Hi Eleanor,

Checking in to see how you are doing. U sound much better today. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I went out somewhere around 1am and checked out the stars to tell you, H2Y and Adgirl g'nite! It was a bit cloudy (better than fog) and my family was safely tucked in their beds.....snoring!!! LOL! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

It felt soothing to see those stars. What I realized is the more I stared at the stars the more I could see. It made me think that the more I learned to look at what was really important in life the more I would find it. I share that thought with you and hope it brings you some comfort.

Take care,
L.

E

I'm with you one the children topic. I refuse to take that away from them too. My princess adores her daddy I can't speak poorly of him, it only hurts her. I find myself covering for him all the time. Which is really ironic because he used to hate when I covered for my first husband when he would let down my oldest!

Even when she ask about why we are no longer together "Daddy needs time" i say "but he still love you, very much".

While he was still living here I keep asking him please be honest with me and don't make me hate you we've got to raise three kids together. Luckily I'm the forgiving type cause anybody else would be still hissing venom at him.

The way he's handled things has been such a let down. Not the needing to leave part, we all need to find our own hapiness. But the way he lied, and kept his plans from me, god he's such a coward! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

But we keep grinning and pretending its all good, for the kids! Being bitter will only hurt them!

Hug your babies and feel the love!

Adgirl: ok I'm a dufus. I would see your name and think : atta-girl! I guess I want that to be your name.
Eleanor, you aren't a dufus- I like the name you gave me!! It is spunkier. You can call me adagirl!!

Orchid,
Thanks for telling me good night... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Eleanor,

I wish I could say something to make you feel better or to assure you everything will be alright, but nothing I say will make a difference. I know because I have had over 16 d-days and at least 20 occasions where WH has promised he would cut off contact with OW. Today, my WH made the decision to leave for good - or so he says. It hurts - even after 16+ d-days.

But don't put yourself down by thinking if you were something more, your WH would be acting differently. He wouldn't. Its all the fog talking.

I will be thinking of you tonight.

Brit's Brat/42
WH/sbxh - 43 (44 in July)
DS - 18 months old
Status: The end.

Dear Eleanor

Yes, you are right, the pain of his continued betrayal is something I find incomprehensible. I also think it is HE not you that tells your babies that he is not coming home. Why should you also have to face that responsibility? His decision, let him deal with their disappointment and upset.

I understand totally about the NC with him. Did you tell him when he left? Make sure he knows where you stand and why.

I'm glad you're planning a busy weekend as Adagirl (aka Adgril <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ) said, can you get some time from someone so that you can have some solely "Eleanor" time.

Thinking of you and wishing you well.

Lisa

My best friend went through this terrible rejection from her husband. He refused to sleep with her because she was, "fat" or "snored" or "smelled funny" .... it wore her self-esteem down very gradually .... year after year, the remarks became more and more blatant.

One day he comes home, all bouncy, and announces:

"I feel so happy! I wanted to share my good news with you. I finally realized I'm GAY"

Turns out, he'd been picking up men off and on for years, and all the while, led HER to believe she wasn't attractive.

I think that's why I reacted so vehemently to your husband's treatment of you.

My friend is GOOD now. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Reeeely GOOD! She is one of my "Queenly" friends (we have a girls group, where we take ourselves out and have remarkable fun and nonsense, while we wear our tiaras)

So, I am really pissed off .... and I know I may have gone a bit over the top .... but, that's why. (actually, I did not include most of what I said about your H .... I censored a bit)

Pep <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

<small>[ May 16, 2003, 10:57 AM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

Pep: thanks for your post. Yes he has lead me along...it's horrible. But you know, at this moment, I see just how sick the guy is. This is not the man I married 10 years ago, and it's not the man I met 15 years ago.

All his family members are single/disfunctional and anti-social. I should have seen it. I have heard so many people over the years say how much you need to pay attention to the family that the spouse comes from. H really had no role model at all, especially of a man, He grew up with his "wacko" mom in Australia, and only saw his dad on occasion.

