Thank you guys!

Since I'm going to the meetings, they help me to get at least that under control. But where I'm now?

Hummm well it might seem a bit crazy, but I feel very low tonight. I miss my H. I miss his company, and I miss the life I used to have with him.

Yes I know now, that this men is not the men I used to know (if I ever knew him). And this is sort of new to me. I didn't thought it at the time since I was sort of an "stable" person, but now I think everytime my emotions runned wild, well I drinked. Maybe not heavily but for sure it helped mommentarily to relieve the pain or tension or whatever.

Well right now I don't have that because I chosed. But still my emotions are runing wild and I don't know what to do with them, hence I fret and I don't see a coherent future. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

For sure I know that I don't want to go back to the M I had, and that my H has to change a lot if we ever might have a possibility to be together again. I also have to change I know.

So maybe that will never happen? This is nuts, even after 8 months of separation I still hope. When are this feelings going to leave me? Why I can't put myself on what we are now, and I keep hoping for what we used to be? Hummm maybe that is why is called hope huh?

I pray and pray for serenity, but that doesn't arrive. For sure it would be easier I think if one of us made a choice and decide. I asked some ladies today on plan B like me when they will know is time to D? When is God going to give us the magic enlightment if ever on that? How much are you willing to wait? I'm really trying to not to control the sitch, and well that also affects me, somehow feeling you have some control over your life gets you ins a better spot. Maybe control is a fake also, an illusion I don't know, and for sure I know the only thing I have control over is me. So is also right to think I can put and end to this. My choice huh? So that is my question if so? why I don't feel sure on D my H? Why I have not being able to accept life as it is now? Why I keep hoping?

Today I took off my wedding band.

hey mattie--no words of wisdom....just hugs. im sorry you are hurting, i still do too---and its 2 yrs for me. i am so proud of you with the not drinking...congratulations!!

hopefully i will catch you in chat soon!!

Reading my last post, I still feel the same. Nothing has changed and I'm even more confused right now.

Ok I been on plan B, not 100% succesfuly and someone pointed me last night that maybe that was messing up with my mind. Well that is true. I have not realized that. But here is the thing...

I don't want my M to end, but also my H has not done anything towards recovery. I'm looking wrongly at some signals he gives, wich in the end are not mixed at all. It's clear, he is not with me, he doesn't want to recover.

But somehow, I believe in the MB theory or practice or concepts. I think the M can recover and become better. So what's up with me?
Why I don't want to see as things are right now? or maybe I'm still looking at the bigger picture or hoping for the best? A recovered M? But what is the bigger picture is right before my eyes, wich is NO M recovery at all and I don't accept that?

Well not all Ms can be recovered I know, and to do that it takes two, so what's up with me? MB gave me hopes, but in the other hand I don't see the side of my couple giving me those <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> . Talk about being confused.

Did some of you thought that MB messed up with you regarding this? Keep hoping?

So I might need a big 2x4 to make me stick to my plan B really hard, no matter what, cause this contact via email is not helping me. I reached some kind of peace in the past and now that is shattered because of the mails.

And about confusion well... regarding M, I still want my M to be fixed, but is not possible right now, and about me, M aside, I don't know what I want <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> .

I can not even put in words the kind of despair I feel now. I keep praying for serenity, and it eludes me most of the time. I think I'm working towards my recovery and trying to do the things that will bring me peace. But is not arriving most of the time. And yes, deep change takes time I know and the changes have to stick. But I don't see myself in a better spot than before, so maybe try different things <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> ?

Argg I just don't know anymore <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Matilde - It's not MB that's messing with your mind, it's contact with your WH while he's in a very difficult place. If you want serenity, get back into a REAL Plan B! You are exactly right that the e-mails aren't working for you, so end them! Be VERY polite and VERY brief when you do so:

DH, I am not able to e-mail you right now. Please refer to my letter to understand why.

Love, Matilde

And then, BLOCK his address! No contact means NO CONTACT. None! Zip, zero, nada, none!

Trust me on this, sweetie. It really, really helps.

Mati, I am so sorry to hear you feel this way. But I agree COMPLETELY with JustJ. You have to STOP all contact with him immediately. There is no such thing as a Modified Plan B. You gotta stick to it my friend. It WILL help you lots. Hopefully to restore your marriage but if not, at least it will help YOU heal from all this pain. I'm learning as well. Take care of yourself my friend.

H98

Thank you Jus J and hopeful98

I think I deserved that.

