I don’t think my wife(WS) is ever going to come back to the marriage or even have anything to do with me. The time between us talking to each other just keeps getting longer and longer over time, at first we didn’t speak but every 2-3 weeks and now it is going like every 4-5 months.
It is very obvious that my wife doesn’t want to have anything to do with me any more. A lot of people are telling me I need to file so that I can move on in my life. Or at least start the process of moving on in my life. The reason I haven’t filed is because my wife(WS) started all of this and she wants nothing to do with the marriage or me so I feel in the end she should be the one to end it. I feel she has gotten everything in this and in the end if I file I once again give her something she wanted. I feel I have gotten nothing out of all of this like she has. There is part of me that still has hope but as each day goes on that hope gets smaller and smaller. I really don’t know who my wife is any more. It is sad....
So I turn to people for their advice on what I should do? Do I go file myself? Do I not file and make her file unless that day comes that I feel I really need to go out there and file? My wife says she hasn’t filed yet because she doesn’t have the money and is afraid that I will drag out the divorce.
Any advice???

Yes, the BS can file first with no stigma. Your wife can spin the story her way, whether you file first or not. Sometimes there is a financial reason for not filing, or for dragging it out. In your wife's case, the present state of limbo seems to not affect her romantic life, but it obviously affects yours.

You can't "make" her file, no more than you could "make" her stop the affair. That could be a very long wait. On this Web site, the elder Harley says that many married couples end their lives separated.

I don't know what you should do, but only suggest that your decision be based on your own feelings, interests, and plans. You don't even know what she's really thinking, so how could you take it into account?

Good luck...

- Tom

tmmx....

I don't know what she is thinking or doing right now. However I can tell you the last time we did speak about us this is what she said to me...

I have made the right decision in life to walk away. I am never coming back to the marriage. I love you but I am not in love with you. The physical attraction that should be there for me to be in the marriage is no longer there. I am just no longer there...

With her saying this for almost over a year now and I haven't heard or seen her hit rock bottom. How am I suppose to think one day my wife of old will come back?
I know I can't make anyone do anything and that includes my wife. But when someone doesn't talk to me nor even act like she has an ounce of care in the world towards me, well it is hard to think she may come back and want to make it work.
I would wait a long time if I knew I was going to have back that person that I did marry. However there is no guarantee on she will come back at all.

It sounds to me that your wife has moved on with her life and doing what she wishes to do in her life while you stay stagnant. There is no stigma for you to file. This will allow you an opportunity to move on with your life and stop putting it on hold. Are you willing to wait until she remarries again? You were a full person before you met her and will be a full person after. She refuses to have anything to do with you or even talk to you. Do you wish to have a full life or be Mr. Standby? I wish you luck.

C_G-

Sorry to read that things have continued to remain status quo with your WW. You know, I think the question you're asking is really a individual decision. Different situations require different actions, know what I mean? In your case, it sounds like you've been in limbo to a certain degree for a long time while she carries on like nothings wrong.

Are you willing to continue the present situation (living across from her parents right?) indefinitely? If she's showing little remorse, you could be twisting for a long time. And she mentioned that she loves you but not like a person should love their spouse? Whatever. All that tells me is that her needs are being met by someone else. And you deserve alot more than that...

20% of people who stay separated never divorce, they just stay separated.

My wife left in Feb 99. After very little contact, in Sep 00, I asked her if we could get together to talk about everything. She said she would let me know. Never did. I filed in Aug 01, completed in Jan 02. She still doesn't know it yet.

When you are ready to do it, you will do it.

<small>[ May 19, 2003, 03:14 PM: Message edited by: Chris -CA123 ]</small>

For some reason I just can't kick myself in gear to do what I need to do. Everyone else see's that my wife has moved on in her life and I haven't. I think what makes me hold back is I know this is going to be the hardest part of them all is throwing in the towel. I know I need to sell the house and get away from the in-laws. The part that I hate is I will be the one getting the house ready to sell it, etc... As far as filing. Why am I so stupid and I still think it could change when it seems it isn't?

Why am I so stupid and I still think it could change when it seems it isn't?
Because you were married and it's not so easy to "just give up."
Whoops. I meant to say you are not "stupid" for thinking this, just human.

When you are ready, it won't matter if she changes or not. You won't want her back.

<small>[ May 19, 2003, 03:58 PM: Message edited by: Chris -CA123 ]</small>

Chris:

Wow! I had no idea it had been so long for you. I agree with you, cg may not be ready. I don't think I'm ready either, but I'm headed there. Doesn't mean I'll DV, though. It does mean that I won't be devastated if that's the decision I have 2 make someday. Bramblerose pointed out 2 me that I hadn't "earned" a DV, when I recently proclaimed that it looked like it was time. Well, she was right, so I'm changing my focus. Not that I want one, but that I'll be prepared for one and maybe save my M in the process, which is a lot better than just hanging in limbo.

And yes, cg, it can be just as "non-fun" if the WS never left. Having them "not all there" and continuing contact can sometimes be worse than having them gone.