Of course I saw it all, but at the time, it was clear that H wanted what he never had. But the thing is, it's like he thinks that there is an instruction book about how to do it all, that he never got. He is overwhelmed and bewildered by life.

It was awful today to go to my 5 year-old's school pageant, and see all the daddies and families there. I cannot comprehend how H would throw it all away.

We are in plan b, and I can see how hard this will be. I am so lonely. It's like adding insult to injury that I don't get a repentant spouse. I am lonely, but trying to pull in all the resources possible.

Kids are great. Wondering where daddy is. I have made a few short statements like: daddy's made some mistakes and he's thinking about it all right now...and it will be a little while before we see him. I am giving them small doses of it.

Lise: I cannot let H control the message that "we" give them. I do not trust him at all now, and I need them to not get scared, worried, or shocked by what H might say. Of course it's a dirty job to tell them about this, but honestly, it's better if it's me...even if they put a bit of blame on me. In time, they will see what kind of man he is, and judge the situation for themselves. I will not make them hate him...never. But I have no idea what H would say, and he's in no shape to do it now.

Thanks for all your concern. I will be back tomorrow. This helps alot bcs in plan b i cannot vent at H...so here is a good place.

E

Brit's Brat:

So sorry about you H leaving. I have to admit that when I fist came to this site 3 years ago, and saw the stories from people who have had multiple d-days, I thought: OMG, I would never stick around for that! Well, guess who's eating humble pie? I so understand the optimism and hope that keeps you from shutting the door. Have you ever met another man during this trubulent time? I sometimes think that it would "help" shut the door on the part. I don't mean that we would "cheat" or something, but a reminder that there are good mates out there, and that things could be so different.

I am thinking about you too Brit brat, and your daughter. Sorryv for your pain.

Orchid: thanks for checking up with me. Today had some horrible hours, but I think it has passed, and I will make it through the evening.

Crunchie: where is your story? It sounds like you are in fresh pain too. I am sorry for you and daughter. I will not poison the boys against him. He may do it himself though.

Eleanor,
Just wanted to let you know I am thinking of you, hoping you can relax some this weekend...
AdAgirl! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

E

Yes I'm in recent pain as of October. Click on my name "getting stronger" I think has a summary.

How are you doing? You've been quiet 2nite, hope that means you got out.

I just back from movies and dinner with my two youngest ones. It was nice! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

last night was so horrible, lying in our bed alone, knowing what he's doing. How could he? the pain is white-hot in my gut. It's like he hates me. When I finally fell asleep, it was with my whole body tensed up tight. I woke up this morning with an aching back, a headache, and diarrhea.
I hate this so much.

Oh Eleanor!! I don't know what to say because I know it is painful. And I know with you having kids it has to be even harder. Please try to take care of yourself. He doesn't hate you- he just doesn't know what he is doing.......it really isn't about you- it is about him being a selfish empty pig......

What helped me alot was setting my mind to the fact I could do it alone. I had the choice to be happy or devastated. It was an epiphany and one my H did NOT like. I turned on Gloria Gaynors "I will survive" and danced with the kids, We sang and danced to it for awhile. It was the most empowering thing I did. You will survive and you will live a happier life. Not now, but you will. Here are the lyrics: and I will upload it onto my server so you can hear it loudly. This is the best song EVER for cheating lying husbands: The address to copy and paste into your browser: http://mywebpages.comcast.net/llpoolej/IWillSurvive.mp3 (actually, you can just click on it and wait for it to download and play )

At first I was afraid I was petrified

kept thinkin' I could never live without you by my side;
But thne I spent so many nights thinkin' how you did me wrong
and I grew strong and I learned how to get along.

And so you're back
from outer space

I just walked in to find you here with that sad look
upon your face

I should have changed that stupid lock

I should have mafe you leave your key
if I'd've known for just one second
you'd be back to bother me
go on now.

