<small>[ May 22, 2003, 03:26 PM: Message edited by: wiegee2 ]</small>

I don't know if I agree with 'a woman flaunting what she has' is the reason why she gets rated higher. I beleive that most men, when they rate women on a scale, it is on the basis of their physical beauty. Granted that beauty is subjective (in the eye of the beholder), but there is no denying that even if a man doesn't become spellbound with the sight of a beautiful woman, he is probably going to rate her a 9 or a 10 anyway. But again, from my personal experience, even though a beautiful woman might have more luck in getting her foot in the door of a man's heart, eventually it will be her inner beauty that will seal the deal in the end, if the man is not an idiot.

wiegee2,
as far as the sub-9 balogney.. I was inferring that there are many women who are hidden gems simply because they don't have the heart of an adulteress to flaunt what they have. It was actually a compliment to those types of women. I'm sorry you're offended by my judgment of the female physique. If you don't know, this is how men are wired... sorry. I'm being honest, not chauvenestic.

<small>[ May 22, 2003, 03:31 PM: Message edited by: petermg ]</small>

Petermg

I just have to step in at this point and set the record straight. When you say that this is the way that men are wired you can only speak for yourself. I for one am not, thank God, wired like that. But of course I am posibly at a disadvantage in this situation. Since Mrs. F and I are so happily married, and have never judged each other by our physical appearance I must be some sort of scientific oddity? Bulls##t!

Your comments are not only an insult to women but to the men who love and respect those women. Have you ever tried to seek psychiatric help?

Maybe if you were mature enough to look at a woman in a manner other than an inanimate throphy you might have half a chance of finding true and lasting love. But as long as you are so shallow as to use an inflatable doll as you model of perfection perhaps you should search for a compatable mate in those stores that cater to those needs. At least you could treat her with the lack of respect that you seem to feel women deserve. And you could always drain the air out of her to insure that she wouldn't leave you for a man who treated her better.

fudd.

Have you ever tried to seek psychiatric help?
OUCH!!!!!!!! OK I am a woman and I think that was a little much. Geez, maybe I am shallow too, but I think it IS important that people take care of themselves and look their best, because generally when they LOOK their best, they FEEL their best- confident, emotionally healthy, etc.
Now, i do think it is unrealistic to think that women (or men) should be supermodels, but I don't think that is what petermg was going for here.

hmmmm, maybe "lighten up" a little?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by petermg:
<strong>
If your spouse has a totally wonderful personality, is someone you LOVE to just hang out with, and you both just get along well and love doing the same things together, does the physical fulfillment just take care of itself? I mean, do you stop worrying or/and caring about certain defects in the physiqe of your spouse? I guess I'm more interested in the response of the MEN on this one, thanks.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well, here's the thing... let's say you were drawn to someone who didn't have said "defects" <ouch> there is no guarantee that the defectless lady would stay that way, as my poor darling of a husband has found out. <although he wouldn't put it that way> I was without defect <according to your lite list> before we married, and 1 yr into our marriage. Then I got pg and had a mess of issues the last 3 months that landed me bedridden. Gained some weight. No problem... after birth, I did start losing... Then, new issue surfaced that required some heavy meds... BOOM!! I gained 50 pounds in 4 months. It was shocking. I was gaining about 6 pound a week! Unbelievable at best. I stopped the meds, haven't gained a pound since. That was 7 months ago and guess what?! I haven't LOST a pound either, no matter what I do or don't do.

Instead of the size 6 blonde he married, he is stuck with a size 18 who HATES herself right now. I've never battled weight, nor has anyone in my family. My mother is a size 8.

Maybe the lady you're drawn to will resize in your favor, so to speak. It's possible. But, in my situation, my husband and I met online 7 years ago. He can now say to me in all honesty, "but, honey, I fell in love with you before I even knew what you looked like. And I still love YOU." He seriously does not have a problem with it, except for his worrying about how *I* feel about it <and health worries, of course>.

I'm sorry for the length, but felt compelled to offer this view for your consideration. It seems uncommon to find someone you really click with. If you have, go for it.

<small>[ May 22, 2003, 11:08 PM: Message edited by: maeplus ]</small>

I'll take a woman, like my DW, over a beauty queen any day of the week. For when it comes to REAL beauty, she is the most beautiful woman in the world to me.

