I am not bashing or judgeing I really am just so trying to understand some things . I am the BS as you may ahve guessed and MY WS is I guess CAKE EATING .

THE A happened over two years ago and he is home 14 months , he begged to come back and I let him provding N/C .

HE was honest with me and said , do to the situation OW would call alot till she gets it thriugh her head its over .

ANY WAY don't want to make this long contact never stopped only worse .

WS does everythig open and honest tells me when he talks to her (OW contacts he does not ) TELLS me when together (she can't know he is home )

HE is affectionate , loving , changed alot about himself ect.

THE only thing is this OW seems to be the damsil all the time hard life , no money , XH use to beat her , has a child and no real family conection . IN and out of court all the time cs issues and alot of other no car . YOU get the pisture .

WS discribes there on set of a R as nothing more then pity and got to involved and he felt bad for her as everyday went on .

NOW heres my questions .

WHAT is it about the feeling bad for OP thing ? IS it true ? Is it really 2 sets of guilt ? ONE for OP & one for S ?

AND is this need to fix there life part of FOG?

OR is that part just the human nature ?

CAN this be explained , I mean if any one here feels they will get shot down for explaining it I understand or if its to painful I understand .

I am just desparte to know something , WHY any guilt for OP ?

I am open minded so I can really use this .

WS is with her when she calls him , to be abused thats what he says ,OW just sits there to call him a piece of $hit so she feels better and to make him know he ruined her life just like eveyonre else did and he promised to be different he gave her self esteem when she had none the abandonded her . THE reason why he will not tell he is home cause its bad enough he left her and she flipped out , he can't live with the conseqeses of her knowing it was to come home .

sorry this is long just want to know if any was ever in that same or simalr place . thank you so much if you respond it will help me for I love him and want nothing more then to belive him . BUT it seems sick to me .

I felt bad for hurting the other man when I broke it off because I'm human. Simple as that.

Look, it might not be what you want to hear, but a lot of people who have an affair DO develop strong feelings for their lover. Yes, even love. I did. And I'm sorry, but that doesn't just turn off like a water faucet.

So, in some cases, the one who strayed loved two people and hurt the same two people. It can be excruciating.

As for "why the need to fix" their life, I guess that would depend. Some people, like me, have a bad time with that. Call it codependent or whatever you will, some people just feel they're supposed to go around fixing up other people.

I struggled with that. When I broke with my lover, I knew I he would be living alone in a state 600 miles away from his nearest friend or family member (he had just moved there to take a job two months before). It made me feel godawful to think of him being alone in a city he didn't like, working at a job he wasn't happy with, and then getting dumped on top of it all.

Put yourself in my shoes. You felt strong feelings for this guy and you sent him away when he was at a low point already. Wouldn't you feel bad? Even just a little?

Now, as for your situation in particular, it sounds like you're dealing with a rather disturbed lady. Look into harassment laws in your state. Let her know she can either end her behavior on her own or the court system will help her with it. Enough is enough. There's no reason for you to endure that.

Point out to you husband that what she's doing helps no one. It perpetuates her own anger and grief, it continues to make him feel guilty and it puts you through hell.

3,

My lovely wifes posts might help a little

search for work_n_progress

Hope it helps.

THANKS for the responses , I really do appreciate them and I will look for your wife's posts .

WIEGEE , thank you as well , for some insight , I really want just honesty from my WS . IF he would trll me he loved her or has feelings for for othere then pity I would feel better in a way .

BUT one of the things I was and still think I am trying to do is be a freind and remove myself from the "ROLE " of BS .

THAT has been diffucult because I don't see him being 100% honest .

ALSO , yes I have sat and thought about the being human and loving 2 people I don't close my mind to that , as a matter a fact in the beging I was very supportive of the fact that he felt remorse for OW , it made me feel well that he understands it was wrong to involve someone else in his depression and problems.

IT made me have hope that he has a good heart , to feel bad for what he did to a person who was down on there luck and never intended to stay with them for the long haul .

THERE are days where I HATE the OW and times that I can try to put myself in her shoes .

SHE was a battered person , single mom , no money , no help , and that can be depressing then comes PRINCE CHARMING and starts to make you belive life is not such a terriable thing .

SO she became 100% dependent on him , for everything , her child was happier and money did not seem so important .

SHE had some one to share her pian , I get all of that , I just don't get that will it ever stop for my WS and when she will also just not want to be treated like this anymore . WELL I am rambling

THANK YOU SO MUCH IT does help and I do have understanding on how hard it must be on a WS .

I hope to here from some more . I don't want anyone to have triggers by going into detail about this . I hope it did not upset or bring up anything to surface . TU

BUMP