Go on now go
walk out the door
just turn around now
you're not welcome anymore
weren't you the one who tried to hurt me with goodbye
did I crumble
did you think I'd lay down and die ?
Oh no
not I. I will survive

oh
as long as I know how to love I know I'll stay alive;
I've got all my life to live

I've got all my love to give
and I'll survive
I will survive. Hey
hey.

It took all the strength I had not to fall apart

kept tryin' hard to mend the piece of my broken heart

and I spent oh so many nights just feelin' sorry for myself.
I used to cry but now I hold my head up high.

And you see me
somebody new
I'm not that chained up little person still in love with you

and so you felt like droppin' in
and just expect me to be free
now I'm saving all my lovin'
for someone who's lovin' me.

<small>[ May 17, 2003, 08:55 AM: Message edited by: naive' ]</small>

adgirl

I feel like s%^%*t, tummy churning, head spinning. i dread another night in my damn bed. i hope I don't wake up until the morning, and that sleep comes fast. i will do my best to tire myself out before laying down...can't read either...my mind is too addled.

naive

I LOVE that song and those words. It made me really smile. Thank you very much. Talk about the perfect song for the perfect situation. In my head i know you are right...one day i will be over this...i hope it's sooner rather than later.

E

Eleanor,
I went through a period of time when I would throw up or feel like throwing up- I tried my best to stop it...sometimes the only way to stop it was to not eat and I went from a size 8 to a size 2 or 4. It is terrible to feel this way, but if you can just try to think about yourself and your self-worth and how strong you are (easier said than done I know) you can make it through. Maybe you could try to turn on the TV and watch late night friends or golden girls or something upbeat to fall asleep to? If you have a TV in your room?

Eleanor-

Sorry to hear that your emotions have been so painful as of late, I can remember those days like it was last week. Not sure if you have the time, but if you do I'd recommend reading "Mars and Venus - Starting Over" by John Gray(?). It really helped me process all the feelings associated with loss. Good luck to you and your family!

Eleanor

It is a ****ty time - no two ways about it, but you have been so strong and positive up till now, you need to dig inside yourself again to find another little bit.

I also have a favourite line from Bridget Jones' Diary. She has just been dumped by Hugh Grant for an "American Stick Insect" (I think it's after that). She has two choices - to eat the entire contents of her fridge and be ravaged by Alsations, or Vodka and Chakka Khan (I'm Every Woman). She chooses the Vodka and Chakka Chan!! Now, I'm not suggesting the alcohol, but you get my drift don't you <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

It will get better, I promise. When I first came here, Porche (Neil) posted this little note for me - I still have it on my desk.

"No matter how it is today, no matter how low I feel, in the future, it will be better"

Thinking of you.
Lisa

<small>[ May 19, 2003, 06:53 AM: Message edited by: Lisa in London ]</small>

Hi Eleanor,

I'm sorry you are going thtough this -- but it does appear that you are going about this in the right way -- yes I know that's little to no consolation.

Something you wrote I want to respond to:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> last night was so horrible, lying in our bed alone, knowing what he's doing. How could he? the pain is white-hot in my gut. It's like he hates me. When I finally fell asleep, it was with my whole body tensed up tight. I woke up this morning with an aching back, a headache, and diarrhea. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">After d-day I went out and bought a body pillow. I got mine from Sears, Wal-mart sells them too (I'm not sure what stores there are in Quebec that would have them -- only been to Montreal once).

Even though FWH never moved out I wanted the security and comfort of holding something I didn't associate with Dr. Mengele (which is what I described the first few months of being with H after d-day as being like). Even now I curl up with it when I'm having a bad day.

I also bought some aromatherapy candles for relaxation and calmness and would put on my old CD called "Meditation: The Greatest Hits" it's selections of classical music from Reference Gold.

It helped get me through very angry nights and days.

It may help you.
way2

<small>[ May 19, 2003, 07:43 AM: Message edited by: way2 ]</small>

Thanks naive

I downloaded the song and it's helping...

You are so right! I just have to convince myself I will survive this, not because I don't have anyother choice but because I want to do it for myself. this is the hard part but getting there...

Eleanor-

How's it going? Things will work out for you, keep the faith!