Hang in there.
-2long.

I am pretty much taking an MB vacation, but this thread really called out to me, and I felt I needed to post.

I very well could've started a thread that is the reverse of your subject, "Do you ever file for Dv even if you are the FWS? Or do you wait for the BS to file?" I too have gotten stuck, know this isn't going to work, then suddenly find myself desperately wishing we could make it work, then going back to realizing it likely won't work, and contemplating filing for Dv.

I wish my H (BS) would just file, because I wish I didn't have to live with the fact that I filed for Dv on my conscience. I imagine him telling people for years, not only did she cheat on me, she had the nerve to file for divorce, when I was kind enough to just let us separate for a year rather than file for Dv myself based on infidelity, blah blah blah. BUT if I wait for him to file for Dv, it's looking like it will take MONTHS for him to finally do so. As he repeated to me over and over in a conversation just today, he just wants to avoid thinking and making decisions altogether.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> As far as filing. Why am I so stupid and I still think it could change when it seems it isn't? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You are not stupid. You still love your W, or who she used to be anyway. Your emotionallly-based rational causes you to think it can still change, and then your logic-based rational tells you otherwise. I'm right where you are, going back and forth from one to the other. The thing is, now I'm finding myself spending more time in the rational mode, so I feel closer to filing for Dv every day.

But, all that being said, neither of us will be able to file for Dv until we are ready and can live with that decision. Just try to focus on your logical thoughts, and not your emotionally based ones. I think that's a step in the right direction, and advice I need to even take myself.

Take care,

Jen

Confused,
I am sorry you are in pain. It does sound as if your wife has moved on. If you 2 have no kids a divorce is relatively simple and you can do it yourself w/out an atty. Most libraries have a divorce book w/ forms.

If you are not ready at least file for a legal separation to protect yourself. Good luck to you. tew

Confused,
I filed first. Not on purpose actually...kind of a weird story. My ex-WH served me with an MDA that was full of baloney- didn't have any financial benefit for me and had irreconcilable differences. So I took it to a lawyer and discovered he hadn't filed. The lawyer told me if I wanted to file for adultery I needed to file first. So I did. I named his partner in crime, and I put in 6 months of alimony, 1/2 the house equity and that he would pay the lawyer fees and my car off ($1400.) If he had sold the car his parents gave us as a gift, that he had sex with OW in, that I asked him repeatedly to sell and he didn't, then I would not have asked for the $1400 to pay off my car. Here is my point. My ex-WH stepped up to the plate of divorce- by his continuous deceit, lies, betrayal and ignorance and disrespect of my feelings and lack of protection of our marriage (he didn't quit the job he was at either with his OW). If he hadn't filed the MDA the way he did, i would not have filed first. If he had sold his car, I would not have put in there for him to pay off mine. IMO, his actions showed me that he divorced me before the papers even arrived. I didn't want the divorce, I asked him to wait, he wouldn't, but I am not going to lay down and die (figuratively speaking) because he is in a fog that I could wait forever for him to get out of. You filing for divorce does not mean you really filed for divorce- your wife left you a long time ago- you are just doing the paperwork that is a direct consequence of her actions.

BS 26
ex-WS 28
married 11/4/00 together since 7/97
D-day 8/20/02
multiple d-days- caught them together, or phone calls
major D-day #2 2/15/03- OW pregnant with his child
tried to reconcile, to make it work, Ex-WH does not want to do the work
divorce final 3/5/03

<small>[ May 19, 2003, 11:33 PM: Message edited by: adgirl48 ]</small>

I feel I never have failed at anything big in my life that I have set out to do. Yeah I have had little failures I am human but never any major failures. My marriage is going to be the biggest failure that I will carry with me the rest of my life. That is why it makes it so hard for me to go out and file. I don't want to feel like I was the one who quit or gave up. I rather not have that burden on my shoulders so I know I did all that I could to try and make the marriage work from my side.
At the same time I feel I need to do that for me is to think about filing. In the end and to this day I am treated so bad that I need to step up and do that for me. It is a difficult decision that I bounce back and forth with a lot. Maybe with time things will get easier and be a bit more obivous on what I should do. Because in the end most people asked who filed and not who wanted out of the marriage.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by confused_guy:
<strong>I feel I never have failed at anything big in my life that I have set out to do. Yeah I have had little failures I am human but never any major failures. My marriage is going to be the biggest failure that I will carry with me the rest of my life. That is why it makes it so hard for me to go out and file. I don't want to feel like I was the one who quit or gave up. I rather not have that burden on my shoulders so I know I did all that I could to try and make the marriage work from my side.
At the same time I feel I need to do that for me is to think about filing. In the end and to this day I am treated so bad that I need to step up and do that for me. It is a difficult decision that I bounce back and forth with a lot. Maybe with time things will get easier and be a bit more obivous on what I should do. Because in the end most people asked who filed and not who wanted out of the marriage.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am that way - I haven't failed at much so I certainly didn't want to fail at a marriage. I wanted to fight for it so much that sometimes I wondered if I was fighting for my husband or fighting for my pride. But it doesn't matter who filed. If people ask, tell them you filed the papers but you didn't choose the divorce. Your wife did a long time ago. You will find out who your real friends are but hey, that might be a good thing.

