I would love to learn about any perspectives and experiences with FALSE RECONCILIATION. My WS moved back home for 3 weeks, even moving all of his furniture (except his bed, of course) out of his new condo. He seemed like himself again for about 2 weeks, very affectionate, loving, talkative. Then, BAM, he became his old WS self and asked for a legal separation which I have agreed to. The reconciliation came after 3 months of cake-eating during which time he was promising to come back home.

He can't understand why I did not see that he was "TRYING". He seems to want me to be appreciative that he TRIED. However, from my perspective this period made it worse for me. It built my hopes up. Now, I'm feeling hopeless. However, during this week, by phone, he has slipped and said "I love you" and said he feels that he has to "go through this window". I'm thinking, though, by choosing her, he feels like he is in love with her and I should give up.

What are your thoughts? What worked for you after the FALSE RECONCILIATION? What do you think this is all about other than the addiction/fog?

Any comments would be appreciated.

My H, too, tried the fake reconciliation. Never figured out what it was all about. D-Day was early January. We went to counseling, he was "sure" he wanted the marriage, the affair meant nothing. Very strong. But some time later, I was aware that the recovery wasn't going according to recipe -- somehow, things weren't coming together. I thought each case was individual, maybe the recipe was wrong for us. In March, I found out he'd had a "relapse" 2 or 3 weeks earlier, and was in constant communication with his beloved OW. I asked him to leave a few weeks later, after doing my best Plan A.

I don't think there's much you can do. H has made his choice. Now he has to live with OW. He wouldn't listen to me -- now he'll have to listen to her.

A.M. I admire you. You seem to have recovered quickly from your WS' relapse. Are you doing PLAN B? Are you in contact with him at all? How did he explain his relapse?

Thanks for your response.

I think it has to do with the following - WS coming back to marriage, but not letting go of OP. With that in mind, he/she will "give it a chance" - but in fact, closely observing and noting all mistakes, differences, imagined differences, in order then to say: Well, OP is actually better (and as they don’t see each other, maybe the distance make it feel even better), I was doing the right thing when I started the A, I was giving my marriage a chance, but it's not working.
Sort of a pseudo-chance aimed at rationalising and making past actions right in hindsight.
…At the same time, BS asks him/herself - what the f*** is going on, why doesn’t our relationship work? He seems to be back, though….

mimi,

We had a few false recoveries also. I agree that my lovely wife never really gave up the what-if with the OM. That did make it extremely difficult for us. IMVHO, as long as the OP is still in the picture the BS can't really compete.

He can't understand why I did not see that he was "TRYING". He seems to want me to be appreciative that he TRIED.

My lovely wife said this very thing. That all of her trying was an internal struggle. I believe that she had a lot of inner turmoil. She would get upset if I read too much into an I love you, a hug or a kiss and then get upset if I wasn't appreciative enough of the small things.

You can't control your husband's actions but you can control how you react to them.

Good luck and God bless

I had a pretty extreme form of the False Reconciliation experience(s), but one with a happy outcome.

My H & I separated 7 times, 14 months out of 21. D Day was 8 months into his co-worker PA and began the 2nd reconciliation, which was the longest at 3 months (well, the longest until the real one).

The longest separation was the last one at 5 months, during which I served D papers myself. I walked into H's office and found him emailing the OW, just shortly after we'd been to the counselor's office where H said he wanted the marriage. At that point the PA had been over for 4 months & she was dating H's former housemate. I called him an [censored] and made the lawyer appt.

About 3 months later we reconciled and that was 3 years ago.

I had done an 18 month Plan A, and long and miserable as it was, I believe it was the right thing for me to have done. When I gave up (not just let go), the contrast in my behavior from the Plan A was huge.

I realize an 18 month Plan A isn't appealing to anyone...but it did establish that my negative behaviors had changed and stayed changed over many months, and also that I truly was committed and loved him. Things he doubted, maybe the fog, but I'll take some blame for his thinking that I didn't really love him. I had angry outbursts for years that I made no attempt to lessen. Now I haven't gotten good and angry for a long, long time because I learned to manage LBs.

And it also gave the OW plenty of time to start her own demanding *****y behavior <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> .

I also was fortunate during the separations that my H did want to see the kids often, called & came over almost every day. It did give him fence sitting/cake eating behaviors...but I also failed at Plan B twice, I couldn't manage the no contact when he wanted to see the kids.

We had some great times during the separations--actually went to Disney World between seps 5 & 6!

