MB Vets:

I need your input..I think the fog may be lifting. H has started to talk critically about OW now to me, something he never did before. H also told me he cried his eyes out on Friday nite while working. He had not cried since this whole thing has started. H has not seen OW in 11 days now but has talked to her on the phone. Obviously I want NC. He knows this.

Things between us have been pretty good since Saturday. H has seemed much more like the man I married and the awkwardness I was feeling when around him has started to go away. We talk on the phone while he is working just like we used to. We are about to make some big changes in our business also that H seems very excited about. He hasnt been excited about anything in such a long time. I am also going to start working more with the business outside the home..I am also excited. We also have our 2nd MC on Friday. I am Plan A'ing the best I can and have been able to function alot better the past week. I feel as though I am there for him without smothering him. So I guess I want your opinions..I know these are small steps..but I feel you have to take the small steps first. Talk to you soon.

Lisa,
It sounds like he is making progress, but true progress won't start until he completely severes contact with the OW. Often, they take 1 step forward and 2 steps backward when coming out of withdrawal. This vacillation can be very disappointing to the BS, but it is part of most recoveries. My point is to suggest that you not get your hopes up, but to also know that it sounds like it is proceeding in the right direction.

Don't badmouth her. That could cause him to "defend" her in his head. You don't want that. Let him vent to you, and say stuff like, "that must be difficult for you" and be understanding and sweet. That will make him feel closer to you - his confidant, his ear, his shoulder. Encourage him to talk and share, but don't encourage him to badmouth her - he might see that as venom from you towards her.

Just as WHs will often "rewrite" the marital history to the OW (justifies it in his mind AND encourages her), I tend to think the BW gets a "rewrite" of the affair history. There's some truth in there, and some embellishment. Keep this in mind, sift through what he is telling you to locate her weaknesses.

Don't use the stuff he's revealing yet - hold onto every bit of it, because such things can be very helpful in pouring sunshine onto any remaining fog later on. If you want, share the sorts of complaints he's making about OW and MBers can brainstorm what his complaints reveal about her weaknesses. Make her weaknesses your strengths! This will add to your attractiveness while decreasing hers.

Again, I wouldn't try to use this yet, unless you can be pretty confident about what exactly is being revealed. Consider it ammo that you keep in storage. You may need it, you may not - but it's good to have it on hand, just in case.

Just my thoughts...

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