I havent been here for a time but here goes. Petermg, if you ask the question then it matters to you. I am sure that almost every woman, and possibly a lot of men on this site told me I was shallow, horrible, show off, yadda yadda yadda, when I said that I wanted a pretty W. But it is my right, it is one of my needs. If you want and need external beauty, then you look for it. There are fantastic looking girls out there, and just because they are, does not mean that they are adulterous, easy, dim, etc. If you look, you will find.

Peter..

I am sooo very lost about what you are asking and WHO you are asking it about...

Your first post talks about a spouse...but then refers to physcial attributes that sound more consistant with things that always been that way...
ie...smaller chest...larger behind..attributes that sound like may have been present longer than the words " I do"....

So if you call foul on issues that were present pre-marriage...then the issues lies within you...unfair to find fault with something like that that you had no fault with before....

If you are dating someone...and are honest with yourself and see that you are not physically attracted to someone...well that is the whole point about dating...and a huge red flag...that perhaps she is not the one for you...that's what dating people should do.there is no shame in being honest with yourself that you aren't attracted to someone you date.....great responsibility lies with you to be honest about this not working out for you long term...so you are not stringing someone who believes you are marriage material a long...but ofcourse you don't tell them it's because they have a big rear... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

But what really has me confused...is you refer several times to a STBXW...which mean you are still married...so are you still married and dating others seriously...cause that's not necesarrily such a good thing....

please enlighten...
thanks
ARK

As we grow up we learn what is truly sexually fulfilling. And I mean growing up in our marriage. I do not think that if you are not committed to one person, that you will be sexually fulfilled by the look of a person. Remember it takes two to make and keep love alive. When we know and care about one another and we find in each other a place that is unique to no one other than each other, there is the fulfillment, sexually and undeniably real.

You are not a 10. No one is a 10. Everyone has flaws. Some people have surgery to make them appear perfect but that is all it is. An appearance. Our society is too caught up in making stuff look perfect. We need to get real and love the good in other people, as they truly are. Sexually it should only be with your own spouse. When we complain about our spouse, there is usually a complimentary thing wrong with us as well. Fix it by MBing.

More importantly is that we feel beautiful and have good self image. Looking good is important to lots of people. But ya should not get lossed in it. When you are happy with yourself, trust me it shows.

peter, i've seen attractive ladies in every size, shape and form. before i was married, i dated a very nice and beautiful girl who had lost 2 finger on her left hand due to a car wreck. i don't know if you can call height a defect, but when i was in college i dated a girl who was only 4'- 7".

of course you can be fall in love with, and be intimate with with someone who has a handicap or physical defect. if you really love someone, it doesn't matter if they have a defect. actually, most people do have some sort of physical defect.

Peter,

If Attractive Spouse is one of your ENs, then it would suggest that a wife who did not meet that need would result in fewer deposits in the love bank.

If the other Emotional Needs are being met well, then the lack of fulfillment of AS may be a non-issue - as many people here keep beating to death.

On the other hand, the circumstances surrounding the lack of AS may give the appearance of not caring or trying in some situations. And the "spouse doesn't care about me enough to try exercising a few times a week" can form in people's heads leading to more love bank issues.

Then on the third hand, there are those with the AS need but aren't willing to be understanding enough of the spouses with a physical issue and end up being mean or unloving. And do things like "force" surgery or withhold ENs.

In summary, it seems you have a legitimate concern in the EN model. It up to you and your W to find a healthy balance in working out that need. And avoid the extremes of keeping it a secret (dishonesty) and LB your W. Like sex, it can one of the more sensitive ENs to work out. And of course, you have to be aware enough about yourself to recognize when the EN becomes too selfish and unreasonable. Like an EN for sex 5 times a day would be unreasonable for most folks. Some folks have just been warped by outside influences to focus on some swimsuit supermodel tunnel vision.

I know in my case that if my W became morbidly obese, that I would have serious issues since there are so many unlikely things for that to happen. W would essentially need to try really, really hard to get to that level, and that would send me a message of "I am doing this on purpose and I don't care about you". But there is some extra stuff around her waist left over from pregnancies 10 years ago. It isn't noticable covered by clothing, but it doesn't look attractive as she's dressing either. But I've been accepting of it for various reasons like the cause of somewhat unavoidable. I do think that it could go away with enough work, but I can definitely understand that there are higher priorities for both of us. And other than some theoretical lack of a love bank deposit (it must be missing by the EN/LB definitions), I still love her as much as far as I can tell.

<small>[ May 23, 2003, 11:35 AM: Message edited by: est ]</small>