I had an EA/PA while separated from my H. We have been separated for more than two years already. The A is over. OP is now in different state. OP is a part of the family which makes things complicated and difficult for me to come clean. (I am trying to work on that.)

H is asking for reconciliation. But I am reluctant to go back. I am scared.

Late last year, when H sensed that I am having a PA, he went to my office and hit me physically when nobody was around. He apologized the following day.

This afternoon, after giving me an ultimatum to go back to him till the end of the month over a phone discussion, he came to the office and hit me again physically. Harder than the first time. In the middle of answering and attending to business calls and finishing reports for my boss who is just around the building. I can't do anything but cried in silence.

He is demanding custody of our adopted daughter. Knowing that it will hurt me to lose her.

Prior to our separation, there were instances that he hit me physically,too. We have been married for twelve years if we haven't separated two years ago.

I know I have made wrong choices. Even though we are separated, we are still married. I should have not entered into an A. Much more with a family member. I made a mistake. I admit it. I am guilty. I regret it. And I will never do it again.

I have never been intimate with any other man except my H, till OP came. The experience alone is very hard for me to deal with. Much more the pain and hurt I've caused to my family.

However,I understand how H feels right now. He is mad because of the A and he can't convince me to reconcile with him. But is there any BS in this forum that resorted to physically hurting WW? How did you feel after having done that? Did you reconcile with your WW?

Some of you may think that I deserved this... yes... maybe you're right. But, I still hope... some of you BS will reply. I have no one to talk to about this... only here in MB.

~Thanks~

<small>[ May 24, 2003, 09:09 AM: Message edited by: someoneout_there ]</small>

You need to call the police immediately and contact a woman's shelter. Do not go back with him and please contact a lawyer at once. It will only get worse. There must be consequences to his actions. Call the police and file a report now.

((((((((( SOT ))))))))))

First of all, there is NOTHING you did that would give just cause for your H to HIT YOU!!! That is just plain WRONG!!!

Do NOT go back to your H. He obviously has anger issues that must be dealt with. Do NOT let him use guilt tactics to return to the M.

Yes, you're right, you made a wrong choice in having an A. It was not a good way to "deal" with the problems in your M, b/c as you know, all it did was create even more troubles.

However... you need to find a way to take the onus off of yourself right now. At present, your H is NOT the issue... but your H's ABUSE is!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Look in your local phone book or yellow pages... and call a local distress line, preferably for women. Talk to them. Get advice on what to do. FILE A REPORT WITH THE POLICE to have a paper record of him physically ASSAULTING you!!! PROTECT YOURSELF AND YOUR DAUGHTER!!! PLEASE!!!

I too was in an abusive relationship. Although my H never hit me, he did hit our oldest son, and was becoming more and more physically violent (I have photos of the holes he put in the walls of our house to prove that).

Please... protect yourself and your daughter from this (so called) man. And keep us posted on your plan... or ask more questions if you need help in creating one. I'll keep on checking in on this thread.

Karen

FILE A POLICE REPORT

He is abusive and not in control of his anger.

NO ONE HERE thinks you "deserve" to be hit. That's ridiculous!

I do NOT recomment you attempt to reconcile with him. I recommend you divorce him!!!!

Pep

Dear SOT:

pick up the phone today and call the National Hotline for domestic violence. 1-800-799-SAFE. There are wonderful women on the phone 24 hours a day who will listen to you. You don't have to give your name. They will give you information about domestic violence, local support places, shelters, psychologists.

What your H is doing is wrong. You describe what many researchers have found: there is a cycle of violence and it gets worse every time it happens. If you don't seek help he will kill you.

You have to remove yourself from this extremely dangerous situation.

It doesn't matter what you did in terms of A. Don't excuse his behavior.

Please call the hotline today.
If you want to talk in private you can also email me at iceprincessmail@yahoo.com.

But please call the hotline now!!!

Take this very seriously. You are in great danger! 30% of all female homicide victims are killed by their partners.

Hugs

Be careful to file a police report on your own.

Make contact with the local support system first. They can hide you in a shelter. They can assist you in filing the police report.

If you file a police report on your own your H will be taken into custody, arraigned before a judge for assaulting you. They will issue a restraining order and let him go.

This will make him very angry. Plan your steps wisely and DON'T DO IT ALONE!!!

Your life is at stake! Call the hotline now.

No, I did not offer any form of physical violence to my WW. The thought never crossed my mind - although offering to the OM definitely did.
Above all else, my W is the mother of my children.
The mere fact that your H hit you before the A is your warning flag.
As others say - call for help and call immediately.

SOT,

I can only repeat what the others have said. An affair does not justify violance.

It will not get better, it will get worse. I know, I had a fiance that was abusive. Be careful. He got more angry when I ended our engagement. He tried strangle me in front of his mother. (He was too drunk to do much about it. I was stonger then him when he is drunk)

Thank you for your immediate reply.

Thank you for the hugs. I needed that.

We are living in a very small and judgmental community. I do not want any scandal as much as possible. But, I believe, this time I have to file a police report. I cannot possibly do it tonight but tomorrow. My daughter is already asleep.

You're all such a big help! Thanks...

SOT

All I can say is ditto the above.
I like uphill considered the introducing OM's face to my fist. but never the WW.
Don't delay file the report tomorrow.
He can change and get over this but let him prove it to his next wife, 1 strike and he is out.

Keep in touch.

<small>[ May 23, 2003, 09:58 PM: Message edited by: hurting12 ]</small>

Thanks for all your concern. H is a black belter. There was no marks... only a cut in my lips that is why it was bleeding.

Pepper... yes, I am thinking of filing a divorce.

Liza... thanks, your email address is noted.

To others... thank you for being there.

A Black Belt! And using it to promote Violence. One of the firs things the instructor taught my kids was, this is an art, and is used for self defense, not for being a bully.

That alone shows he is a threat to you. Be sure to mention that he has a black belt whe you go to the police, and please call a womens shelter.

File a police report then file for divorce.

He will get really angry when you file for divorce, so you'll need the police report on file to help your case with any restraining order you may require.

Can you move away, go live with your parents or something?

Pep

Pepper,

I can't go back in my home country right now. He will follow us there. And he could easily make more trouble.

I am planning on moving to a different state. But not that easy for me as a work permit holder.

Definitely one of us has to leave. Soon...

Dear SOT:

DO NOT JUST GO TO THE POLICE TOMORROW.

FOLLOW THESE STEPS:

Step 1: call the hotline, they'll give you the contact number of your local domestic violence shelter and office.

Step 2: call your local domestic violence office, set up a plan with them to assure you and your daughter are safe (eg hiding in shelter)

Step 3: Then and ONLY THEN file the police report, which will set the criminal proceedings against your H in motion.

Make sure you are in a safe place and that hecannot reach you when he learns that you have filed a police report.

Listen to me and take this very seriously.
Hugs

Listen to Liza, she's got it right!

Please do as Liza suggested. You need to make sure you and your daughter are safe.

Thanks, Liza. I will follow your advise.

God bless all of you...

O.K., SOT,
now I can log off and go to sleep - knowing that you will do the right thing.

Be safe, don't give him a chance to hurt you again.

Keep us posted...
Hugs

Dear Liza,

Good night... me, too... I have to take a rest now. It was such a long day.

~Thank you~