So, I guess, given my experience, I'd say, make the changes you want to make in yourself and if you have the opportunity to show those changes to your spouse, do so. Plan A 6 months (at least <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ).

At the same time, if you are separated, I think I made my mistakes in letting my H slide home without really seeing any changes in his behavior. When we reconciled the last time, we'd been going to our counselor. H had actually done his own Plan A to me for 3-4 months showing a consistant effort, he'd gone on anti-depressants (part of the problem was his depression and the OW an attempt at self-medication, besides being so "nice & beautiful".)

There were good reasons for me to stop the divorce and try another reconciliation. And, now, having a great husband, my marriage vows renewed this past January, my family together, those father-child relationships healed before my eyes, I have no regrets for an 18 month Plan A or that it took over 2 years from the time his PA started before we reconciled.

2 bad years in our 20 year marriage isn't that much of the whole.

Lor:

I really appreciate your post. I'm struggling today to decide what to do.

During the 3 months of my WS' cake-eating , we got along better than we had in years.

I tried PLAN B and goofed today. Yesterday was so miserable. I felt so awful and just had to see him. He responded positively and came over and we had a great talk.

He seems to have sincerely missed me during my no contact and jumped at the chance to get together. He talked about being fearful that my changes during PLAN A won't last. This makes me think that I should continue in PLAN A.

Others in my other thread URGENT HELP NEEDED have encouraged me to do PLAN B.

I'm confused. I do feel alot better having seen him.

Hello mimi1254

For a short period of time (5days) short vacation, we tryed to have fun, go to movies, the beach, eat not at home. I guess it didn't do, H didn't stayed at home and I'm into plan A myself not been able to fulfill much of his needs because we have reached almost NC.

Have faith and put it on Gods hands. I know is hard, I'm experiencing this myself, but there is only so much I can do, I can not force him to love me or to return, he has to be convinced he really want it, otherwise this recovery issue would be false for both of us.

Have faith and be strong.

Take care

Mimi,
I scanned through your "urgent" thread.

I already said I failed at Plan B...twice, so I'm not a very good advocate for it. And, I admit 18 mos in Plan A has some elements of craziness to it too, but...well...I wasn't very good at it to start. Decreasing and getting rid of LBs took me a long time.

I'm glad you have counseled with Steve Harley. I got lucky on our 3rd try at a counselor with a Christian counselor who himself had been a serial WS 15 years before (pre-Christian days). We ended up counseling with him on & off for almost 2 years.

What he counselled me to do was in keeping with Plan A...which he said was like heaping coals on my H's head. The kinder and more loving I was, the worse H felt. And that was the way it worked, but it wasn't any fun living through it. The C was against my serving the D papers, but was for letting any natural consequences happen to my H.

Like you, I set up my own account, later on I also gathered all the financial info, set regular visitation, though I was flexible with it and with H coming to the house to spend time with the kids. He didn't have a good place to take them and there is only so much mall & pizza one can do on school nights. My kids' well-being was a higher priority at that point that restoring my marriage.

I liked LOVE MUST BE TOUGH, it helped me with my mindset. Another book that isn't recommended much here is RECONCILABLE DIFFERENCES by Jim Talley. I recently re-read it, and realized how much difference it made in my ability to stay at the point where reconciliation was possible for me, if my H also was willing.

You don't have a lot of control over your H right now (or maybe ever), so I would encourage you to do what you can to make your life good for you now. Hobbies, movies, hiking, above all, some kind of exercise, which will help with sleep and make you physically strong, even if you aren't so sure about your emotional or mental strength at times.

It's hard for me to make a guess that if I had not done such a long Plan A what the outcome would have been, but my feeling is earlier on, my H did want a divorce. He surely said so often enough. But he never saw a lawyer, even when I served him the papers. I tend to think had I cut contact and/or served papers earlier, that we would be divorced now.

Even the failed reconciliations sometimes had good things about them. Co-worker affairs are pretty miserable...my H couldn't deal with the contact, even when he had good intentions. Now, his behavior doesn't have to do with "intentions" but with his real actions, not "trying" but doing. It made a world of difference. But it was something he had to come to on his own, nothing I could force or control.

Controlling myself and knowing I was following a Plan, setting my own goals, helped me a lot, even when it took so long to have any sort of positive outcome managing myself and knowing why I was being kind & loving when there didn't seem to be any change for such a long time was a strength-growing experience.