Not easy! not easy! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> now I'm angry at myself...

I have to focus again!
I just feel my life is this big blur and can't find on what to focus... What a mess!

hey mattie---you dont notice a difference in yourself????????

are you nuts!!! your strength to do some of the things you are doing is amazing. you have become a stronger person emotioally and spiritualy!

i will pray for your serenity.

Tomorrow I will go on a trip hiking in some mountains here.

I'm terrified, never done that and for sure not alone. If you add that my mom called to ask me again to go with them to Miami, or ask H to go with me on this trip, well you can see she is also terrified, also my sis is worried about me. I pray to God that nothing happens to me there.

I'm going to meet with some people there that I don't know to start the trip. It will be a 6 day trip. My shoulder is better but not completely good from the injury I got on my bike.

I will need all the prayers I can get on this. Wish me luck!

Merry Christmas to you all!

Good luck mati

6 days hiking sons like a butt-load of fun. Watch out for snakes, pumas and el chupacabra

God Bless

Doug

have a wonderfull time. and you dont think you are amazing!!!!

i will pray for you as allways. stay strong my friend. and if i dont catch you later---have a wonderfull holiday.

Hi my friends!

I'm home!

The trip was AMAZING!!! very tyring, but it was worth it a LOT! This was the oldest rock formations on earth, and a lot of people there but not too many from my country... what a shame. In all I had a great time! and it was an experience I will never forget in my life <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

d_rose <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> heheh I didn't saw any snakes or pumas, but the chupacabra said Merry Christmas for you!, and he was a very friendly guy <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

nikko Thank you for your prayers! that meant a lot for me and they helped me trough my trip will show u picts when I see u online. Merry Christmas!

A bit update about me besides the trip

Just before I left, I think I lost a deared friend because I lied, I know... not good at all and I'm not proud of it, I just didn't wanted to face what she was "supposed" to tell me about a thing I did regarding H, not that I gave her the chance or not, but it hurt a lot <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> .

I thinked a lot on my trip, and was ready to go trough D in January, I wanted all this to end for good.

When I arrived, I talked to H, and it "seems" he is changing his way of thinking and the A is ending. He realized, that he has lost a lot more that he gained. Well he better run, cause I'm tired of this and I can't loose much more. I'm a bit... hummm aware of this, since I know if I give it a third shot, it will be my last one, and it will be the most difficult one of all, recovery is not easy, and there are no guarantiee, I'm not even that sure of give it a third shot yet, but, I'm going away again to an amazing beach with some friends (camping again), and will have more time to think about this.

I wish you all a very Happy New Year, and that the next year brings better things than this one <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Take care you all!

Hi Mati,

You are probably away again---good for you! Just wanted to say i'm still around.

I'm trying for the "third" and final time. Recovery IS NOT easy.

Contact me when you return.

Happy New Year.

Simmy

i have made a major decision in my life too......


WHEN I GROW UP I WANT TO BE MATILDA!!!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Hi Simmy!

Happy New Year!

Yes I was away, just arrived from my second trip <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> , it was incredible! I will contact you as soon as I see you.

Yes, I bet recovery is hard!
Keep at it! Trust God!

Take good care

Hi nikko!

Happy New Year!

I'm glad you want to be (me?) when you grow up....

hummmm let's see.... who I want to be when I grow up?.... I guess just me! I just need to grow up! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Hope to catch you soon!

Take care

Well it's been almost a year now since dday and nothing has changed much regarding H.

He now says that he realizes what he has lost. What I don't know is what that mean... home? things? me?

The thing is, he still have not made a choice, and I'm FRANKLY tired of waiting on him to make up his mind. As I said in an earlier post, on my trips I had thinked a lot, and I'm not sure I still love him anymore. For sure the admiration, trust and confidence are gone on my side, but above all faith. I read here that impatience is lack of faith and trust, and for sure I believe those words because I don't have them anymore.

I think I just need closure on this, I'm tired on waiting for something that is never going to happen, and in the meantime I'm not allowing myself to properly heal from this meanwhile I keep waiting.

As a side note, H kept giving me gifts, and I gave one to him. Those might have been for guilt, care or the only way he knew to reach me somehow as a friend explained. I still don't know what to make on this, but they are not good enough anymore. It's time to grow up, and I want someone by my side.

I have questioned myself many many times his values and mines, and since there are no changes on his side, I don't want to be with someone with his moral values or be married just to be able to live more confortable regarding economics (H is still mantaining home). I know I will lower my standard regarding that, and is going to be tough, but not impossible, and even there I still got choices.

