This is a link to a article on infidelty in the Minnesota Star Tribune. It is a four part series stating today and going through Wednesday.

I have not read it yet but my W noticed it and mentioned it to me. I will read it later tonight and give you all an update.

Anyway here is the link: Star Tribune Article

Happy reading!

Interesting subject. Most affairs, the betrayer is afraid to admit their wrong doing. Most want their spouse to lower themselves to the betrayers level.

Like my x-husband. Told me that he wanted the Other woman, and that I should have the OW's husband. I was so appalled, by his coerce words.
Reading the topic above, it is the normal. They want us to look as bad as they do. They want the one that was betrayed to go to their low level. And most of us won't. I wouldn't have an affair in my marriage. I know I wouldn't, and I talked to the Harleys about it. I asked them if some of us morally, have committment. And they said, yes, that there was a good chance I would of never had an affair. Cause I was not promiscious before my marriage. My x-husbands body was the only man I had ever had in my life. But my x-husband, had 3 women before we married, and then of course one in our marriage, that I know of.

Maybe there are more, I don't know.

What Brian and Vanessa did, was basically most of us did. We started putting our priorities in the wrong places. Most of us were trying to survive. Trying to get ahead, and our kids became the focus of our attention. Most of us didn't concentrate on ourselves, and our spouse. I know that is what my x-husband and I did.

And Vanessa did the right thing from the beginning. She told the truth of her affair. My x-husband didn't even have the thoughtfulness to tell me he had sex with the other woman. And then later, much later, we had sex. So the thoughtfulness was selfish to him only. He didn't care one way or the other about me, and if I was to get AIDS or STD from this women who had more than 1 affair in her marriage.

Vanessa - did love her husband, but like most of us, we started separating ourselves from our spouse, and didn't work on the marriage. Those who find the separation starting early, get the right track going, by counseling, and finding time for each other. Bonding, and doing things together. Why did my x-husband and I marry, because there was a genuine love, we had similar thoughts, and likenesses. But we had our first child 9 months later, and it was difficult, living on a low income, without insurance, and trying to survive.

Brian, is facing a hardship in life. And what he did when he demeaned his wife at the counselor, was an outburst. He was betrayed, and his wife was hurt. He should of not did the outburst, but it happens. To forgive one another is adulthood.

Faith4me- Thanks for your reply, I have yet to actually read the article myself. It was interesting to hear what the Harley's told you that you would not have an A because of your personality. I too have only had one partner in my life, my W. She on the other hand has had several. I see some similarities to your ex-H. To forgive is adulthood, that is right. What I am struggling with is how do you forgive sometihng that cuts soooo deep?

Anyway here is the link to today's article.
Monday's Article

Here it is:Part 3

STTSI-

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">"How do you deal with anger toward someone you love?"

"Don't ask me," Vanessa said. 'I had an affair.' "

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">WOW! I am speechless...

Kily- Yeah, that one got me too! Very interesting article though.

Thanks!

Good stuff......exxxxxxxxxcellent!

this is an awesome series!

I can't wait for part 4! Thanks for posting this series!

Jen

Thanks Still Trying To Save It! I really liked the series ... and I'm not trying to steal your thunder but I couldn't wait . . . here is the link to part four

What I thought was interesting was the poll results that the paper is getting 50% said if they were in Brian's place they would end it.

While the majority said that if they were in Vanessa's place they'd do whatever it took to save the marriage.

http://www.startribune.com/

Thanks again Still Trying To Save It I really had trouble waiting for installments 3 and 4 <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

<small>[ May 21, 2003, 07:04 AM: Message edited by: way2 ]</small>

I wonder if it was fiction or not. She got him back so easily, with just that one note. I ended my A with d-day. I've apologized more times than I can ever count. I never told my H I loved OM. I never loved OM. I told my H I loved him since day 1. I've written him several letters and notes and emails. He ignores them all or makes fun of me for writing them. Things are still a mess. I know every situation is different in its own way, but my bet is it is fiction.

Jen

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Jen Brown:
<strong>I wonder if it was fiction or not. She got him back so easily, with just that one note. I ended my A with d-day. I've apologized more times than I can ever count. I never told my H I loved OM. I never loved OM. I told my H I loved him since day 1. I've written him several letters and notes and emails. He ignores them all or makes fun of me for writing them. Things are still a mess. I know every situation is different in its own way, but my bet is it is fiction.

Jen</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Jen your so called PA was 2 drunken ONS.

ONS are the LEAST emotionally involved of all A's, and so in your case it was NOT surprising that you were able to end something that for all practical purposes never got started, and wanted your H back. Most A's do involve an emotional connection between the WS and the OP, that becomes addictive and decreases the love the WS has for the BS.

It surprises me that you beleive that this story might be a piece of fiction considering that you have become more knowledgeable about A's, and because you have probably read so many stories here at the forums, that bear striking similarities with this story.

I agree completely. It practically read like our story. Only my hubby wasn't nearly as emotional in front of me. Had he been, we probly would have had a similiar ending. Instead it took finding out he was moving on to pull my head out.

I think it sounds very non-fiction. Very interesting links...thanks for sharing this!

I guess I just am frustrated that in this situation it seemed to work out so quickly once the WS was out of the fog, and my own never did. But the differences between their sitch and mine are huge, I know.

TMCM, your posts to me have a condascending tone to them lately. Are you just fed up with me?

Jen

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">TMCM, your posts to me have a condascending tone to them lately. Are you just fed up with me?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Nah! it probably has to do with the fact that I've started cutting down on the caffeine and I'm going thru some withdrawl. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">-- Affairs occur mostly because of sexual attraction.

False. As one therapist tells men: You're attracted not by how your lover looks but how (adoringly) she looks at you.
----Shirley Glass
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">THAT is incredibly profoundly true. Excellent series.

The Harleys talked on Monday about the series. The author came to the radio studio and interviewed WH. I think it most certainly was real and not fiction, but as in all retellings, so much gets left out due to space and time confinements.

C

I figured it time for me to chime in on my own post.

Yes it seems very real to me! In the interest of time and space there is no way they could re-count all of the dark moments and second thoughts they had about recovery. I am sure it wasn't just a you left me a loving note so now I will take you back. I am sure both of them had their dark moments where they questioned their reasons for staying. I think that it is natural for us as humans to second-guess motives. I, in fact have been going through one of those second-guessing moments lately.

Very interesting article but I noticed one thing missing. In most A's the WS and/or the BS are usually suicidal at some point. I don't recall any mention of that.

I wish I would have heard the radio show on Monday.

I don't know if its fact or fiction all I know is I would love to hear those words from my H and really have him mean , ACT, and follow thru on them... It would make my day ...It would for sure melt my heart. A great way to start if nothing else.

<small>[ May 21, 2003, 12:53 PM: Message edited by: foreverandoneday ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by foreverandoneday:
<strong>all I know is I would love to hear those words from my H and really have him mean , ACT, and follow thru on them... It would make my day ...It would for sure melt my heart. A great way to start if nothing else.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I have said those same words to my FWW before and at the time I mean it but later I start to question MY motives. I feel deep down inside that we will recover but not a day goes by that I don't question why she is here and why I am here. I don't know if this is normal or not.

There was a brief line about how Brian became very depressed, not suicidal but deeply depressed. One of the sidebars on today's link had some info on moving forward and looking back to see where the progress really occured. Very good article, highlights that marriages can be saved following infidelity.

C