I feel exactly the same way as you do, confused_guy and adgirl. I haven't had any major failures until now. I used to take a significant amount of pride in the fact that I had a happy marriage. This will be a mark on my soul forever, but, better to have a mark on my soul than continue to live in denial about how my spouse is treating me. He is not treating me like someone who loves me, not at all. He is not willing to work on this M.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">In the end and to this day I am treated so bad that I need to step up and do that for me. It is a difficult decision that I bounce back and forth with a lot. Maybe with time things will get easier and be a bit more obivous on what I should do.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I agree, word for word. It seems that the signs that I need to give up on this M and move on just keep on getting clearer and clearer. It's like I'm perhaps finally willing to see them for what they are, instead of living in denial.

I hear you when you say you need to feel like you tried everything, so you can live with yourself. Unfortunately, even if you try everything, your spouse likely won't try everything (she sounds like she's moved on), so you have to decide what it is that you want to try to do, try all of those things, and if your W still doesn't respond positively, it's time to let her go, and perhaps to file so you can move on.

It's semi-rediculous that I'm giving this advice to you. I need to take this advice too! Thanks for making me realize these things!

This weekend I decided I was done waiting for my H to make his decision, so I went to him and asked him what he wanted. He still won't make a choice. By not telling me what he wants, he is by default choosing not to work on the marriage. That means I can probably live with myself if I file for Dv. I'll always have regrets, but I'll put an end to the chains he has wrapped around me and my heart.

Just curious, when you do interact with your wife, how do you feel after? Hurt and rejected? Or loved and cherished? We both know which two probably mean you've lost her, and which two mean she still cares enough to make you a priority in her life.

Last, you are under no obligation to answer people when they ask why you divorced or who filed for divorce. Simply tell them that you regret how things turned out and that you'd rather not talk about it. I also agree with adgirl's take on this though, if it's a close friend or family member, then say, " I filed the papers but I didn't choose the divorce, my wife did."

I really empathize with you very much!

Jen

<small>[ May 20, 2003, 04:42 PM: Message edited by: Jen Brown ]</small>

cg,
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I think what makes me hold back is I know this is going to be the hardest part of them all is throwing in the towel. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If I were in your position I would not look at it as throwing in the towel. I see you standing in the ring all by yourself amidst an empty arena. She has left and has all but filed for D due to lack of finances.

I think I would at the very least consult with an attorney at this point and discuss my options and strategies. As much as we hope for an amicable D, the reality is that they rarely are. Surely when she is financially ready to file, she will come at you with a fully loaded right hook and you will be on the mat still trying to decide what to do with that towel.

As others have posted, you will do what you need to do when the time is right. Be careful not to let hope cloud your judgement from reality. Life is too short to spend it being miserable and alone.

jmho, ba109

Well the combo of never really having any major, major failures and the fact that I cared and loved my wife so much it makes it hard to make that decision to file or not. I have asked myself is it out of self pride based on the failure part of why I haven't filed. I can say it may have something small to do with it but it isn't like I am trying to keep a trophy up on the shelf. I cared and loved my wife more than she will realize that.

Jen Brown....

"Just curious, when you do interact with your wife, how do you feel after? Hurt and rejected? Or loved and cherished?"

Well I can say now that any time I do talk or see her I walk away feeling hurt, pain, rejection, etc... So it is obvious what is in front of me but I am just too blind to see it. The person I see isn't the person I married.....

"The person I see isn't the person I married."

Again, I feel EXACTLY the same way.

We are both in love with who our spouses once were, not who they are now.

My H is no longer the man I married. After his antics yesterday, my resolve to go ahead with a Dv is even stronger. You will know when the time feels right.
Jen

We are both in love with who our spouses once were, not who they are now.

Sometimes I wonder though- were we in love with the real person or is the real person showing up now? Again, was the person we thought we knew just an illusion? Are we holding on to something that perhaps was never there?

adgirl48...
"Sometimes I wonder though- were we in love with the real person or is the real person showing up now? Again, was the person we thought we knew just an illusion? Are we holding on to something that perhaps was never there?"

This is a very good question that I think about often. I remember a different person than the person I see now with how she acts and what she is doing. However I did hear these words come out of her mouth several times. "The person I am now is the person I really am. I hid and kept a lot back from you. This is the real me" With her saying thatto me I replied with, what you faked the person you were towards me for almost the past ten years?
I really don't believe that is was an illusion I just think in the WS mind they create all of this to help them live with them self. How else would they be able to look in the mirror and think lets see I cheated on my husband, I walked away from the marriage, I ruined my relationship with several people, I caused so much pain so a good person, etc....
Illusion? Not..I just think it goes along with the cake eating theory of a WS. They create what they want to think in their mind to make life easier for them.....