster. I hate to put pressure on him, but what am I supposed to do? I can't continue to stay married to someone who can't decide if they want to be committed to me. And then, I also don't know how to trust him while we aren't living together, much less when/if we do get back together. I need help with being understanding and how to react to different situations. This site had really opened my eyes to a lot of things that do make me responsible in this and I am willing to work on that, but really only if he is willing to take that initial step in proving to me that I am what he wants. I'd rather not waste my time if he doesn't. I've already been through a lot of heartache already and I just don't know how much more I can take. I'm ready for resolution, something to begin to work on, whether it be us or my healing from it being over. I'm tired of being in limbo.
Yes, I have communicated EVERYTHING that I have mentioned here to him at least once, probably more. His response each time, even today, is that it's not that easy/simple, he's trying and he's sorry, he knows it's not easy on me. He makes absolutely no progress that I can see/hear that he is moving to ending it w/ her.
I know he is very torn and I try so hard to be understanding, but it is hard knowing your husband "loves" someone else and it's not you, yet you feel this need/desire to be supportive of him and love him regardless.
Please, just tell me how I can be a loving wife and not feel so defeated and feel like I'm the only one compromising here. How do I get my husband back without nagging, without pressuring, yet protect my own heart?
