Hi All-

It’s time for a Kily update.

Something weird is going on with me lately. It started a while ago but really became evident on Mother’s Day. My reasons for not wanting contact were to help me set some boundaries and detach from X completely. I realize that now and the whole process has helped me tremendously.

I want to just take a minute and add that the time that I have maintained NC has helped me tenfold because it's given me a chance to make the psychological "break" that I needed to make. This sounds weird, but it allowed me to see where I need to make boundary lines and it's allowed me to live my life without worrying how my actions will affect X. Up until then, it always was a factor in ant choices or decisions that I made.

I did try very hard to maintain NC but with DS this is difficult. There are so many activities that he has going on and with both of us attending, it’s really impossible. For a few weeks I avoided going to these events but I realized that I was hurting DS and myself by staying away. I finally resumed on Saturday morning.

X was there and for a while we stayed apart. Eventually, he meandered on over and started to chat. He asked to buy me a tea and I told him it was okay. He came back with a muffin and tea and started telling me about things at work. He is traveling AGAIN this weekend and he was expressing his displeasure with the environment in general. He said that he was looking for a new job but with the economy and all that things weren’t easy.

I mentioned to him that I was thinking about his traveling during his last long trip. I told him that I imagined what it must be like for him being so far from DS when he has NO choice but to travel. I told him that I envisioned how frustrating it would be not to have any control over the situation. If he wants his job, he has to go when the company says go. I apologized for not seeing this while we were together and not offering him the support that he needed. I told him that I finally realize how demanding I was and I understood how much pressure and anxiety that added to his life.

For the first time in YEARS, I think he really heard what I was saying. I think we were able to see each other’s point of view and instead of feeling attacked, he recognized that my complaints over the years were somewhat based on my needs, but not completely self centered. I believe that I conveyed that I was not able to communicate it clearly but I was always genuinely concern for his well-being, and happiness too. The company that we worked for is filled with vampires that will feed until you are dead or until you flee. He finally is seeing this on his own…

After a while, it was time to leave. I broke down and handed him an envelope gave him a brief friendly hug, kiss on the cheek, and wished him a Happy Birthday. I walked away to let him open the envelope in private. Inside, there were four tickets to a Yankee baseball game in August. A few minutes after he opened them he came over to me and asked me "WHY". My answer was "I don't want to go there again and again...you know the answer. Enjoy them. You deserve them. He was touched I'm sure. For me, I wanted to do something nice for him, just because.

That night, he left a message on my cell about where he would be meeting me with DS the following day. Along with that he simply stated "thank you for the gift."

Mother's day, I met them at the proper place at the proper time. DS came over to me with a beautiful Mom's day card. He also had TWO beautiful baby (red) rose bushes for me! I was speechless. X then came over and started talking to me. He informed me that both f his parents were ill and that he would have to go and cut their grass later that day. I told him to tell them hello and to wish his mom a happy mother's day. I told him that I wish that there were something that I could do to help him with the stress of taking care of his parents. He then took out a window box from his jeep and that he had taken the trouble to fill with potting soil for me. Dad gave DS money and he had purchased plants at school during the week. Dad wanted to give me the dirt for reasons I don't understand. He placed the dirt in my car.

Well, it was time for me to go. X stood in the parking lot and gave me the signal that it was "okay" to give him a hug. I asked and then he held his arms out and nodded. I grabbed him and squeezed so hard and tightly. He held me the same. Something inside me snapped and I just started bawling like a little baby...I heard myself saying "Big Guy, I love you and I'm SO sorry...please forgive me....". He tried letting go a few times and then changed his mind and held me firmly again all the while saying "It's okay...."

Then I left and cried and cried and cried. I don't know what the heck came OVER me during that hug. It was like the wall of a dam breaking. The emotions swept over me like a tidal wave. The funny thing is that I wasn’t even sad or looking for a hug. He initiated it and I was shocked by it.

Anyway, since then, I’ve been feeling very strange. I’ve gotten to the point where I am not really concerned too much about whether or not he notices me anymore. I went to DS’s T-ball game and X didn’t even acknowledge my presence. He looked at me with his angry (sad?) face but said nothing. He always looks angry or tired these days. I left with DS and haven’t thought much about it since.

I came to the realization that everyone here was right…I did the work to change my beliefs and actions. I’m happy with who I am. I wouldn’t want to be anyone else! I like my life and I’m pleased with how far I’ve come. I’ve learned to stay put when I’m faced with uncomfortable things and work through it until I understand the discomfort. I am a good person with a heart of gold. I can love, let go, and forgive.

The best part….it doesn’t matter what X thinks about it. I am me. His opinions can’t change that. Yes, I hurt him. Yes, I ran away. Guess what. I came back and I came back better than I ever was. I can hold my head up high because THAT was a miracle and I got MYSELF through it. I can’t take what I did back. I did the only thing I could do, apologize and learn from it. If he decided that Am was his path, then I accept that and wish him a happy life with her…

I still wish that I could have had that second chance for DS’s sake. I know though that he will survive too. Hopefully I can teach the kids my lessons so that this doesn’t get repeated in their lives.

I don’t know if he forgave me or not. I do know that we both still feel love for each other. It doesn’t matter if he wants me there romantically. I don’t need him in my life in that context anymore.

I’m there with no strings attached…because I choose to be his friend.

It looks like I received the best gift that I could possibly have received on mother’s day.

Thanks for reading.

and a special thank you to still trying because you helped me to "let go of the rope" and to look into myself yet again...

<small>[ May 16, 2003, 10:07 AM: Message edited by: kily ]</small>

Hi Kily;
What a beautiful statement. It gives me great joy to hear this as it demonstrates that we CAN find unconditional love in our hearts and lives, and the power that it has.

Kily
You are so strong!! Good for you. I am happy to hear your story. I have been feeling alot better lately too- almost free? IT is a good feeling isn't it?
Take care and all the best!!!!
Adgirl

Kily,

You healing continues. You have a lot to be proud of, and I suspect that you will begin to see that you will be a success at your life. Congratulations, on your continued efforts and progress.

God Bless,

JL

Oh Kily hon, I am so very pleased for you. You seem to be finding such a sense of peace and understanding about yourself and you are so right about learning about you and what you need to do.

I very much hope that this understanding continues for you, and you and X can be at a place of friendship because of DS, and well, just perhaps because.......

Take very good care of yourself and have a wonderful weekend.

Lisa

kily:

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

-2long

Kily! Wow! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Suz

Dear Kily,

I was deeply moved by your letter, and very impressed by your insights. Thanks for appreciating my few comments - the hard work was all yours.

I wish you all well,

StillTrying

Kily,

As you know I am a huge admirer of yours, and am so happy to hear that you have been able to take this next step towards being at peace with yourself and your life. You will go far, you have come to learn so much.

Good luck, and I hope you get everything that you wish for. I know you will be happy no matter what.

ALS

KILY
Just amazing my friend.. that story gives me so much hope for the future...I know every story is different.. but it seems that by focusing inward.. things start to happen.
Thanks .. hope all goes well
Cheers!

All-

Thanks for your words of wisdom and support. You all have contributed so much my life and my healing.

I know that I will continue to swing, but the more I practice what I have learned, the less effect the down times will have on me.

I just wanted to quickly note that when I am around X lately, I've noticed that he has a hard time being around ME. He hardly says two words to me, and when we walk he is ten feet in front of me.

I guess that HUG really affected hin too. He is going overboard at protecting his territory. If he stopeed to look, he would see that I am NOT pursuing...

Human interaction is Very interseting.