Three weeks ago before leaving on a business trip, my husband of nearly 19 years, informed me that he was no longer in love with me, that we have nothing in common and he didn't want to live like room mates anymore. He left for his trip and hasn't come back except to do laundary once a week and spend a couple hours with our two teenaged sons. He says he has been depressed most of his adult life and now he is on antidepressants, which have changed his life so drastically that he no longer likes the personality that I have and wants something more exciting out of life.

How do I compete with that! He says he isn't having an affair, he just can no longer connect with me intellectually and spiritually. He feels that people he meets at work understand him better than I do. Unfortunately, my husband has his own business and has been on the road for the past four years coming home on weekends only. I feel that this is when communication between us has broken down and I would like to go to counselling with him, but he says it wouldn't help, that his mind is made up and he knows we should go our separate ways.

I don't understand how anyone after 19 years and two great kids can look at there spouse and say you have the wrong personality for me, lets get divorced! Do I start with Plan A or do I tell him how much I miss him and how he is hurting me? Or do I go on with my life like everyone is telling me to do, and hope that he one day realizes that we are not that incompatible as he thinks? Please help! Any thoughts on this are greatlt appreciated.

My thoughts, he is having an affair. He will not admit for a lot of reasons. Sorry that is just the way I feel. Wish you the best.

Read all you can on this site about PLAN A and do it. PLAN A requires NO LOVEBUSTING. Also read up on what LOVEBUSTING IS. Keep us posted.

Take Care.

Hi BB,
I don't know how much you have read on this site, and how well you understand the concepts that Dr Harley teaches, but I will go on and pretend like you know the basic concepts. If you have questions, please come back and ask. Remember that we are a support group of people trying to improve our own marriages, not pros. If you want a pro, call the Harleys for counseling.

Three weeks ago before leaving on a business trip, my husband of nearly 19 years, informed me that he was no longer in love with me, that we have nothing in common and he didn't want to live like room mates anymore. He left for his trip and hasn't come back except to do laundary once a week and spend a couple hours with our two teenaged sons.
This does sound like an affair, but it could also be a Mid Life Crisis, or something else we don't know about. When he only comes home on weekends, an affair is very likely.

He says he has been depressed most of his adult life and now he is on antidepressants, which have changed his life so drastically that he no longer likes the personality that I have and wants something more exciting out of life. How do I compete with that!
There is something going on here that he is not telling you about, in other words, much of the puzzle is missing and he claims you have all the pieces. I believe he is hiding something or at the very least he is does not understand things himself so he can't tell you any more. A MLC would fit this - as well as an A.

He says he isn't having an affair, he just can no longer connect with me intellectually and spiritually. He feels that people he meets at work understand him better than I do.
I would translate this as " I found someone else that I like better than you." Nothing else really makes sense here - but again, I am not a pro.

Unfortunately, my husband has his own business and has been on the road for the past four years coming home on weekends only. I feel that this is when communication between us has broken down and I would like to go to counseling with him, but he says it wouldn't help, that his mind is made up and he knows we should go our separate ways.
There is not much you can do with this if he won't talk about getting help - except for plan A, and then after time, plan B. Read in the basic concepts section of the web site if you don't know what those are.

I don't understand how anyone after 19 years and two great kids can look at there spouse and say you have the wrong personality for me, lets get divorced!
I ..................I don't understand either. I have been reading on this site for over a year and I don't understand it any better now than I did at first. All we can do is try to cope with it.

Do I start with Plan A or do I tell him how much I miss him and how he is hurting me? Start with plan A. If he is beginning an A ( and I think he may be well along in one,) then he is like an addict. They know it is wrong, but can't seem to do anything about it unless they get help. Help right now takes the form of plan A. You try and guess his needs from what you know about him, and meet them as best you can.

Or do I go on with my life like everyone is telling me to do, and hope that he one day realizes that we are not that incompatible as he thinks?
You should not put your "life" on hold for him in any case. I don't mean go out and get a new husband, but I mean you go on and live and try to reach your other goals and live a full life. At least as well as you can with all the hurt and pain you have right now. Try and do a good plan A for a few months, and then go to B if that shows no results.
Here is some information on plans A and B for you to read if you haven't seen it yet.

NSR's links to info about plan A and B

More on plan A
Mthrrhbard on Plan A and natural consequences

Some more links that you may find useful.

50 signs your spouse is having an affair

Living with Relationship Disaster

cerri on plan A

I am so sorry you need to come here but believe you can get some help. Remember to be nice to him. People like us more and tend to want to spend time with us more if we are nice to them.

Let us know how things are going or ask if you have more questions.

SS

Thanks Still Seeking and everyone for your reply. I know these are words I needed to hear. I have read "His Needs, Her Needs" , the Basis Concepts and halfway through Love Busters. I am a little confused on how to go about Plan A. I have never been one to fight and I had always talked or more likely cried through our discussions while my H got angry. My H is the talkative one in the relationship and I am generally a good listener. So do I need to become more talkative and praise him on any little positive thing that he does, which is hard because he is rarely home, but at the same time not allow him to show anger towards me. I think I really need to reread Plan A several times to fully get it.

After 19 years I think he owes you more of an explanation and at least the time to discuss it.

And, I'm sorry, once a week to do laundry? HE ISN'T MAKING YOU DO IT, IS HE?

SoDisappointed,

I told my H that after 19 years he owed me an explanation and that I felt it was unfair that now that he is supposedly well, that I am disposable. He says that I shouldn't feel that way and that I am better than that. He says so many people that have met me just love me (except for him of course) and if I continue to lose weight I won't be able to keep men away from my door! (I am about 20lbs overweight) What kind of talk is that! No, I don't do his laundary, but my son often does it for him.