He also told me that I had to play hard ball with him for him to return, not to make things easy (also many ppl have told me that), but I don't feel like it, is just not me, so playing a game just to control the reactions and in the meantime getting more tired is not an option for me anymore. I just want to be me, not for him to come back the way he needs, but the way I need, maybe before that would have worked, but again I'm tired of all this, plan A, Plan B, 180 or doing anything to save this anymore.

Today I was told that here there is an article on the law, that after x number of years if you don't have kids, you can get a D almost instantly.

Tomorrow I'm going to talk to a lawyer and ask about it and fees.

I will have to talk to H on what he might want, but I don't assume we will get into a fight over material things. Those were not really a problem for us, in that aspect, we were both givers. I already got home, and he can take whatever he wants. I trust God will provide for anything I might need in the future somehow.

<small>[ January 06, 2004, 08:17 PM: Message edited by: matilde ]</small>

Mati,

I just decided to check here to see if you had posted anything. Signed online to check airline reservations. I'm going away for awhile to think over my life and what I, too, want to do with M.

This year has taught me many things, the main one being....life is short, and i'm not living it the way i want. another year of my life has passed and NOTHING changed. Now, I go away to think...do i want ANOTHER year like this?

I will contact you when I return. Meanwhile, peace, be calm, and think of the most important person in your world.....MATI.

Love

Simmy

<small>[ January 12, 2004, 09:10 PM: Message edited by: Simmy ]</small>

I'm still confused, my update is below, but my main question today would be:

My H said he is going to end the A. He has sent a NC email in the past, for later resume, and had said the right things during my second plan A, to later found out that he has not ended it.

My main question today would be, and just for the mental excercise, IF he indeed he ends it. How can I tell he is telling the truth? I had to deal with a lying H, and I don't know what to believe anymore. I don't trust him and I don't trust me because I have been always too gulible (sp)?

Now my update.

I didn't do a good plan B (again). Although we stopped seeing each other for 2 months, we emailed once in a while, so I guess at the time that was enough for each of us to get our fixes.

On december, mounting my bike, I had a big crash, that got me to the hospital. That time I had to call my H because of insurance issues, and he acted very good there.

Then he gave me a gift, and I gave one to him.

Then I went to Roraima and returned and we saw each other again. He asked me to spend New Years with him, but I already had plans, and decided to stick with them, I'm glad I did, cause I had a great time, away for the craziness of it all.

He bough a bike, and we are riding once in a while, and last week I asked for his help on a job matter for me.

So as you can see, I have not been on plan B.

I got problems believing him. He has told me that he is going to end the A, that he doesn't see a future with OW, and that he has to fix his life. Well I don't know if I'm inside those plans or not, but since he is a compulsive liar, I don't know what to believe or not, and I truly can't notice when he lies or not... what a dilema huh? But the thing is... that ALSO he told me last night, that he doesn't know if he can come back because of him or IF I'm going to accept him back into my life, I can see why he thinks that, cause I'm changing (I think) and this madness has to stop somehow.
I don't know if this is another play from him to put the ball on my court to later avoid the issues or what...

I will continue...

<small>[ January 23, 2004, 12:34 PM: Message edited by: matilde ]</small>

Yes!

Finally! He did it, and in front of me, over the speaker phone, he did it!

I still can't beleive it!. Like I said, the last two weeks were showing me different, but I didn't believed on him. He saw the huge ammount of pain he was causing me, and told me I don't want to further cause you pain, you have to believe me. For that I just rather completely separate from you. That would be easy for me. It's not possible, you have been so good without me, and as soon as I stepped here, I just hurt you.

That was because of the past. I did gave my best at the time, to later found out again he was still into it.

On my second plan A he lied a lot for later resume the A. I have told a lady friend here, that this time it felt different, but I might be wrong again. What was causing me pain, was the limbo sitch, and the lack of steps towards really recovering in the past. To be really honest, he has not got them now. A small flaw this time, but we also resolved that.

My behavior, was also not helping him or me. Now I must change for what I believe on. I have waited all this time for give it a change to recover my M, and I'm going to give my best now. I have learned a lot, and I will continue to grow. I know the hard is yet to come, but I'm willing to do it. Only God will tell and one day at a time.

Thank you! Please keep me in your prayers! We are going to need the more than ever!

mati,

Wonderful news!!!

You'll stay in the prayers.

God bless