I was on the phone last night with my mother and she said she wanted to tell me something but didn't want to make me mad. I said "mom, just say it." She asked if I had built my wife up in the same way she had with the OM and their relationship. Kind of suggested that maybe I was in a fog. Of course I said no and reiterated what a wonderful, honest and loyal person she was and it was those qualities that kept her feeling that way towards the OM and not I.

Well she dropped that and we talked a little more and then hung up. I started thinking about it a bit later. I know that my mother wasn't talking bad about my wife but was just trying to get me to think about things realistically.

Is it possible for BS's to be in a fog of sorts?

Does the pain of betrayal, fear and the blame put on us for our short comings make us see the WS differently, more than what they are? I know that my lovely wife is a wonderful person, but is she being wonderful now? Am I in love with her as she is now or the idea of how she could be?

Is this my fog?

<small>[ May 23, 2003, 12:30 PM: Message edited by: d_rose ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> loyal person she </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Fog Alert!++Major Fog Alert!

No offense but according to your signature she had an affair.....how is that loyal to you?

I do think we try to rationalize especially to parents staying with a wayward spouse....as if still child needing their approval.

I was deeply worried about my mother's potential reaction. My dad left mother for his secretary when I was just one years old so she has a natural chip on her shoulder.

Is it possible for BS's to be in a fog of sorts?
Absolutely!
This is one reason MB teaches you to NOT act on impulse/feelings. Stop, take a breath, look at what is happening and what lead up to the point it is now.

This is how you work through "the fog" {deep foghorn blows in the distance} <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> .

A ws doesn't want to do this because it doesn't "feel good" and they end up crashing on the rocks.

<small>[ May 23, 2003, 01:33 PM: Message edited by: Chris -CA123 ]</small>

Hello d_rose

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Is this my fog? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Of course we are in a fog. A fog I call love.

You and I are maybe not in love on the persons or S are now, we are in love in what they used to be, and we know they can became again. That is our hope I think.

So maybe that is OUR fog? BS's fog... We can not see what they become.

Again in time either of those fogs will lift, either for them to realize the reality or us???
LOL only time will tell.

Take care

I was just thinking, all the books, etc, says that statistically affair marriages do not last. Yet, there are more that I know that lasted than the ones who broke up. My ex H is still with OW, it has been over 18 months. We'll see what happens, i guess.

stunned,
No offense but according to your signature she had an affair.....how is that loyal to you?

true it is not. I guess this what I was getting at.

chris,
This is one reason MB teaches you to NOT act on impulse/feelings. Stop, take a breath, look at what is happening and what lead up to the point it is now.

I still want the marriage. I think I have done a really good job at not acting on feelings. One of the first things my counselor told me was that you cannot live your life by feelings. They are fickle and change daily if not more often.

thoughts control emotions, emotions control feelings and you CONTROL your THOUGHTS. So it would stand to reason that we can control our feelings. Our MC tried to get this accross to my lovely wife but I dont think it did. There was too much OM there.

My lack of knowledge about myself, what I wanted, what I wasn't able to face about myself and me not showing her love the way I should have was, in my opinion, the major contributor to our problems. the last 10 months(wow!!) have been really good for my spiritual growth. I have learned so much about myself. I am not a totally different person than I was then. I just let me out.......and it has been wonderful. I am still working on me, God is really working on me.

I know my wife has issues that she is dealing with separate from our marriage stuff. When we do talk she comes accross as if nothing is wrong between us. Talking matter of factly about her day abd what is going on. Don't get me wrong, I would like us to have conversations like this but I would also like to talk about our marriage too.

I really don't know how to even talk to her. I don't want to be just friends. I find it really difficult that she thinks that we'll interact better separated or divorced. Our problems are still there and they wont go away by just leaving them and going some place else.

I am a little jealous of her right now. On d-day
she wanted the marriage to be over and that hasn't changed since then. So she gets to leave and doesn't have to work on the marriage. Doesn't have to put up with the stress of trying to figure our stuff out. All that stuff is still here for me and sometimes I wish it wasn't. I am lonely, I am sad and I miss her.