Well - After a wonderful weekend away with my WH and daughter, I feel like crap. I miss him not being home. He says he is coming by Wednesday and will take my daughter and Me to dinner and a movie. He asked if I could book his car into dealership for service and I did this. He also told me what type of grass seed to buy etc for the lawn. I feel lonely. I call my counsellor. I tell him what is happening. H has moved out to "sort his head out" and is staying with his mother. He is still working the long hours (or so he says) and calls every morning and at least once through the day. My counsellor said it was not really a good thing that he was able to come and go as he pleases and that it confuses me and is hurtful for me. It has only been a week. H is slated for his counselling session tomorrow and the counsellor said he will see me aftr that in order to let me know where I might be headed. I told my husband I would give him time and space to sort himself out, but I really dont see him working on that full time. He is still working long hours and spends one night with us as a family. We have had no opportunities to sit down and talk as a couple, and he has not brought up the subject to do so. He informed me that he is going to be playing golf all week end with different guys. I have never told him what he could or could not do in our marriage. He has always had the freedom to be an individual and do his own thing, as I have. He said I should go away to my parent's cottage for the weekend and I said no. I said I wanted to go the planting and that I did not want to go spend the weekend with my parents. What I really want is for him to come here on the weekend and talk.

I have an appointment next Wednesday with the Counsellor (21st of May). My question is do I just wait until I see what the counsellor says about where my H's head is at or do I go ahead and tell husband that I cannot live like this, it is too hurtful. If he is going to work on our marraige, we need to live together in order to do that. Other than him planning events for the future, I have no idea what his plans for "us" are. I do not want to be waiting in the wings so to speak and leave myself open for more hurt and pain down the road. It has almost been 2 months since D day. I know you guys says it takes about 6 months from that day but really, how is it possible emotionally to get through this. Can you work on a marriage at a distance, I dont think that is possible, maybe someone has been there and can advise me on this. I plan on waiting one more week and then confronting the situation. I am sick of explaining to people about where he is, what is happening, etc. I have alot of people telling me that he needs to get off the fence and figure out what he wants. I do think he wants to stay married, I think he is scared because of the A and may still be a bit foggy. The A has ended, as far as I know and judging from his behaviors (cell phone off, pager off )when he is with me, and the cost of his cell bil the last two months, I am sure it is over. Though one never knows. I want to get on with life and have a good marriage or get over the marriage. My emotional stability is what is at stake. I have a 14 year old daughter to take care of and it is hard when I am depressed all the time. I feel like my H has just walked away from his responsbilities and he gets to go away and get his head together while I am "stuck" with all the baggage and trying to handle things myself. He had the A, he needs to be accountable for that, if it was something at work, it would be fixed and he would be accountable in a second.

Sorry for the rant this morning, just a rollercoater kind of day I guess.

I would appreciate your input as to time and when to stop the "sucking and blowing".

GET BUSY

Want to fight for your M? Then STOP the revolving door. I agree with your C. He comes and goes in and out of your house as he pleases .... and you feel depressed? WHO WOULDN'T?

GET BUSY

Buy tickets to a concert, and take your 14-year-old. Schedule a weekend trip for you and your D. Plan a few girls-only parties at your house. Invite your friends and have a card party, or a beauty party .... something. Allow your D to have her friends sleep over every weekend. Go to the mall and have a free make up session at a dept store.

Just sitting there waiting for him to pull his head outta his a$$? Well ..... do NOT do this. He will be more motivated to "get his $hit together" if he sees YOU being active, happy and productive.

READ
DANCE
CREATE
PAINT
PARTY
BOWL
LUNCH
PICNIC
EXERCISE

GET BUSY .... and do NOT cancell any of your plans at the last minute because he's decided to grace you with his precious self. SURE .... also schedule in those family date nights .... but one or two a week ..... and otherwise .... have a full calendar.

You will become more interesting if you become a moving target .... all sparkley with fun and creativity.

GET BUSY .... fill up your calendar with plans. Ask your daughter to help you come up with ideas! Read your newspaper to check out any fun stuff every week. Make him call you to make sure you're available. THIS will create a higher value of you in his mind.

Pep <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

<small>[ May 13, 2003, 09:16 AM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

"Can you work on a marriage at a distance?"

Your H is NOT READY to work on the M. YOU want to do that, HE wants to "find himself". If you keep this as your goal right now, you're going to suck and blow at the same time!!!!

Change your current goal. Working on the M will work when he pulls his head out of his YOU KNOW WHAT!

Pep <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

Thanks for the boost Pepper! I have just gotten back from my family doc and she said pretty much the same thing, to move forward, he is mixed up, doesnt know what he wants and cannot be trusted right now as far as what he is going to do. I have decided to put myself back into my running schedule for the next two weeks. I am running my first marathon on May 25th. I have also got ideas for gardens and painting etc. I will make a list of things to do keep busy. I will not wait around for the phone to ring or him to decide when the next Family date is. My daughter does have sleep overs and usually it is every weekend over the last little while. I will continue to let her do this. I also drive her and her friends all over the place and will continue to do this, helps me know where she is. Anyway thanks for your advice. I have heard the same advice from abot 3 different people over the last 24 hours , all very different people. I am anxious to see what tmorrow brings for H, after he is done at the counsellor's office. Though I know it is only a 1 hour appoint, and nothing will be solved in an hour. His family is really up in arms right now as well, one brother is really ticked at him for doing what he is doing. I hope he does not cut his own support systems with his behavior. I have tried to tell people that he is not him self right now, but I cant defend him forever. I know that.

Thanks Pepper - I have heard the same advice from 3 different people in 24 hours. It is hard to go forward when your heart is broken but I will try. My daughter always has sleep overs and so I will continue to let her do this. I have plans to do my gardens this weekend and will restart my running schedule. I am running my first marathon on May 25th. and my baseball season has started - coed recreational league. I will start this again this week as well. I missed last week as I was feeling depressed as H left that day. I will try and continue on with my life and try different things. I plan on going to church on Sunday, something I enjoy but the rest of my family does not. I will start going on my own and hopefully this will give me some peace. I know it will. I am going to try and not wait around for the phone to ring or wonder where and what he is doing. I am not even going to ask him anymore what time he got to his mom's. I will be nice and as loving as possible but youre right, I have to get on with it.

Thanks.