Hi Everyone,
It's been a long time since I posted. Haven't had much to say and haven't felt that I had any great insights to share. Some of you regulars are so incredibly helpful, it's hard to add things to what you have already said.
Anyway, my story is like most of yours. My WS is 45, I'm 44. Dday was 12/01- he is (was?) having a PA with a 28 yo coworker. He moved out 7/01.
I have been a model Plan "A"er. All those months since August '02- I have done what I feel is a great job, but NOTHING was happenenig. Nothing.
Then, last month, I thought things might be moving a teeny bit in the right direction.
The ice was melting, he was nice to me, and we even had dinner with the kids twice , at his request. I even have some reason to believe that the R with the OW is in trouble.
But today, he called at 9am to say he was bringing the kids home now (it was his weekend with them) because they were "misbehaving" and they wanted to come home.
Against my better judgement, I said ok. when he brought them home, I said," You know, the kids need to know that you will take care of them and be there for them no matter if their behavior is good or bad. Also, I need to know that I can make plans without worrying that the kids might need to come back if they misbehave."
He then said,"This is hard for me. I'm trying to be a good father..etc,etc." From that he jumps to, "I don't know how long I can keep doing this (meaning separtion)."
I said , "You do what you have to do."
He then ends up taking the kids again to church and lunch and won't be back til later is this afternoon.
My question (finally) to all of you veterans is why Mr. Nice Guy for a month and now he's bringing up that D thing? Is this the "typical" coming out of the fog or is it time to Plan B or do something else?
Thank you from the bottom of my humble heart.

bump..it's confusing I know. Interested in how other's respond.
I hope you have a good week and focus on you.
Can't Sleep

Hi CS,
I don't know if you remember me, but we corresponded a few times last summer.
Our timelines and stories are so strikingly similar, except I haven't gone to the D thing ...yet.
I saw your recent post and can only commiserate- I have no words of wisdom.
As I saw my WH drive off yesterday after dropping the kids off, I thought, "how could anyone who hurts so many people like this deserve to feel so good about themselves?" Life is unfair.
Keep in touch.

Hi PB,

I see that you also have noticed that life is unfair. I think it often feels that way. I will say that you can have a happy life even though things don't always go your way.

As long as you have been in plan A, I recommend a change. If something doesn't work, then change what you are doing.

Here is a post that may help explain -
cerri on plan A

And another that may help you change how you react to your H's requests like bringing the children back early -
Mthrrhbard on Plan A and natural consequences

You have lived enough summers to know that we have to make our happiness as we go along, we don't wait for this or that to happen so we can be happy.

I hope you are happy most days.

SS

It sounds to me like OW could be pressuring him alot to divorce you to be with her- thats what I discovered was leading my WS to initiate the divorce talks with me when sometimes he would be warm one day then bring up D the next. I didn't realize at the time how much OW was insisting he take further legal action. When he brought up the D word he would say it was 'for the best' that our marriage was hopeless and counseling couldn't help' and that 'divorce wouldnt harm our kids'- all ideas that he DIDN"T believe in before his affair began. In my case H actually DID file for D on me even though he knew I was against it and the day I was served he finally had an emotional break-down and started to gradually come out of the fog. Take care! lifeismessy

Dear StillSeeking,

Thanks for the valuable posts. I've printed them out and plan to read them over and over. There is so much good info buried on this site and I appreciate you showing these particular posts to me.
I am mostly happy. I've come a long way from a year ago. I have regained my self esteem, I feel more like myself and I've really learned to be grateful for all of the support I've received from friends (both those who know me and all of the wonderful people here- this site has been such a great help to me!)It truly has been a learning experience for me in many ways.
I tell my kids all the time that life isn't fair- but I guess one of the things I just can't get past is to accept that this was a conscious decision on his part to start an affair, not work on the marriage, and then have the gall to be happy about it!!!
I also agree with changing Plan A. I am not LBing for the most part, I try to limit our interactions, and I don't initiate anything unless forced to (ie scheduling or money issues)
It's tough to Plan B with small children and I don't think a Plan B letter would be helpful, but I very well me wrong. I'd appreciate any thoughts on this.
To Lifeismessy,
Your words went straight to my heart and give me some hope. When my H brought up the D word to me yesterday, he had tears in his eyes (and he's generally not a tear-showing guy.)I do believe the OW is pressuring him. They went to Ireland on one of his business trips last month. It was shortly after that trip that he began the nice stuff. It may be coincidence........
Anyway, one of the best things about this site is reading the experiences of the "guides" that have been down the many possible paths and gathering info from their experiences. As everyone is, i want to be an MB success story and will give back to the others here no matter what the outcome.

Help!
Any other thoughts/words of encouragement?

PB,
Of course I remember you from my posts! I am sorry you are still frustrated. The last two days (I know, only 2 days) I have been so certain in my belief that things need to be separated and no more friendly visits, calls, etc. and I feel so much better. I am looking ahead. Really. In fact, STBXH called today to say hi. And I was very business like and ended the conversation..felt so better to know that I am not being lead into our fake friendship mode again. Admittedly, some residual anger left due to everything I'm left to deal with (selling house, etc and he helped someone move this weekend..wonder who?)..In an ideal world, I would be able to be his friend. But for me, the only way I can remain consistently healthy..is to stay away. I have never got an apology, an explanation about the OW, etc..I think some WH's are never going to do that for us. The only closure we'll get is what we do for ourselves.
I'm thinking about you..wishing you sunny days..and feeling your pain.
Can't Sleep

Dear can't sleep,
I agree with what you've said. I really believe that I would be much better off doing a NC with the WH. But how do you do that with children? I guess it's time to plan B. I'm already dreading going to my son's baseball game tomorrow night. The WH will put on his "father of the year act" and I'll be forced to be pleasant. If I don't go, my son will be upset and I'll be wishing I was there. I feel like a trapped animal at times with no good choices on how to act. But I think I'll be there and try to limit interactions by being business- like. How have you been dealing with this?