My H wouldnt end his A which he claimed was his soulmate true love single coworker!, so I asked him to move out to 'think.' He did for a month but kept stopping by to see the kids and have dinner and shovel the snow etc! I wish now I had put firmer limits on how often I would have let him come by. He finally did move back in after a month claiming he wanted to reconcile then he proceeded to sleep on the couch for the next 2 months and avoiding me in the house except to mention divorce.Of course he lied about continuing contact with OW during this time- I discovered it by randomly checking his cell phone log button for previous calls he had made. After two months of THAT I was ready to legally kick him off the couch so I consulted an attorney and made plans to do that and told him so in a calm and matter of fact way. That was the catalyst( along with OW's constant pressuring on him to file for D on me) that made him want to reconcile for real. I only wish I had been alot more clear about setting firm boundaries before I let him move back in the house after we were separated the first time. Take care- lifeismessy

Hi to All:

It's so wonderful to know that I am not alone, that there are people out there in the world who know what I am going through.

I am feeling a lot better right this minute. I read LOR's post and decided to call my WS on his cell. He picked up, sounding receptive to my call. I expressed my love but also communicated my decision to continue to back off and wait for him. Basically, this is continuing with the DOBSON APPROACH, combined with PLAN A. I have to keep remembering that has worked best for us.

The problem for me, as I have indicated ,is the grieving that I have been going through over the past few days since this is really the longest period of time that he has really been away from me. I have been continuously weepy. I went and got my antidepressants refilled and will try to stay busy.

Thanks for being there, all of you.

Take Care and keep me in your prayers.

Mimi,

I am a plan B advocate. I might not have done a good plan B but I certainly recognize it's benefits.

I learned to refoce and not try to restore the M. I learned to focus and work on myself and my family unit. Refocusing that way helped me see how much the WS had made himself dependent on me. He allowed his emotional needs and PA go be filled by the OW yet, I met the security part of the EN. I provided the homelife he had but chose to give up (when he moved out). He kept coming back for the tidbits of it and seemed contented with just that. Well I couldn't handle tidbits for my child and myself. It was all or nothing.

The WS would make me feel guilty and my ENs began to show up. I am a giver by trait and had learned long ago to suppress my needs. Well plan B helped open me up in that regard. It did so whether it incovienced the WS or not. I was still thoughtful but no longer willing to be the doormat. I was still helpful but no longer willing to be used by he and the OW. You see, when they fought, I bore the brunt of their anger.... both of them. When I needed the WS to act like a father or even an H, he wasn't there for me. Not in any way I could count on. That made me angry enough so that plan B became more of a relief than a pressure.

Those desires for the Ws grow less and less. Espacially when I recalled his lameo exucses about his fear of MY changing...... I learned to meet those excuses and babble back "ya you're right, I am afraid of you (WS) NOT changing)."

I learned that the more I put back on the wS , the less pressure I felt. That helped me through those rough 1st few weeks (about 2 months for me). But MB here kept sending that LB fairie and every time I stepped out of the, I got a loving whack and a half! LOL!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Mimi, this pressure you are feeling will lesson over time. Don't let his babble scare you. You are better and stronger than that. Let him know that you may be doubting his recovery. Let him know you may be wondering if you want him back at all. I told him, he was not allowed back as is. Each time he set us backwards, he had to now earn his way back even more than the previous time. Like Emeril, I 'kicked it up a notch' and the requirements got higher not lower. They only lessened for the ones that I could and it was when I was confortable to do so. If he grumbled about too many restrictions, I showed him the door. Really!!!

So for us, there were several false recoveries..... about 5 - 6.

L.

Mimi,

Tired and woozy from a depressing day with auto repairs...the life of a single mother! I even initiated contact with H by phone, as I really don't understand the car. No LBs, just a request for info (see 100 Days of Plan A thread...)

We're not quite in Plan B. Call it B+. Yes, I did recuperate quite quickly from the false recovery. I had gotten used to being lied to. I'm not sure it's a taste one should acquire.

Our communication is almost entirely by email. There are early signs of disaffection with OW...those, too, may be false. Best advice: don't believe anything you hear, and only half of what you see. Even better: don't take daily, or hourly, temperature. Look at general trends. My H has not asked to move back. He does not say he loves me. Etc.

I'm trying to plan for life without H. He's deep in Fogland, and I don't want to go there.

More anon...

<small>[ May 20, 2003, 01:34 AM: Message edited by: A.M.Martin ]</small>