Hello

Today it's been 3 months since dday and I'm having a hard day coping with all again.

I been trying to plan A myself, not been pushy to H, taking out many pounds for the AS need but he doesn't see it cause we went sort of NC.

He told me he needs to see me go on without him and need the separation so he can crave for me...

Right now I don't know if those are more excuses for his fog talk or if he is still with the OW, he says not but how can I tell? he is having the same lisfestyle as before at his parents, the difference is geography.

He is not home and I trully miss him very much.
I don't see us returning at the same as before, but also I don't see him working in his issues so I don't really know if this can be fixed at all and I'm tired of being in limbus.

I know I have to got more patiente but don't know until when my hopes will shred and really I want to save my M, he is a good man and I still love him very much <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> .

Any help would be appreciated

Well

On thursday we are going to do the salle of the apparment to my mom.

He still has not acknowledge going to the IC the last time he promised, and I'm wondering why is that.

Email comunications are getting more dry by the day and I really don't have a clue what does he wants now from me.

I really have tryed nnot to be pushy at all and let him live his life. But each day I feel this is more hopeless than the day before and although I don't want my M to end in any way I don't see this heading anyother way.

Any advise words?

mati,

Has he went to IC yet?

Are you going yourself?

I think he stoped going to IC

I'm still going myself.

Please I need help here now.

Someone pointed out that maybe he misses me and I'm not meeting any needs and I want to write him an email about how I feel and how much I miss him. This plan B is not getting results at all we are farther away.

I don't want that I want to recover my M!

What should I do? email him or not? please help!

Hmmm seems to me he wants things all his way and you are accomodating him.

Why should you accomdate someone who has basically pushed you away while having an affair?

I always hesitate to suggest taking a hard stand because if it backfires I wouldn't want the guilt.

But it appears that your patience is being rewarded with further rejection.

Perhaps you should at least explore a legal seperation.

Its not permanent. Can be if you want but it isn't until you take further steps.

What it will do is allow you to ponder the future without him. And it will force him to recognize that you will move on if he doesn't get a grip on what he wants.

At least he will have to make a move good or bad. As it stands now you are on hold which serves no benefit to you.

If making every effort to save your marriage is met by your wayward spouse saying he wants to move on without you then maybe its time to see if that is truly what he wants or just the fog talking.

Since no one has asnwered I'll wait

The email should be something like this...

Dear Husband

I don't know if it's good that I write this email to you at this moment of our lifes, but I feel like I need to say you some things that maybe you don't know or realize at this moment.

I'm sorry if in any chance I helped to create the climate for you to have and A, I'm sorry if I didn't where for you when u needed me most when we found out we couldn't have kids, I leave that choice to God and blame it to your lifestyle and I know I was very wrong. I didn't hear you at that time and didn't knew how to act better.

I wanted to tell you that I forgive you for the A and all the pain that you have caused me, I guess we both didn't knew better and let life lead us without stoping to think much.

Also I want you to know that now I know there are no guaranties in love and I'm willing to give you all the time you need to think this over if you want to return or not.

I still remember in december that talk we got about this being one of the bad times in M for you and I supported you and stopped pushing. I guess all this time is also a part of that, but I will continue to support you in whatever way you lead me to, just let me know what you need, and I promise I will do my best.

I miss you very much dear love

Is it good I'll write this?

Matilde,

I have my doubts about sending this email.

What's the goal?
Are you telling him anything new?
Are you reminding him of something he forgot?

Right now, I think you can help your situation by not making him the hub of your wheel - by getting busy with things - taking care of yourself, spending time with your friends, hobbies etc. Since he's not around, if you can get the time and money, maybe take a little trip for a couple of days to someplace interesting - either alone or with another lady. You need to be looking self-confident, moving forward etc.

There may come a time (probably will) in his A - in which he will be not so happy with OW - and at that time, you want to be looking good - not just physically but in your attitude toward life. That part is the same whether you are in Plan A or Plan B or whatever. Make the most of yourself. Don't hang on his every communication. I know it's hard.

If it is truly Plan B, you need to be unavailable - not answering his emails etc. If you have business you have to do together, well do it in a cool, friendly, non-personal manner. Save all the "miss-you"'s for another time.

As long as he knows that you are just sitting and waiting for him, he will feel free to play - knowing that if it doesn't work out, he can come home to you. When he sees you moving forward in life (not yet with another man, but just being vital - going on with life), while no longer seeming to wait for him, then he will begin to doubt that you will always wait for him.

So, I think your goal here is to be the best you that you can be - an attractive, interesting person - while giving him solid doubts that you will always be there for him.

Using a financial metaphor, you need to maximize your apparent value, while making it clear that on his present course, he will lose that value. Then, when a moment comes when he doubts his present course, he will both have something in you that he wants to pursue and have reason to believe that he must act decisively to save his chance to win you back.

Just my opinion. I may be wrong.

-AD

<small>[ May 20, 2003, 11:45 AM: Message edited by: AD ]</small>

See? I was probably wrong. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Listen to them.

Suz <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

Hello AD...

Too late I did send the email.

Let me explain...

I'm indeed changing, I'm getting stronger, geting thiner and in all a better person again.

I have not filled up many need of him yet and althought he might got tired of the A, he can also be tired of me, and I DO want to save my M, So I thought there was not bad in filling up a little the bank even if it was via an email. I needed to say to him how I feel no matter if it's good for the oucome or not. I never shut down my emotions to him NEVER. And I'm not planing on starting now.

Maybe I did good or wrong?? I just don't know I just needed to express him my love. It's still there...

Matilde,

You know him best. You know what he needs.

But ( <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> ) ...

I think that having send that, he knows where you stand.

Only problem I notice is that you wrote that you forgive him without making it clear that you strongly disapprove of him continuing in his A - and require him to break it completely before he can get back together with you. Forgiving him for the past is wondeful (if you can do it). But forgiving an ongoing offense is the same as saying that you think it is OK for the A to continue.

Just my two-cents.

-AD

<small>[ September 25, 2003, 06:38 PM: Message edited by: AD. ]</small>

Mati,

I agree with AD. It seems that your H is aware of how you feel towards him. Do stuff for yourself. I have went back to school, took up the guitar and working on the tan. Like you said to me earlier...live, not exist.

Regardless of what happens with your H, you will still have yourself. I saw this quote and hopefully you'll like it:

"This is the beginning of a new day. You have been given this
day to use as you will. You can waste it or use it for good.
What you do today is important because you are exchanging a
day of your life for it. When tomorrow comes, this day will be
gone forever; in its place is something that you have left
behind...let it be something good."

God bless

Turned out I did write the email but didn't send (I'll explain later)...

I'm trying to live my life one day at a time and really all you guys thank you for your insight

A.D. Thanks for your clear words... sometimes I think is me who is in the fog and very much in love with H, but you where right.

d_rose thanks for your words to me, you are right about the day and I feel like I'm loosing them, not much now as before but still have to make many changes in myself...

Suz don't be hard on yourself, you are the one that know more about my sittuation and yes we are been naive??? even so I appreciate your concern and advices as you got no idea..

Seems to me H is still lying and in the Fog. My words of love are just going to bounce once more... You where all right.

I have to let time pass and work in myself, I'm doing it... I'm planing on taking dancing lessons (latin dance)... I'll let you know when I start, the shift is not ready yet the one that will work for me anyhow they said until late June early July...

Again many thanks for your words and your support... I know my life will get better, just not now, but it will...

<small>[ May 20, 2003, 02:31 PM: Message edited by: matilde ]</small>