I hope somebody who reads this can give me some advice. I posted here only once or twice, mostly prefer to read and learn but now don't know what to do. To make my story short dday was Oct. 16/2002. Found out then that there had been three PA's, the last one is till ongoing. My H swears none were EA's in any way. He is dealing with alcohol and sexual abuse issues also.

We started joint counselling in February and stopped easter weekend to give my husband time to deal with his alcohol abuse. He has been sober for 30 days and is working with a substance abuse counsellor but will not at this time tackle the sexual abuse. He is stilling seeing OW and says while he loves me he just wants to be friends. I will admit to LBing many times over his continued involvement with the OW.

This morning when he approached me about counselling he told me that "I am the only woman who will always be in his life and the only woman he would never end a relationship with over something I said or did, but together we are like dynamite and are not good for each other as husband and wife". I know he is referring to my bad temper which after 10 months is till flaring out of control when confronted with evidence of the OW. (My H and I are separated by the way since last August.)

The MC still thinks there is a chance for the marriage even though H says it is over. But everything seems to rest with me. I have to control my temper, stop LBing and make myself look like the better choice. H admits that the physical side of our relationship was the best he has ever had and I am his best friend. He wants to continue going on our long walks and brunches, taking in movies, etc. but just as "friends". Should I just accept this or what should I do. I strongly want the marriage and believe if we both can just learn to communicate and work on some of the other issues we could still be happy. I pray to God every night to open my H's heart and my faith is still strong.

But I need to know - am I fooling myself or does anybody out there think there is still a chance for us despite everything that's happened?

I don't know if I can help, I don't feel like I've been dealing with my M changes for very long, but this is what I had to do.

I was guilty of all the LBs. I realized I couldn't just Plan A, I had to completely change my attitude and actions if I wanted to keep my M.
I am a very sweet person to everyone else except my H. I started learning how I could become that sweet person with him too.

The way I did it was to allow myself to be vulnerable, to cry on his shoulder, to tell him how sad, lonely, afraid, I was. To allow him to make me feel better. I had been using anger to mask my bad feelings for years ("If I get angry enough I can push him away so he can't hurt me again..."). I stopped pushing him away.

It's amazing the transformation I've made....
but....I was ready...and given the choice of losing my H and M or my protection, I was ready to give up my protection, my defense.

You may still feel like you need your defense if you don't trust your H yet. Is there another outlet for your anger and hurt (here?) so you can concentrate on being a good W?

I'm thinking a good spell of time showing him how sweet you can be and then if he still wants to stay with OW, Plan B...N/C with him till he decides to be with you 100%. But you need that time to show him the changes you are making and the good W you can be and what he would miss out on.

Right now you are meeting quite a few of his EN, and she is meeting others...

Hi,

Thanks for your reply. I just came back from a long run (one of the ways I try to deal with the stress and anger) and was glad to see someone replied. I know my anger is a large part of the problem because the OW makes no demands and according to my H is okay with him seeing me on a daily basis. So I know I have to calm down and show him there's another side to me besides the jealous, crazy woman he has been seeing lately.

But it's so hard. The only person I really vent to about my husband is my IC. But things are happening on a daily basis and my IC is not always there to vent to! My H told me this morning that he doesn't think I can change and that it's always going to be the way it was - when I don't get my own way I start a fight. But it's hard to give over control and be vulnerable when for most of the marriage he has been drinking and I've had to stay in control to keep everything going.

What I'm doing now doesn't seem to be working so I'm going to try from today on to be the best W I can be so that he will start to remember all the good times and how it was in the beginning and I'll take your advice and come here to vent so I don't take my hurt out on him.

Thanks

Checking in to see how you're doing!

Had some questions...is H still drinking? and how's the behavior changes coming?

I have changed my behavior for over a month now, but some old habits are starting to creep back in.
What I have managed to do over the years is make my H so scared of me he hasn't told me what he doesn't like about my behavior. Whereas I am hypercritical, he is the opposite. We are talking of ways he can remind me to stay on track with the behavior changes I want to make, and that he wants. It's hard. He's expecting me to go back to the way I was...

But I have to be confident this new loving nature is my true nature.

married4..something smells fishey to me...

Lets just look at this at different angle...

1. he is an alcoholic...
2. he is on his third affair.
3. believes he gets brownie points for claiming it's only sexual,
4. plays his victim card

he said... My H told me this morning that he doesn't think I can change and that it's always going to be the way it was - when I don't get my own way I start a fight.

I hope you didn't get hurt when you fell on the floor laughing so hard....how did you keep from peeing your pants in hystericalness when "mr drinky sleepy with other woman cause I am an addicted poor victim " said such fog induced crappola....attempted to blame lack of reconcilliation on you.....

boy married4 time for you to get back in the drivers seat of your life...and your relationship.

1. get to alanon today...
2. tell hubby no talk about anything till he agrees to no contact with his latest addiction.

You get your anger and frustration under control for you...and you may need to this by limiting contact with him...and doing things in a plan a sort of way..in public only...

imagine YOU being the type of wife you envision being and move from there....

I think NO relationship talk might be good for you....

believe nothing he says...nothing....

get to alanon...

much peace and blessings to you...
ARK