I called my wife's work early one morning two weeks ago--they told me she wasn't there. Two days later my wife hid pages from the phone bill--clumsily I think--and I asked her whether she had been at work that night. She admitted she had been out dancing with some friends. Through her work, three nights a week, she had formed a friendship with a group of foreign exchange students, had helped them get a credit card, tried to get them connected with an agency in Boston; and now she was "very emotional" about one student in particular. My first intuition--even before Dr. Harley's book--was not to yell or blame. I realized I had a serious problem; I was shaking. I had waited a few days before confronting her, largely to gather my thoughts. I 've seen movies where people yell and break things; somehow when it actually happens to you, it doesn't seem to be what I want to do. A few days later, I went out and bought the book "Surviving an Affair." It describes my emotions perfectly. Although I don't know how I'm going to go on, it's comforting to have descriptions of how many affairs progress, and eventually end. I see much similarity to the 'soul mate' kind of affair described in the book. <BR>I have expressed my hurt, but not over and over; and am uncertain how much I should really express to my wife. Maybe that's a love buster in itself. At first I didn't know whether even telling her to end it would have an effect. I've calmly told her a few times that she should end it, and she says "she can't right now." I've been trying to meet some of my wife's needs for affection, especially not to withdraw, and to continue on. I'm continuing helping with the kids (a strong area) and domestic support (a weaker area). But I'm still to in the thick of it to identify all the emotional needs that I've not been meeting for my wife. Every time my wife and I have a talk it feels good for a while. But there are areas of tension where we cannot go because we both know she is still seeing him. It may be that we are settling into a "have your cake and eat it too situation," I don't know. For example, my wife has been willing to be physically close to me--snuggling in bed and letting me rub her back and kiss her neck; she thanks me for things I do with the kids and around the house. She has hugged me, told me she loves me, and even told me she doesn’t know why she is doing this to me. “But I’m not the one who can help you,” she says. Already I can see that her situation is not without conflict. I think there are issues about the other man having to continue his training back in Armenia at some point. I can see that she is unclear about what will happen; but has said that she doesn't feel we are at the point of divorce, and talks vaguely about 'some day' getting back together. She appears to be talking in riddles some of the time as if she's confused. For my part, I still love her and, well ...I'm speechless. <BR>I am encouraging her to be honest with me and I can see progress with it. After the discovery, she faked going to work one other night and I found out about it quite easily by looking at her pay stubs. I feel a bit like a snoop, but the more information I have the better I feel I can deal with it. Last night she actually told me where she was going, and about when she would be back. This was very painful but in a way better than the dishonesty. My question is whether honesty beneficial even with the outside relationship still going on, or only during the recovery process? Most of the scenarios in your book have complete unwillingness for honesty and complete hiding of the affair. Encouraging this honesty has not been easy and I don’t know if it is the right thing to do. In being honsest, I don't know if I am "letting her" carry on, and I don't want to be a wimp, but I can't see any other way. Plan A seems to prescribe continuing to take care of the wayward spouse’s emotional needs, but how do you approach the topic of the behavior itself? Can all this being a good, rational man make a dent at all?<BR>It had been going on for two weeks when I discovered it, and I'm sure her friendship was gradually developing before that.<BR>
